Cuddle Cots

If you've read this blog very long, you know it is absolutely no secret that I have a tender heart for moms who have lost babies. Infant loss touched our family when I was ten and my nephew was stillborn. It came close to home again back in 2001, when my "niece," Carol, died on her 6-month birthday. And before we were married, Ryan lost a niece to stillbirth, too.

I've had many friends who have said goodbye to little ones through miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death, and it never gets any easier to hear and absorb that news. Because of how often it has touched those I love, I always want to share news about anything that might be helpful to someone who walks the road no one ever wants to take.

Back in 2013, I wrote about the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, which connects photographers with families who have just lost a child so that they can have photos together with their baby before they say their final goodbyes.

In 2014, I wrote about a local organization, Hudson's Bands of Hope, which provides bracelets to moms who have walked out of hospitals without a baby in their arms. The ministry began after its founder, Misty, found herself unable to part with her hospital bracelet, because it was the only tangible sign that proved she had been to the hospital to have a baby.

Last month, when I spoke at the retreat in Ohio, I met a brave new friend named Kaila, who is still grieving the loss of her son, Beau.

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A year ago in August, Kaila was 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. She had gone to the doctor and gotten to see little Beau on an ultrasound, and everything was perfect. He even stuck his tongue out at her that day!

Because her husband was in Basic Training, Kaila was staying at her dad's house, and when she went to bed that night, she noticed she had some minor cramping, but she tried to rest. Around one in the morning, she knew something was wrong. It wasn't just minor cramping: these were real contractions. Kaila had given birth to a son before, but her labor had been induced and when she didn't progress, he was taken by c-section, so she hadn't experienced natural labor before. She wasn't sure what to expect, but she didn't think whatever was happening right then was normal.

Kaila's dad called 911, and she was rushed to the hospital.. Nurses were trying to check the baby's heart rate, but struggled to find it. Another nurse tried, and she couldn't find it either. Kaila was rushed into surgery, and when she awakened, she learned that her son, Beau Allen Ray Flory had been stillborn and that her uterus had ruptured at her c-section scar. Kaila almost died that night, too.

Though Kaila has struggled with all the stages of anger and grief that any mother would, she's also determined to make sure Beau's name lives on and other families in this same situation have an advantage she didn't have: a CuddleCot.

I hadn't heard of these before, so I asked Kaila to tell me about them. They're small cooling devices that can be hidden in a Moses basket {wicker bassinet} that keeps the deceased infant cool, so the family can spend more time with them without having to sit in the sterile environment of the morgue.

Because the hospital where Beau was born did not have a CuddleCot, Kaila and her husband {who was able to come home from Basic Training the next day} had to wait for Beau to be transferred back and forth from the morgue to spend time with him.

Less than a month later, Kaila's community came together to raise enough money for a CuddleCot to be in the hospital for anyone else in that situation to be able to spend time in the comfort of the room with their baby. {Here is an article about the presentation of that CuddleCot.}

I wanted to tell you about the CuddleCot for a few reasons.

First, if you've not gone through this before, you don't really grasp how little time you get with your baby before you can't ever see or hold him or her on this earth ever again. If there is anything that can prolong and preserve that time, I'm adamant that people know about it, because you can't get a second chance on that time later. This I know.

Secondly, Kaila is in the process of raising money for a fourth CuddleCot, and I wanted to share her Facebook page so you can see how to pitch in if you're led to do so. {She didn't ask me to share it or blog about it at all; I just wanted to help raise awareness and she gave me permission to do so.} If this is something you feel passionate about or it's something that has touched your family like it has ours, this is a way you can help another family down the road.

And thirdly, if your community doesn't have a CuddleCot either, I wanted to let you know that they exist, in case you want to begin an initiative where you live to make this available for anyone who might need it.

It's hard, of course, to think about things like this that are there in the worst of moments. But like I said earlier, when that moment comes, there's no time to wait, so these hard thoughts and conversations have to take place ahead of time.

Kaila, I appreciate the time you took during the retreat to tell me about Beau's life, and I love the way you are honoring him by coming alongside other families in their grief.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

Praying for and crying with the families who have lost their babies is one way to comfort others with the comfort we received when it was our turn, but I believe reaching out tangibly and providing things like photos and bracelets and CuddleCots are other ways to comfort others with the comfort we received. And I believe Kaila is doing that as she honors Beau's life and memory!

Faith-iversaries.

One of the families I used to babysit for back in high school and college had a practice of celebrating their kids' spiritual birthdays. They treated them like actual birthdays with cakes and everything. I thought it was a great idea, probably mostly because I had no idea when my own spiritual birthday was. I know how old I was and where I was, but not until I get to Heaven and check out God's book will I know the actual date.

As you can imagine, being the lover of all the versaries that I am, this is disconcerting to me, but it's okay, because I remember a handful of other dates on the calendar that were spiritually pivotal for me.

Last Saturday was one of them. July 23.

I've talked about it here before on the blog, but it's been many years, so I wanted to talk about it again today. Especially since this year's July 23 marked twenty years since that pivotal day.

