I love married life.
I love being loved.
I love that look in his eyes when he sees me and I know he's crazy about me.
I love finding notes in my lunch box that tell me how much he loves life with me.
I love knowing this really is forever.
And sometimes I hate myself.
I can't pass a mirror without turning sideways and surveying the damage.
Sometimes even while Ryan is whispering in my ear that he loves me, Satan is screaming in my other ear that I'm ugly and worthless.
And man, is he LOUD.
And on those days, I sit and tell myself I'm not good enough. Not for Ryan, not for my job, not for anyone or anything.
Yesterday morning, the alarm blared its annoying beeps and I smacked it before rolling over into Ryan's arms. As my eyes struggled to open and comprehend the day, I remembered the night before. The night when Satan screamed my worthlessness over...and over...and over. And I said out loud {not even sure Ryan was awake to hear}..."Will I ever be better?"
And he said, If you choose to be.
I said, "Will I ever love the girl I am?"
He said, There's nothing not to love.
There's
Nothing
Not
To
Love.
So yesterday I pondered it. And here's what I came up with. God has been too good to me, and life is too wonderful to not love it.
I choose to desire love. Not for Ryan. Loving Ryan is easy. I choose to love me.
I wonder...are you in a season of self-loathing, too? What if you came with me on this journey? What if you chose to love you?
11 comments:
I want to walk that journey with you Bekah because I have fought that same ugly battle for many many years! HELP!
So then we'll be in the boat together. I'm thinking Wednesdays are a good day to tackle this one. Worth it Wednesdays. Sound good to you?
When I turned 55, it was as if someone flipped a switch & I suddenly knew...what is important & what's not; I was happy with my weight (ok, maybe not HAPPY, but ok with it); my hair color (I had stopped coloring it) and embraced my natural curls; and, I saw a picture of myself @ your age & realized I WAS pretty...something I had never believed. That's when I realized youth is SO wasted on the young! We really should start out old, then we'd know this stuff from the get go.
We are children of God, Bekah, created by him, and I don't believe I know anyone more talented, creative, artistic, and hungry for God than you. I pray that you have the wisdom as if you are 55, while enjoying the age you are now!
I would be very interested in hearing more - it's something God has been working on my heart too.
Thanks for your vulnerability!
Worth it Wednesdays....interesting!
Barb - what a beautiful thing to read - thank you so much for the compliment and for the encouragement!!!! And I love it that God flipped a switch for you! :)
Sarah - I figure if I'm gonna have a blog, I might as well be honest. Glad to know He's working on you too - I think He might just want to do a whole overhaul on a few of us!!
Anonymous - It's marinating in my mind. I think it might be the thing to do. :)
The enemy shouts the same things in my ear - mostly related to still being single. Not worthy of being loved by a good, God-freaing man. Not worthy of being a wife. Not worth of being a mom. All the things my heart desires. Some days I believe it and others I have to tell Satan to politely SHUT UP. I like your idea of worth-it Wednesdays. :)
Valerie - I so know those lies. I heard them SO MANY TIMES. And it's so interesting to me that now that I AM married, he still yells them. Except this time they say I'm not good enough to have warranted the one I got! So rude.
Bekkah, I have tears in my eyes and rolling over my cheeks as I read this tonight. Bringing back memories of conversations with my husband many years ago. I still have those days of feeling unworthy, unlovable, not good enough for whatever best fits in the blank at the time... The list goes on infinitely.
Be encouraged that I have fewer of those days and I believe and claim in Jesus' name that you will also! A big "Ah Ha" moment was when I CHOSE TO RECEIVE THAT "HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR ME" (2 Cor. 12:9.) Gotta go back to that ice cream thing...His grace fills in the cracks for all that I am not, so that His power may be made perfect in my weakness.
Prayers for you, my friend, who I have not met in the flesh!
Thank you for being vulnerable. God is using you in your weakness to reach out and be real with others!
P.S. I'm not a writer, so I probably have the period and the parentheses rule all wrong above! ;)
I'm in too! 19 years I've listened to my husband tell me I'm beautiful and I still can't believe it for myself. It's time. I'm a passenger on the journey here. I want to believe it but just can't.
Renee - thanks for continually bringing your analogy back to me - I love it so much and I appreciate so much your encouragement!! No writing judgment here ever (I make my own fair share of typos, so it's okay!) - I appreciate you being vulnerable with me too!!
Anonymous - My heart is breaking for you for so many years of struggling to believe what he tells you is true. What a wonderful thing that he's been faithful to continue to feed your soul even in your struggle! Please be a Worth it Wednesday passenger with us - perhaps God will use it to work a great thing in your heart!!
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