Road Trip Date

I told you yesterday that we were both struggling in our hearts. I'd never done a long-distance relationship before and I don't know if he had either, but it certainly presented a number of challenges. It was hard to develop a sense of normalcy when the only time we could spend time together had to be outside our normal worlds. I craved being able to be in his world - even for a little bit. I appreciated the opportunities to meet for dinner or to spend time at Nate's and in so doing, be able to spend time together, but it wasn't real, you know? Sometimes I felt like I was on my own version of The Bachelor. (Minus the 25 other women. And the limos. And the smut. Okay so it really wasn't anything like The Bachelor.)

In an attempt to see what it would be like to have some normalcy, I asked Isaac if he wanted me to come visit the weekend after Easter. I knew he only had two weekends left before he moved, and I really wanted to see where he lived and worked before he left. And I sensed that as much as I wanted to do so, being there the very last week wouldn’t be the best plan. So we talked about it, and he said he'd see if it would work. (Since he was getting ready to move, people were trying to arrange times with him in his last days there, and he needed to make sure he wasn't already supposed to be somewhere with someone that weekend.)

The next day, as I waited for him to figure out if this trip was a yes or a no, God really began to work in my heart concerning Isaac. Really began to prompt (and I had no idea how many weeks this prompting would take before it took) me to let go of my desire to control the relationship – and him.

I said in my journal, I feel like I need to really reconnect with You. I feel so anxious in my spirit to be with him – to speed things up so we can be together. Like Kari said the other day…I need to focus on the fact that now I have a name to put with the dream – and not wish away this time so much.

I’m so grateful for the talk we had tonight about things of You. I loved sharing openly and I know he really will give thought to what I say. Please move in his heart. Guide him.
Lord, please lead us.
This next part is not something I'm proud of, but it shows how disconnected from the Lord I really was, and perhaps reveals why God chose the path He did for my immediate future. I wrote, Jesus, I am struggling. Help me.

And though I cried out for His help, that was the last word I spoke to Him in my prayer journal for five days. Terrible.

It turned out that I did get to visit him that weekend, so Friday morning, I loaded up the car, and the moment the clock struck noon, I shut down my computer, locked my office, and hit the open road. Remember my disdain of driving? I hopped on that interstate with barely a second thought, drove around the entire metropolis of Indianapolis and then headed the rest of the way (about another three hours beyond that) with only a set of printed directions from my email inbox. No map. No GPS. Just some emailed instructions and my phone in case I got lost.

Our Bekah is growing up!

I rolled into town right around 5 p.m. and drove up to Isaac's apartment. He met me at the car with a hug and helped me carry in some bags. I gave him a way-early-birthday gift: the scrapbook I'd been making of our dates together. NO it was not like the one in How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, although later I sort of felt like it might have appeared that way. Even so, he loved it. He gave me a tour of his apartment and we talked for a long, long time.

Eventually we got in his SUV and headed out of town to dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse. Then he took me to his favorite Christian bookstore and we did some shopping. He bought me Francis Chan’s book Crazy Love, because we were going to start reading it in our Sunday School class.
We went home to his apartment, watched a movie and late that evening, he drove with me just outside town to the Motel 6 where I agreed to stay. I don’t love a Motel 6, but he was worried about the amount of money I was spending on this adventure and I knew I’d only be at the hotel long enough to sleep, so I agreed to go low-end. It turned out to be quite the adventure, later in the weekend.

I awakened super early Saturday morning (which may be the only time you ever see that in print) and beelined it out of the bed (did I mention the bedspread had the actual Motel 6 insignia on it?), threw everything in the car, since I was NOT trusting the Motel 6 with my worldly goods for a whole day, and sped to Isaac's to see him.

We spent the morning hanging out at his apartment. I got ready while he went for boxes to continue his packing. He took me on a brief tour of town, and then he surprised me by taking me to a Japanese restaurant. It was the kind of restaurant where you sit around a grill with a bunch of other people and they cook for you right there. I loved it. I'd never seen anything like it before.

He drove me all around the area – showing me places he knew I’d love…and he told me later that drive was his favorite part of the day.

When we got home, we talked, dreamed, watched movies, and loved life. That evening we brought home some Papa Johns and some moose tracks ice cream and had a picnic on the living room floor. I hated going back to the motel. Hated it. But he was nice enough to take me back so I didn’t have to go in alone.

Sunday morning, I awakened early, texted him (which actually woke him up…he had overslept) and proceeded to get ready. You might remember this next part of the story because I think I wrote about it before, but it's too good to leave out! I plugged in my flat iron in the bathroom and was working on ironing my shirt when I smelled something odd. I sniffed around and traced the odd aroma to the bathroom – where thick black smoke was billowing out of my flat iron. Not good. Not wanting to set off the sprinklers in the place and thus ostracize myself from every other occupant, I ripped the cord out of the wall and waved ferociously. I didn’t want to put the iron in the trash can and catch it on fire, but neither did I want the housekeepers to think they’d stumbled upon a forgotten treasure, so I left a note on the iron marking it trash and hoped my hair was straight enough for the day.

I checked out of the motel, found a gas station, loaded up on coffee and a donut, and headed back to a park Isaac had taken me to the day before. I sat under a tree and ate while I texted him. I visited his church that morning and then went back to his apartment, where we ate leftovers for lunch and spent the afternoon watching movies, and having a couple of intense, but necessary talks.

Mid-afternoon, it was time for me to go so I could still get home at a decent hour. Leaving was hard. I knew I’d get to see him in four days, which helped, but I still hated going – especially knowing I wouldn’t be coming back to that place, ever. I had to stop at the gas station on my way out of town to fill up and even while I pumped gas, Isaac texted, “ I miss you. I love you.” I wanted to turn that car around and go right back, but I knew I couldn’t.

I cried all the way home – first on the phone to Mom and then to each of my sisters. This was becoming a draining thing – this leaving. And yet, I loved the part before the leaving enough to put up with it.

Tender Scriptures and Lessons

Hopefully those of you in need of picture posts are satisfied...between the retreat recap and the pictures of the book signing. Now I have to tend to the desert-reading crowd.

Before I continue, I need to say this. I have wrestled back and forth about whether or not to put this bit of information in here right now, but I'm choosing to include it. My reasons for doing so are many and maybe someday I'll post why. You need to know that in present day life, Isaac and I are not together. The journey is no less valid and certainly no less real because of it, but it's important to me that you know it at this point. I hope you'll keep reading anyway, because the whole point of this story is not supposed to be about Isaac and me anyway. It's supposed to be about what I learned in my desert.

In case you've forgotten, the last part of the story you read was when Isaac and I had a date at Nate's. Something you may not remember (because I haven't mentioned it for a while) is that Isaac was right in the middle of a big life/job change. At this point in telling you the story, he was about three weeks away from his last day at his job - and from moving, as well. Obviously events of that magnitude create all sorts of emotions within a person...

...Emotions that I can't understand because I've never experienced something just like that before. I tried my best to use my imagination and feel what he was feeling, but I couldn't quite grasp it.

What I did begin to grasp in the two weeks that followed that date, was just the beginning of something God was about to unleash in my life: the soothing teaching of Scripture and the personal distribution of lessons from His Hand to my heart.

The first instance came in our Sunday School class. I don't remember what we studied that day, but we talked about these two verses... John 15:7-8: “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given to you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”

The word remain appears NINE times in that section of John 15. NINE. If God mentions something NINE times, chances are good He wants you to notice it. I took a pencil and underlined each appearance of the word remain in my new Bible. And since the Bible I'd chosen to purchase was a key word study Bible, I took the opportunity to look up the word remain in the lexical aids in the back just to see what it meant.

I found this: to abide, dwell, endure, last, persevere, stand firm, wait for, hold out, be patient. I had no idea in that moment, God was about to teach me, hands-on, what it meant to remain in Him. In that moment, I was much more interested in the part of the verse that said I could ask whatever I wished and it would be given to me. I had a list.

