Perspective

It's Valentine's Day, and whether or not you have a Valentine, this might be a hard day for you. We get that. It seems like there are just as many married people who don't look forward to this day as single people! So if you're irritated already and the day just began...can we try to cheer you up? A non-schmoopy Valentine edition of Spill the Beans awaits you.

Listen right here!

I was curious, after recording the podcast, what my last single Valentine's Day was like. I didn't remember it very clearly, so I went back to my trusty prayer journal to find my thoughts on that day.

Valentine's Day was always hard, of course, because I wanted to have a Valentine, but I never did. But after my Isaac journey, it was even harder, because Valentine's Day was the day I first learned about him and the potential of a relationship.

So that last single Valentine's Day marked two years since I'd first heard Isaac's name and my life as I knew it changed forever. And I wrote in my prayer journal that day, Hold me today - on this day of love and gifts. Shower me with You and help me to not be caught up in the absence of love.

My heart is still hopelessly tender toward those of you in that spot. Today is my fifth married Valentine's Day, and while I treasure what I have, I still feel that tender bruise under it all, of the years of waiting. I haven't forgotten the sting.


That last single Valentine's Day found me in a place where I had just begun to ache for love again, and it seemed like any promising path in that direction only brought hurt instead of healing. And that day, I chose to pray for the latest one by name. He was new to my friendship circle and what I thought was going to be a door thrown widely open by God's mercy turned out to be just the opposite. So I asked God to be with him specifically and I wrote, Though the pain runs deep for me, I know his own pain runs deep in ways I don't know or see, and such cleansing and healing can only come from You. On yet another single Valentine's Day, help me to trust...help me to know the pain isn't pointless.

Wouldn't it be great if God wrote in Sharpie on the wall? If He spelled out the exact reason for delays and pain and confusion? I'll tell you this much, my single friends: I may be married now, but I still wish He wrote in Sharpie. There are still things I wish I could just grasp. That doesn't go away with a wedding ring.


But listen to this. That particular day in 2012, when I had no idea I was less than ten months away from my own wedding day, I thought back over the guys I'd dated in my life (which, to be fair, were not many) and I recognized how they'd managed to hide me from the world at large. Not a single one of them had wanted an overly public relationship. (Some came before the days of social media, but even then, they weren't wild about public recognition of our relationship.) That was really hurtful, and on the Valentine's Day of 2012, I wrote, I want someone to be so excited about me that he shouts it.

And so it was that eight months later, someone named Ryan grabbed hold of a radio microphone and said in just about the most public way he possibly could that he loved me and wanted to spend forever with me. I'd call that a fairly clear answer to prayer.


Abundant healing for deep hurt, wouldn't you say?

But as I look back, I'm grateful now that those previous loves of mine were not so public after all. I'm grateful those were private, even when I wanted them to be more. I'm grateful the beautiful moments were kept sacred from public eye, and I'm grateful the messy moments were spared the public eye. God knew what He was doing. He knew what He would call me to and the protection I needed when I couldn't see it.

He knew that every hurt was necessary to shape and mold me into the woman Ryan needed as his wife. He knew our relationship was the one that would restore all that had been broken, wounded, and lost - for both of us.

I'm glad I spent that last single Valentine's Day with the Lord. I'm glad I was honest about my hurts and open to His healing. I'm glad He had a plan for me that was so much closer than I could even know. I'm glad He allowed brokenness and I'm glad He brought the healing.

Praying for you today, my bloggy friends. Those of you who are hurting and waiting...I'm praying for you. Praying God will bring a miracle to your day of showing you HIS deep love for you and praying He has a miracle ahead to bring you the love He has for you. And in it all, I'm praying you'll have the eyes to see His perspective at the time of His choosing.

Much love from Shafferland to you.

The Saturday Six

One.

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I ran across this post this week, and thought I'd share it with you in case you're looking ahead to bringing organization into your home in 2016. This blogger has a plan to do one organization task each week, and she offers this sneak peek to what it will encompass. I realize it's a bit early to be making new year's resolutions, but if you know cleaning will be among yours...here you go!

Two.