I was brand new in the grown up work-world, ridiculously shy and completely insecure in any skills that deviated from diaper changing and boo-boo kissing. It was my first job, and I was assigned the task of filing and opening mail, sorting through paperwork and occasionally answering the phone. I hated that part, because it required speaking. {As in speaking to another adult human. Terror of all terrors. My how times have changed.}

Craig was the assistant manager in the loan office/education-in-a-hurry where I worked. He was charming, something I could tell on my own, apart from the many young ladies who dropped by his desk to say hi. He found me intriguing, for some reason, and he spent his days trying to pull me out of my stare-at-the-floor shell. If he wanted my attention, he'd throw a jawbreaker across the room and wait for me to jump when it hit the corner of my desk. Then he'd ask whatever question, and we would talk for a bit.

I found out he had a son he was crazy proud of, and he was flabbergasted that I'd never before used a fax machine. Two random facts I remember from our conversations, only one of which means anything. Mostly I remember that he took time to notice me when I wanted to disappear into the wall and be invisible.

Just two weeks after I started working there, Craig took a week of vacation. I wasn't sure how I was going to survive a whole week of work without him, since he was really my only friend in the walls of the office.

I had no idea he would never come back. At the start of the vacation, he was in a motorcycle accident and despite my desperate pleas to the Lord to spare his life, he died.

On July 23rd.

That was the moment my faith became my own. That was the day I stopped flying along on the fringe of my parents' beliefs and decided for myself that I would follow the Lord even though I didn't understand His ways in that moment. That was the day I stopped fighting and started trusting in Him for myself.

Twenty years ago, now.

These twenty years have not been void of more days like that: days of question and doubt and wrestling. But those twenty years have been filled with deep trust even in seasons of deep hurt.

I still miss Craig, and I always will. But how grateful I am that he was part of my journey. I'm grateful I met him and that through his life and death, God did a settling and sustaining work in my soul.

A faith-iversary I treasure deeply.

 And appropriately...

Astonishing Joy

If you heard the podcast yesterday, you already heard Ryan's attempts to say the phrase "astonishingly joyful" - and you know how that went. If you did not hear it, it's worth waiting for just that very part. I'm still cracking up.

Today I want you to meet the woman of astonishing joy behind that particular segment. {And one who I am quite confident would have thoroughly enjoyed hearing the aforementioned attempts.}

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Her name is Crystal Blake, and not so many days ago, she received the ultimate astonishing joy of meeting Jesus face to Face.

I met Crystal in 1996 when we shared a writing class {and a set of books}. She was about to graduate from college. I was brand new to college. And somehow, in a trail of pre-social-media correspondence, we never lost touch.

That writing class we took together was the most intimidating writing class I ever took. I was mixed in with a handful of newbies like me and a handful of college veterans who were confident in themselves and ready to take on the world. Crystal was a consistent smiling face in class, quiet in her writing offerings, but sure of her words.

I specifically remember the day our professor held a poetry reading after we did a section on poetry. You should know that I am terrible at poetry. I can't even do Roses are Red poems. To have to craft such writing and then read it out loud in a public setting probably set off the first of the gallbladder attacks that plagued me for the next couple of decades. I slunk to the front of the room, read my words, all crimson-faced, and scurried back to my seat as soon as I could. Crystal walked to the front, stood in front of her classmates and her husband and read a poem she had written about him. She beamed. He beamed. And I wondered what it would be like to be loved so fiercely that you could read a poem right out loud in front of your husband without mortification.

I think that's when I knew I wanted to be Crystal's friend and could hardly believe it when I actually managed to keep her as a friend through email.

She was a true friend. And by that, I mean she wasn't afraid to challenge me with hard-to-read words if she knew my soul needed that challenge. I still have an email she wrote me probably close to fifteen years ago, when she honestly answered my questions about some problem areas in my life. She had the courage to say words to me that my other friends glossed right over, citing reasons of not wanting to stir the pot.

I think that's when I knew Crystal was the right kind of friend: she would challenge me even if it wasn't comfortable for either of us.

Crystal and Matt left for the mission field and along the way, I started leading a Bible study at my church. I mentioned it in an email and she mentioned back that she sorely missed such opportunities where she lived. Nothing existed like that in her area unless she were to lead it, and she missed being able to learn and be encouraged in faith by other Christian women.

I saw no reason why she couldn't be part of our study. I mean she was only overseas, and we were only stateside. What could stand in the way? So every week, after I taught the Bible study, I would write out notes, add the prayer requests, and email them to her. She would send along her thoughts on that week's lesson, prayer requests of her own, and I would deliver them to the group. Week after week, month after month, she "came to Bible study" via email. One Christmas, we even gathered around a good old fashioned VHS video camera to record a special greeting to her and mailed a big box of presents to her.

And then, six and a half years ago, when she was thirty-five, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had never known a woman in her thirties who found out she had cancer. {I knew it happened. I just hadn't known any myself.}

She fought. And that glorious word...remission.

It was in that season that I saw Crystal for the last time. She was back on US soil and had sent a message to let me know she'd be at the church near my house, along with Matt, sharing about their work. {It's the church we now attend, but this was before there even was a "we" in my life, and before I attended there.} I went to the church, listened to them talk, and after the service ended, I got a nice long hug and stood around chatting...and chatting...and chatting.

I don't know which of us suggested it, but somehow we decided we were going to go out for dessert and more talking. I drove us to Steak n Shake and we ate and talked for a long while.

