Amid the Chaos

Today we celebrate 51 months of marriage, and today I want to pause to honor Ryan with my words!

As you know, this has been a very weird year so far. Not a bad year. Just a weird year. (I'm looking at you, hospital visits!!)

This year we've been reminded in fresh ways that our best planning can be completely thrown out the window with unexpected emergencies.

This year we've learned to work well as a team, even when our normal best strengths are put aside for the needs at hand. (ahem: patient and nurse)

This year we've learned to pray boldly and hold our expectations and dreams loosely.

This year we've learned (again) how to power through utter exhaustion, as in the commuting days of yore.

(And the year has only just begun. EEK!)

But Ryan, you are the perfect fit of a teammate for me. I hope you know that. Thank you for being such a champion for Mom after the great surgery of 2017. Thank you for calling to encourage her, for making sure she got home safely, and for helping us arrange all the details that you instinctively knew about when we had no idea. Thank you for understanding the time I've needed to devote to helping and for not being mad when I've been tired or behind at our house.

Thanks for being the biggest champion of my work. Thank you for being excited when I get an invitation to speak or write and for always making sure I have enough time set aside in my schedule to do the prep work I need to do.

Thanks for studying the Bible with me, for our long theological discussions, and for praying with me every single day. Thanks for praying for me when you know I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Thanks for your huge heart for everyone. I learn so much from you and your generous spirit. Just the other day, when I asked about helping someone, your response (without hesitation) was "There's always room to help people in need." And you live that out. Always.

This has been a weird year, yes. But in the chaos, in the craziness, you continue to love well. You continue to set a great example for me and all those around you. I am so proud of you and thankful for you. I hope you know how much I've loved these last 51 months and how excited I am to see what God has ahead for us! HAPPY MONTHIVERSARY!!!!!

Embracing Imperfection

First of all, it's Spill the Beans Day!! :)

We realized, with much horror, that we never properly welcomed fall on the podcast, so we're talking all things fall-important {my disdain for raking leaves, Ryan's childhood on the farm, etc.} and then we chat about my planning day last week - aka the day Ryan's co-workers began to mock me for what I fear will be the entire coming year.

Click here to listen.

And now...to today.

Is anyone else addicted to TimeHop/On This Day apps for social media? On This Day is one of my most favorite things to look at while we eat breakfast every morning. It makes my memory-maker's heart so happy to see what I was up to on this very day over the past few years.

So yesterday, I was scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, and I found my thoughts from three years ago: October 24th, 2013 at 9:08 p.m. I had written:

Thought in my mind at 11:00 this morning: "I need to leave work and be a stay at home wife today, because I know how to do THAT." Thought in my mind at 8:00 this evening after Ryan took over fixing the ENVELOPE PASTA SIDE DISH following my three failed attempts: "I just need to go to bed and let this day win." Here's to a better Friday.

I elected not to unearth the journal and find out what was causing me such consternation at work that day {I have a few thoughts, but if I'm right, I'd rather not relive them.} But I smiled and wanted to tell three-years-ago Bekah that if she could just hang on about another year and a half, she would get to leave work and be a stay at home wife, not just for one day, but for all the days. That dream she was too scared to dream was just about to come true. {You know...in a year and a half.}
 

I've told you, recently even, how much I enjoy this season of life, working from home, investing in our house and in our marriage in ways I could not as a working-outside-the-home wife. I'm not here to rehash that, because probably some of you hate hearing it when it's your secret dream too, but your time hasn't yet come.

I'm here to say that being a stay-at-home wife occasionally still carries the failures that October 24th, 2013 carried. There are days when I still wouldn't be able to make a pasta side dish without an adult helper. {We also no longer eat those...not so much on the clean-eating-approved list.}

There are days when Ryan comes home from work and I look around and wonder if I have anything to show for my hours of work within the walls of our house. Anything tangible that will prove to him {though he never asks for proof} that  my staying home every day is worth it to our family.