Later that week, I struggled heavily with what to do in this relationship. I was here and he was there. I was dealing with a significant family situation, and Isaac was dealing with his pending move. Our relationship was brand new and neither of us knew quite how to be what the other needed. And as I sorted through it all, I happened to think of this verse that I learned many years ago: "...I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." - 2 Timothy 1:12

When I was growing up, one of my pastors was a loving man named Fred Littlefield. I was in upper elementary/lower junior high when he and his sweet wife, Naomi, were at our church, but I have never forgotten this one thing he said in a sermon: If we deposit Scripture in our memory bank, God will withdraw it at just the right time. And when that verse from 2 Timothy popped in my mind, I remembered Fred's words, too, and knew they were very true. I was thankful I'd taken time to commit that verse to memory earlier in my life so it could come back to me that day when I needed the reminder of His sovereignty.

The Saturday before Easter started out with a very sweet prayer time with the Lord in the early (well…for me…) morning. I wasn’t used to beginning a day with prayer and had no idea that in the days to come, such prayers would be so necessary to even get out of bed. I journaled as I sat in bed: Teach me, Lord. I can’t sleep. I’m waiting for my good morning call, and I’m having a very precious time of hearing Your voice speak to me. Like Isaac and I talked about, our job is to complement each other. Your job is to complete us. Help me to release my Isaac to you. He’s not mine. He’s a gift from You. Help me to release control of him to You. You see what I need in my heart and life. Compel his heart to be that for me. Teach him to lead. Teach him to trust. Teach him to comfort me. And teach me to let go.
I had no idea in the world what I asked for either one of us with that prayer. And honestly, had I known, I never would have prayed it. The beauty of God’s mystery.

Later that day, I had this experience, which I blogged about back at the time, but I want to mention it again, because it came to be significant in the desert.

Today I came home from helping decorate the church for Easter, and I laid down on the bed, my heart vacillating between fear and peace. I didn't even say words out loud...I just asked God in a heart-whisper to please teach me. Please speak to me. Please show me how to gain victory in this situation.

And He did.

He reminded me of something I heard long ago and had completely forgotten about until I asked for help today. I don't know if someone told me this or if I read it somewhere, but I remember learning that someone struggling with fear and control learned to open her hand. Physically open her hand until her palm was flat toward the sky and her fingers spread wide. And in that physical act of opening her hand, she learned to let go. Let go of the fear. Let go of the control. Let go of whatever consumed her. It reminded her of Who really is in control.

And so, stretched out on my bed, I uncurled my hand and spread my palm wide toward Heaven. And I knew He had everything in His hand...and was much more able to work with me now that I'm not trying to run the show.
I loved those visual lessons. I needed them. And I was about to get more.

Easter Sunday night, Isaac called to say he wasn't feeling well at all. I hated being so far away when he felt sick. I wanted to be there, with him, to take care of him, but the geographical distance separating us made that impossible. Instead, I wrote in my journal the only thing I knew to do...I’m praying Ephesians 3:14-16 over him right now – “For this reason I kneel before the Father from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being.” Jesus, strengthen him. Hold him now. Hold me. Show me how to love him.

Book Signing!

Just a note...I had my first book signing today! Details here. Check it out!

A Present Day Interruption

The peril of writing about the desert journey is that it cuts into the present day! For the sake of those of you emailing me in impatience to read more "chapters," I really don't want to interrupt...but for the sake of you sick and tired of the long writing posts and no pictures...I wanted to offer a break. So this is a long post of....my retreat this week!

About five years ago, I was part of a ladies' Bible study that went through the book Every Woman's Battle. One of the suggestions the author made was that every woman, regardless of age, financial situation, marital status, or number of children, should take a spiritual retreat every year. So for the fourth year in a row, I packed up my car and headed out for an over-nighter with the Lord.

I headed north - almost to the Michigan state line. I'd carefully planned out the timing of this trip to arrive at the Bed & Breakfast (my first time ever to stay in one!) right at check-in time.

What I did not plan was this bad boy.


(Someone pointed out to me it looks like he's hovering. LOL! Trust me - it felt like we were hovering!) I was first in line behind him for six miles. Six miles going....

Yes. Twelve to fourteen miles an hour. (Please make a note that my water gauge did not overheat this time.)

My lunch destination was on the other side of the six miles. So you can imagine my amusement at this sight:

I'm trying, I'm trying! But at long last...grilled chicken wraps. Oh how I love you.

Got about a mile down the road and guess what?

Funniest part was - it wasn't a train. It was a parade of these little cars. Two went by, and then the bars went up, and I heard frantic honking. Looked over and one more little car was scooting down the track. So everyone stopped, let him go by (which made the bars go back down...). At least I had food to keep me occupied. I sure did hope this was not a sign of the patience lessons to be learned on this retreat!!

Despite the delays, I arrived at the McKenzie House Bed & Breakfast almost right on schedule. I found this place in an online search of B&B's and picked it based on location (I was familiar with the area), cuteness (you'll see in a second), and the fact that it had a darling carriage house (you'll see that in a second too). But it became pretty clear pretty quickly that this choice wasn't nearly as random as I thought.

This B&B was a gorgeous huge yellow house with a long front porch complete with rocking chairs, but also on the property was this darling thing. A carriage house! I decided it would afford me the perfect amount of privacy for my retreat, so I booked my room in this one. I had the whole upstairs - right there behind the window boxes! (There was another suite downstairs, so I had neighbors, but I still felt like I was all on my own.)

The silo holds the spiral staircase that leads up to the suite where I stayed. (I am such a sucker for cute things. I may be the only person persuaded to rent a room based on spiral stairs in a cute silo.)

Another selling point for me was that I'd have my own private deck. Given that so many of my amazing moments of hearing the Lord throughout the past few months have come while spending time outside, I wanted to have a place I could sit and listen - without the worry of interruption.

This was my view from my deck. That's the side of the main house in the back. The whole top floor is a suite and there are two (I think) other suites on the second floor.

My gorgeous deck. I sat in one of those chairs and propped my feet up on the bench and drank coffee (see it there waiting on me?) and listened. Heavenly.

I stayed in the Courtney suite. I don't know Courtney. But she's on a perpetual honeymoon, because that was the suite I was in!! (And NO!!!!! all you Isaac story readers, I was NOT on my honeymoon. I did NOT elope. I did NOT get married. I am NOT engaged.)

Um, did I mention that there was a really cute spiral staircase in a silo that led up to Courtney's honeymoon suite? This is it! The innkeeper told us at breakfast that the man who owned the B&B before them built this himself. He loved woodwork and you can definitely tell in all the amazing touches!

Another reason I picked this particular suite was because it had a kitchen. I don't leave when I go away on these retreats, and I wanted the freedom to cook if I so desired. It was fully stocked with dishes, silverware, water bottles in the fridge, coffee/creamer/sugar/coffee pot, and other cooking dishes in the cabinets. Sweet!!

DARLING kitchen. This was the other end of it. The window looked out over some trees - so relaxing.

The kitchen table - those are "His and Hers" mugs there on the table. I elected to not use them. But the table was not only a perfect place to eat, but to study as well.

This cute little chair was in the corner - I bet that guy built it!

The dresser - stocked with tons of candles - which I took full advantage of later! I love candles!

This couch was AMAZINGLY comfortable. I just kind of sunk into it. Loved the fluffy pillows and the blankets. I took a long nap right there!

These little ottomans were perfect for perching my books and laptop while I studied! And though I didn't really need them, the room also had a TV (with tons of channels!) and a DVD player and a CD player. The main house had a room with literally dozens of movies to choose from and a music library too - and the innkeeper said I was free to take any of them back to my room if I wanted. Isn't that great!?

Yeah, this is my king-sized bed. Pillow top mattress. Down comforter. And oh - did you see the steps? STEPS!! I'd never before had to have steps to get into a bed!! (Bunk bed in college excluded of course.)

Down pillows too - I think I forgot to mention that.

Normally on these retreats, I do some hard-core studying and praying and learning. And while I did study, and pray and learn this time, I did a lot of this. I felt guilty about it later, but God reminded me that the last four months of my life have been hard core...and I needed this respite.