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I knew about this because I read it on Facebook, but I didn't know it made it into the media! My talented and creative friend Jenna made dresses and bow-ties for her parents' 40th anniversary celebration. She wanted to surprise them with something, so she made the dresses and bow-ties for all nine grandchildren, and they had a photo shoot.  Oh - and did I mention all the fabric came from the bridesmaid dresses from her parents' wedding? HOW CUTE IS THIS!

Three.

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A lovely post about lowering expectations on Christmas Day. I have to admit, in my newly adopted "less is more" mentality, I have a fresh appreciation for making holidays more about the memories than the stuff. {I also find her thoughts interesting in light of the book review below!}

Four.

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To my praying-for-love friends...a wonderful post written by my friend Jamie Bennett, about the gift of grieving losses in love.  

Five.

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I know one thing I am looking forward to about this winter is NO COMMUTE!!! But winter is really hard for a lot of people. The germs, the cold, the snow and ice, the feeling cooped up - that can all be really hard. I found this article fascinating - about a study done on Norwegian communities where people actually look forward to the deep winter, even though it means days on end with no sun. There's actually something marinating in my mind here that will show up in a future blog post, but for now, check out this article. Whether or not you agree with their thoughts, I still think it makes interesting reading.

Six.

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Sad sigh. It's time for me to tell you about a book I desperately wanted to love, but {gulp} I didn't.  Keeping Christmas is a new novel by Dan Walsh, out just in time for the holidays. According to his website and other reviews I read after I finished the book, it seems he puts out a new Christmas novel regularly, and I believe this is the fourth one.

It was also the first time I read any of his writing at all. I was surprised to see on his website that his writing is often compared to Nicholas Sparks and that he enjoys writing suspense. I was surprised by the Nicholas Sparks comparison, because I actually just sobbed my eyes out over The Notebook {AGAIN} and didn't have any of that strong emotional connection to this book. Also, I actually mentally prepared for suspense several times in this book and then realized it wasn't coming. I thought he was setting it up...and I was wrong. So maybe those things are found in his other books, but not in this one.

His story centers on a couple named Stan and Judith Winters, who are experiencing their first holiday season without any of their children at home. No one comes home for Thanksgiving and no one can afford to come home for Christmas, either. This turn of events sends Judith into such a downhill spiral that she just stops caring about Christmas. She doesn't want to decorate, she doesn't want to play the music, she just wants to sit and be sad. Stan is at a loss of how to help his wife recover her normally over-the-top festive spirit. Alongside their best friends, Barney and Betty, they work to help Judith find her festive.

I thought Dan did a good job of writing female characters...he didn't hesitate to portray scenes with crafts and shopping and other such things that I think might be kind of challenging for a  male author in terms of crawling inside the female mind. But even so, I really didn't like Judith at all. I found her to be whiny and selfish and I kind of wanted to send her to her room until she could straighten up her attitude. I've lived with parents who have struggled with diagnosed depression, and what I saw in the book described as depression didn't match up with the experiences I have witnessed. It just seemed to me like she wanted her way or else.

The storyline also  fell a little flat for me. I wanted more twists and turns and curves and suspense, and it was pretty straightforward. Having said that, I did tear up at the end. I won't give it away for you, but I will tell you that it did evoke a little emotion in me. To be fair, I had figured out how the story would resolve {unusual for me - I never figure stuff out ahead of time} but reading it unfold was lovely. But I will also tell you, even in the resolution, I didn't like Judith any better. My feelings toward her remained.

Maybe if I were an empty-nester, I would understand this a bit better and relate more? But I just couldn't get there in the reading. I think I would give another shot to reading something by this author, because some reviews I read said that this was not his best work, so maybe what I hoped for is found in another book?

{And I will say, I think it's a cool concept to have a new Christmas fiction piece every year. Kinda makes me want to take up fiction writing.}

* Thanks, Revell, for sending a copy of the book to me in exchange for an honest review. *

Thankfulness, Part 1

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I wanted to spend today and tomorrow sharing some things that make me extra thankful. I'm thankful for much more than these two lists say, but in honor of Thanksgiving, I wanted to share these this week!

1. Ryan's big family.

I grew up in a pretty little family. My dad is an only child, and my mom only has one sister. And I'm the caboose. So our holidays gatherings were pretty small - and even smaller once my grandparents died and all the cousins scattered across the U.S.A. So you can imagine my joy when I married into a family full of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, and nephews! This picture is probably a quarter of the whole crew - and I do think I've learned everyone's name now - but it's a joy to be part of a big family! 

