Throwback of the Heart

About a month ago, Ryan and I started reading Beth Moore's David: 90 Days With A Heart Like His for our morning devotions. I had started this book once before, but never finished it. There are places in the book to journal, and on my first run-through, I journaled the daylights out of the pages I read. (Is anyone surprised?)

I'm guessing based on context clues, that this took place about ten years ago, and it has been very eye-opening to read about the state of my heart and faith a decade ago.

In short, I was a mess. (Is anyone surprised?)

Single, losing hope, struggling to believe for a beautiful future, feeling utterly useless at work, and lost in a sea of friendships where everyone seemed to fit in except me.

Beth had written a prayer in the devotion Ryan and I read yesterday. In part, it said, "I will trust in You at all times. I will pour out my heart before you, for You will hear me and answer in your perfect time." (p. 126)

And after that, I had written,

Ahhh...the perfect time. The part that is so hard to wait on. And yet You have offered me these very verses before as a shred of hope about my love life. Even just tonight, I cried out in loneliness. Doing laundry for just me...baking cookies alone...eating at a TV tray...exercising with no one to appreciate the results...it was hard. And yet I believe You heard and You will answer. I'm trusting You because I know in Whom I have believed.

I read that little section aloud to Ryan and shook my head at the direct, specific answers in which I now live.

I'm not even kidding when I say that every single time I do our laundry, I'm thankful the load is twice as big. I'm thankful for every pair of socks and scrubs I match, fold, and put away. I'm thankful for every extra towel on the bar. I know every single girl has her own specific trigger for loneliness, and for me, laundry was a big one. I wanted double the laundry because of the person it would represent, and now, as I live in the answer, doing double the work brings double the joy.

I still bake cookies alone, but I don't eat them alone. (Although I confess there are still days when I could put away the whole batch by myself.) And the principle true of laundry is true of cookies as well. Whether it's actually a batch of cookies or some other dish, cooking for someone brings every bit the amount of joy that I long ago imagined it would. I love planning our meals, making our grocery list, and cooking for the two of us...

...Which leads to the TV tray comment. We've nixed the trays, but we do eat in front of the TV almost as often as we eat at the table. Old habits die hard. But eating in the company of one another is a blessing we don't take for granted. On the rare days when we do have to eat a meal alone, it just feels weird. Incomplete.

As for exercising with no one to appreciate the results, I told Ryan that back then, there weren't any results to appreciate, so I'm not sure what I was saying there. But although I don't exercise solely for Ryan's appreciation, I am always encouraged when he acknowledges the hard work I put into working out and eating well. It helps motivate me on the days when I just want donuts and naps.

I'm grateful that on some random day, a decade or so ago, I committed my specific dreams and heartaches to paper. I'm thankful I clung to a delicate thread of hope. And today I offer words of praise for the answers God eventually brought to me.

Some of you are still waiting for your Mr. Missing. Some of you are still waiting for something else that is dear to you. The words of Beth's prayer are true for you, too. May you chronicle your longings so you can one day see His answers. (I don't know what the answers will be, but I believe an answer of His choosing will come and He can open your eyes to see it!) 

Perspective

It's Valentine's Day, and whether or not you have a Valentine, this might be a hard day for you. We get that. It seems like there are just as many married people who don't look forward to this day as single people! So if you're irritated already and the day just began...can we try to cheer you up? A non-schmoopy Valentine edition of Spill the Beans awaits you.

Listen right here!

I was curious, after recording the podcast, what my last single Valentine's Day was like. I didn't remember it very clearly, so I went back to my trusty prayer journal to find my thoughts on that day.

Valentine's Day was always hard, of course, because I wanted to have a Valentine, but I never did. But after my Isaac journey, it was even harder, because Valentine's Day was the day I first learned about him and the potential of a relationship.

So that last single Valentine's Day marked two years since I'd first heard Isaac's name and my life as I knew it changed forever. And I wrote in my prayer journal that day, Hold me today - on this day of love and gifts. Shower me with You and help me to not be caught up in the absence of love.

My heart is still hopelessly tender toward those of you in that spot. Today is my fifth married Valentine's Day, and while I treasure what I have, I still feel that tender bruise under it all, of the years of waiting. I haven't forgotten the sting.


That last single Valentine's Day found me in a place where I had just begun to ache for love again, and it seemed like any promising path in that direction only brought hurt instead of healing. And that day, I chose to pray for the latest one by name. He was new to my friendship circle and what I thought was going to be a door thrown widely open by God's mercy turned out to be just the opposite. So I asked God to be with him specifically and I wrote, Though the pain runs deep for me, I know his own pain runs deep in ways I don't know or see, and such cleansing and healing can only come from You. On yet another single Valentine's Day, help me to trust...help me to know the pain isn't pointless.

