What I've Loved About Being Engaged

I've noticed that Ryan and I have begun a lot of sentences with "I can't wait until..."

Can't wait until our first date. Can't wait until we're engaged. Can't wait until we're married...and I thought it may seem that we don't appreciate the season we're in. And while I am certainly eager TO be married...I want you to know how much I've enjoyed my (very brief!) engagement season. So, as it draws to a close this weekend, I want to tell you some of the things I've loved most.

The proposal itself. I always tried not to dream too hard about my engagement because I never wanted to be disappointed by how it turned out if it didn't exactly match my preconceived notions. As it turned out, Ryan's planning and execution of the proposal went miles and miles past anything I ever could have contrived in my mind. I loved every single piece of it. I will cherish it always. It was sooner than I imagined and had just a wee bit bigger audience than I ever thought it would, but it was absolutely perfect for me and for us. Perfect.

Our day trip to Brown County the day after our engagement. Loved having that entire day completely to ourselves to celebrate in the way we wanted to - and to begin our planning. That was the day we decided to just go for it and have a wedding right away. It was lovely to be away and have the chance to dream our dreams for our wedding without any influence. Thanks, Love, for making this day so special.

(Successful!!) dress shopping! Loved sharing this evening with ladies from my work, with members of my family, and with friends. It wasn't the traditional wedding dress shopping night with the prescribed bridal party and mothers, but again - it suited me. (So wish my best friend could have joined up, though!) It was a special memory for me that I'll always treasure. And I can't wait to show you the pictures of that night.

Establishing traditions together - like going to a pumpkin patch and corn maze. Want to go every year!! And this is just a sampling of the things we began to establish - some on purpose and some by happenstance.

Having engagement pictures taken. We had such a great time - both nights - and loved making those memories to keep forever. I loved that they were taken in the fall with the gorgeous colors and I loved the way his mom captured our love!

My personal shower - where I got to share with friends, be prayed for by Grandma Sue...and just generally find myself spoiled by lots of love!! Loved it that both my bridesmaids could be part of that day too!

My bachelorette party - with so many of my long-time friends who have loved and supported me through some really really hard days and some really really great days! They spoiled me GOOD that night.

My work shower, where I was never short of enthusiasm. :) Love the ladies I work with and how they have cared for and supported me so wholly during my relationship with Ryan.

Making all the elements of the wedding - with Ryan's help. He was the perfect blend of letting my creativity run wild (and embracing my ideas) and helping with his own ideas. I never EVER ever could have enjoyed this engagement like I have without him. He did the lion's share of the planning (finding and booking the location, the photographer, the videographer, the coordinator) and made this entire two month span something I could fully enjoy in the way a bride should.

Sweetheart, I have ADORED being engaged to you and I want everyone to know what joy you've brought me in this season - both by living it fully alongside me and by doing so much hard work. I love you!!!

Nesting

I've loved the carloads of Ryan's things that have made their way over to our new home...loved watching him slowly make this his home too....loved hearing him CALL it home. I think the slow transition of bringing his life over one carload at a time has made the transition easier for me. I'm sure it's odd to have your own home for 12 years and in the space of one day, watch a truck back up to the front door and a whole new life move in. So this way has worked well for us.

Making space for Ryan has given me a chance to make this home a home again. That's something it hasn't been for many years.

I put this pillow on the bed...the one Lori gave me for my bridal shower.

When she opened her eyes, she awoke to her dreams.So true. This is so my life.

Something else I've loved....filling my frames with pictures of the two of us. This was from our first date. We liked the hotel and wanted our picture taken in front of it so that one day, when we go stay there, we can say "Remember how much we liked this hotel the first time we ever drove by it?" (Who chooses a hotel based on architecture? We do, apparently.)

I open the door and see clothes in my closet that are not mine. There's a very comforting presence about these clothes. Even if it means I don't have as much space. Even if it means there's more laundry. It also means there's someone else who will very soon share every day space with me.

New washcloths and towels. You understand the sheer delight of those sorts of new things, right? It's always a good day to get new sheets and blankets and bed covers and towels....and I loved organizing all of them to look pretty in the bathroom.