There are days when I mess up the laundry and pull something from the dryer that was clearly to be line dried only. There are days when I forget the one chore he asked me to do. There are days when he comes home for lunch and the mountain of dishes threatening to dissolve in a landslide when he left for work are still precariously perched on the counter. There are days when lunch is cold, because I overzealously got it ready too early. There are days when lunch refuses to cook faster, regardless of my coaxing, and he nearly gets full on Cheez-it appetizers while he waits.

There are days when I'm still in bedhead and jammies when he comes home for lunch, eyes wide and frenzied because I'm in the middle of the biggest writing roll and I haven't paused to do ANYTHING but pound words into a keyboard for the last however many hours. There are days the alarm goes off and I groan and say, "I forgot to get more strawberries for breakfast." {How can that be thought #1 at that hour and not on my brain ONCE the day before??}

Being a stay-at-home wife doesn't mean I'm great at it all the time. Sometimes I'm a failure and he has to help me clean up the mess I've made. Sometimes I still need to go back to bed and let the day win.

I say this not as a self-bashing session, but because I think there are too many picturesque blog and Instagram posts {my own included} that show tidy rooms and scrapbook-worthy moments, and out there somewhere is a reader who feels like a failure because she's living my October 24th, 2013, and she just wants to know that out there somewhere is an honest blogger who admits that sometimes the laundry is a fail and sometimes the strawberries are still at the store.

Ryan is gracious. He drives to the store in the wee hours to buy strawberries and doesn't complain about Cheez-it appetizers when lunch is behind. He even calls me cute when my lunchtime attire strongly resembles the jammies I had on when he left home. He doesn't question my productivity level when I can't produce anything to show for my day.

I appreciate that about him. And I appreciate the gift of staying home. But even in being a "professional" stay-at-home wife, I assure you I still have my days. Bring me an adult helper and another coffee, please. And let's start over again tomorrow.

Surprise Date!

If you heard the podcast yesterday, you've already heard a little bit about my surprise date this past weekend, but I know some of you have asked to see pictures, so here you go!!: )

First, let me say to any guys who are out there reading: TAKE YOUR GIRLS ON SURPRISE DATES!!! It really is one of the sweetest things Ryan does, and he has always been very good at it. {He planned our entire first date all by himself, and I had no idea what we were doing until each stage of the day came along.}

All I knew, when I got up last Saturday, was that we were going on a date somewhere in or near Indianapolis, we needed the weather to be nice, and I should wear comfortable shoes, because we would be doing a lot of walking.

Ryan fixed our breakfast and made our coffee and off we went!!

On the way, he finally revealed the date. We would be doing a scavenger hunt of downtown Indianapolis!

We made our way to Monument Circle...ahhh the memories of our first anniversary trip! We came down this very road that afternoon, and I have a picture much like this one from that day!

Ryan found this idea on Groupon, purchasing one from Big City Hunt. I'd never heard of this site before, but basically it is a site where you can do a hunt in a number of big cities {see what they did with the name, there?}, and Indianapolis is one of them. The entire hunt is done through your phone. You don't go to any physical shop in the cities to check in. It's all mobile.

So we headed to the check-in point, which was a church on the Circle:

The hunt works this way: you receive a question/clue on your phone, along with multiple choice answers. When you have the answer, you enter it and move on to the next clue. With each clue, you move around the city, learn fun bits of trivia, and improve your teamwork!

I don't want to give away all the answers, but I'll show you some of the fun pictures we took that day. {Note: it's not a photo scavenger hunt. You don't have to take any pictures at all. But I don't even understand a day without pictures.} Some of these, we just took for fun. Not all are in relation to a clue.

{The grouchy faces were moments of clue struggle. LOL.}

We just so happened to end by a Starbucks. So it only seemed appropriate to celebrate.

After we finished our date, we headed to Costco. {I knew about this part of the date before we went.} We'd never been there before, but we had a gift card and wanted to check it out!