2. The desert.

It's been four full years now since I walked the desert road, and while it was a long, hot, dark, and exhausting season of my life, I remain thankful for it. I'm thankful for the dependence on the Lord it taught me, I'm thankful for the strength in me it uncovered, and I'm thankful for the way it taught me that God can redeem even the most desperate, hopeless times. I am the girl I am today because of that desert, and I am thankful for it. 

3. The long home sale journey.

Ryan and I never DREAMED, almost two years ago, when we put his house on the market, that it would be the ordeal it has become. We put it up for sale on our own and immediately got a bite and we believed that family would make it their forever home. A year later, they'd moved out, and we were heartbroken and burned by the debacle it became. We spent months cleaning and repairing the damage and put it back on the market. A few months in, we got an offer and had no idea it would take FOUR MONTHS to close on the offer - and that is HOPING it actually happens within a few days like we've been promised {again}. This has been the longest, most exhausting, faith-testing walk of our marriage, and we are tired and so ready to be done. But I'm thankful for the hard season, because it's showed us both what the other is made of in a trial. And for the man my husband is in a trial - I'm grateful. 

4. My book.

In the past couple of weeks, I've had orders come in for the book I published four years ago - in the heart of that desert. I'm still so thankful for the opportunity to publish that book and thankful that I still hold to the words I wrote. I'm thankful for the lessons I learned in the writing and the waiting, and I'm always grateful to hear from others what the book has meant to them. This book has been a blessing to me, and I'm glad its words have reached out to bless others too! 

5. Answers yet to come.

There are so many areas of life that remain a mystery to Ryan and me. And by so many, I mean all, and by life, I mean our immediate future. We pray long and often for answers and direction...and I know they will come...in time. Clearly not in MY time, but in time. And so for these mysteries of the future that are elusive to us right now - I'm grateful. 

6. Ryan.

The fact that he's #6 on the list is in no way a reflection of his importance in my heart. I am so crazy grateful for this man and the fact that he showed up on my porch and in my life. I'm thankful for the way he loves me, prays for me, supports me, and does life every single day with me. For all the people who told me that I needed to know that marriage wasn't really like I dreamed, I present Ryan. He has proven that marriage can be a daily joy.

7. Loves who said no.

Yeah. You'd LIKE a picture on this one, wouldn't you?? I liked a lotta guys in my day. Some never knew it, some didn't return it. And you know what? Some of those guys were really great, upstanding guys with good jobs and a wonderful heart for the Lord. And I asked the Lord OFTEN why He was withholding a yes...because it wasn't like I picked a bunch of deadbeats! But looking back, I'm so thankful for all the guys that didn't work out. Because of each no, I got my very best yes.

8. Heritage.

As thankful as I am for Ryan's big family, I'm also thankful for my own heritage. My siblings and parents and niece and grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins who all, in their own way, contributed to my life and laid a foundation for me. So thankful for the heritage I call mine.

9. Grace.

When I think about what I actually deserve for some of my past choices, actions, and sins, I'm so grateful for grace. Grateful for God's grace and the grace of those around me. Those who allow me to be a human who sometimes messes up. Those who are willing to look past my blunders to see my heart. Oh how thankful I am for grace.

10. Friendships - Forever and Seasonal.

I used to really beat myself up over friendships that changed or ended. I love all my friends, and feel somewhat like a failure when something changes. But God has been teaching me that some friendships are intended to be permanent life-gifts, and others may just be there for a short season, but both are poignant pieces of my life. I am who I am today because of all the friends I have had and still have...and I'm thankful for each one.

Beautiful Endings

I know many of you out there who read this blog are hurting from lost love and waiting for new love. I speak especially to you today.