Wouldn't it be great if God wrote in Sharpie on the wall? If He spelled out the exact reason for delays and pain and confusion? I'll tell you this much, my single friends: I may be married now, but I still wish He wrote in Sharpie. There are still things I wish I could just grasp. That doesn't go away with a wedding ring.


But listen to this. That particular day in 2012, when I had no idea I was less than ten months away from my own wedding day, I thought back over the guys I'd dated in my life (which, to be fair, were not many) and I recognized how they'd managed to hide me from the world at large. Not a single one of them had wanted an overly public relationship. (Some came before the days of social media, but even then, they weren't wild about public recognition of our relationship.) That was really hurtful, and on the Valentine's Day of 2012, I wrote, I want someone to be so excited about me that he shouts it.

And so it was that eight months later, someone named Ryan grabbed hold of a radio microphone and said in just about the most public way he possibly could that he loved me and wanted to spend forever with me. I'd call that a fairly clear answer to prayer.


Abundant healing for deep hurt, wouldn't you say?

But as I look back, I'm grateful now that those previous loves of mine were not so public after all. I'm grateful those were private, even when I wanted them to be more. I'm grateful the beautiful moments were kept sacred from public eye, and I'm grateful the messy moments were spared the public eye. God knew what He was doing. He knew what He would call me to and the protection I needed when I couldn't see it.

He knew that every hurt was necessary to shape and mold me into the woman Ryan needed as his wife. He knew our relationship was the one that would restore all that had been broken, wounded, and lost - for both of us.

I'm glad I spent that last single Valentine's Day with the Lord. I'm glad I was honest about my hurts and open to His healing. I'm glad He had a plan for me that was so much closer than I could even know. I'm glad He allowed brokenness and I'm glad He brought the healing.

Praying for you today, my bloggy friends. Those of you who are hurting and waiting...I'm praying for you. Praying God will bring a miracle to your day of showing you HIS deep love for you and praying He has a miracle ahead to bring you the love He has for you. And in it all, I'm praying you'll have the eyes to see His perspective at the time of His choosing.

Much love from Shafferland to you.

The Decade Before

Depending on what time of day you're reading this, you can close your eyes {which makes it hard it read, I know} and imagine your two favorite Shaffers cooped up in a car trekking to Florida for a WEDDING. Because four years ago right now, we were in the middle of doing just that.

 We played games and drank extraordinarily large amounts of coffee and pulled over at a rest stop for a quick 3 hour nap before resuming our trek.

And if you're reading this in the late morning or around noon, you can imagine us stuck in traffic for three hours, with no access to a bathroom or lunch. You can imagine a bride-to-be crying because she thinks all her cakes are going to melt in the backseat when she is literally less than five miles from her destination.

If you're reading this in the afternoon, you can imagine us taking our first peek at the beach where, in one day, we would exchange vows, or you can imagine me curled up on a bed trying to sleep off the sick yuck that came over me after 24 hours in a car with little sleep.

{You can also read all those fun stories here if you'd like.}

If you're reading this in the evening, you can imagine us at our "rehearsal dinner," which was a gathering of the family and friends who had come to town, all packed into the little condo where my parents were staying, eating delicious snacks prepared by a handful of my friends back at home.

It was a busy December 1, four years ago now.

But you know what else? There was a busy decade leading up to that.

This week, I organized my collection of journals, which date back to 1993 in all their embarrassing glory. As I put them all in date order, I opened one at random and read Ryan an entry from the summer of 1994, when I finally got my driver's license.

I say "finally," because I was the one teenage weirdo who actually did not CARE to get a license. Driving petrified me. I got my license because my mother {wisely} dragged me to the branch to take the test before my test waiver ran out. {I don't know if they even still do those anymore, but back then, if you had a high enough score in driver's ed, you could skip the driving portion of the test and just take the written portion. But the waiver only lasted so long, and mine was about to expire.}

I read Ryan the journal entry about how I'd been so nervous, I was shaking, but I got my license and it would not need renewed until 1999. And by that time, I wrote, I was sure I'd be married anyway and have a new last name for the license.

1999...2012...you know. Similar.

So I journaled about the happenings of my life until 2002, and actually I kept right on "regular" journaling even then, but I added a prayer journal to the mix in 2002.

And for the next ten years, God heard more than a few prayers. This many, actually:

{Overlook the hair. I hadn't prepped for a photo opp that day.}

These books hold my prayers, my wrestling, my questions, my faith, my offerings, my failures - all as I prayed for a husband I had yet to meet.

In these pages, God began to mold me in earnest to become the woman I needed to be. He had to do a lot of bending and breaking of my stubborn will, say many no's to my begging requests, and teach me much about Who He is and who He made me to be.