One of the perks of living in the honeymoon suite was the abundance of candles. I loved lighting them and enjoying the ambiance....

Even lit some at the table while I studied. I'm such a sap.

This was the guest book for my suite. I thought the cover was pretty appropriate for a girl who has been living in a desert and found herself in need of a spiritual retreating place. I read through all the entries while I ate my dinner and loved reading about the others who had stayed there. Some had come for their honeymoons, but some, like me, just needed a life-break. (This was also when I learned I had great things in store come breakfast time!)

And I felt a lot of this while I was there...God was so good to meet me and to soothe my exhausted heart.

When I first arrived, I enjoyed getting to know Sherry, the wife-half of the innkeepers. She showed me around my room and then showed me around the common areas of the main house. (HUGE basement with a Wii, books, games, movies, and music...the heated pool...the hot tub...the dining room with coffee for any moment of any day.) I took immediate advantage of the coffee and just spent some time relaxing. (That was right before the nap.)

Then I went outside to sit on the porch and listen...and journal. See me?

Then I came back inside and started writing up a storm. I believe it was at this point I was studying Psalm 63 - great Psalm!

Then I relocated and started tearing apart Psalm 71. Loved reading words I so could have written...

Then there was one of these...and this is the only picture you'll see of THAT.

And then I got in bed to do more studying. Two funny things that happened - these are the sorts of things that I've learned to chalk up to God.

First, the place had wi-fi, according to the web, but when I tried to get online in the early evening, I couldn't, because I didn't have the code. So I tried to make a call to get it from Sherry, but I couldn't get my call to go through. I decided at that point, God did NOT want me to get online - He wanted me to stay on task.

Then, later that night, I turned on the TV and was winding down to some TV Land, when the electricity went out. And it stayed out until 1 in the morning. Apparently I needed to be praying and sleeping, not watching TV. (My apologies to the greater population of Middlebury and Shipshewana who had to suffer without power as well!)

Thankfully I'd had this little snack before the power outage hit...

That bed was comfy. No two ways about it. And I woke up to fluffy comforters and gorgeous sun!

Remember the breakfast I knew would be great? I made my way over for that meal and here's what she served: muffins, banana bread, ham, scrambled eggs, a hash brown potato dish, fresh fruit/yogurt/granola, coffee, juice, milk, and water! No, I did not eat it all. But that sweet lady can COOK. My word!

I enjoyed meeting the two other couples who were staying the same night - and I enjoyed hearing a little more of Bruce and Sherry's story! After breakfast I came back over to my suite and did more reading and journaling before I had to check out.

When I went to turn in my key, I started talking to Bruce, the husband-half of the innkeepers, and we talked about how I'm a writer. He started telling me his God-story and I shook my head in amazement at the specific things the Lord had done in his life. I told him I'd come there to get away and retreat with the Lord. I also told him the night before I came, I prayed specifically that God would go ahead of me and fill my room and be waiting for me when I got there. He said that he and Sherry wanted to have B&B so people could retreat and heal from the hurts of life. Y'all, of all the hundreds of B&Bs in the state of Indiana, it was not a coincidence that I chose this one. I had no idea the owners were believers and that this was a place of retreating and healing.

But God knew.

I love Him so for that.

God met me so completely - and allowed me to feel the start of a deep heart healing while I was there. I loved that place more than any other place I've ever stayed (well it ranks beside the scrapbooking place, I'll say) and I will absolutely be going back at the next available opportunity.

And if you're in the Indiana/Michigan area and need a good B&B, I highly, highly, highly recommend this place. (I started passing out their cards at work, even!) You will be pampered and loved and well-fed, and best of all, God is there.

Date at Nate's

Thursday morning finally dawned. Couldn’t wait to be at the end of the day – with my handsome Isaac.

Approximately two billion hours later, it was 5:00 and I could pack myself into my car and zoom down the interstate (again) to meet him in the Olive Garden parking lot. We had a torrential downpour right about that time, and I actually made it to the destination first. I navigated my car into the same parking place I'd used the week before (OCD!!) and called him to let him know I'd arrived. He said he wasn't far away, so I hung up. Just moments later, I heard sirens and tried not to panic…

He called me back. Whew. He’d encountered an accident, and while he’d not been in it, he was slowed down by it. It was killing me to know he was just on the other side of the hill from me and yet couldn’t get there any faster. I turned off the car and watched the rain pelt the window while I tapped my foot somewhat impatiently. (Not at him, of course…just at the situation in general.)

When I saw his SUV speed down the access road toward me, my heart beat at a ridiculous pace. He pulled up next to me, unlocked his doors, and I bolted from my car into his. I slammed straight into him, caught up in his bear hug. He smelled so good and I loved feeling his arms holding me.

We learned at this point that we're not great at making decisions about where to eat. We thought about just trying good old Olive Garden again, but decided to head over to McAllister’s instead. Ahhhhh sweet tea. Please let the record show I ate nearly half my dinner that night, thankyouverymuch.

Just as we'd done the week before, we perused the bookstore nearby after we ate our dinner. When we tired of looking at books, we went back to the Olive Garden parking lot, evidently a place of great intimacy for us, and began to talk while rain continued to pour. I scurried over to my trunk and grabbed his Easter basket for him so he could open it without the audience of family. He was very surprised (he’d known a present was coming…just not what) – and happy to see pictures of me, lots of candy, and the smiley face eggs. I'd decided upon filling them with Bible verses I'd been specifically praying over his life - along with a little note elaborating on those prayers. He sat in amazement as he opened egg after egg. I didn’t know quite what he thought – it was hard to read his expression.

If I could have bottled up his reaction, though, I would have. It was priceless. Once I realized he liked it, I decided I’d never seen anyone so moved.

Words seemed inadequate after that, so we sat in silence, watching the rain, and I was lost in worry that he would think I was fat. (Such a girl!) Out of nowhere, I heard his soft voice, “I do love you.” I jerked my head and said, “WHAT???” He said, “I do love you.”

Tears filled my eyes and again, I crushed him in a hug. I squeezed him so tightly and repeated the words over and over and over to him .

He told me later he never meant to say it that soon – it just came out. But I knew God was all over orchestrating that. It was the 25th. The day I needed to have redeemed from the memories it had contained with my first boyfriend. The memory of our anniversary. It was indeed the perfect day for that declaration.

Finally we separated to our own cars and drove to Nate's house. We spent the rest of the evening watching basketball with Nate and his wife (March Madness, you know), and then Isaac and I stayed up talking until the wee hours of the morning.

I journaled, Oh how You redeemed this day for me! 

Streams describes it pretty perfectly: “Psalm 107 is filled with stories of God’s lavish love. In every story of deliverance, it was humankind coming to the point of desperation that gave God His opportunity to act. Arriving at their wits end of desperation was the beginning of God’s power.” For a decade, the 25th has haunted me. And in the 11th year – which felt like the 11th hour – You redeemed.

He told me he loves me. He said those words. On this day. And I cried and he couldn’t even know why. He has no idea. No clue the pivotal day he chose to tell me.

God, did you see how he loved the Easter basket? I’ve never seen anybody so moved before. I loved the look in his eyes that went past words.

The next day was one of those beautifully, perfectly lazy, wonderful days. I was so glad I'd taken the day off work. We hung around Nate's house house all morning, watching movies and talking. Eventually we got ready and headed to Skyline Chili for lunch - and may I just say - I loved it that he loves Skyline? We came back, resumed a rigorous schedule of movie watching alternated with hours of talking, and decided that we were, in fact, in love. How crazy was that?

In an effort to be social, we had dinner with Nate and his wife, and during dinner, some of her family came over to watch the next March Madness game. Since the house was filling up with noise and people, we excused ourselves and went out to Dairy Queen for ice cream. That was a fun date that I really appreciated. I loved it that he wanted to steal me away for more alone time even after we’d spent the entire day together.