Love seeing the new (albeit temporary) comforter on the bed. Ryan isn't really a big fan of purple, so in our new house, we'll be going with blue. But for now, I pulled out the new set I bought over a year ago as a "happy housewarming to me" gift and we'll be using this. SOMEONE (who owns four legs) in this house is of the MISTAKEN impression it belongs to her and she makes herself quite at home when I turn my back. (Yes. She unmade the bed all by herself. E.vry.day.)

And the buffet - all ready for entertaining with new dishes from my showers. Can't wait to have people over with Ryan here too. Seriously. Cannot wait.

Love all these changes...and can't wait to begin to show you our life together!!

What I'm Looking Forward to the Most

Ryan and I have been knee deep in pre-wedding/pre-married life prep these last few weeks. It's been a combination of extremely exciting and also extremely fast-paced. Lots to do in a very brief amount of time. But all the prep, all the talking, all the dreaming, all these things have made me so eager to experience life with this man...every day.

* To have coffee together every morning.

* To cook dinner together. (Told him the other night as we were making a hot chicken salad, "I feel like we're on an episode of House Hunters. Those shows always close with the happy couple cooking together in their new kitchen. And they're almost always chopping peppers. Probably because in real life they don't actually cook." But we actually do cook and we love cooking together.)

* To do laundry together. (Weird, but something we actually like to do. And he has the most brilliant way of folding shirts I've ever known. Even my mother was impressed when I told her about it.)

* To have someone to put up the Christmas tree with. The last couple of years, Christmas decorating has been absolutely excruciating because doing it alone has finally caught up with me. So even though I'm OCD about wrapping the branches with lights and such, I'm so excited to share that with someone and have a way to make it a memory.

* Having a date on New Year's Eve. I have been so very, very blessed with friends who have welcomed me in on New Year's Eve every year - and I so appreciate it. But I'm beyond excited to have a date this year. Someone to kiss at midnight. Sounds like a Lifetime movie, doesn't it?

* Someone to vacation with. Again. SO many friends have vacationed with me over the years, and I've loved the blessing of having people willing to share those moments with me. But to be able to go on vacation with my husband...is so exciting.

* Saturday afternoon movies. Ryan worked this past Saturday morning and then he came over to help me with wedding stuff. He showed up with a bag of Chinese food and we hunkered down on the couch to eat and watch Four Christmases. Even though we had a billion wedding chores to do, we just took those couple of hours to rest, laugh our fool heads off, and cuddle. And halfway through, he turned to me and said, "I think Saturday afternoon movies with you are the greatest." Let's do more of THAT.

* Being spoiled. And I mean that in THE most non-selfish way I can possibly say. I am used to doing all the chores all the time all alone - and even in the time we've had together, it's been such a treat to have help with things like the laundry and the dishes and the lawn mowing and the trash. To see him WANT to love me by helping with (or just flat out doing) those things - makes me feel so loved. Can't wait for it to be every day. And lest I look completely greedy, I can't wait to spoil him right back with all kinds of (granted limited) gifts I have.

Just life. That's what I'm looking forward to. Whether we're cleaning up the kitchen or planning for a trip or having a fun date, I'm looking forward to life with Ryan.

So. So. Grateful.

Day vs. Detail

I need to say this at the very beginning of this post: I am so so so so so so excited about my wedding day. I've been dreaming of this day for YEARS. Like thirty of them. I've been pouring hours - days - even weeks - of planning into this one day to make it memorable and special and all those things brides long for.

But this is what has thoroughly shocked me about myself as I've gone through this planning season:

More than once, I've been heard saying, "It's okay. At the end of the day, I'm still married and that's all I really care about."

 WHAT?!?!

Is that really me talking??

It is. I think it means I'm all grown up now. Praise. The. Lord.

Next Sunday morning, I'm going to get up and walk to the beach to enjoy a beautiful time alone with Ryan. Coffee. Gifts. Breakfast. Prayer. Probably some tears.

Then I'm going to get my hair done. How? No idea. Not taking a 3 ring binder of pictures. Perhaps, if I have time, I might hop on Pinterest and snap a couple pictures with my phone to get a general little idea-let for what I want. Or I might just meander into the salon and say, "Ehhhh do whatever you think looks good." (Seriously - what bride says that??)