These ten years, in all fairness, weren't my favorite. And I'm sure some of the words attest to that. But these years were so necessary. Such foundations were laid in this time. And the girl who took the longest.car.ride.ever.to.Florida could only do that with such confidence because of the ten years represented in these fifteen books.

December 1, 2012 was a whirlwind of a dream come true. {Not the traffic jam or the feeling sick part. But the "carriage ride" to my wedding and the beauty of being surrounded by a representation of those who loved me.} But dreams come true because of the years leading up to them when God molds His children.

Don't resist the molding. {And I remind myself of this as I say it to you.} He has His holy reasons. You can trust them to lead to beauty.

The Saturday Six

One.

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I realize that going on ONE cruise does not make me an expert, but I happened upon this article the other day and thought it had a lot of great advice! I was glad Ryan was a well-seasoned cruiser, because he knew all this stuff and made sure we did it on our trip, and it's true: things really did go smoothly because we followed these tips! So if you're thinking of cruising in the future, and you've never gone before, read this!

Two.

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This post is really a review of a journaling Bible {and a well-done review, at that}, but I'm sharing it because I adore her concept of creating a spiritual heritage Bible. If your kids are too young to journal on their own {or if their journals, like mine were at a young age, mostly contain the details of their latest crush's dreamy eyes}, this is a great way to help them keep a record of what they learned about the Lord, how their faith grew and was tested, and conversations you had together. Love this idea! 

Three.

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Every now and then I am invited to be part of a writing group along with other women, and that is always a joy for me. I'm pretty disciplined in my own writing, but there's something good for the soul about the accountability of writing for an audience outside my own and alongside a team of writers that push me to become better at what I do. Recently, I was invited to write an article on singleness for the Annesley blog, and it was published on their website this week. The ladies who write for this site are extremely talented, and I'm sort of a sweaty mess to be included alongside them. Here's the link to my article, but singleness was the topic of the month for September, so poke around and read very thought-provoking and wise articles by other single/formerly single ladies!

Four.

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I am sharing this article, because I'm guessing one or two of you out there might wrestle with this same conundrum. How do you work with/for people you consider to be friends, and find a way to be fair to everyone? How to you offer your talents and ask for compensation without looking mean? It's hard! I'm learning this as I do more work on my own, because my time does matter, and I want to be fair to myself and to Ryan to get paid for what I do, but at the same time, I feel like a big ogre charging my friends. If that's you {for any service!!} check this out.

Five.

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You guys know about glamping? I've read about it, but I think this takes the glamping cake. Have you seen THIS??!!?!? 
 

Six.

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Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you guys. I might as well just come right out and say it. I didn't like the book I asked to review this week.


{Insert all the gasping, crying emoji faces here.}

I was so excited about this book because it's a marriage book, and I love marriage books. I love learning from other perspectives and finding new ideas to implement to make the marriage I have {and love} even better. So when I signed up to read Your Marriage Masterpiece by Al Janssen, I hoped I would be chosen to get a copy. And I was. I sat down with pen and ruler in hand, ready to underline and learn.

And I didn't like it. I feel horrible about not liking it, but it remains the truth. I'm baffled, because the book was first released in 2001, was updated and re-released in 2008 and again this year. While it doesn't have many reviews online, all but one from all three releases are glowing. And the one guy who didn't like it isn't a Christian and was bothered by all the God-talk. So I have no idea why I could not bring myself to connect with and learn from this book, which has found its way to its third release, but I couldn't and I didn't.

The book bounces back and forth between telling biblical accounts with a bit of a fictional license and telling real-life stories intertwined with marital advice. I am not opposed to fictionalized Bible stories. I've even written a few. But these were a bit too fictionalized for me. His angle for these stories is that they are told from the perspective of a couple of angels watching from Heaven. It was just a bit too much for me, but if that angle doesn't bother you, his storytelling is good, so you might enjoy it.

There were a couple of fictionalized parts that were more of a modern-day retelling of Scriptural accounts, like Gomer and Hosea, and I don't mind that method of teaching either, but I was confused as to why the fictionalized parts weren't all consistent one way or the other. 

In the sections of real life stories, I just found myself lost most of the time. I don't know the people he's writing about, and that's okay, but sometimes I would be reading along, eager to see what happened next, and the story just ended. Sometimes he stopped a story for a while and then picked it up later, but by that point, I'd forgotten who the people were, and I had to go back to find it. Sometimes the stories didn't end well, which is fine, because when you're sharing real life, sometimes that's the outcome. But I didn't always find the application spelled out after the story. It felt like abrupt transition that led to new stories I hadn't expected.

I'm so sad. I wanted to love the book. I really did. I did make myself read the entire thing, and I do think there are good bits of advice peppered throughout. Unfortunately I was so frustrated by the chaos that I couldn't focus on them to draw from them.

As a writer, I'm so sad to leave this review, because I know if it were my book, I would want it to be loved more than this, but I also have to be honest, and for me, it just wasn't a win.