I think that's when I knew everyone should have an impromptu dessert/coffee friend like Crystal. Someone you can not see for a long time and pick up like you talked yesterday.

Matt thanked me, when I dropped her off at the house where they were staying, for taking time to do girl-talk with her. He said she thrived on that and it blessed him to see her get to enjoy it.

And from then on, our messages were ferried back and forth on Facebook, sharing and praying and encouraging. We exchanged Christmas cards every year, and on May 16th this year, she sent me a message to let me know she'd received our change of address card, but she had a change of address I missed, and she wanted me to have the new information.

She congratulated me on the new home and I sent a quick reply about the multiple answers to prayer we had enjoyed in the transition of our homes. Her final words to me were "Those ARE multiple answers to prayer!"

And in less than one month, she would have her ultimate answer to prayer. Yet on that day, when she probably felt far worse than I could ever know, she smiled and celebrated with me that we got a new house.

That was Crystal. Always filled with quiet, astonishing joy. That's how someone described her after her death. I think her life deserves to be chronicled in a book - and somewhere in the title, those words should appear: "astonishing joy."

Was I her closest friend? I was not. So many people were honored to be close personal friends, and with my words today, I in no way want to imply that I was the best and the closest. But I am honored that I had the privilege of being her friend, of experiencing her astonishing joy firsthand, and learning more about the deep love between Jesus and one of his daughters by watching it lived out in real time in the life, smile, and quiet confidence of Crystal Blake.

If you didn't know her, I wish you could have. A treasure of a woman. A beautiful believer whose faith has been made sight.

And in her own words...watch this.

The Saturday Six

One.

I had the extreme privilege of photographing four births over the course of several years. All four babies were from the same family. The first couple were photographed on a disposable camera and were highly questionable in quality. The last two at least made it into the digital age, but I know I still missed many great photos and hadn't learned much about how to take artistic pictures. Still, I loved doing this and even though I'm not a professional, I would love the chance to do it again sometime. I loved this post about what to focus on during birth photography, and even if you're not into taking the pictures, it might help you decide what to look for if you're hunting for a photographer for a birth of your own!

Two.

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This is a fun article about how a book gets transformed into a Hallmark movie. Ryan and I had the chance to attend a red carpet premier of just such a movie a couple of years ago, and it was so much fun! And yes, I am absolutely watching this movie, based on Denise Hunter's novel The Convenient Groom when it comes out June 18th!! 

Three.

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I love it when Kelly Stamps does her link up home tours, and a new round just started this week! I always find great inspiration in looking at how other people decorate their homes! This week's tour was for living rooms, but she has other room tours coming up in the weeks ahead. If you like to peek into decorating styles, check out the link list here!  

Four.

I read this heartbreaking story this week about Big Daddy Weave's little brother. {If you're not a contemporary Christian music fan, Big Daddy Weave is an artist in that circle. I met him when I worked at the station - and he stands far out in my mind as one of the nicest and most genuine artists I ever met. And I met a lot of them.} Anyway, his younger brother Jason, is part of his band, and he is fighting scary and serious health battles, and that's worth praying about for sure, but what stopped me in my tracks in this article was the vulnerable struggle in Big Daddy's heart about genuinely singing the words of the songs while fighting the questions of the soul. And following that, the reminder that God is always at work in us, even when it seems like He's not.  

Five.

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Is it bad that this is on my "if I strike it independently rich" wish list?  


Six.

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My book of choice this week was Alexandra Kuykendall's newest release, Loving My Actual Life. I had heard of her before, but this was my first time to read her work, and I found her style to be very conversational. I point this out, because when having my own manuscript read by a test group, some mentioned that my style was very conversational and perhaps I should spruce that up a bit. Others found it very calming and relaxing. Because I enjoy that style of writing {obviously - since it is my style}, I enjoyed that about this book. But in case that kind of familiar, relaxed style bothers you, I wanted to let you know that's what you'd find in these pages.

Alexandra is a wife and mom of four, and spent almost ten years of her life working for MOPS International. Translation? She leads the same kind of busy life many of us do. And as a result, she faced the same kind of struggle we do, though I would venture to say too many of us don't want to fess up to the truth of it. We all spend way too much time loving the dream of the life we either wish we had or hope to have someday, and in the meantime, the life right in front of us seems drab and something to merely survive rather than embrace.

For nine months, Alexandra went on a quest to love her actual life...the life right in front of her. Each month, she focused on a different area of life: quiet, mornings, dates, health, adventure, home organization, creativity, meals, and passions, and she kept a journal of what she observed and learned during the nine month experiment. The book is born out of those journal entries.

It is not just a printed copy of her journal. It is polished and tells a good story. And it is quite honest about what worked and what didn't in each of the months. I appreciated her vulnerability and the lessons she passed along from the ups and downs of learning to love her actual life.

While the book wasn't crafted to be filled with sentence after sentence of quotable quotes, I did underline a lot of things, including some of these gems:

"It's not about having time; it's about making time with the right attitude." - page 67

"I realized when I'm trying to impress someone, I'm not loving them well." - page 103

"She could live in grief and love simultaneously. And that was better than grief alone." - page 146

"When we think of doing 'great things for God,' we think big. We think bestsellers and viral posts and sellout crowds. But that is the exact opposite of the gospel, of God, who chose to come as a newborn, who sat at the tables of ordinary people, sharing one dinner at a time." - page 198

I came away from the book reminded that even though I am not a mom, and I don't have the big career that she does, I am equally in danger of not loving my actual life. Equally in danger of ignoring all that is in front of me, in all its beauty, in favor of wanting more, bigger, different. If that's you, and you need a wake-up call from an understanding friend, check out this book!