Then I'm going to put on my makeup and hope to goodness I don't make myself look like Tammy Faye. (It's entirely possible.) Then I'm going to put on my pretty dress...and my flip flops...much to my mother's chagrin. (Who wears flip flops to a wedding, she asks? Lots of brides. Including THIS ONE.)

Then I'm going to walk onto the beach and see Ryan for the first time in my wedding dress. And since I've not been to the beach before, I haven't scoped out yet where that will take place, so I can't envision that moment. But I don't really care. I have envisioned, a hundred times, the look in his eye when he sees me for the first time. And I can't wait to see that look.

And then we'll take a bunch of pictures. Not sure how that couple of hours will look either. Not sure what poses we'll get. I have a few notes scribbled in my day planner, but however it goes, I'm happy. As long as I hear shutters clicking, I'm good.

And then our guests will show up and sit down and I'll walk down a sand aisle lined with tiki torches - and I'll see Ryan waiting for me at the water's edge. (Incidentally - no idea what song I'm walking in to. I asked Ryan to pick out the song he wants to hear when he sees me walking toward him. And I want to be surprised. I'll know it when I hear it.) And we'll have a ceremony, which I've left (with full confidence) in the capable hands of my brother-in-law, who gets me. I have not a single worry about how the ceremony will go, because even if it deviates from his eight page script, it'll be okay. He'll make it exactly what I would want.

And then the wedding will be over and as the sun sets, I'll dance in my love's arms. To what song? No idea. He'll pick one. I'll love it. Always do.

And then we'll have a little reception. We'll cut some cake and drink some coffee and mingle with the guests and maybe have a toast - if the bridal party wants to. We left it up to them.

And somewhere along the way, probably one (or more) of those things won't go "right." Won't go as planned. Pretty much the only thing I've begged for is good weather. Other than that...whatever happens...it's just a day. Granted, it's a HUGE day. A day I've longed for. But my life won't be ruined if something goes out of order. Because at the end of the day, I'll be married. And that's what I want most of all. Everything else is just a detail.

Eight Cows

Well, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is the last week I'll be writing to you as Bekah Freelan. I'm a billion times excited to get married, but it is so strange to realize that this week is actually HERE. Know what I mean? You wait and wait and wait to get married and then it actually happens and you think...wait...is this really my life?

So I thought in honor of our upcoming wedding, I'd write a few thoughts I've had about the conclusion of this season in my life. Might take me all week. Hey. It's been a 34 year season. I'm allowed a week, don't you think?

Last year, I wrote this blog post about the eight cow wife. Go check it out if you don't know the story of the eight cow wife, because it sounds really strange if you don't know what it is.

Anyway. I prayed to be an eight cow wife. I hoped to be an eight cow wife. But I'll be really honest with you. I wasn't sure the eight cow kind of husband was out there. I really wasn't.

Were there still the kind of men who had that great blend of good old fashioned chivalry and a gut-busting sense of humor? The kind of men who weren't afraid to lead well and yet at the same time were willing to be vulnerable about their own weaknesses?

I was convinced such men did not really exist.

But they do.

This past week as I continued to prepare my heart and mind to become a wife, I spent a lot of time reflecting on Ryan's character. I'm continually amazed at (and sometimes struggle to accept graciously) the way he treats me.

The way he's made me an eight cow wife.

The way he has jumped, headfirst, into the massive task of teaching me that I have that kind of worth. The way he takes care of me and yet embraces the ideas and gifts I bring into our relationship. The way he wants to spend time with me. The way he wants to talk about our relationship and not deny that it exists. The way he pushes me to be more than I even see I can be...and yet at the same time never makes me feel less than whole the way I am.

I want to write this whole thing to him right here, so you can know all the things that have made this dream come true for me. Alas, most of the things I'd say are in my vows and I'm trying to keep that eight page essay (just kidding) (kind of) a secret until the wedding.