* Bethany House provided a copy of this book to me in exchange for an honest review. *

The Saturday Six

One.

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Some of you have probably already gone back to school, so I'm a day late and a dollar short with this one, but if you haven't sent your kids back yet, here's a GREAT idea for some first day of school photo opps. You know very little makes me happier than photo opps. Even though I don't have kids, maybe someday I can tag along for a family on their first day of school. Would be such fun!

Two.

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I won't lie. There were several ideas in this list that made my OCD organizational heart SWOON. They might not all work for you, but check it out!!!

Three.

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I just started reading Jessica's blog recently, and she had a post this week about Yasso Bars. I learned about Yasso Bars when I worked at WBCL, because they were one of Lynne's FAVORITE things. She introduced me to a variety of flavors, but sadly, they are hard to find in Marion/Kokomo. So I didn't even know that there were NEW flavors!! I still highly recommend these if you can find them in your area! Delicious and healthy!

Four.

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Another recent blog find...which I actually found through Instagram, is Nicole's blog. She's passionate about Jesus and photography, so obviously I love her already, but I am also loving reading this season of her story. She and her husband are adopting a baby and have also recently found out they're expecting a biological child, too! Check out her encouraging words! 

Five.

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For my single friends...this article has some great suggestions and points. It is geared more toward college age single girls, so if you're older than that, some points may not apply to you, but there are still great truths found here! And also...much love from me to you today. My niece {who gets married today} and I were talking earlier this week about how both of us were older than we thought we would be when we got married, but I know God has not wasted that time for either of us, and He isn't wasting it for you either. I love you, sister!

Six.

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This week's book is totally unlike books I normally choose! Every now and then I like to switch it up to try something new, and this one was a pleasant surprise. I chose it to challenge myself, and then when it arrived, I wasn't sure I'd chosen the right book. But I did!

The Temple and the Tabernacle by J. Daniel Hays is much more of an academic-style book than I'm used to reading, but I actually loved it! Dr. Hays is a dean and professor at Ouachita Baptist University, and this book reads much more like a textbook than most books I normally choose, but I want to be quick to say that it's pleasantly easy to understand.

First, let me give you the synopsis. Beginning with the Garden of Eden, Dr. Hays takes his readers on a journey of the places God has chosen to dwell. From the Garden to the Tabernacle in the wilderness  to the various temples to the human heart, he explores what it means for God to dwell in a place with His people. He explains how God is far less impressed with the magnificence of the place than He is with the sincerity of the spirit found there.

His words are heavily backed by Scripture {I am so glad I didn't have to do all the documentation he did, but I definitely appreciated all the hard work he put into it!} and the book includes helpful tables and photos/artists' renderings that allow readers to better envision the ancient places of worship.

Although the book is intended to be informative, Dr. Hays also incorporates many helpful pieces of life advice. I came away from my time of reading convicted about the condition of my own spirit when I enter a temple of the Lord. It made me wonder if we {generally speaking} are much too concerned with the magnificence of our church buildings and not nearly concerned enough with the condition of our hearts as we worship.

This is a book that took some concentration for me, because I wanted to absorb it, but it was a much easier read than I expected. It is also a book I want to keep in my library and return to for more in-depth study and inspiration. I appreciated the work Dr. Hays put into the study and the great care with which he documented everything. I appreciated the visual aids and insights he shared that I've never considered, even in pieces of Scripture I thought I knew well.

I was reminded that God puts much thought into everything He does, and the details do matter. I appreciated the interpretation of details that I'd never before noticed, considered, or understood.

If you're interested in learning new and helpful information that might impact the way you worship and relate to the Lord, check out this book!

* Many thanks to Baker Books for publishing this resource and for sending a copy my way in exchange for a review.*

 

The Saturday Six

One.

Today's a pretty big day in Shafferland, because it's my birthday!!!!! I am so excited Ryan has the day off work and we can spend it together. I am also SO grateful for this past year of my life and all the joy it has provided. When I look back on my last birthday, I see a completely different person, and I'm grateful for the growth that has come to my heart and soul in this year. Excited to celebrate today! {Picture is from my last birthday.}


Two.

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My dear, dear friend Jamie Bennett has written a new blog post and it is a good read. Her blog is for those walking the single road, and I always appreciate her perspective and her trusting heart. She was such an encouragement to me in my own single years, and she continues to encourage me now, even though we no longer share that particular journey. Single or not, her words will speak to you!!

Three.

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Did you guys see this? Part of the cast of A League of Their Own reunited to throw out the first pitch of a game. A classic movie! "There's no crying in baseball!!" {PS - did you know the stadium from the movie is in Indiana? I went there several years ago...Ryan and I will have to visit it again when we do that county tour!}

Four.