We rejoined the family just before the big game started, and they wanted to play Rock Band. Isaac even sang to me – though he’d told me he wasn’t a singer. I blushed when he said before one of the songs, “I’m sending this out to the pretty lady on the couch.” I loved being the pretty lady! After the game, everyone else hung out together and we hid upstairs for many more hours of talking and dreaming about the future.

I could barely keep up with the journaling, but I wrote, What a beautiful day today was. The hours of talking, dreaming, encouraging, working through real life drama…how much I loved it.

I dreaded Saturday. I figured we'd have a good chunk of the day to spend together, but I also knew that night...I'd be going home. We stayed close to Nate's that day, aware that our time together was very short. One of the things I loved most was that we had real life that day. It wasn't about dating. It was about just being together even in mundane moments. I helped him fold laundry and we talked together about a scripture passage he was studying.

Romans 5: 3-5: “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us.” I would come back to that passage over and over in the weeks to come. I just didn't know it yet.

Evening came and we had to pack and leave. We were not even a mile down the road, and I was following his SUV, when he called and said it didn’t feel right to not have me in the passenger seat beside him. I tried to choke back the tears. I never again wanted to be out of that passenger seat! We drove to a CVS parking lot, left my car, and went to Taco Bell for dinner. And then we began the goodbye. A goodbye like the CVS parking lot has never seen. EVER.

Oh people. You have not seen such tears since...well...you just haven't seen such tears. I did not mean to...I did not want to...but I also could not help it. I could not imagine going home without him. I didn't want to leave. I wasn't sure when I'd be seeing him next, and I just...I loved him so. He was so incredibly patient and gentle with me - and when I finally composed myself enough to drive, we pulled out onto the road. I was in the right turn lane, and he was in the left one...and I dared to glance over, even though I knew it would mean a fresh round of tears.

He was signing I love you.

When I arrived home that evening, I was shocked to enter my house and for the first time ever, in my entire life, not feel at home. It wasn’t home because Isaac wasn’t there. Never mind he’d never been to my house. He just should have been there in that moment, and he wasn’t. And I didn’t know what to do.

My computer was broken (stupid cord!), so I couldn't even get online to occupy my time. Not knowing what else to do, I pulled out the journal and wrote, Saying goodbye was so hard. I fell apart multiple times. It helps to know he does love me and wants me. But my house is so lonely. I’ve never felt lonely here until I walked in tonight.

Jesus, my heart overflows with joy…and yet I’m so lonely. My love is not here with me and it’s just so quiet. Help me to cling to You while I’m here. My computer is down…evidently Ronda, Mom, and Isaac are all busy, and I’m just here with my thoughts. Oh Jesus, help me.

I loved the intimacy of the day. It’s time. Time to begin the new life You have for me. And I feel he is the one You have chosen to be an instrument to show redemption.

Lots of EEEEEEEE!!!!

While God was busy getting started on what was to become a long-haul preparation of my heart, I was getting started on some short term preparation for the date-at-Nate's.

In very exciting news, our date had been moved up by an entire day. We'd planned to meet Friday evening after work, and then part ways Saturday evening. But he was able to take Friday off work, which meant he could be at Nate's Thursday night. He asked if I was free that evening. Well why confine it to an evening? I sent a vacation day request to my supervisor on the spot and also found myself with a whole extra day to spend with Isaac and the family. (Okay mostly Isaac.)

One night in the week between the dates, we were talking on the phone and in casual conversation, Isaac mentioned he'd told someone about his girlfriend. I froze.

He said GIRLFRIEND!!! I wondered if he knew he said it.

Only one way to find out.

I asked.

Turns out, yes he sure did know it.

More journaling! Guess what! Isaac called me his girlfriend! We were talking on the phone and he just mentioned it – and I asked him if he knew what he said and he said YES! EEEEEE! How happy am I? I know, I know. I'm so twelve. But you have to understand it had been ELEVEN YEARS since I'd been a girlfriend, and I sorely missed it.

If you don't know this about me...let me tell you. I love giving gifts. Love it. Love planning out things to give that will bring joy to people's hearts. Since Easter was just a couple of weeks away, I decided to surprise Isaac with an Easter basket. I drove to WalMart and for the first time in a lifetime, enjoyed the trip, because I pushed around that little blue cart and picked out all sorts of things to make him smile.

I chose a Cars bucket because he loves that movie – and blue grass because he loves blue and tons of candy! I also bought some little eggs with smiley faces on them and determined I would think of something extra thoughtful to put inside.

Woke up the next morning and wrote, Won’t lie. Loved waking up a girlfriend.

One day that week, he sent me a text that said, “I love praying for you.” And I loved hearing that he did.

At lunch time that day I made my way to the local Christian bookstore to purchase a new Bible. It was a tax refund treat, but it was also something I wanted to do to celebrate a new season of life. I once read that Billy Graham got a new Bible every year – to chronicle his path with the Lord year by year. Well, I can’t quite afford that, for one thing, and for another, I like to live in my Bibles a bit longer than that. But I do like to get new ones when I have major life changes, and this was a major life change. I told Isaac what I was doing and why, and he so loved the idea, he said he would get a new one too. I blushed with joy just at the very thought that he loved my idea.

The day before I left to go to Nate's, I found mail in my mailbox. Not junk. Not a bill. REAL MAIL. From Isaac. He sent me a card. Wrote me a note inside. I jumped up and down in the kitchen and screamed so loudly, the cats scattered. (Note - only two cats. Not the crazy cat lady.)

That night was a busy night jammed with working out, going to church, baking brownies, and packing to be gone immediately after work the next day! But I loved the text he sneaked in to me – “I want the pretty girl with the hazel eyes and pretty smile. Named Bekah.”

And before I drifted off to sleep, I wrote, I can’t even believe that at this time tomorrow (if all goes as planned) – I will be with him. Oh God – thank You for who You made him to be. He wrote me a card and I loved it that he said he was praying for direction over us. I loved it that he prayed for me today when I was so nervous about speaking in that class.

Streams says, “Jesus desires that we would be very specific in our requests, asking for something definite…Make your requests earnestly and specifically if you desire definite answers…Dare to be specific with God.” Jesus, as Isaac and I look ahead to our individual futures and our potential combined future, can you help us be bold enough to be specific?

And teach me, God, how to care for him in a way he understands. Teach me to watch over his heart. Teach me to protect him. Teach me to complement him.

Up and Down

Well, Tsofah's getting impatient and we can't have that. :) I never intended to take this long to get around to sharing the desert itself, but you have to understand this part to understand the depth of the desert. You just do.

I went through the journals to see what to share about today and I found myself duly convicted by the words that were pouring through my life in the week I'm about to share with you. I think that means I didn't learn the lessons the first time. Hopefully I do better this time.

All these things took place in the week between our surprise first date and our regularly scheduled date at Nate's house.

Because Isaac was meeting up with his family at the time of our first date (EEEEE!!! again), I didn't get to hear much from him in the next couple of days. Don't misunderstand me. He texted and he did talk to me. (Want to hear one of the things he texted me? “Have I told you that you are beautiful and lovely?” EEEE!) We just didn't get to talk as much as we liked. And if you're "such a girl" like I am, you know why that's a difficult thing. The joy and exuberance of the first date...followed by little chance to talk. Actually, in my case, it was being "such a girl" coupled with crippling fear.

Remember when I told you about the night when I thought he'd died in his bed on vacation? Well, out of self-preservation, I didn't share about three or four other times in the span up until now when I was gasping for breath, just sure something horrible had happened. It wasn't Isaac's fault. It was my fault. I've struggled with - not kidding...crippling - fear since I was a kid. The reasons for the fear rotate in and out, but the fear itself stays. And at this point, it manifested itself in the fear that God would take Isaac right out of my life.

Anytime I'd go several hours without hearing from him, I'd start to panic. Car accident? Sickness? Kidnapping? (Okay so I do watch too many Lifetime movies.)

Here are some of the things I wrote to the Lord in the span of that week: So hard to not let old lies of Satan crop up and haunt...I'm so scared to hope...You're going to have to help me with that...What a beautiful time of prayer I had with You today. It hurt so much to cry and not be able to breathe and to be overrun with fear – but at the same time, I know the time spent with You was so good for me. So necessary.