Three years ago today, I awakened to an email from my dear friend, Julie Crandall, who was one of many God-ordained friends who walked that dark desert journey with me. After answering {very well} some questions I'd asked, she closed with these words: Relax. The outcome of this situation is not on your shoulders. It is in God's hands. "The one who calls you is faithful and HE will do it." - 1 Thessalonians 5:24...Lifting you up...Julie

I opened the devotional book I clung to with great dependence that year, Streams in the Desert, and read these words: Habakkuk 2:3 - "The revelation awaits an appointed time. Though it linger, wait for it; it WILL certainly come and WILL NOT DELAY." The devo that followed said, He will use His refining fire to burn away our impurities and will then gloriously come to our rescue. Do not grieve Him by doubting His love. Instead, lift up your eyes, and begin praising Him RIGHT NOW for the deliverance that is on its way to you. Then you will be abundantly rewarded for the delay that has tried your faith.

Then I sat with my journal and penned these words: I have to trust You for the amazing journey of crossing the river into the Promised Land. I have to trust You to speak to his heart...I have to trust You to calm his soul enough to know he is capable of love. Capable of leading. Capable of being desired and served. I want to wash his feet. I want to humble myself and bless him by washing his feet. Quiet my soul so I may wait for YOUR ending. Your beautiful ending that You've written just for me.Make this journey a beautiful picture of Your grace, Jesus.

You see, when Isaac came to me and said he needed to go away alone into a wilderness to work on his heart, I felt God leading me to believe that we would be healed and restored by the 4th of July. You have to understand. I'm not a girl who senses things like specific dates or specific ANYTHING when it comes to prayer. But that time, I did, and it was unmistakable. So from that night in April...all the way through May and June, I just ached for July 4th to roll around because I just KNEW that on that day, he would come back to me in a grand display that would surpass any fireworks show in the nation. 

I knew it. 

That last hour of July 4, 2010 was beyond excruciating. I sat by the front door, awaiting the sound of footsteps on the boards…awaiting the sound of the phone ringing with a call or text. I ached for God to bring about some movie-like ending. And I had no idea what would do if I went to bed and awakened the next morning...still alone.

And that's exactly what happened.

July 5th dawned bright and hot, and my phone lay silent beside me. He hadn't stepped onto the porch to ring the doorbell. He hadn't called. He hadn't texted. 

And that ending that I ached and prayed for never came.

Many of you read this blog right through that time and know how I struggled with the loss of that love and how deeply my faith was shaken in the way he did not come back as I felt certain God said he would.

But I say this to you today, July 4, 2013, three years later, after having just celebrated seven months of marriage to Ryan, 

God. Answered. Every. Word. Written. Above.

 The outcome of the situation was not on my shoulders. It was in God's Hands. And He brought to me a man named Ryan to claim what Isaac would not.

He will use His refining fire to burn away our impurities and will then gloriously come to our rescue. I am not the same woman I was in 2010. God used my dark, hot, lonely desert to burn away impurities on every side from my life and then gloriously came to my rescue by bringing me into a new career and making me ready to receive real, true, abundant love.

Then you will be abundantly rewarded for the delay that has tried your faith. You got that right.

I have to trust You to speak to his heart...I have to trust You to calm his soul enough to know he is capable of love. Capable of leading. Capable of being desired and served. I don't know what went on in Isaac's heart as I prayed these prayers, because he never told me. But I DO know that God spoke to Ryan's heart and calmed his soul to know that he was capable of loving, leading, being desired, and being served, and he lives that out every. single. day.

I want to wash his feet. I want to humble myself and bless him by washing his feet. Isaac never could accept that gift from me, but Ryan did - including the morning of our wedding, when we washed each other's feet on the same sand where later that day, we promised our lives to each other.

Quiet my soul so I may wait for YOUR ending. Your beautiful ending that You've written just for me.Make this journey a beautiful picture of Your grace, Jesus. It wasn't the ending I expected that day, but it was the ending He wrote...and what a picture of His grace it turned out to be. 

And so it was that on another day, in another year, I heard steps on the porch...and a man named Ryan said he was interested in me....and in a movie-like ending, he pursued me unmistakably, told a radio audience he wanted to claim me to be his for life, and in a sunset wedding, he offered me his forever and promised to care for me for the rest of my forever.

Today, I celebrate that. Today I embrace the joy that God took a date on the calendar that was so broken in my life...and He has healed and restored. Not in the way I expected.

In a way far better.

Wrong Turns and Worth

Right after Easter, I shared my latest SSMT verse and in the comments, an anonymous friend wrote, 
"Just wish I had some blueprints. Totally don't get why my life is the way it is. I feel I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere just don't know where." 