But I'm so thankful. This is more than I ever hoped to know. And if you're where I was in my original blog post...if you're still waiting and wondering, I beg you to keep persevering. I don't know when God will bring someone to make you an eight cow wife, but I can assure you He still makes men of that caliber. And if you're one of the guys that hangs out here - married or not married - I beg you to be that kind of guy.

It's the Weekly Recap!

* Last Sunday, I was so excited because it was my first time to go to a church dinner with Ryan. Well. Kind of. Since we've gone to the same church for so many years, I've eaten (in a group setting) with him before, but to go with him, was such a blessing. It's the little things for me. I love experiencing all those little things with him.

* Monday I saw this beautiful sunrise on my way to work. I just wanted to pull the car over and snap many pictures because it was so pretty! But alas, I'd have been late.

Monday evening I fell in love with DVR. Haven't ever had it before and now I do. Ryan told me it would spoil me. Boy was he ever right about that. I was so happy, I just curled up on the couch with my dinner and the remote. Sigh of joy.

* Tuesday evening was another chore/errand evening for me, and that included taking the time to work on this little Thanksgiving project for Ryan. I adore having someone to spoil!

* Wednesday I worked from home in the morning, and then I had the afternoon off work. Ryan invited me to visit his job for lunch, since they were having a carry-in - so I could meet the rest of his co-workers! I'd met some of them at a party a few weeks ago. I went for lunch and then ended up staying the rest of the afternoon, watching him work. I ADORED that so much. I'm so proud of him and how well he does his job! That evening, we worked hard on wedding hoopla - including printing our programs!

* I already told you about Thursday...our first Thanksgiving together. I was so thankful to have Ryan there to go with me to my parents' house for lunch - and it was good to be able to go with him to his family gatherings too. This is the kind of life that I just thoroughly enjoy sharing with him!

* Friday morning, Ryan had to work, so I went to get my hair cut and dyed before the wedding! No grays allowed at this event! Then he and I hopped in the car and drove to Indianapolis to do some other pre-wedding shopping. On Black Friday. What were we THINKING?!?!?!?!?!?!

* Saturday morning I stayed in bed until NOON working on my scrapbook! My last chance to scrap before I get married, so I made the most of it! Ryan came over for the afternoon and evening and we had the best time laughing and talking and cooking and doing laundry and cleaning and organizing and working on wedding craft projects! Braeya...not so much of a help. Always willing to participate, though!

Pinterest Inspiration: I feel like this one is cheating because I never actually saw this thing on Pinterest, but looking at all the "tell someone how thankful you are" pins led me to construct this little gift for Ryan:

I found these little cards and envelopes at Hobby Lobby. Bought some chipboard letters and glued them on to spell THANKSGIVING. On each card, I wrote something I was thankful for that began with that letter. He LOVED opening them!!

That's it, folks! Next Sunday, as you read, I'll be getting married!

Please Excuse My Engagement Brain

I hear women talk about having pregnant brain - where they are allowed to forget things without fault because they're pregnant. Well I won't know anything about that, but I think there's a similar condition called engagement brain, and I have it. And today my brain is going in 50,000 directions, so hopefully it's okay to do a bullet-point post today. :)

* Our wedding program is 16 pages long. Not kidding. If you're coming to the wedding, bring your readers.

* Our wedding is eight days away and I'm both pleasantly thrilled with how little there is left to do and simultaneously scared out of my mind at how much is left to accomplish.

* Last week, I entered my name into a Mid-Morning promo synopsis for the last time as Bekah Freelan. That was a strangely wonderful feeling.

* No, I'm not hyphenating my last name. Or keeping my maiden name. I've waited many years to change my name. Bring. It. On.

* I don't like Thanksgiving food. I realize that has nothing to do with the wedding, but I just ate an entire plate of leftovers and am reminded once again that this is not my favorite meal of the year. Why didn't the pilgrims eat pizza??

* Braeya unmakes the bed on a daily basis now. It's not even the dead of winter yet, but apparently she finds great comfort in burrowing into the deepest recesses of the bed, leaving me to wonder why I even bother to make the bed in the morning.

* If you want entertainment, follow Ryan and me around the mall on the evening of Black Friday. We are the two most impatient shoppers ever, and a mall full of people leaves us...ummmmm...well it's just funny. Add a screaming child and you can just forget it.

