Falling in Love

I awakened early in the morning intending to surprise Isaac with an email neatly placed in his inbox for when he awakened...but that's when I found he was way ahead of me. He'd already sent me one for when I awakened. That Isaac.

He sent me a picture of the view from their vacation spot; it was truly lovely. I loved it that he wanted to share his vacation with me, even in that small way. So thoughtful, he was.

Despite our many emails and texts throughout that day, fears from my past began to creep into my mind in ways I did not appreciate. I poured my heart before the Lord that night:

He told me he was proud of me…and although it was in response to my question to him, it brought tears to my eyes because I haven’t heard that for a very long time. THEN he told me something he was working through and he asked my thoughts. I wanted to cry and squeal at the same time. Really!?!? You want to know!?!?

Jesus, I feel so blessed to have this new friend – to have his attention…his kindness…to hear him say he’s building trust in me…and yet, God, I’m so scared. Scared it’s going to turn out like my first boyfriend, who was so complimentary and attentive…for a while…and then he quit caring. Quit trying. Turned on me.

I know it’s not fair to push that on Isaac. He’s not the ex. I want so much for this to work…and yet I want to make sure I’m staying focused on YOU.

He’s with his family. I don’t want to create a rift there. I want him to feel free to vacation. To be with them. To not stress about me. And yet there’s a huge part of me that wants to cry out, “Don’t forget me!” And he hasn’t. He’s been good to pop in with texts and chats and emails. Jesus, I need You to keep me steady and grounded about this. Streams says, “Evil never surrenders its grasp without a tremendous fight.” Help me fight through to the other side.

I had no idea how far I was from “the other side” and what an enormous, all-consuming fight lay between me that night and the entrance to the Promised Land. I also had no idea how much help I would need.

I wavered on whether or not to share this particular tidbit with you, because it's something he said to me, and I want to be careful about repeating words that were only meant for me. But I want you to know him and his beautiful heart, so I'm going to share it. It's one of the things he said that meant the most to me. It came to me in an email early the following day:

I'm glad that I can talk to you about God. It thrills me that you pursue Him the way that you do...I'm glad that with you I feel compelled to get closer to God. THAT IS AWESOME!!!! I think it's great for us to encourage each other in that way.

Later that morning came the first conversation that pushed me from liking this guy a whole lot to knowing I loved him. I sent him a text that began “Random useless fact:” and continued with some pointless trivial matter about work. He responded almost immediately with “Random USEFUL fact: You are pretty.” My heart melted. I love a life that mirrors a movie, and that was a movie moment. I didn’t take it for granted and saved the text…I still have it.

That night, I confided in the Lord:

God, my heart is so full…Isaac has been so wonderful today. I wish I could remember every word…His phone broke – but later he told me he would have bought a new one to be able to text me…for real? Someone would want to talk to me that much? And tonight he admitted he’s been having thoughts like I do…about this could be it.

His compliments…His vulnerability…I love it all. I think he might actually be pretty invested in this.

And even while I was saying that to the Lord, he was already emailing me these words (I know, I know...I just said I wasn't going to share more from his emails...but seriously, people! Isn't this lovely?)

The great thing is that no matter what happens, I now know that there is a beautiful, Godly woman in Indiana who has a heart of gold. That fact alone makes me smile.

I am praying that God leads us both in our lives. Who knows what the future holds for either one of us... but I do find it comforting that HE knows. And while being patient is difficult, it also makes the final result that much sweeter.

The next day he sent me a picture of the view from the mountains…which was a beautiful sight and I texted him back to tell me as much. His response? “Just like you.” Would there be no end to my blushing? He even said, “I’d like to be back in Indiana to see you.” Really? He hadn’t even seen me yet and he was ready to be back from vacation just to see me? Was this guy for real? I said I’d rather be in the mountains with him, and his response, which I’d grow to see often in the days to come was, “Maybe one day.” I tingled with delight. Someone would dare to dream about a vacation with me? It was almost too much.

That night, as I waited on him to be able to chat, I pulled out the journal and wrote. Jesus, please guide us. “Us” seems such a strange word to write. I know we aren’t in a relationship – but Jesus, we could be, maybe?

He wondered what it would be like to have me with him on this vacation, and for the first time ever in the history of Bekah, that felt like it was a pondering born of sharing a life desire.

No one has ever ventured to mention what it might be like to look long term. No one. The thought that anyone would even consider me…it’s so overwhelming. So humbling.

I prayed on my drive tonight…about Isaac. Jesus, have You seen what he’s said to me? He thanked me for being trustworthy. What a high calling. Help me to live up to it. JESUS! He sees me! He sees me. Oh God, how many years have I prayed for someone to see me?

I’m ridiculous. The smiling, the giggling. I miss him when I can’t talk to him…and that cracks me up! I haven’t even met him!

My dreams were coming true. Years and years of praying…and a man who fit every hope I ever had…