In a Divinely ordained moment, that very day...the day I was crying out in fear that something had happened to him...these were the words that came from the pages of Streams in the Desert:
“Many hours of waiting were necessary to enrich David’s harp with song. And hours of waiting in the wilderness will provide us with psalms of thanksgiving and the sound of singing…What was the preparation for Jesse’s son, David, to compose songs unlike any others ever heard before on earth? It was the sinful persecution he endured at the hands of the wicked that brought forth his cries for God’s help. Then David’s faint hope in God’s goodness blossomed into full songs of rejoicing, declaring the Lord’s mighty deliverances and multiplied mercies.”

The words wilderness and waiting were about to become very familiar in my life, and I had no clue. That's why I find it so interesting that my response to that excerpt was: There are more struggles ahead, I know, as I walk through moments of uncertainty and doubt. Be patient with me, Holy Father.

Another night, I wrote, Today has been hard. It is so hard to do this over the phone – and yet I love it that he does allow me to be part of his world. I love how he shares his heart. It must be so hard. God, please protect and guide my heart. Help me not to be a Bekah. Help me to focus on how I can serve and be a help. It’s getting harder and harder to not tell him I love him. But I know I do love him.

I read these two pieces of Streams in the Desert, and honestly, today, these are the two that make me wince the most because I need them again right now.

“Praying through something might be defined as follows: Praying your way into full faith; coming to the point of assurance, while still praying, that your prayer has been accepted and heard; and in advance of the event, with confident anticipation, actually becoming aware of having received what you ask.” Oh Jesus, keep me faithful to petition You!

“When God delays, He is not inactive. This is when He prepares His instruments and matures our strength. Then at the appointed time, we will rise up and be equal to our task…God is never in a hurry. He spends years preparing those He plans to greatly use, and never thinks of the days of preparation as being too long or boring…Never run impulsively ahead of the Lord.” Oh Jesus, You have proved to me that You use those long moments for Your purpose.

And these last two thoughts that I wrote in my journal during that week of waiting...

It’s so hard to be apart from him, God, and yet I cherish the way these struggles drive me to Your arms. This time has a plan too. A purpose. And I don’t want to miss that in my haste to be with him.

Help me to trust You.

Oh Bekah...what are you asking?

March 18th

No, you haven't accidentally gotten into the archives. March 18th is the day I'm fixin' to write about. And some of you are going to be very happy to read this post.

As you might remember, our conversation the night before had been deeply heavy. And though I felt better in the morning, I needed the reassurance of his voice. So...I called him first thing - before I even got out of bed. The problem was, we were so great at talking, that we just kept talking...and talking...and talking. Next thing I knew, it was 7:30, and I had to go to work. At that point I declared I had to get up. Had to. The hair day, I knew, was already a complete loss, and truthfully, I would have rather skipped the whole thing and stayed home talking to him. But I was raised with a good work ethic, so I reluctantly said goodbye and scurried into the bathroom to try to salvage some sort of look for the day.

Not four minutes after we stopped talking, he texted… “I’m already looking forward to talking to you again!” Yes, I loved that boy.

I went to work and stayed busy doing all the normal stuff that morning, because that afternoon was scheduled to be packed with meetings. You should I know I also loathe meetings. If I ran the office, we would never have a meeting. Ever. Just as I was leaving my desk to go into the first meeting of the afternoon, Isaac texted to see if I could call him when I had a chance. My heart began to pound. Something had to be wrong. He knew I couldn’t make personal calls at work, and if he was asking me to call…something must be dreadfully wrong. Needless to say, I comprehended very little of the meeting as I theorized no less than a hundred things that could be so wrong.

The minute the meeting ended, I beelined it to my office to text him. I couldn’t call, since staff meeting was about to begin, but I had to know what was going on. I asked if everything was okay, and he texted back, “Oh yes. Just wanted to see if you’d be able to meet me for supper tonight.”

I nearly dropped the phone on the floor. I actually may have screamed right there in my office. I literally stuttered back a response of “Yes! How…Why??...I have to go to staff meeting but I’ll call you as soon as I get out.” I was visibly shaking as I walked into staff meeting and mouthed to my boss, “I have a date TONIGHT!” (Please let the record show this was still over a week earlier than our scheduled date at Nate's house.)

Staff meeting was mercifully short and the moment it was over, I scrambled into the hall to call Isaac . He told me a family friend had passed away out of state and he and his parents were meeting up at Nate's that evening to travel to the funeral the following day. He could come early enough to meet me if I’d be able to go on a date.

How much did I regret not doing my hair that day!?!? But of course I said yes. My boss offered to let me go early (because she understands the importance of the romantic heart), but I felt guilty leaving work to prepare for a date, so I stayed. Didn’t really accomplish any work, but I stayed.

After work I scurried home to redo my makeup - or was it do my makeup, since I hadn't really had time to do much with it that morning? Again, I tried to salvage the by-now-sadly-product-laden-hair. And then there was the issue of finding a cute outfit. March 18th in Indiana is an unfortunate gamble of choosing between winter clothes (which by this time I was sorely tired of seeing) and summer clothes, (which are not only too lightweight, but are also pitifully wrinkled from months of being squished in storage.) I had little time to figure this out, so I settled on a red t-shirt with blue flip flops on them, my cute new jeans, and red ballet slipper shoes. The red t-shirt was on top of the storage stack and could be easily ironed, and red is my power color, so I would be less likely to stress about the hair if I wore it. The jeans were just cute - no two ways about it. And the ballet slippers would ensure that I was the appropriate amount of SHORT next to him.

I got in the car and for the second time in four days, made my way down the interstate. (Remember my disdain for the interstate?) We’d decided to meet at an Olive Garden about an hour from my house.

I called my friend Ronda on the drive down and squealed in her ear. Over and over I yelled “I can’t believe this! Oh my word!” She just laughed at my silliness and kept me from passing out as I hurried toward Olive Garden.

Isaac miscalculated the amount of time it would take him to get there and he actually arrived about ten or fifteen minutes before I did. He put in our names and waited inside for me to arrive. My heart pounded as I parked and walked toward the building. I was about to see the man I knew I loved. The man I knew I wanted to marry! Would he look like his pictures? Would he like me?

I remember looking up while still several hundred feet away and seeing a tall man hesitantly walk outside and toward me. He waved and I waved in return. We’d previously discussed the hug vs. handshake issue and had agreed we were hugging people. I hurried toward him and we crashed into each other in a somewhat awkward hug. He was sure tall! I wondered what the people inside thought as they looked outside. Did they know this was the first meeting of two soulmates? Did they know how pivotal this day? The unexpected blessing of this day?

We laughed nervously, went inside, found ourselves led toward a booth, and were seated across from each other. He ate lasagna and I choked down half a breadstick and a few bites of salad. (I was never prouder of my first-date-eating.) After we ate at Olive Garden, we got in his SUV and headed to Starbucks for some coffee. The Starbucks was officially the smallest Starbucks in the tri-state area, and its grand total of two tables were already occupied. We wanted to have a heart to heart talk without eavesdroppers so we elected to leave and go back to the Olive Garden parking lot to talk in his SUV.

My thoughts about the evening as captured later in my journal were as follows:

My date with Isaac? HAPPENED TODAY! I did not have my hair done – I was a frightful mess – and at the last minute he called to say he’d be close enough to have dinner.
Oh God, my heart is so full – how do I even put it into words? My heart is overflowing with gratitude. He met me with a hug. He held my hands. He called me beautiful. He paid and prayed for dinner. He kept me pretty close to him in Starbucks. He shared his heart with me in the car.

I never thought I would say this, but I feel You are blessing this. I’m so thankful for Your peace.
He prayed at the end of the date. How much have I longed for that!?!?! He prayed for me and for us and asked Your direction and guidance. My heart melted right there.

I wish there were words to capture this one. My favorite moment of the date was when we sat in his SUV and I laid my head on his arm and we listened to “This is What it Feels Like.” What a tender moment! How can I thank You enough?