I stared at those words for a while before responding, completely unsure I had the right answer. After praying about it...I concluded these two possibilities:


* Either he/she did NOT make a wrong turn and Satan was having a full-on party casting doubt and insecurity on the situation or....

* He/she DID make a wrong turn, but praise the Lord, nothing is beyond the Lord's ability to redeem.

I don't know who Anonymous is and I don't know the situation, but I bet someone else out there feels the same way. And so have I, on more than one occasion.

* I remember wondering if I made a wrong turn when I pursued a writing major. Was I not marketable enough? Should I have chosen something else? Gone somewhere else to school? Somewhere that would have allowed me to leave debt free?

* Did I make a wrong turn when I bought this house? Could I have already been in Fort Wayne and done with commuting if I didn't have a house to sell?

* Did I make a wrong turn by self-publishing my book instead of waiting for a traditional publishing offer to come my way?

* Did I make a wrong turn by entering into a relationship with Isaac, back in the day?

My life would no doubt look completely different if I'd made a different turn at any of those junctures. But this I know:

* When I was hired for my producer job at WBCL, my writing experience was huge in making me qualified for the position. And the skills I'd learned while working in Financial Aid served me just as well - and I wouldn't have had that job if I'd not attended IWU.

* If I'd moved to Fort Wayne immediately after getting my job, I never would have dated Ryan. And I wouldn't have this wonderful husband today.

* I got my interview on Mid-Morning because I'd published a book. And because I was a guest on the show, I found out about a job opening.

* If I hadn't dated Isaac, I wouldn't be the person I am today. The brokenness led to wholeness.

Wrong turns aren't beyond God's ability to redeem if surrendered to Him. And what might seem a wrong turn might actually be the perfect turn...if you wait to see.

So, dear Anonymous friend, seek the Lord. He'll be faithful to guide you in affirming you didn't make a wrong turn after all...or back onto the right path if you did.

And in slightly related news...after yesterday's blog post, I've decided to make the next few weeks a little series called "Worth it Wednesdays." You all are hurting in some of the same ways I have been - and there's no reason we shouldn't walk together. So if you are struggling with self-worth, come visit here on Wednesdays. We'll work together to learn to see ourselves the way God sees us.

Coffee Chats

I admitted yesterday that my posts were likely to be fluffy this week, due to my reception brain...but this one might be a little less floofy than the rest. My heart is so heavy to talk about this, so we're just gonna talk about it right now.

Lately, I've been getting some emails from Bekah's Bits lurkers who have poured out their own stories of desire for marriage and for morning to come...and my heart is just breaking knowing that there are so many of you out there who hurt like that. The hurt I remember SO MUCH. So today I want to talk to you. And because I love coffee, I'm just going to call this a coffee chat. Feel free to pour a cup for yourself while you read. Chances are good that wherever I am while you're reading - I've got my own cup.

Let me say this to you. This picture, taken of my sister, Julie, and me was taken in May 2010. I had just turned 33 and I was just over a month into my desert season after Isaac walked away {initially} from our relationship.

I was smiling but my eyes were dead that night because my HEART was dead that night. I was brokenhearted, swimming in rejection, and wondering when God was going to heal Isaac's heart. I had to talk my way through every activity every day - from getting out of bed to getting ready to going to work to paying bills {you get the idea}. And honestly, if I'd known this night that Isaac wouldn't ever come back, I would not have had the will to go on.

Our ignorance is God's gift.

In that season, He carried me, He taught me to push on with grit and He showered me with His grace. And in that season, He prepared me to be Ryan's wife, though I had NO idea that would be His answer down the road.

Ryan and I are amazed that there are so many of you out there who have stories like mine. We're amazed at how many of you email and say our story gave you hope. We love that part of it.

So today, if you're hurting about love - for whatever reason, wrap your hands around your coffee cup and let me say this to you.

* God wastes nothing. Even if your season right now is dark and feels hopeless from all directions, HE IS STILL WORKING. You might not see or feel it now - but one day - at some Divinely appointed time down the road - you'll see how He was working. And such gratitude will pour over you on that day...it will be such a gift. In the meantime, this season you're living is not wasted. He'll find a way to use it.