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Ryan and I love to talk - about anything and everything. From rehashing the day to telling stories that just might let us learn something brand new about each other, we love a good conversation. I know for some couples, finding something to talk about is hard, so check out this list of conversation starters. Even though Ryan and I are good at talking, I think we might have to try some of these! 

Five.

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One of my Facebook friends shared this link this week, and I definitely wanted to hang onto it for future county tours. But why keep the love under wraps until we visit the counties? Check out some of these fun things to do in the state of Indiana! I've done some of them, but there are GREAT ideas on here!  

Six.

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The book I read this week was one I was willing to start recommending when I was only halfway through. I sat on the couch in a full-blown ugly cry, mascara and snot running everywhere, fully engrossed in the beauty and sorrow of the story before me.

September Vaudrey's memoir, Colors of Goodbye, tells the unimaginable {to me} pain she and her family experienced when her nineteen year old daughter, Katie, died following an automobile accident. Katie was vibrant in life, passionate about the Lord, and talented beyond measure as an artist. Her life, so full of promise, ended on this earth without warning, and September, her husband Scott, and their other four children were left to wrestle through a grief they could not understand and had not prepared to face.

The first part of the book is told in first person and tells the story of Katie's final hours and the days leading up to her memorial service. September's writing style is raw and beautiful, and it was this portion of the book that led me to the ugly cry {which I rarely do when reading}. Her words drew me into the very rooms and the loss itself. I never met Katie, but I grieved her as through September's words, I stood there and witnessed the deep sorrow.

In alternate places, the first portion of the book tells stories of Katie's life, further introducing me to this contagious spirit that left me convicted to live more fully and love more deeply.

The second portion of the book covers the weeks, months, and years following Katie's death, when the Vaudrey family - in all their varying styles of grief - learned to fumble and forage their way through their new, uninvited normal. September wrestles through hard topics, like understanding how God can be good and merciful when prayers are answered with a no. She vulnerably shares her own failings in grief and the things that worked for her, too. It's a grief guide that left me nodding and underlining along the way.

I appreciate September's style, because she doesn't write in a way that forces you to adjust to any lyrical or poetic voice. She is simply a friend, a sister, a mom, sharing her story. Introducing you to her daughter whose life was imperfect, yet joyously contagious. Offering her wisdom from the trenches. Not covering up the ugly and not denying the beautiful.

If you've ever lost a child, I think you should read this book. If you've ever lost anyone dear to you and you find yourself wrecked and lost in grief, I think you should read this book. If you want to meet an incredible young woman who lived to the fullest and left a legacy that indeed leaves ripples, I think you should read this book.

And bring lots of Kleenex.

Thank you, Tyndale, for publishing a needed and well-crafted memoir and for providing a copy for me to read!

 

Worth the Wait?

I love it when my friends ask me questions that make me think. Seriously love it. And this week, this was the question sent my way:

If and when I finally get married, will I be able to say "he was absolutely worth the wait?" I know what people mean when they say that, but I don't know if it's completely true, or at least if it will be for me. Yes, I can absolutely say that my spiritual life is miles beyond what it would have been if I hadn't had to walk this journey. So in that sense, of course it's worth it. But will I ever be able to say that I don't wish things would have been different and I don't wish I had met him ten years earlier so I could have loved him ten years longer? I don't know if I will ever get to the point where I feel it was worth all the missed experiences we didn't get together. I would love your thoughts on it...

No one has ever asked me this before, and I loved thinking it over. I'm not sure my answer is universal, but it is the truth of my heart, so I thought I'd share it with you today.

I fully expected I would get married right after college, and I was 21 when I graduated from college. I think back to the girl I was at 21, and I was kind of a mess. I had no idea {still!} who I really was, and for as strong as my foundations were, my personal foundations needed some serious stabilizing. I believe 100% if I got married {to anyone!} at that age, I could have ended up having a very happy marriage, but I also believe there would have been a lot of hurdles and obstacles between the wedding and truly happy, simply because of who I was at that tender age. And honestly, I fear I might not have enjoyed marriage in general as much as I did from the start of my married-at-34 story.

Ryan has told me a bit about who he was at 21, and while he was still very much a good, loving, godly man, he has been transparent to me about his rough edges. I fear had we met and married at that time, we would have endured a lot of head-butting that we have not had to contend with by getting married as older, more mature versions of ourselves.

So that's the first part of my answer. It was - for us - worth waiting because the more grown-up versions of who we are are so much better than the 21 year old versions of who we were.

BUT.

For me, the girl who ached to get married, singleness was so hard. And I would be lying if I said there hasn't been a bit of a grief process in letting go of dreams for milestones and moments that we are unlikely to ever know because we got married "so late" in life.