I’m claiming this from Streams for both of us – “There is a place of stillness that allows God the opportunity to work for us and give us peace. It is a stillness that ceases our scheming, self-vindication and the search for a temporary means to an end through our own wisdom and judgment. Instead it lets God provide an answer, through His unfailing and faithful love, to the cruel blow we have suffered. Oh, how often we thwart God’s intervention on our behalf by taking up our own cause or by striking a blow in our own defense! May God grant each of us this silent power and submissive spirit.”

I had no idea those words were going to point to a huge battle – a huge need for His intervention in our lives.

When the date was over and we had to part ways, I called Mom to admit to her I’d been on a date. I shared with her as much as I dared about Isaac.

At the end of our talk, she said, “Well it sounds like this guy walks on water.” I said, “No he does not. He is wonderful in every way, but he does not walk on water.”

At one in the morning, after his family had gone to bed, he and I were texting and he said to me, "I can’t wait to see you again…I miss you. I must say goodnight and sweet dreams for now. I can’t wait to talk with you again.”

Drama, Drama, Drama

I couldn't wait to go to lunch with Jenny on Monday to tell her all about the weekend...meeting the family...the latest giggly conversations...

So she picked me up and we went to lunch at Fazolis. We'd barely settled in with our baked spaghetti plates when I started feeling unbelievably sick to my stomach. I felt so sick I had to ask her to take me home right then, and we hadn't even eaten! She rushed me home, and I elected to stay there the rest of the afternoon, just in case things got worse. I desperately wished Isaac could be there to take care of me. (Yes, I'm one of those.) He couldn't, obviously, but he did send loving, sympathetic texts and emails to me throughout the day.

Since I was home resting on the couch, I had plenty of time to read, think, and journal. I wrote,
Streams is so beautiful…”Christ is building His Kingdom with the broken things of earth. People desire only the strong, successful, victorious, and unbroken things in life to build their kingdoms, but God is the God of the unsuccessful – the God of those who have failed. Heaven is being filled with earth’s broken lives, and there is no ‘bruised reed’ that Christ cannot take and restore to a glorious place of blessing and beauty. He can take a life crushed by pain or sorrow and make it a harp whose music will be total praise. He can lift earth’s saddest failure up to heaven’s glory.”

I had absolutely no clue that I was about to be broken in two and failure was about to become the way I defined my every move. Even so, I wrote, I’m counting on You, God, to have a glorious purpose in all this! Help me to achieve balance. Help me to depend on You. Change me. Mold my expectations into real ones. I don’t want to exhaust him so.

Let me just interrupt my own story here to say I wrote those things in my journal mostly because I knew those were things I should be saying. Looking back now, I don't think I gave even half a thought to what they might actually mean for me. I never expected God to take them seriously. But He did.

The next day, I was better, but my father got sick. So sick, in fact, Mom had to take him to the emergency room and he was admitted for observation for the night. Isaac was the first person I wanted to talk to as soon as I heard the news. Even though he was busy with work, he took time out to make sure I was okay and to assure me he'd be right there (in text land) if I needed him.

That night I wrote, Isaac has been so wonderful to me tonight. He’s talked to me and taken care of me and prayed for me. I am so blessed that he’s been so gentle. Thank You, Jesus, for how gentle and caring he has been…he was there for me, right away. Jesus, how is he so good to me? How is he so tender?

My heart aches for this to work, God. I long to be loved and cared for. And even though we haven’t used the “L” word – I do feel so loved. He must feel it’s at least possible if he’s willing to talk long term thoughts with me.

My favorite moment of that day actually came at 12:45 in the morning (which was into Wednesday), when I awakened to a text that said, “I can’t sleep. Are you still up?” I loved it that in the moment he couldn’t sleep, he wanted to talk to me. An absolute dream come true. He did call, and I was so tired that I couldn’t remember much of what he said, but I do remember that he said he could tell even on the phone how I would take care of him in real life. And he said he just needed to hear my voice. How could I not love that!?!?

Wednesday night, I wrote, I admitted it out loud to myself today. I love him. I can’t tell him yet. The time isn’t right. But I do know I love him. And that is so weird to me. How can I love someone I’ve never even met? And yet I do. I see his heart and his gentle love for You and I love him, God! Tonight he asked me to pray for him and my heart soared because I can think of no greater honor than to lift him up in prayer.

God, how can my heart ache this much? A good ache. But a deep one. He needs me. He wants me to be there with him and it KILLS me that I can’t be. I want to be able to be right by his side and lift him up and support him. Jesus, how am I ever going to be able to stay calm when I ache for him so much and even believe I love him?

He told me last night I’d be a good wife. And God I want to be. I know that’s crazy to say after just almost a month, but it’s true.

I love this in Streams. So perfect. “O restless heart – beating against the prison bars of your circumstances and longing for a wider realm of usefulness – allow God to direct all your days. Patience and trust, even in the midst of the monotony of your daily routine will be the best preparation to courageously handle the stress and strain of a greater opportunity which God may someday send.” Seriously!? Could this be any more perfect?
This next part, I hesitate to share, but I think it's important. I don't speak of this often and haven't ever shared it in such a public forum before. I won't go into detail because it's both private and painful, but about ten years ago - actually, exactly ten years ago - I went through an experience where someone treated me in ways that were inexcusable. I was deeply wounded, spent several months in counseling, actually, and through the love and patience of many people and through the healing of the Lord, I was able to move past it and continue with a normal life. 364 days out of the year, I don't even think of it anymore. But there is usually that one random day when it hits me and suddenly I'm reliving it in full color and sound. I never know when that day will come or what will trigger it. There seems to be no rhyme or reason.

That night, after I journaled, Isaac called. We talked for a while and then he had to go take another call. In the short time between calls (literally less than 20 minutes), I had a flashback of the incident from years before. No idea why. I tried to shove it away so I could be collected when he called back. I thought I had succeeded

Oddly enough, when he called back, his first question was, “So, did anything happen since I last talked to you?” He had never asked a question like that before, nor has he done so since. I believe it was Divine Intervention. I tried to hide my tears, but he knew something was wrong and he pressed me about it – so I told him. And in that moment, my trust in him deepened to a level I didn't even know existed.

Later, I added to my journal, I cried but he was patient and gentle. He wanted to take care of me and I wanted to let him. You’d prompted my heart to tell him. To be honest. To let him know me. And I balked at it but his persistence paid off. Thank You Lord, for his tenderness and protection.

Places of Deep Longing

Believe it or not, you are now one month into this journey. Some of you have emailed me and said you're anxious to get to the meeting...and believe me. SO WAS I! You'll have to be patient just like I had to be!

I've been trying to figure out how to piece together this next part for you, and I'm still not sure how I'm going to do it in the most effective way, but let me just start by saying at this point in our relationship, I loved the texts he sent me. It was not at all unusual to get a dozen or more random texts each day that said things like, I'm thinking of you or Miss you or Have I told you that you're beautiful? I had never before been showered with that kind of attention and affection and I drank it up. I delighted in a lit-up screen that said Text from Isaac because I never knew what it would say, but I always knew I'd love it.

It was because of such a string of texts that I wrote this in my journal: Seriously, God!?!? Why is he so wonderful? He said he can be himself with me. That I give him hope and he trusts me. What an honor! Oh Jesus, please help me be worthy of it. Help me to pray fervently, Jesus. He needs me, and I ache to support him.

The request to be taught fervent prayer was not lost to the Lord's ears.

That Sunday morning, my heart was so burdened for him. I knew he was facing a difficult day personally, and I ached to be able to spend time in prayer for him. As God would have it (and what came to be the first of many such “coincidental” moments, though I didn’t recognize it for what it was at the time) my own church had an amazing service. It was all about prayer and we spent much of the service not listening to the preacher preach, but rather actually in prayer. On the very morning when I wanted to be able to be in a deep posture of prayer for my sweet boy, God opened the door for me to have an entire service devoted solely to that. I was able to concentrate on lifting Isaac in the moment of his greatest need. That's God.