* Sunrise can come so quickly. Ever notice {especially in the winter} how long it's dark? From 5 in the evening until 8 in the morning, it's dark out. But when the sun comes up - it goes from the horizon to the sky so quickly. And your morning might come on that quickly too. I had no idea last summer that I'd be married by Christmas. NO IDEA. But when God began to move in our love story, He moved at a very fast pace.

* Push. Like I said earlier, there were some days that the only reason I got out of bed was because I had to go to work. The only reason I did anything fun in that season was because my friends came over and dragged me out of the house. But though I felt like hiding under the covers, pushing myself to go to work or go out with the aforementioned friends was so good for me. So if you don't feel like doing it - try anyway. It'll be good for you.

* Pray. Hours and hours and hours of driving...pacing...walking outside...and curling up in the fat chair in the living room were coupled with deep groans poured out to the Lord. I was just honest in that season. Whether I was grieving, angry, confused, or something else, I told Him. No hiding it. He heard every ugly emotion and He proved faithful.

* Trust Him. There was a time in that desert when I said to God, "I'm not sure I trust You anymore. You didn't keep your promise." Not the nicest thing to say to God, but He helped me see that HE was trustworthy - even when people are not. So if you're in a place where you feel like you just can't....let me tell you He IS trustworthy. He is. Always.

If you'd like to come out of the lurking shadows to share your heart with me {and Ryan} - but you don't want to leave a comment for everyone to see - you're welcome to email at readingrebekah at yahoo.

Know that you are SO LOVED by our Abba!!

Morning Has Broken

Yesterday morning, I sat in the front pew of our sanctuary, scribbling in my journal while the worship team practiced on the platform. Now and then I'd glance up and swap smiles and eyebrow raises with Ryan...and then back to journaling I'd go.
 
During one of my forward glances, I caught the fiery glow of the sun crashing through the stained glass window behind the organ. I love it when the sun bursts through that window, reminding me of His presence right there with us. Worship songs washed over me and I sat in prayer, savoring the moments.

Church began and I sat alone in my pew while Ryan and the praise team sang...and after the first couple of songs, I noticed Ryan was still holding the microphone. He began to speak and I thought, Well that's a nice surprise. I didn't know he was doing the call to worship today.

He talked about our story and how so many of you here on the blog have left comments about how it's given you a measure of hope. He talked about how on Mid-Morning this year, we're focusing on the theme of how God writes our story...and how we all have a story.

And then he talked about a little song...one I've written about before here and here. Josh Wilson's song Before the Morning. He talked about how it had ministered to both of us in our respective places of hurt.

And then he sang it. 

I had no idea. I had no clue he was singing a special in church and that it would be just for me - was...well...it was the first time anyone has done that for me before. 

I sat in my pew, squeezed my eyes shut to hold back tears, and listened to him...and I remembered the day I first heard it.

Memorial Day weekend, 2010, while I was in the car with my friend Rachel, driving back home after a strawberry shortcake at Ivanhoe's. My desert was in full swing and I could barely breathe. I knew when she dropped me off at home, I was stuck there for three long, torturous days. Most of my friends had left town for the holiday and Isaac, the one man I loved more than anything, had planned to introduce me to his family that weekend, but instead he told me he wasn't ready, and I should stay home.

So I did. I stayed home and felt the searing pain of his rejection...his decision to hide me from his family...and I had little hope in my heart that the words of Josh's song were true. That I would ever forget the pain and that morning would ever come. And in that relationship, morning never did come. Isaac walked away, and I thought I'd never be loved again. But then God brought Ryan...

...And yesterday morning I sat in a pew, not only hearing the words of the song, but hearing them from the lips of my own husband specifically dedicated to me in front of an entire congregation of people. God's redemption of my pain showed up yet again...taking away the shame of being hidden and replaced with the healing of being publicly acknowledged and chosen.

Maybe you're where I was on Memorial Day weekend, 2010. Maybe you're wondering if the pain that you've been feeling could possibly be the hurt before the healing. If healing really will ever come.

Sweet friend, it really is the dark before the morning.

And when morning comes - in whatever way it comes for you - and your story will look different from ours -

It will be two things.

Unmistakable

and

Magnificent.

The Words I Never Thought I Could Say

I'm so anxious to share with you about our first date and to catch you up on that fun side of things, but I cannot move on to that without first saying this.