We had been told their food court had delicious food, so that's where we ate a mid-afternoon lunch. Ryan's sandwich was MASSIVE!! Mine was good - although I skipped the bread. {Didn't want to. Needed to save calories.}

On the way home, we needed more coffee, so back to Starbucks we went...and we got our coffee for FREE! They said we waited in line too long. We didn't think so, but we also didn't argue!

And because we raved forever on the podcast about the size of the mums we got at Costco, I thought you should see what I mean!

Thanks, Ryan, for planning such a fun date for us. I had a great day! It was such a treat to have you all to myself for a whole Saturday, and I loved what you planned!

My Place By His Side

If you've been reading here long, you know I prayed for many years to get married, and while I was busy praying {read: begging}, I was also busy preparing. Reading books and going to seminars and doing all I could to ready myself to be a wife.

I remember being utterly convinced, prior to marriage, that when I got married, I would somehow instinctively feel very different. That when a ring slid onto my finger, something else would slide in my soul that would instantly mature me into a wife.

That did not happen.

I felt loved and chosen and insanely happy to be married, but I also felt very much like the girl I had been the day before that and the day before that. It surprised me.

The other thing that surprised me was how difficult it was {within my own heart} to find my place in Ryan's family. Now before you raise an eyebrow, let me quickly say that they are a wonderful bunch and welcomed me in as their own even before I was their own. I was by no means excluded.

But they had always been. Around that huge family table {his family is seriously the numeric size of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, though they are neither fat, nor Greek}, everyone had long existed. They had established memories and traditions and they just knew things about each other. I wasn't sure how to slide into my chair and make my place.

I've learned it slowly throughout these 44.5 months. I've learned what dishes each person always brings to the potlucks and I've made a couple keepers of my own. I've learned every name, which truly did take a while, and I've learned which people love to talk and which ones are more reserved. {Most of them love talking.} I've learned their fierce loyalty to each other and have been the thankful recipient of it on more than one occasion.

I've grown and settled somewhat.

And then came this week.

As I mentioned quickly in Monday's post, Ryan's grandpa was taken to the hospital on Sunday, and they determined he had some significant bleeding on his brain. He was transferred to a larger hospital and after church, we drove to Indianapolis to sit with the slowly congregating family in the emergency room to await further instruction.

Ryan's grandpa is a treasure. I wish you could know him. I met him when I was just a little kid, because my parents would often visit the church he attended. He always remembered my name and spoke to me directly, not just over my head to my parents. And he always patted my cheek when I left, smiled, and said, "The Lord bless you."

I only ever knew one of my own grandfathers {the other one died before I was born} and the one I knew died when I was in 8th grade, so when I married Ryan and inherited a kind, God-loving grandfather who had been asking the Lord to bless me almost as long as I'd been alive, I was thrilled.

{I wrote about my first birthday card from him here; that still makes me cry! And it's when I found permission to call him Grandpa.}

Back when I had the great gallbladder eviction of 2015, Grandpa showed up at the hospital to sit with Ryan and my parents while they operated on me.

 I have never forgotten that.

Ryan loves his grandpa and aspires to be just like him, which is just fine with me. There could be no finer role model. I try to get a picture of the two of them every chance I get because I know there aren't nearly enough photos of me with my own grandpa. And I take my memory-maker role pretty seriously. Grandpa doesn't thrive on photo opps like I do, but he stands and smiles for me anyway, and I'm always grateful.

So there we were on Sunday, all of us gathered in that waiting room, headed back two at a time to see Grandpa {except me because I don't do emergencies well and I wanted someone who could handle it with a stronger stomach to have my turn}, and I found myself once again unsure of my place. How could I support Ryan like he needed and still stay at the edge and not intrude on all the established family places at the table?

Being a wife is lifelong learning, I've concluded.

So I did what I could. I documented the day. It's what we do in our little corner of Shafferland. We don't just document the moments that are glamorous and fun. We document the moments that define. And I knew we were somehow being defined by this trip to support Grandpa. So we took an emergency room selfie, trying to look braver than we felt.

