Up and Down

Well, Tsofah's getting impatient and we can't have that. :) I never intended to take this long to get around to sharing the desert itself, but you have to understand this part to understand the depth of the desert. You just do.

I went through the journals to see what to share about today and I found myself duly convicted by the words that were pouring through my life in the week I'm about to share with you. I think that means I didn't learn the lessons the first time. Hopefully I do better this time.

All these things took place in the week between our surprise first date and our regularly scheduled date at Nate's house.

Because Isaac was meeting up with his family at the time of our first date (EEEEE!!! again), I didn't get to hear much from him in the next couple of days. Don't misunderstand me. He texted and he did talk to me. (Want to hear one of the things he texted me? “Have I told you that you are beautiful and lovely?” EEEE!) We just didn't get to talk as much as we liked. And if you're "such a girl" like I am, you know why that's a difficult thing. The joy and exuberance of the first date...followed by little chance to talk. Actually, in my case, it was being "such a girl" coupled with crippling fear.

Remember when I told you about the night when I thought he'd died in his bed on vacation? Well, out of self-preservation, I didn't share about three or four other times in the span up until now when I was gasping for breath, just sure something horrible had happened. It wasn't Isaac's fault. It was my fault. I've struggled with - not kidding...crippling - fear since I was a kid. The reasons for the fear rotate in and out, but the fear itself stays. And at this point, it manifested itself in the fear that God would take Isaac right out of my life.

Anytime I'd go several hours without hearing from him, I'd start to panic. Car accident? Sickness? Kidnapping? (Okay so I do watch too many Lifetime movies.)

Here are some of the things I wrote to the Lord in the span of that week: So hard to not let old lies of Satan crop up and haunt...I'm so scared to hope...You're going to have to help me with that...What a beautiful time of prayer I had with You today. It hurt so much to cry and not be able to breathe and to be overrun with fear – but at the same time, I know the time spent with You was so good for me. So necessary.

In a Divinely ordained moment, that very day...the day I was crying out in fear that something had happened to him...these were the words that came from the pages of Streams in the Desert:
“Many hours of waiting were necessary to enrich David’s harp with song. And hours of waiting in the wilderness will provide us with psalms of thanksgiving and the sound of singing…What was the preparation for Jesse’s son, David, to compose songs unlike any others ever heard before on earth? It was the sinful persecution he endured at the hands of the wicked that brought forth his cries for God’s help. Then David’s faint hope in God’s goodness blossomed into full songs of rejoicing, declaring the Lord’s mighty deliverances and multiplied mercies.”

The words wilderness and waiting were about to become very familiar in my life, and I had no clue. That's why I find it so interesting that my response to that excerpt was: There are more struggles ahead, I know, as I walk through moments of uncertainty and doubt. Be patient with me, Holy Father.

Another night, I wrote, Today has been hard. It is so hard to do this over the phone – and yet I love it that he does allow me to be part of his world. I love how he shares his heart. It must be so hard. God, please protect and guide my heart. Help me not to be a Bekah. Help me to focus on how I can serve and be a help. It’s getting harder and harder to not tell him I love him. But I know I do love him.

I read these two pieces of Streams in the Desert, and honestly, today, these are the two that make me wince the most because I need them again right now.

“Praying through something might be defined as follows: Praying your way into full faith; coming to the point of assurance, while still praying, that your prayer has been accepted and heard; and in advance of the event, with confident anticipation, actually becoming aware of having received what you ask.” Oh Jesus, keep me faithful to petition You!

“When God delays, He is not inactive. This is when He prepares His instruments and matures our strength. Then at the appointed time, we will rise up and be equal to our task…God is never in a hurry. He spends years preparing those He plans to greatly use, and never thinks of the days of preparation as being too long or boring…Never run impulsively ahead of the Lord.” Oh Jesus, You have proved to me that You use those long moments for Your purpose.

And these last two thoughts that I wrote in my journal during that week of waiting...

It’s so hard to be apart from him, God, and yet I cherish the way these struggles drive me to Your arms. This time has a plan too. A purpose. And I don’t want to miss that in my haste to be with him.

Help me to trust You.

Oh Bekah...what are you asking?