Thanks, Baker, for sending a copy of this book my way in exchange for an honest review!

The Shafferland/Phoebe Shuffle

This has been an unusual week here in Shafferland, because we were still dog-sitting all week. So please prepare for canine overload!

* Last Sunday was a beautiful day of rest for us, but it was also a beautiful day, and that afternoon, we got to take Miss Phoebe for a walk through the neighborhood. She was so good - didn't chase the ducks or bark at other dogs or anything! I made a healthy French toast deliciousness for dinner that night that I won't lie - was really good! :)

* Monday, I hung out at home with Phoebe while Ryan went to work, and I learned she loves to be held like a baby! A 26 pound baby! LOL! She is such a cuddler. We took walks and played games and rested in between adventures. And Ryan is so good with her; he actually got carpet burns on his knees playing with her that night!

* Tuesday evening, we went to the viewing for Ryan's co-worker that passed away unexpectedly a few days ago. {The "Fun Meter" button he's wearing is something all his co-workers got in honor of the man who died. He wore one to work every day.} We were there probably two hours, and that's about the max time we could be gone from Miss Phoebe, so we came home and made it up to her by taking her on a long walk, where we got to see a spectacular sunset!

* By Wednesday, I had to get some writing done, so I dragged Phoebe's bed into the office and she took a long nap while I wrote. We discovered the rose bush outside the house had exploded into bloom, which gave me nice scenery while Pheebs fertilized the yard! And by that afternoon, she even entertained herself for a few minutes while I fixed dinner! Self-soothing! :)

* Thursday, Phoebe and I went to the hospital to watch Ryan play cornhole, and then back to writing we went! That evening, I decided the time had come to conquer my fear of working with yeast and I made strawberry sweet rolls from scratch. Ryan was very excited!

* Ryan's work had a cookout on Friday {for Memorial Day} so we went to visit him during the cookout, and Phoebe ate up all the extra attention. Since it was the weekend, we went on a quick date that night, which included coffee and shopping! YAY! And we tried to watch some of our DVR'd shows that night, but alas, I am pretty sure the new coffee we bought {not on date night - but the kind we brew at home} hates me and I was SO SICK. It was awful. Ryan said he'd never seen me like that!

* Yesterday I felt better than I did on Friday night, but I was just wiped OUT from being sick, so I mostly rested on the couch all day. Did some scrapbooking. Let Phoebe and Ryan take care of me. We did venture forth that afternoon to pick up a shelf for our guest room that we found while shopping Friday night. It is PERFECT!!! And then we enjoyed our last few hours with the Pheebster before her people came to get her. I was kind of hoping they'd want to leave her. They didn't.  Sigh.

The Saturday Six

One.

Today's a pretty big day in Shafferland, because it's my birthday!!!!! I am so excited Ryan has the day off work and we can spend it together. I am also SO grateful for this past year of my life and all the joy it has provided. When I look back on my last birthday, I see a completely different person, and I'm grateful for the growth that has come to my heart and soul in this year. Excited to celebrate today! {Picture is from my last birthday.}


Two.

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My dear, dear friend Jamie Bennett has written a new blog post and it is a good read. Her blog is for those walking the single road, and I always appreciate her perspective and her trusting heart. She was such an encouragement to me in my own single years, and she continues to encourage me now, even though we no longer share that particular journey. Single or not, her words will speak to you!!

Three.

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Did you guys see this? Part of the cast of A League of Their Own reunited to throw out the first pitch of a game. A classic movie! "There's no crying in baseball!!" {PS - did you know the stadium from the movie is in Indiana? I went there several years ago...Ryan and I will have to visit it again when we do that county tour!}

Four.

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Ryan and I love to talk - about anything and everything. From rehashing the day to telling stories that just might let us learn something brand new about each other, we love a good conversation. I know for some couples, finding something to talk about is hard, so check out this list of conversation starters. Even though Ryan and I are good at talking, I think we might have to try some of these! 

Five.

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One of my Facebook friends shared this link this week, and I definitely wanted to hang onto it for future county tours. But why keep the love under wraps until we visit the counties? Check out some of these fun things to do in the state of Indiana! I've done some of them, but there are GREAT ideas on here!  

Six.

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The book I read this week was one I was willing to start recommending when I was only halfway through. I sat on the couch in a full-blown ugly cry, mascara and snot running everywhere, fully engrossed in the beauty and sorrow of the story before me.

September Vaudrey's memoir, Colors of Goodbye, tells the unimaginable {to me} pain she and her family experienced when her nineteen year old daughter, Katie, died following an automobile accident. Katie was vibrant in life, passionate about the Lord, and talented beyond measure as an artist. Her life, so full of promise, ended on this earth without warning, and September, her husband Scott, and their other four children were left to wrestle through a grief they could not understand and had not prepared to face.