I documented the moment when a coat came in contact with a Coke and we became "that family" hauling paper towels from bathrooms, calling for housekeeping, and receiving "the look" from other waiting room participants.

I documented the moment we got kicked out of the ER waiting room for being the Big Fat Greek Wedding family - banished to the trauma room.

{That photo also documents my thoughts on the matter in case you were unclear. If you're still unclear, come back for the podcast next week.}

They decided not to operate on him that day. They waited one more, so Monday, Ryan and I packed luggage {okay, I packed luggage. I've never traveled lightly} and traveled back to Indianapolis to cram ourselves in a tiny hospital room with a representation of the family to wait with and pray for Grandpa. {When a hospital worker came in to have papers signed, she said, "Other patients need visitors too, if you want to spread out!" HA!!!!!}

Ryan was nervous and I knew it. I was nervous. The patriarch was in the hands of God and a neurosurgeon we didn't know. {I shouldn't confess this but I will: I told Ryan that I wondered if we could ask for Derek Shepherd. And I wondered if this neurosurgeon started every operation by saying "It's a beautiful day to save lives." I would have felt much more comfortable if he did, I thought. And then I had to remind myself to separate my TV and real lives again.}

They came to get him for surgery, and we all hugged and kissed him one last time. He kissed my cheek, called me by name, and said "The Lord bless you," because that's what he does. Even before brain surgery.

We ate lunch and settled into various corners of the surgical waiting room and Ryan napped on my shoulder while I read a book of prayers.

The surgeon finished his work and met with the family, and I found my place at the table by watching all the bags and purses while they heard the outcome.

We were thankful it went well, and while the road ahead is long and uncertain, we had the chance to go to his room {even I summoned the bravery to go this time} and see him. He didn't say my name this time, but his eyes kept finding my face and I knew he knew me. {And just in case he wasn't sure, I kissed Ryan's cheek so he would know I belonged to his grandson.}

Because regardless of anything else, that is my place. I may still be learning where to fit in and what to do, but I do know my place is always by his side.

{I think Grandpa would find that verse most appropriate in this circumstance.}

To Cassie...On Her Wedding Weekend

Dear Cassie:

You were my best Christmas present ever. What eleven year old doesn't want a baby sister for Christmas? And since my parents made it quite clear that request was n.e.v.e.r. gonna happen, having a niece arrive in time for Christmas was equal perfection, I thought.

Would have been nice if I'd notified my face, wouldn't it?

One week after your birth...one week to the day...Jesus took hold of my heart in a new and passionate way, and sometime right after this picture was taken...

I hid in the bathroom of your parents' house in Amboy and knelt beside the tub to tell Him I was ready for a real relationship. I was already His daughter and saved by His grace, but that was the day my relationship became real. That was the day when, because of your tiny baby-girl hand in mine, I knew I needed my hand in His.

I love you because you're my niece, but I treasure your life even more because you impacted my eternity. That's even better than a baby for Christmas.

We were always pals. The beauty of an eleven-year age gap is that we really were more like sisters. We played and read books and colored and dressed up and made-believe...and you kindly overlooked my sense of fashion.

You copied what I did...journaling and reading from your own Bible when I read from mine and praying prayers that your dad said sounded like mine. He said he could always tell when you'd been hanging out with me because you started praying like I did. {Hope I didn't lead you astray there, Sister!}

I think, given the amount of years {most of them} that we've been separated by too many miles, we've done a good job of keeping our relationship open and great.

We grew up together...bumbling along the way and figuring out this life thing. You watched some pretty rough parts of my own journey and encouraged me and kept loving me even when I fell apart. I love you for that.

I admire your bravery. You are my girl in SO MANY WAYS, but bravery isn't one of them. You found your courage years before I did. In fact, you found yours before I found mine in real time, and you're eleven years behind me chronologically.

You had me at your high school graduation when you gave a speech in front of the President. OF THE UNITED STATES.