For example, I have always wanted to hit the 50 year mark in marriage. And we still could. But we'll be in our mid-80's, so the chances of us being able to enjoy that milestone to the fullest that I once dreamed I would are slim. Who knows!? We could be that spunky old couple that charges ahead right on into our 80's. But we could be the cranky old TV-watching couple, too! Either way - our 50th is not as much of a "sure thing" as I thought it would be dreaming as a teenager. And for me, that is a very real grief I've had to come to terms with.

While this isn't something we long for, those who marry later and desire to give birth to biological kids have to mourn the loss {or potential loss} of that dream. Sure, they could still have kids and be older moms. Sure, they could adopt. But the typical motherhood dream they always had must be grieved when they get "so far" past the age they always thought they would be when they got married.

I talked about all this with Ryan, and I told him in some ways I feel like it could be approached in a similar way to any other lost dream: a child who died or a spouse who died or left home. There are things that will just never be. Dreams left unrealized.

And that is what I love about God's love stories. They are redemption. Ryan and I have losses suffered prior to meeting each other, and those things make us who we are. We have had to grieve the losses that never can be, both with the lives we thought we would have and even the losses that never can be within our own story {see aforementioned golden anniversary adventures}.

But overriding the loss is God's great redemption. A love story that IS worth the wait but in no way takes away from the pain of the pre-wait. Those years mattered. Those years hurt and wounded. Those years grew me and shaped me, for sure. I am richer for them. But they still hurt. And that hurt needs to be recognized. It doesn't need to be pushed away or discounted just because the end result is as wonderful as it is.

I think we have this need to sweep under the rug anything the preceded the beautiful end to any part of a story. And I don't think that's the right thing to do. I think our whole stories deserve to be given their place. Some have a place of grief and some have a place of joy, but they all have a place. I think we need to recognize where we came from, what we went through, what we lost, what can never be - and allow ourselves to experience all the emotions that go along with them. And certainly we need to give the joy of a beautiful ending its rightful place too, and Ryan and I do just that.

Yes, Ryan was "worth the wait" as the cliche answer goes, but that wait was long and hard, and many times no fun at all. And it's okay to say and grieve that, too.

Throwback Wedding Day

Last week I packed up all my journals. All the pages with various colors of ink bleeding over them, lined up in a row, holding the memories of the angst years. Just for fun, as I packed, I peeked back to see what I was doing on my wedding day from the time I started journaling through to my wedding day.

I actually started a daily journaling practice on Christmas Day 1993, so my first recorded December 2nd was in 1994, EIGHTEEN YEARS before I got married. Oh my word. It was such a blessing I didn't know that little detail at that time in my life. I might have just given up.

Here are some highlights of this day through the years. {Summarized except where quoted.}

1994: Spent the evening babysitting four kids. Received my first paycheck for writing: twenty-five dollars. It was also the one year anniversary of the first time I started praying in earnest for someone. Not surprisingly, it was a guy. Surprisingly, it had nothing to do with love, and every time I see him {he still lives in the area} I smile inside, knowing he was my first prayer assignment.

1995: Was busy praying for another guy, also surprisingly not about love, but certainly taking my task seriously. Spent the day going to homes on a Christmas home show tour. The precursor to my HGTV addictions. :)

1996: I was a freshman in college and opened my entry with "I AM SO STRESSED!" I spent the day going to classes, doing homework, and suffering with car problems. Car wouldn't go over 15 MPH. Not sure why I worried; I rarely drove over that speed anyway. Had a crush on a guy who worked at the college. "He looked awesome." {giggling at my 1996 self.}

1997: I was a sophomore in college, and apparently I should have appreciated the stress of the previous year. I opened with, "I'm dying. Slowly, but surely, I'm dying." I'd caught my roommate's cold and was suffering through chills and fevers.

1998: Now a junior in college, I should have appreciated the cold of the sophomore year. I was tired and stressed {welcome to college, Bekah!} and had just been to the dentist with the precursor to my TMJ diagnosis, so I was in chronic pain. And I had just been asked out on my first real date. {I had NO interest in the guy but was trying to force myself to find some interest in case he was the only one who ever asked.}

1999: I was a senior in college, struggling through roommate drama, and reeling from the breakup of my first real boyfriend. {Who was not, by the way, the guy asking me out the year before.} I spent the evening talking with said first real ex-boyfriend, trying to work through my emotions of what happened to us. {A conversation that occurred approximately 23492938472983749327423 times.} And then he took me to practice driving on the interstate. Because, yes, as a senior in college, I still could not drive on the interstate.

2000: My first December out on my own, and I spent the day stressing over paying bills and managing money. And then I spent the evening on the phone with a guy I'd been semi-dating. It was the beginning of the end. Or maybe the middle of the end. Either way, I should have just figured it out, cut my losses, and called it done.

2001: An article I'd written was published on this day, and I spent the rest of the day writing Christmas cards. I'm proud of my former self for pushing to send cards every year, even though I was a family of one.