The first part of the book is told in first person and tells the story of Katie's final hours and the days leading up to her memorial service. September's writing style is raw and beautiful, and it was this portion of the book that led me to the ugly cry {which I rarely do when reading}. Her words drew me into the very rooms and the loss itself. I never met Katie, but I grieved her as through September's words, I stood there and witnessed the deep sorrow.

In alternate places, the first portion of the book tells stories of Katie's life, further introducing me to this contagious spirit that left me convicted to live more fully and love more deeply.

The second portion of the book covers the weeks, months, and years following Katie's death, when the Vaudrey family - in all their varying styles of grief - learned to fumble and forage their way through their new, uninvited normal. September wrestles through hard topics, like understanding how God can be good and merciful when prayers are answered with a no. She vulnerably shares her own failings in grief and the things that worked for her, too. It's a grief guide that left me nodding and underlining along the way.

I appreciate September's style, because she doesn't write in a way that forces you to adjust to any lyrical or poetic voice. She is simply a friend, a sister, a mom, sharing her story. Introducing you to her daughter whose life was imperfect, yet joyously contagious. Offering her wisdom from the trenches. Not covering up the ugly and not denying the beautiful.

If you've ever lost a child, I think you should read this book. If you've ever lost anyone dear to you and you find yourself wrecked and lost in grief, I think you should read this book. If you want to meet an incredible young woman who lived to the fullest and left a legacy that indeed leaves ripples, I think you should read this book.

And bring lots of Kleenex.

Thank you, Tyndale, for publishing a needed and well-crafted memoir and for providing a copy for me to read!

 

The Saturday Six

One.

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I have never lost a child, but I've walked with those who have and have ached and cried for their deep ache. I have, however, experienced intense, gut-wrenching loss, and this post is so beautifully written with deep truths embedded. So even if your loss hasn't been a child, read this and know you're not alone.

Two.

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A POWERFUL read for anyone who struggles with living in shame because of the words and actions of another. Seriously powerful read.

Three.

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While spending time with Tom and Olivia last weekend, I was struck by the tremendous amount of effort they put into parenting, specifically where consistency is concerned. I thought of it when I read this article, because while their two year old is a delightful little girl, she did occasionally cop a two year old attitude, and they did not let her get away with it. {In one event, they even followed up THE NEXT DAY to reinforce an apology she needed to make and had not yet issued.} She may be two, but there was no mistake in my mind that she knew what disrespect was and exactly when she was doing it. And they didn't let her get away with it. Our hats are off to them and all parents who work hard to raise kind, loving, respectful children.

Four.

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Several weeks ago in our Sunday School class, we prayed for a family I've never met: the couple had four daughters and were days away from giving birth to the fifth when a frightening and unexpected medical condition claimed the life of the second-to-youngest daughter. They actually had to postpone her funeral because the mom went into labor with the newest baby. I read through a blog they created, and this post stuck out to me, because I appreciated the father's thoughts on why his daughter did not become an angel when she died. {And I got a giggle or two out of his stories of how she was also not an angel when she lived.}

Five.

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I fear all my posts for this Six have leaned on the heavier side, and I'm not sure why. But I can't keep from posting this one, too. You may remember {more so if you're from Indiana} hearing about the murder of Amanda Blackburn, wife of Pastor Davey Blackburn, late last year. She was killed during an early morning home-invasion in Indianapolis, leaving behind her husband and their young son and entering Heaven alongside their unborn child. It was a scary, heartbreaking story, and Davey has not hidden his grief process along the way. This blog post is so convicting. I hope I would say the unabashed yes too, but I admit, it's scary to think about. 

Six.

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It is not often that I could summarize a book with this simple phrase: buy this book...NOW. But this week, the book I read may shoot straight into the carefully reserved category of classic best-evers.

Letters to my Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife by Barbara Rainey is possibly the best guide on being a godly wife that I've read in a very long time. Maybe ever. Lysa TerKeurst's endorsement on the front cover, "Hands down, a treasure of a book" is absolutely true. {And I always cringe a bit at those kinds of endorsements, but this time I heartily agreed.}

Barbara Rainey, alongside her husband Dennis, founded and still run the incredible ministry FamilyLife, which invests in training men and women to pursue marriage and parenting as callings from the Lord. Barbara has also recently started a new line of home decor called Ever Thine Home, and I'm crazy about it. {The Adorenaments that I told you about right before Christmas are still some of my favorite things.} And in addition, she and her husband have over forty years of marriage to their credit, six grown children, and twenty-one grandchildren.

So Barbara knows marriage. She's lived it, she's trained her kids for it, and it is indeed her livelihood in ministry. And I think there's a real danger for someone with that kind of experience and opportunity to approach teaching with a know-it-all mentality.

She does not.

This book was born out of a request from Barbara's daughter-in-law, who asked her if she would be willing to share some of what she'd learned about being a wife. So began a series of letters, not just to that daughter-in-law, but to all Barbara's daughters and daughters-in-law and many more young women who hungrily sought her advice. And now, we all get to benefit from the sharing.

Barbara presents the topics of marriage as analogies, with sections of the book comparing marriage to things such as fine cuisine, beautiful dancing, masterful photography, and more. Analogies {again} can be a dangerous thing because they can run the risk of appearing cheesy and predictable.

Not these.