For those of you who knew me and most of all for those of you who walked beside me during the desert days, I need you to hear these words.

I would not trade that heartbreak for anything, and I can absolutely see why I needed to be so devastated...and I am so grateful for that season of my life and the purpose it now serves.

Wow. Never thought I would be able to say that and mean it.

When I wrestled through those dark months of rejection and hurt and anger and sadness (and you could insert about 10,000 more feelings right here), I knew there was no possible way this would ever be a good thing in my life. I knew it would always be the season that just went horribly wrong. The time when Satan got a foothold and God had to scramble to find something to do with me because Isaac had chosen to mess up the plan God intended.

And. I. Was. So. Wrong.

That season probably had many more purposes than I'll ever know on this earth. In my life at the time, it changed me into a new person. I learned that if I could survive that, I could survive anything. Nothing had ever physically, emotionally, and spiritually rocked me like that time. And at the end of it, I was 4 dress sizes smaller, a whole lot braver, and deeply in love with my Abba. That alone made the devastation worthwhile.

But now, on the other side of things, I see how necessary that darkness was. It has helped me understand Ryan's own hurt in a way I never could have if I'd not walked through it. It helped me know what things to say and what things not to say.

Genesis 50:20 says "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

I heard a pastor once say that the word intended in the original language means to weave.

You wove to harm me but God rewove it for good to accomplish what is now being done...

And that is how I view that season of my life now. While I still don't think Isaac is malicious and set out to break my heart, he did break my heart. And that weaving did devastate me. Deeply. But God rewove it and turned it into a beautiful platform for me to stand on...to accomplish what is now being done in my life.

And. I. Am. Grateful.

Thanks for reading along this week for the abbreviated version of how I came to be asked out on a date...which I'll tell you more about tomorrow!

Two Years

Two years ago this week, my desert began. I know some of you are new to my blog and have absolutely no idea what that means, but for those of you who have been here a while...you remember.

I was in love with the man I planned to marry and he told me he couldn't marry me. He walked away into a soul-wilderness, and he never came back to me. And what ensued was a very long, excruciatingly painful journey that I thought for a little bit might just kill me, but it didn't.

Now and then, people ask questions about it, so I wanted to take a minute to acknowledge life, two years later.

* Isaac is now married. I've had people ask me how I feel about that. Well, it wasn't the happiest day of my life when I learned that news. (Read: cried for hours.) But God asked me once if I would be willing to give him up if it meant his complete healing and I said yes. Don't know if he healed or not, but once you've told God you're willing to let go, you can't really be too mad when He asks you to do that. I've prayed for them (more than once) - that their marriage will be blessed and successful.

* I've survived this; I can survive anything. Losing Isaac was, without question, the most painful loss and journey I've ever known. Anything that comes at me now is compared to that and found survivable. Whenever I'm tempted to feel I'm not going to make it through something, I say to myself, "You survived that; you can do this." And then I do it.

* Just because it's over doesn't mean the hurt disappeared. Though our paths don't really cross, there are times I see pictures of him (through his family) and that brings incredible fresh sears of pain. Satan jumps all over those moments to say "Look what you didn't get." I like to call them "opportunities for faith." At those moments I revert to "You survived that; you can do this." And then I do.

* Morning has broken. Every day as I drive to work and watch the sunrise, I remember my theme song from the desert - which was Before the Morning. And I remind myself that my morning has come. Life, though not at all what I envisioned two years ago, is beautiful and laden with gifts. It's minus Isaac and I miss him, but God has new plans for this girl and as He sees fit, He'll unfold them.

And finally...this song. Oh my goodness. Another one that could be my theme. If you've got a hurt going on...take a listen.

Hope

When I first went into my desert last year, this is one of the very first set of verses I encountered:

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” - Lamentations 3:21-24

I'd read the verses many times in my life before that day...but I never paid attention to the words that came before "Because of the Lord's great love..."

I remember night after night, pacing back and forth in my house, clutching my Bible as though it were my oxygen, literally gritting my teeth, and saying "Yet this I call to mind....yet this I call to mind...this I call to mind." I forced myself to focus on those words. I didn't believe any of them. I didn't believe that I wouldn't be consumed. I didn't believe I would survive. I wasn't sure I'd live long enough to wait for the Lord. But I paced and spoke those words aloud through gritted teeth just the same.