2002: I was already "so over" my math job, and I hate to tell my former self I had several more years to work there. I spent the evening decorating the house with Angela, my roommate, which was a challenge since we had completely opposite decorating styles. Also on this day, a friend from church told me "there were a bunch of hot guys" where she worked. Noteworthy, apparently.  {Hey Bekah! Hang on 10 more years, and it will be your wedding day!!}

2003: I was at the tail end of my gig as a direct sales consultant and had one of my last parties that evening. My crush from years gone by was in town and stopped in my office to see me, so really, that was all that mattered to make my year, I thought.

2004: I was so bored at work that I spent the day cleaning my office. That is some serious boredom. And I'd developed a new crush on a guy at work. He would be the one. I just knew it. {Except he wasn't. By a long shot.}

2005: Had a gallbladder attack. Hey Bekah! Only ten more years until they figure out what's wrong with you and you can get that thing out! As for the love life? Well, we won't talk about it. {Because there's nothing to say.}

2006: It was a Saturday and I slept until 11:15 and then spent the day having fun. I guess it's quite a step up from the year before, huh? But  not as great as the day six years in the future would be!

2007: My roommate Angela had moved into her own place by this time, and she invited me over to help her decorate for Christmas. It wasn't quite as stressful when it wasn't the meshing of our styles in one house. I still remember that night as one of my fondest memories with her. {For those of you who may be new to the blog, Angela died of cancer one year and one day before our wedding. We honored her as a bridesmaid in our wedding, because she had never been one and it was on her bucket list. We wanted to check that off for her.}

2008: Wrote a Dear John letter to a guy who was pursuing me. How I hated Dear John letters. And being pursued by men who didn't turn out to be the one. {Although Ryan still gets heavy giggles out of this section of my pre-Shaffer love life.} Only four years to go, Bekah! You're on the home stretch!!

2009: Spent the entire day putting out fires started by angry students and their parents, and then I came home to write a complaint letter to a store who did not handle business well. It wasn't my favorite day. But never fear. Three years in the future, all angry students and parents would be a distant memory and sand would be under my bare bridal feet!

2010: My first December after having my heart broken by Isaac. I was still reeling but wondered in print if maybe, just maybe, I wasn't a loser after all.

2011: The first December 2nd that I didn't journal. At all. Anywhere. My heart was hurting, and I wasn't sure how I'd ever reach the Promised Land. One year, dear Bekah. One year. You can do it!

Whew! What a ride!! I realize this post has little eternal significance, but it was fun to look back through. Thanks for reading along!! :)

The Saturday Six

One.

This article is written by the worship arts pastor at our church, and while she and I have very different career paths, I was convicted by her reminder to be open to paths orchestrated by God, rather than paths orchestrated by my own logic. Her words remind me of the importance of learning to serve in my own ways and learning to lead the generation behind me to serve in ways that play to their own strengths. Good thoughts to ponder in here.

Two.

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Ack!! How adorable are these labels for organizing?????

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In case I haven't gotten your house-hunting wheels turning enough yet this week, check out this super cute cottage plan!!!

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Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and if you STILL don't have plans and need something fun to do, this is a good idea. It's what we did last year! Fondue at home! This is a recipe for cheese fondue for two - it's similar to what I made, and doesn't leave you with a ton of leftovers.

Five.

My friend Kristin wrote this post, and while I am not a sci-fi kind of girl, I can't tell you how much I needed these words. {What I'm saying is even if sci-fi mystifies you like it does me, read this post. It won't confuse you.} Broken...but fixable. I love it.  

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I'm not sure I've ever before believed I could have an identical life twin, but I am now convinced I do, and her name is Stephanie Rische. Her book, I Was Blind (Dating), But Now I See was my read for this week and I am excited to tell you why I loved it.

I hesitate to say this just this way, because if Stephanie happens upon my blog and looks around, she might wildly disagree with these words, but her writing reminded me of my own writing. She's a lover of story, she's a lover of finding God in the moments of every day, and that's what you'll find in her book. So if you like what you read here, the serious and the deep and the funny, you'll like her book. It's got the same kind of feel.

If you're single, {HELLO, my single friends!!} this book is especially for you. Stephanie chronicles her own life journey through a series of blind dates and why they didn't work out, but how and why she learned pivotal life lessons as a result of each failed date. If you need and want to know you are not alone in all the feelings you have about being single when you long to be married, she'll make you giggle while reminding you that you are indeed not alone.

If you're NOT single, this book still has something for you. As you know, Ryan and I are praying and waiting for the sale of our home, and I'm finding many parallels between our current stage of waiting and the lessons that descend upon the life of a girl waiting for a husband. And if you're waiting for anything else - a job, a baby, your restored health - I can promise there are lessons and truths in these pages that you need to hear.