This book is well-crafted, full of underlineable {feel free to use that word} nuggets, and this finely tuned blend of wisdom, conviction, and compassion. You won't find lectures or condemnation. You'll find understanding, vulnerability, and much empathy. Barbara doesn't ignore uncomfortable topics, but handles each with grace and truth. She explains truths of Scripture, uncovering God's intention for marriage and acknowledges how our sin-filled world has tainted those truths. She doesn't hide the reality that Satan longs to see us all fail at marriage, but God can restore the most broken and complicated relationship if He's given the freedom by both sides to do so.

Ladies, read this book. Read. This. Book. Are you single? Read it in preparation. Are you married? Read it and learn how to grow. {You know that Ryan and I value our marriage to the fullest, and we have a great marriage, but even I felt pangs of conviction on areas where I've slacked and areas where I could just flat out love better if I tried.} Do you know a woman who is getting married? Give this as a gift. {It's even a lovely book TO give, because it is hard-bound with a ribbon bookmark and lovely art inside.} Do you know a woman who is struggling in her marriage? Give her this as a gift.

I devoured this book and will read it again and again. I've underlined it and will refer to it so often in my own writing and sharing on marriage. This book is indeed a treasure. One to be consumed and shared.

So go and do just that. {Right now.}

* Thanks, Bethany House, for sending a copy of this book my way in exchange for an honest review. * 

The Saturday Six

One.

Last Sunday, one of the Howard County Sheriff's deputies was killed in the line of duty while serving an arrest warrant. While every life lost in such a way is tragic, this one hit very close to home, as Ryan's brother serves the same department. What a reminder of the personal safety risked every day by people who are just like us: people with lives and families and dreams and un-checked bucket lists. Deputy Koontz left behind a wife and infant son, and I just cannot imagine their grief. Our prayers continue to be with the Koontz family and with the HCSD family as well.

Two.

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If you read this blog regularly, you will recognize Tamar's name, because she comments almost every day {I LOVE THAT, TAMAR! THANK YOU!!!} She takes some of the most beautiful photos I've seen, and sometimes after I look at one of her pictures, I think "Now I see that every day but I never thought of getting it from that angle." She's got a gift, and she took that gift to a flower show a few days ago. I LOVE flower shows but haven't been to one in years. Anyway. Check out her pictures - both for the photography and the the subject matter. Great work, Tamar!

Three.

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As I've gotten a little braver on the Beachbody eating plan, I've started eating out a little bit more. I have to be careful because I know that even things that SEEM like healthy options in a restaurant might be loaded with good-tasting badness. {I read an article a while back that said some kale salad available through McDonald's was actually worse for you than a Big Mac. I think it had to do with dressings and other toppings they put on top of the kale.} ANYWAY. Found this post with some already-figured-up options for eating as healthy as you can while you're out. Even if you're not 21 Day Fixing it, these are helpful guidelines.

Four.

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I am sure that several of you still follow her blog, so you know this, but this week marked one year since Kara Tippetts passed away, and her husband posted this about the long year since her death. I always marvel at his posts; he expresses himself so well and so vulnerably. Loss is always hard, and there is never a prescribed way to do it, but he seems to be doing it in the most healthy way possible. I appreciate his thoughts.  

Five.

 Ryan actually contributed this one to the Six this week. I dare you to watch it and not smile. Seriously dare you.  

Six.

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Know what I missed this week? Sitting and reading an entire book in one fell swoop. As you might imagine, with all the house fun, it just wasn't possible. But I did finish the third book I've been reading for my personal devotions this year, and I wanted to tell you about it!

The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson is not a new book at all. He published it back in 2011, and I had started to read it shortly after it came out, but I never finished it. I think that was because God knew I needed it right now and not because it was in any way a lackluster book. {This happens to me sometimes. I'll start a book, put it aside, and come back to it in the perfect God-timing. I've learned not to be irritated by it when I "can't" finish a book, because I know it means God has another plan.}

If you're not familiar with this book, Mark introduces reasders to Honi, a first-century Jewish sage who boldly drew a circle in the dirt, stepped inside and prayed fervently for rain in the midst of a drought that threatened to kill an entire generation of people. Honi's bold prayers brought rain, and the concept of praying circles around everything from problems to dreams was born.

This book is filled with examples of HOW you can pray. Not that they are the only ways to pray, but they might be ways you've not considered. From recording your prayers to be able to look through them later, to praying literal circles around things you desire, Mark offers very practical suggestions, and I practiced some of them in these past few weeks of praying for our house to sell. There is indeed something powerful about putting actual feet to your prayers.

He also shares heavily from his own experiences of drawing prayer circles, sharing specifically and vulnerably about how those times strengthened his faith. I think many of his stories resonated extra with me right now, because they were based on real estate prayers, just like mine have been! {If you're not familiar with Mark, he's the pastor of National Community Church in Washington D.C. and the church has worked to purchase several prime locations in the heart of the city so they can use them for ministry centers. As you might imagine, acquiring those properties was not an easy task, and much prayer was required.}

Mark is careful to say we should steer clear of "name it and claim it" type prayers or of treating God like a genie in a bottle, required to fulfill our wishes, but he also says that praying specifically and boldly often brings about miraculous answers we couldn't even have imagined.

I came away from this book both challenged and encouraged. I'm excited to grown my own prayer life more and more. {I'm still reading the 40 day companion guide.}

Worth the Wait?