It was one year ago yesterday that I spoke to Isaac for the last time. I woke up and the ONLY thing I could think of to be thankful for was that he was in my life. (Even though he was mostly out of my life by that point.) I just knew God would bring him back and I was determined to wait.

I didn't know he was already in another relationship.

Before last Thanksgiving was over, I'd had my heart broken twice: once by Isaac and once in another long story that I won't bore you with here and now, but I went to bed utterly hopeless.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling lonely. Feeling sad that Isaac chose someone else over me. Feeling that I lacked...and if I'd been more...if I'd been enough...he would have stayed. He would have come back.

I laid in bed and prayed about that for a while, and God was so good to meet my heart and give me one of those new mercies.

I had the BEST Thanksgiving I've ever had in my life. It was THE best day. Laughter...utter delight...amazing memories.

It's true. His mercies ARE new. Life is not fair. Things don't always turn out the way we want...wish for...pray for. But that doesn't mean He can't take a mess and redeem it into beauty. He can and He will. And He has.

Therefore, I have hope.

The God Moment

I love sharing my God-moments with you because I figure if He goes to the trouble to arrange them, I should at least give Him appropriate acknowledgement for it. But at the same time, some of those moments are incredibly personal...so it's all about finding that fine line between preserving what's personal and sharing what He's doing in my life!

My God-moment at the E-Women conference came right at the end of Lysa TerKeurst's talk. If you've never heard Lysa's story...she's now the head of Proverbs 31 Ministries, which is a huge women's ministry. But before she came to be in charge of that, she was a girl who came from a broken home, was rejected by her dad, abused by a family friend, got pregnant in college, and had an abortion. She talked about letting God take your mess and make it your message.

I knew going into this weekend, that at some point, God and I were going to have to do some business. I wasn't sure when...or exactly what...but I knew it was coming.

You've watched me struggle out loud on this blog to make sense of the brokenness of my last year. Honestly, one of the biggest unanswered questions I had when Isaac left was that God had been SO CLEAR to me that part of our role in each others' lives was redemption. The relationship I understood God meant for us to share was going to redeem a whole lot of brokenness and unfulfillment we had experienced prior to meeting each other. Perhaps Isaac has gone on to do just that in a new relationship, but I've been left to wonder how God would work that out in my life.

Who would fill that on-earth role for me? And how would I get to serve that purpose in someone else's life?

As Lysa talked about letting God turn our mess into our message, I literally saw my entire relationship with Isaac pass from start to finish in my mind. It was just like watching a highlight reel in my head. I actually had to sit down while others stood to pray, because I was so overwhelmed by the flood of memories. The more I remembered, the more I felt tears pressing my eyes. I fought them because, let's face it, this is ridiculous. He's been gone from my life for more than a year. Get OVER it, Bekah!

I could feel my back tensing and then I felt Marie's hand just rest on my back, and I knew she was praying for me, though she had no idea what was going on in my mind.

And as I reached the end of the mental reel, I saw myself collapsed on the cement floor of a shelter house, clad in an ill-fitting flowery Easter dress and pink flip flops, sobbing before the Lord so hard that tears wouldn't even come...literally wailing...asking Him to please tell me what He wanted from me.

He prompted me to remember the quote from Angie Smith's book, I Will Carry You: "continue to worship the Lord, keeping what He has given you until the moment you are called to give it away. And as the glass shatters all around you and you grow dizzy from the intoxicating smell of pure love, get as close to His feet as you can. And know this. It was always meant to fall from your hands. And He is glorified in the shattering."

I thought about that moment...saw myself in my own memory...and then right there in the Coliseum, I heard Him ask me to be willing to do it again. Not with Isaac. But to be willing to walk the same road of stepping WAY outside any preconceived plan for relationship that I'd ever had.

My heart nodded yes before my voice could follow suit, and I felt the tears escaping. I was leaning over in my seat, so the tears fell and ran down my arms, and I thought again of that quote, about God being glorified in the shattering.

That's what the shattering feels like. The moment when your heart says yes.

I felt my back relax under Marie's hand and prayers.

I said yes.

I have no idea what I've said yes TO. But I have great hope that He has a magnificent plan to redeem.