I sat with my jaw dropped as I read, floored at how many things Stephanie and I had in common. Not just the fact that we were both single into our thirties before getting married, but crazy little details, too. We've both had strong God-planted life themes of placing literal stones of remembrance in our lives to mark the work of God. We've both been visited {and subsequently utterly freaked out by} unmarked vehicles claiming to be vacuum sales people. We both resisted online dating for the same reasons. We both purchased our first home while single and mourned doing such a grown-up thing alone. We both found blind-dating to be dreadful and hopeful at the same time. We both spent Tuesdays in deep prayer. I've never before felt like I was reading my own story as I did in this book.

The book is an easy read with short chapters that tell captivating snippets of story, and not every story is about singleness. Many are just about life and the lessons she learned while weaving her way through the singleness and prayers for later. This is one I'll be keeping on my shelf and referring to and recommending often. Congratulations, Stephanie, on a wonderful, thoughtful, enjoyable, thought-provoking read! 

* Thanks, Tyndale, for publishing this book and for sending a copy my way in exchange for an honest review. *  

 

The Saturday Six

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One of my friends sent me the link to this blog post, which pretty much just nails the feelings of singleness. Not all the time, of course, but when it's really hard and you're struggling to put words to why it's hard, this post gives you the words. {And if you're not single, but you have single friends, read it anyway. It will help you understand their hearts.}

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I know it FEELS like Valentine's Day is a long way off, but it's under a month away. Whether or not you have a Valentine in the significant-other sense, this is a great day to tell the people in your life that you are grateful for them! I have been pilfering through my Valnetine's Day Pinterest board for some inspiration, and I thought I'd share it with you in case you need some too! {Some ideas I've already done, and on those, I left comments for reference of how I liked them or didn't!}

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I really appreciate this post by Kristen Welch, because I think everyone can identify in some way. We all need reminders that God sees the big picture and reminders to look in this very moment for ways He's present and working.

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Sometimes I just like a good instrumental hymn to calm my soul. My friend Brent Vernon shared one this week that will give you a moment of heart-respite. You can hear it here.

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Waiting is hard, and there are four million things you could read {and find helpful!} about surviving a season of waiting. But yesterday this post spoke to me particularly loudly, because it gave me specific prayers to pray in the waiting. If you're waiting for ANYTHING or discouraged by delays and continual no answers when you ache for a yes, check out this post.

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Last Sunday, I picked up Irene Hannon's latest novel, Thin Ice, to begin a leisurely week of reading. A few hours later, at one in the morning, I was frantically turning the last pages. I could not sleep until I knew how it ended. And she kept me guessing until the end!

I first read Irene Hannon last year with her small-town, feel-good novel Hope Harbor. I am now freshly aware of her talent as an author, because Thin Ice is the opposite of Hope Harbor! This book is the second in the Men of Valor series, and I asked to read it for two completely unrelated reasons: I love figure skating, and I love FBI/crime shows on TV. Those two worlds collide in Thin Ice, making it a good choice for me.

Christy Reed is a former world-class figure skater, who could have medaled in the Olympics, had she not been injured right before they took place. And that was just the beginning of her life filled with too much heartache. In the span of six months, she lost both her parents in a car accident and her sister to a house fire. She'd been working through her grief well until an envelope arrives addressed to her in her sister's handwriting - the sister who died in the house fire.

Convinced something is beyond not right, Christy contacts the FBI and brand new Special Agent Lance McGregor takes her case. His investigation reveals an equal amount of new questions and dead ends where he hoped to find answers. Convinced that Christy's life is on the line, and forced to divide his time among multiple cases and his own family's needs, Lance hopes he can find answers before it's the ultimate kind of too late.

This book is suspenseful from the beginning; the kind of heart-stopping suspense that really would encourage you NOT to read this at one in the morning before trying to sleep, though I did just that {and would do it again}! While Christy is a believer, and there are strong mentions of faith and the Gospel woven throughout, the story is not void of extreme {and sometimes disturbing} violence. Unfortunately, the type of crimes investigated in this book are too common in real life, but if you are jumpy about violence, I wanted to warn you that this book holds a lot of it. Having said that, if you normally watch TV dramas that include this kind of content, this book gives you that without unnecessary side stories.

I appreciated being able to read a story like this without the interruption of foul language, and while there is definitely a strong love-story line woven throughout, there is no inappropriate sexual content either. {Desire, yes. Sex, no.}

Irene tackles hard scenarios and portrays them well. Her characters are well-developed and I didn't find her storyline predictable, which made the suspense {obviously} all the better! I completely forgot to breathe as I read, which in my world, is the mark of a great book.

Thanks, Irene, for a compelling suspense novel, and thanks Revell, for sending a copy my way in exchange for an honest review!