I love it when my friends ask me questions that make me think. Seriously love it. And this week, this was the question sent my way:

If and when I finally get married, will I be able to say "he was absolutely worth the wait?" I know what people mean when they say that, but I don't know if it's completely true, or at least if it will be for me. Yes, I can absolutely say that my spiritual life is miles beyond what it would have been if I hadn't had to walk this journey. So in that sense, of course it's worth it. But will I ever be able to say that I don't wish things would have been different and I don't wish I had met him ten years earlier so I could have loved him ten years longer? I don't know if I will ever get to the point where I feel it was worth all the missed experiences we didn't get together. I would love your thoughts on it...

No one has ever asked me this before, and I loved thinking it over. I'm not sure my answer is universal, but it is the truth of my heart, so I thought I'd share it with you today.

I fully expected I would get married right after college, and I was 21 when I graduated from college. I think back to the girl I was at 21, and I was kind of a mess. I had no idea {still!} who I really was, and for as strong as my foundations were, my personal foundations needed some serious stabilizing. I believe 100% if I got married {to anyone!} at that age, I could have ended up having a very happy marriage, but I also believe there would have been a lot of hurdles and obstacles between the wedding and truly happy, simply because of who I was at that tender age. And honestly, I fear I might not have enjoyed marriage in general as much as I did from the start of my married-at-34 story.

Ryan has told me a bit about who he was at 21, and while he was still very much a good, loving, godly man, he has been transparent to me about his rough edges. I fear had we met and married at that time, we would have endured a lot of head-butting that we have not had to contend with by getting married as older, more mature versions of ourselves.

So that's the first part of my answer. It was - for us - worth waiting because the more grown-up versions of who we are are so much better than the 21 year old versions of who we were.

BUT.

For me, the girl who ached to get married, singleness was so hard. And I would be lying if I said there hasn't been a bit of a grief process in letting go of dreams for milestones and moments that we are unlikely to ever know because we got married "so late" in life.

For example, I have always wanted to hit the 50 year mark in marriage. And we still could. But we'll be in our mid-80's, so the chances of us being able to enjoy that milestone to the fullest that I once dreamed I would are slim. Who knows!? We could be that spunky old couple that charges ahead right on into our 80's. But we could be the cranky old TV-watching couple, too! Either way - our 50th is not as much of a "sure thing" as I thought it would be dreaming as a teenager. And for me, that is a very real grief I've had to come to terms with.

While this isn't something we long for, those who marry later and desire to give birth to biological kids have to mourn the loss {or potential loss} of that dream. Sure, they could still have kids and be older moms. Sure, they could adopt. But the typical motherhood dream they always had must be grieved when they get "so far" past the age they always thought they would be when they got married.

I talked about all this with Ryan, and I told him in some ways I feel like it could be approached in a similar way to any other lost dream: a child who died or a spouse who died or left home. There are things that will just never be. Dreams left unrealized.

And that is what I love about God's love stories. They are redemption. Ryan and I have losses suffered prior to meeting each other, and those things make us who we are. We have had to grieve the losses that never can be, both with the lives we thought we would have and even the losses that never can be within our own story {see aforementioned golden anniversary adventures}.

But overriding the loss is God's great redemption. A love story that IS worth the wait but in no way takes away from the pain of the pre-wait. Those years mattered. Those years hurt and wounded. Those years grew me and shaped me, for sure. I am richer for them. But they still hurt. And that hurt needs to be recognized. It doesn't need to be pushed away or discounted just because the end result is as wonderful as it is.

I think we have this need to sweep under the rug anything the preceded the beautiful end to any part of a story. And I don't think that's the right thing to do. I think our whole stories deserve to be given their place. Some have a place of grief and some have a place of joy, but they all have a place. I think we need to recognize where we came from, what we went through, what we lost, what can never be - and allow ourselves to experience all the emotions that go along with them. And certainly we need to give the joy of a beautiful ending its rightful place too, and Ryan and I do just that.

Yes, Ryan was "worth the wait" as the cliche answer goes, but that wait was long and hard, and many times no fun at all. And it's okay to say and grieve that, too.

The Saturday Six

One.

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A week or so ago, I wrote a blog post about the importance of remembering the writing I do now has eternal significance, even if I'm not being paid for it. {And the subsequent writer struggle of finding places to be paid for writing.} A few of you fellow writers reached out on that one, so I'm reaching back today with this great article by Susie Larson. I really respect her, not just as a writer, but as a Christian, and I'm reminded through her words of the importance of allowing God to take charge of my career!

Two.

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You know I have a huge tender place in my soul for those who have to say goodbye to their babies. This week marked fifteen years since my friends said goodbye to their baby Carol, and I still can't get past knowing this year she would have learned to drive and wondering what she would have been like as a teenager. This article speaks to the blank places left in in the lives of families who remain without their babies. Well written.

Three.

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Just a little PSA in case you forgot: the Super Bowl is this SUNDAY!!! Regardless of who you're cheering on in the Denverapolis Broncolts game {definitely no bias here, right?} it's important to remember the most IMPORTANT part of the game: the food! I've been mulling over what kinds of snacks to have that are delicious and yet won't make me gain back every pound I've lost. Katie Farrell compiled some of her best game day recipes in a list here, and yes, I'll be making some of them!  

Four.