While you were doing that, I was hyperventilating my way through security and trying not to make eye contact with the Secret Service.

But you did it...and you did it with incredible grace. I mean really...how many aunts get to read quotes from their nieces' speeches on CNN?

We've found a way to make it work...trekking back and forth for the big moments in life...being part of each other's worlds. Thanks for making a place for me, always.

Aside from the bravery, I love how many things we both love. From books to organization, you're my girl through and through. I love it and I'm sorry.

You've supported me so fully in so much. You walked every step of my wedding day with me, taking pictures, running errands, carrying the bears, whatever I needed. You've read my books and offered your feedback. You encouraged me when I finally found my own sense of bravery lurking beneath the surface. I love you for all of that, too.

You put up with my endless photo taking, and you've actually extended an invitation for me to take pictures throughout the wedding weekend. I thought I was supposed to be the one giving YOU a gift!

You've welcomed Ryan into the family and made him your uncle, no questions asked. I still remember that night when you all came home to surprise us at Christmas, and you spent the night at our house, and the three of us stayed up crazy late talking and you asked our advice, listened to our thoughts, and we made a whole new aunt/uncle/niece family right there in that conversation.

And now it's your turn. Your wedding weekend. You've found the one your heart loves, and you're ready to hold on and not let go. My heart is bursting for you. Bursting with joy and pride and excitement.

I am proud of you for waiting, even when the wait was hard, to marry a man who loves you so well and is such a match for you. {Sorry you had to take after me on the waiting, too!} I have loved watching you blossom IN love and I have loved seeing contentment in you. The contentment of knowing this is good and right.

There's no formula for this marriage thing. You'll walk down an aisle in a stunning dress and exchange some words and have a party and go home with a new last name. All that is scripted and will go somewhat according to plan and the parts that don't go according to plan will just be great stories for later. {And you'll still be married, so it won't even matter.}

But then you'll hit marriage and there will be many good and wonderful things, and you should celebrate those. You know my philosophy. You can't over-celebrate marriage. Celebrate all the versaries and even a Tuesday if you want to. Tuesdays are underrated. Have fun. Make memories. Make traditions. TAKE PICTURES, for the love of Pete! {Or I suppose more appropriately, for the love of Kasey.}

Some days will be hard. Ryan and I hear a lot of people say that marriage is hard, and maybe for some, it is. It hasn't been for us. LIFE has been hard, and DAYS have been hard, but we just have a friend in our boat to do the hard days with. He has grumpy and disappointing days, and I try to cheer and champion him. I have grumpy and disappointing days, and he returns the favor. That's what you do. You balance and work as a team to do this life thing. You choose love every morning and then you walk through the day to figure out what love looks like that day.

Some days love is a versary with cake and a party. Some days love is sitting in the ER and hearing about gallbladder surgery. Some days love is dancing outside in the pitch black. Some days love is cleaning out the refrigerator because the other one hates to do it.

But choose love every day and then do the love thing, however it looks, for that day.

We had this line in our vows, and I go back to it all the time: I will live first unto our God and then unto you. Your job is to put God first and Kasey second, and his job is to do the same back to you. I haven't kept that every day of our marriage. Sometimes I want to put Ryan first and I have to remember that God was my first love. All the way back in that questionable hair photo when you were just a baby. God made me His. So my love is His first and then Ryan's and when I love Ryan the way God teaches me to love, it works. And when Ryan loves me as Christ loved the church, it works.

So do that. Even if it's not spelled right out like that in your vows.

I'm proud of you. This is the start of a beautiful new adventure that you both get to figure out one day and step at a time. Hold hands. Kiss all the time. Say I LOVE YOU out loud, and figure out how to be the Gambles. There's no manual until you write one. Write a good one.

Can't wait to see your beautiful self tomorrow. Much love to you both from both of us. We are excited for you!

Love,

Aunt Bekah

PS: The verse below is no reflection on marriage. HA! It's just the verse that came up for the day. But the last part...now that's a good attitude to take into marriage.