That afternoon, I received a surprise. By this point, as I think I already told you, Isaac and I had determined to meet in person and our first date was over two weeks away. We were going to be meeting at his brother's house, because it was a good halfway point between our two homes. Problem was...I'd never met his brother or his brother's wife. I was a little nervous about not only meeting Isaac, but meeting him at the same time I met this part of his family.

But God was one step ahead of me (again). I received a phone call from the mother of my friend who set us up. She asked if I was busy that evening...and if I wasn't...she wondered if I'd be interested in coming with her to meet the brother and sister-in-law so I could feel more relaxed later when Isaac and I officially met. Well, I already had plans for the early part of the evening, but she said it would be no problem for me to meet up at their house after I was done with my previously scheduled plans.

I thought about throwing up. I'd never met the family before meeting the man! So I donned my best "don't-I-look-like-someone-you'd-want-your-brother-to-date" outfit and headed out for the big adventure.

I made my way down unfamiliar roads toward the brother's house. I need to stop the story here for a moment to explain two things. One - the brother needs a name. I can't keep calling him "the brother." I thought about calling him Ishmael (since you know...Isaac...) but I don't want to make him sound like some sort of outcast relative, so I think I'm going to call him Nate. I have no good reason for naming him Nate. And when Isaac reads this he's probably going to laugh at me for choosing it! But Nate he shall be. Secondly - this is important to the grand scheme of this story, so I'm going to point it out. I had a rather difficult driver's ed experience and have loathed driving ever since. Loathed it. I hate interstates, I hate cities, I hate one-way streets. And I could literally panic myself into a near heart attack at the very thought of driving to an unfamiliar place after dark. So for me to make this trek into a town I'd never been to before...after dark...well, it shows my undying affection for the handsome Isaac. Okay. Back to the story. Going to Nate's house.

I wanted to make a good impression and was so worried they wouldn’t like me; maybe it would have been better to wait until the date weekend to meet them, because if I met them and it didn’t go well…it could make for a long weekend later. I talked to Isaac for a while on my way over, and he promised me I’d like them and they’d like me.

When I arrived, everyone was already deep in conversation about something else, so I sat and observed…listened…tried my best to look cute in case Nate was one of those brothers who reported back about whether or not this was a good idea. They didn’t say a whole lot to me for a while, which was fine, because I mostly wanted to take in everything around me.

When I determined, however, that it was getting too late, and I didn’t want to overstay my welcome, Nate suddenly had a string of questions for me. Some were surface questions: Where had I gone to school? What was my major? Others required help. Who were my favorite sports teams? (Mr. Set-Up-Extraordinaire fed me the appropriate answers.) My favorite, though, was the question that came at the end. “What are your intentions with my brother?” he asked. My face glowed and I had no idea what to say. Since Isaac and I hadn’t met in person, I really wasn’t sure how to respond with the truth…which was that I wanted to marry him. Fortunately everyone else came to my rescue and told Nate not to ask me questions like that the very day he met me!

Nate and his wife were much fun to meet, and as I walked out the door that night, he told me I’d passed all tests with flying colors. Whew.

It was very late when I got home, and I had to (of course) spend some time on the phone with Isaac, reporting all the happenings of meeting the family, and then when I hung up, I just couldn't go to sleep until I'd sent off one last little email to him.

The next day, feeling pretty convicted about my ability to email Isaac but my inability to spend time journaling, I wrote, I’m so sorry I didn’t write last night, God. I was beat. I’ve got to figure out some new routines, I think. I love having Isaac in my life, but it was so packed already – and I need to figure out how to juggle it.

I had no idea that God was formulating a plan to create in me such a craving for Him that I would have no choice but to run to His arms, no matter how tired I felt.

I continued journaling about what should have been said on Sunday: Streams says, “God still has secrets hidden from the ‘wise and learned.’ Do not fear these unknown things, but be content to accept the things you cannot understand and wait patiently. In due time He will reveal the treasures of the unknown to you – the riches of the glory of the mystery…Do not be afraid to enter the cloud descending on your life, for God is in it. And the other side is radiant with His glory…Forge ahead into the darkness without flinching, knowing that under the shelter of the cloud, God is waiting for you.”

Those were prophetic words, but I didn’t know it then. Didn’t know I was about to learn what waiting patiently really meant. I had no idea a cloud of gargantuan proportion was about to descend on my life and fog over the bliss I lived that very day.

Sunday Smattering

This worked well last week, so we'll try it again.

* This was the only picture I took this week (other than food). Can you believe it? Actually, it's because my cool camera is still in repair, and I'm forced to use the old (now un-cool) camera, so I'm not as interested in snapping pictures. This is me with our student worker, Rachel. She invited me over to swim one evening, so I went. We had fun! (Until the sun went down behind the trees and it got too cold.)

* My friend Ronda invited me over to her house one evening to watch the movie Julie and Julia. I'd never seen it before. First of all - thoroughly impressed with Meryl Streep's rendering of Julia Child. I can't imagine trying to learn all her mannerisms and her voice. I don't think I've ever heard anyone with a more unique voice. Anyway. I was also very intrigued as to how they managed to make Meryl look so big compared to everyone and everything around her. I want to watch the director's cut on that one to find out the secrets!

* Apparently watching a cooking movie inspired me because...I cooked three times this week. That may be more than in the last three months combined! The first thing I made you already saw, because I posted it on the spot. My mother made the dreadful mistake of calling it a jello salad and I quickly informed her that salads have lettuce and this was a dessert. I don't make jello salads, thankyouverymuch. I also made a batch of cookies and a seafood pasta salad, both of which you'll see on here later!

* Friday evening, I had a visit from a former student worker, Jessica, who happened to be in town. Hadn't seen her for several months...it was great to catch up with her! She used to come over every week and watch American Idol with me. Memories........

* I moved into this century and became the proud owner of my very first (entry level) ipod. Correction. Bought it a couple of weeks ago. Just now figured out how to use the thing. Something you should know about me is that I STINK at reading directions. It truly is a wonder I can cook because on anything else, directions are lost to me. I hate mass training sessions at work for that very reason. When it's time for me to learn something, just come sit with me and show me a time or two and I'll learn it much faster that way. But after more hours than I care to tell you and several hair-pulling frustrations, I did successfully load the thing with some music.

* My parents celebrated FIFTY SIX years of marriage this week. That's a lotta years. Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad!!

* This is just gross, but I have to tell you anyway. Was out driving this evening and saw a dead dog on the road. Like in the middle of the road. That's not a fairly common sight around here - but even more uncommon was the fact that it had been somewhat opened up and its entire stomach was sitting on top of it like a balloon. Need I tell you how happy I was that I was on my way to dinner when that I saw it? Yeah. Thrilling.

I'll try to post either the cookies or the pasta for you this week - and of course, more of Isaac!

Real Life

The week in which Isaac came home from vacation and I came home from the craft hideaway proved to be an interesting week in my heart. For the last couple of posts I've let you peek into our banter and our learning each other. This time I want to move back to what was happening in my heart, because God was already beginning to chisel me, and I was completely unaware.

Sunday evening, we had a particularly long phone call. During that time, he shared with me that he was considering making a significant life change - one that would require him to leave his current job, even though he wasn't sure yet where the Lord would lead him. That night, I said this to the Lord:

The phone chats with Isaac tonight went about 4 ½ hours! Or was it closer to five? I don’t even know. I loved the talks – and we are now 18 days from our first date. Seems like forever.
It feels so serious. Both of us feel it, God. I love it that he shared with me his thoughts. God, show me if there are things I should say or not say to help. I appreciate his consideration for me and the role I could potentially play in his life. Thank you, Lord! I love that about him.

Please continue to give me wisdom. Show me. Lead me.

Later that week, I added to it:

God, I know it’s Satan working in my heart. Isaac's done nothing wrong…but I have myself nearly convinced that he’s like the others. That he will lose interest – even before our date.

Jesus, help me not to push him into a box he didn’t create and doesn’t deserve to be in.