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I forgot to tell you that when I went back to the dentist a couple of weeks ago, I heard words I'd never heard before: "Keep doing whatever you're doing." WHAT!? No lecture on flossing? No reminder to brush more thoroughly? First time since oral surgery that the parting words have been THAT good! I also realized when I got home that this particular visit marked six months since I'd been using Thieves AromaBright toothpaste from Young Living. {We haven't talked about the oils world in a while, have we?} I actually have been using it and Thieves Dental Floss  and Thieves Fresh Essence Mouthwash. {Although in fairness, I don't use the mouthwash every day.} I like the toothpaste because it is not minty {I HATE MINT} - and it's also not sudsy, which is another thing that annoys me about toothpaste. I like the floss because it doesn't shred {my teeth are SO close together that usually floss just shreds, which is why I hate flossing!} and it doesn't leave any kind of waxy residue in my mouth. The mouthwash is STRONG - I will not lie. That's one reason I don't use it every day. It almost tastes medicinal, but somehow between the three of them, the job got done!
Five.

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What? Two books to talk about today? A rare, but true fact. I decided that this year, instead of buying a new daily devotional book, I would work through books I already owned. And because I am a bit OCD this way, I just started at the beginning of the first shelf and that's how I began with The Faith Dare by Debbie Alsdorf. {It released back in 2010 through Revell.}


I got this book back when I worked at WBCL, and I'd read quickly through it as I prepared to help Lynne interview Debbie about the book. But I wanted to go through it again, at a slower pace, learning and absorbing. The Faith Dare is divided into three sections, with ten days devoted to your relationship with God, ten days to surrendering yourself, and ten days to your relationships with others, for a total of a month's worth of readings. {And that's why I'm reporting the book to you now! I finished reading through it this week!}

Each day's reading includes some stories from Debbie's life, several Scripture passages, some practical "dares" for living out the principles of the day in your life, a place to journal your thoughts, and a prayer.

I came away from a month of studying faith feeling challenged and convicted about areas of my life where my faith lacked. The first two-thirds of the study were particularly challenging to me and made me ask hard questions of myself regarding just how serious I was about living a life of faith. The last third of the study was more focused on relationships with others, and while it was helpful to me in conjunction with what we were studying in our small group, it was a shift away from the state of my faith in God.

Devotional books tend to frustrate me, because I find them fluffy. I appreciated how many Scripture passages Debbie included in each day's reading, because it drove me to study the Word of God and not just the words of an author. But I also appreciated her own insights and stories. I kept my pen handy so I could underline as I went, and she had some good thoughts to preserve, like these:

"Wild faith is surrendered, passionate and courageous. It humbly seeks and fearlessly follows." 

"You cannot spray the Holy Spirit on like perfume in the morning. You must be connected to Jesus to bear the fruit of the Holy Spirit in your life."

"If we believed we are complete in Christ, we could stop our search for something more and could begin living life." 

For this study, I didn't focus so much on the daily dares and the journaling section, but I appreciated that she included them, as I think many would find them helpful.


If you're looking to examine your faith, I think this book would be a helpful and practical guide in leading you to think about areas you might not otherwise consider! It was a great study for me in beginning 2016!

Six.

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And now to the hard review. Earlier this year, I asked to review an Amish fiction book. By mistake, I received Jonathan David Golden's book Be You. Do Good. I was told I could read it or pass it on, since it had been sent in error. I decided maybe the mistake wasn't so much of a mistake, and I should read the book.


The subtitle is "Having the guts to pursue what makes you come alive," and since I'm still in my first year of career change and new paths, I thought perhaps this would offer me something really pivotal to help me in my journey.

I was so sad when I finally closed the book, because it wasn't my favorite. I pondered just skipping the review entirely because I didn't want to say something negative, but I decided to go ahead with it, believing that part of being a book reviewer is knowing every book might not zing me and being okay with admitting when one does not.

Jonathan is the founder of a successful business called Land of a Thousand Hills Coffee Company. {COFFEE!!! I mean how could this go wrong for me??} The book shares many of the stories of his life, but particularly over the last decade as he founded this company and went through seasons of success and failure, personally and professionally.

I did a lot of underlining in the first chapter and felt excited that I would learn so much from this book, but the chapters that followed were predominantly story, with a tag line of application at the end of each one. It seemed the main meat of the book was all in the first chapter. I craved less story and more explanation of how he imagined others could apply what he experienced in their own lives. I think I felt so disconnected from it because I know that my own calling is not to run a multi-million-dollar corporation, nor is it to work across national boundaries, so I wanted to know how to apply the principles in ordinary-world. {I'm not opposed to doing the heavy lifting as a reader and figuring out how to make something fit my own details. In this situation, I just didn't feel like I'd been given enough actual teaching to do so.}

It was much more of a business book than a Christian living book, in my opinion, though it is marketed as Christian living. The copy on the back of the book indicates that anyone looking to make a career out of their life calling can learn from the book, but I did not find it to be a good fit for me.

Make no mistake: his stories are interesting, and there is much to learn about the country of Rwanda and the coffee business through reading the pages, but I just ached for a little bit more guidance and a little bit less story.

If you're a business-minded person and you aspire to head a corporation someday, this actually might be a great book for you. It just wasn't for me, and I was sorry for that.

* I received this book from Baker in exchange for an honest review. *