So he feels You pushing him to step out in faith. I’m scared he will forget me. I’m scared I’m not cut out as a helpmate – which I realize is not my current position, but it is in some ways. I mean he went out of his way to be vulnerable and honest, and I want to be so faithful to him.

I know I need to trust him to hear and follow You. And if this does go forward, then I will have to trust You to take care of it. My soul is literally in anguish because I want to be wise. I want to to support and lift up and cover in prayer. Yet I feel like I have nothing to offer that’s good.

The next morning, I flew around the house trying to get ready for work and when I was getting in the car to drive to the office, I realized my ring was gone. I had just put it on very last thing before walking out the door. I knew I’d lost some weight since I started talking to Isaac, because it was hard to eat while so twitterpated, but I didn’t know I’d lost enough to make the ring loose on my finger. I was just certain it was in the garage or car, because I thought I’d heard it hit the ground as I got in.

In very unbekahlike fashion, I called in to work “searching for jewelry” – which I was pretty sure was a new excuse for the office! My heart ached over that and was also heavy as I knew Isaac was making his decision that morning concerning the changes we'd discussed.

That night, I wrote:

Isaac decided on the change. I ached for him all day…but I know he did the right thing and I’m so relieved he is doing what God is calling. Why is it not freaking me out? Because I have peace.

I wanted to be there. Wanted to help. Wanted to be able to look in his eyes and know he was okay. I loved it that he called me at lunch to tell me he’d gotten confirmation he needed.

I trust him – and I guess it’s good to see up front just how much I do.

The next morning I got up extra early and when I got online to write to him, he was online. So we started chatting. As we did so, the song What it Feels Like by FFH came on the radio. I'd not heard it forever, but as I listened to the lyrics, I realized they were perfect for this new change in Isaac's life. I asked him if he knew the song, and he didn't, but he looked it up online while we talked.

He told me it was perfect and he was downloading it that very minute. I know this may sound strange, but it was a huge comfort for my soul. There I was, hours away from him at that moment....days away from meeting him for the first time...feeling completely helpless to be the support I wanted to be...and yet through sharing a song, I felt like I'd done something good.

If you don't know the song, I'd love for you to hear it. The lyrics are in the slide show - and I chose this particular version of the song on purpose because the desert was about to become very pivotal in both our lives.

Thirty Kinds of Ridiculous

I am, indeed, ridiculous. I like to think it's part of my charm. Others may raise an eyebrow at that statement. But you're about to see how ridiculous I was in the early days of love!

Thursday night of his vacation week, we were chatting online really late. I was exhausted but I'd missed him and talking to him certainly trumped the need to sleep, so I willed my eyes to stay open long enough to complete the conversation.

And then he was gone.

He just stopped responding and from everything I could tell, the chatting system was working correctly. I waited quite a while and then tried texting him - just in case the chat box wasn't working. No response there either.

Y'all, panic ensued. I just knew he'd died right there in his bed and because it was the middle of the night, no one would know about it for hours. I launched into desperate prayer for his health and safety, and finally, knowing I had no other option, I curled up to sleep.

I've never been so relieved to hear my phone ring in the middle of the night as I was at 3:30 that morning. It was a text...of profuse apology. He'd fallen asleep (because the chat box wasn't working and he thought he was waiting on a message from me...much as I thought I was waiting on a message from him...) and he felt horrible. He felt horrible that he'd fallen asleep, and he felt horrible for waking me up to tell me that's what had happened.

He was safe! He wasn’t dead! I cried tears of relief as I responded and tried to reassure him I wasn’t angry. My heart broke that he felt he had to apologize for getting sleepy in the middle of the night! Was I treating him right? I told him not to worry. And then...he told me he missed me.
He MISSED me! Oh how long had I waited to be missed! And by someone who hadn’t even met me. And he was thankful for me? God was answering prayers left and right.

The next day, I had a vacation day, so we had a chance to chat for a while in the morning. He sent such beautiful words my way that I mostly just sat in bed giggling and blushing. I loved it that he wanted to make sure I'd had enough time to rest. He was worried about me even though I'd kept him up half the night talking and then the whole ridiculous worry thing....

My vacation plans were to depart for a scrapbooking haven with two friends. I knew the place had internet access, so I’d still be able to talk to him, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to hide my silly grin and my texting and chatting from the two of them. No one outside of my office and best friend knew I had this fledgling relationship, and I didn’t want the news to spread back to my parents until I’d had a chance to tell them.

That night, from the scrapping haven, I wrote to the Lord, Thank You for hanging in there with me…Last night…my own drama told me he was dead….That was a real battle for me. A real battle. Satan got me good…God, I was so scared. So sick to my stomach. So afraid You were pouring this blessing in my life only to take him away at two in the morning. 

God, my heart is so full of joy – to feel so cared for and cherished. I loved making cards for him tonight. I want to bless him. Make him smile. Make him feel…I can’t write the word.

Have I mentioned I’m so ridiculous? I absolutely ache to be with him. ACHE. And I haven’t even met him. I love it that he tells me he misses me, and I have sorely missed talking to him today. My heart skips a beat when I think about talking to him tomorrow.

Streams from yesterday (which I should have read then) says, “Biblical heroes of faith…remind us not only of the necessity of faith, but also the patience required for faith’s work to be perfected.” You’re working so hard on me.

Today’s says, “The greatest challenge in receiving great things from God is holding on for the last half hour.” God, please help me to persevere. I don’t want to get all caught up in the drama that surrounded my relationship from before. I believe – and this scares me even to say – that You have a future for this. Oh God , do not let me mess this up with my fears. Help me to find deep trust. I need to know that You are over this and that I can trust him. I guess I have bigger issues than I thought.

I had no idea what would be required of me to find deep trust and for God to prove to me that He was over this relationship.

I waited and waited for Isaac to get online that night and he didn’t, so finally I went up to my little twin bed in the row of beds in our room. At 1:13, my phone buzzed under my pillow, and Isaac's text said, “You up? If not, I’ll talk to you soon.” It only took me 3 seconds to bound out of bed and head back to the crafting room to the computer. In the process, I accidentally dialed Mom on my cell phone and scared her to death with the middle of the night call and subsequent shuffling of sounds (since I didn’t realize the phone was on). Woops! Almost gave away the secret to her before I was ready!

I finally broke down and told one of my friends at the craft place about the new man in my life. And it was a good thing, because Saturday afternoon, the three of us were scrapping when my phone buzzed. I glanced down at the phone to see if the text was from him. Only it wasn’t a text. The phone said, “Call from Isaac.” My eyes lit up and I grabbed the phone. I shot an EEEE!! It’s him! look to the friend that I'd just told and scrambled out of the room. I scurried upstairs to our bedroom, closed the door behind me and sprawled out across the bed to talk to him. I think he called me almost as soon as he left the cabin. I loved it. One hour and twenty-two minutes later (though it only seemed to have been about fifteen minutes!) I got a text from downstairs that said it was starting to look strange that I'd been gone so long. I hated hanging up, but I knew I needed to. I told Isaac I’d try to call again later that day if I could.

I had to get creative about hiding the next call. The house had an amazing whirlpool tub, so I asked if I could take a bath. I sat in there for 64 minutes (without the jets running because I didn’t want him to know where I was) talking to him even more.

And it still wasn’t enough. We had to talk some more. So, under the pretense of wanting to wash my hair, I decided to go take a shower (did anyone wonder at my need for cleanliness?) and called him for another 19 minutes. Each time he answered, he was eager to hear from me and we picked up our conversation right from where we’d been!

That night, I told the Lord, God, I am one giggly pile of goo. We have talked THREE TIMES today. And none of those times seemed long enough. Why do I feel so strongly so quickly? I’m falling fast…

I love it, God. I love it that he loves to talk to me. I love it that he’s so thoughtful.

How much do I love his tenderness? I love how he already leads. I love how he seems to cherish me. Like I asked You earlier – am I falling in love?

Streams says, “May we never express our faith as these disciples did, in the past tense – ‘We had hoped.’ Yet may we always say, ‘I have hope!’”

God, the peace and the positive signs I see lead me more and more to believe he is my good and perfect gift from above.