* Ryan and I caught part of the ALF marathon on TV the other evening. We decided it has some really bad acting but some of the best one-liners ever. Our current favorite, "It's Christmas Eve. I've hidden all the eggs." Not sure why we find that particular one so funny, but we do.

* This may be the first year in the history of years that on Thanksgiving night, I didn't have my Christmas letter written, my card ordered, and at least 32 hours of Fa La La La Lifetime viewing under my belt.

* To my credit, I did design my card but the stupid 50% off code that was supposed to still be valid would not apply. And this bride is NOT paying full price for Christmas cards, thankyouverymuch.

* Saying things like "stupid 50% off code" is about as close to being a bridezilla as I get. (About.)

That's my randomness for today. Any wedding questions? Feel free to ask. If I can answer without giving away a surprise...I will!

Our First Thanksgiving

Ryan and I had our first Thanksgiving together yesterday and I loved it! He came over early so we could go for a run before heading out for the festivities. We had SUCH a gorgeous day - apparently our last one for a while - so we drank it up. I called our run the "Shaffer Shuffle" (for him - because that's how slow he had to go to let me keep up with him) and the "Wedding Dress Waddle" for me.

 Then we made stuffing. Dressing. Whatever. He helped!! I love cooking with this guy. (And I screwed up the stuffing. SERIOUSLY Bekah? Who screws up stuffing???)

 One dozen gorgeous roses from Ryan. First dozen roses I've ever gotten from a boy!! I loved them SO much.

 And we're off to our first Thanksgiving dinner. It was at my parents' house.

 We took a little gift to my mother. She HATES Victoria's Secret. HATES it. Thinks everything in there is a little too...ummm....scandalous. So whenever I have the resources, I give her a gift in a Victoria's Secret bag. After two showers in one day, you can imagine how many little pranks like this I can pull!!

 The gift. Ryan works at a place called "West Campus," but Mom has always argued with me that it should really be "north" instead of "west." So to prove to her that he wasn't making that up, he got her one of the shirts that said West Campus.

She still argued.

 We had a blast with my family. And we got to show them our engagement video. That was fun. Mom wanted to be sure we watched it through the part where I talked about him helping to clean out the refrigerator. I think she wanted Dad to hear that part.

 Mom's candy is made. Let the holidays begin!!!!

 After we left my parents' house, we went to Ryan's grandma's house, where I got to meet more family. (I dialed down the Bekahrazzi there.) And on the way home, we stopped to see his mom! A very full and fun day which may or may not have left me....

....HUNGRY.

So guess where I went at 11 p.m.????

 Thoughts on the long drive thru wait......

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

Just Thankful

Two years ago on this day, I stood in my kitchen, dragging myself through the steps of cooking dressing for the family meal. With my heart still raw from wounds of the Isaac relationship, I grabbed my phone and texted him to tell him I knew he didn't feel the same way but that year, the only thing I could be thankful for was him.

I had no idea he was already in another relationship. I stood in a kitchen, clinging to the hope he'd want me again and he was already in love. With someone else.

Last year it was just too hard. Too hard to be here with all the memories. So I hopped a plane and flew to Kansas for a wonderful weekend with my sister, brother-in-law and niece. It was so healing. And yet in the wee hours of each morning, I snuggled into my bed and texted friends...the pang of being alone so strong. So strong.

My friend Joey texted me this week and said "I was just thinking about this time last year...you at your sister's for the holiday and so unsure about yourself. But you remained faithful and look at you now!"

My heart overflowed as I saw those words on my phone. He was right. There were days I didn't have the most faithful, grateful attitude, but praise the Lord...HE is always faithful, no matter what. And I'm so so grateful for His faithfulness.

I'm so grateful this man saw something in me and took the risk to ask me on a date.

I'm thankful for the hours of planning he puts into making life special for me - from the very first date. And I'm thankful when things don't go as planned, he's able to make plan B every bit as wonderful as the original.

I'm thankful he walks hand in hand with me through any...and every...day.

I'm thankful he loves coffee and we can enjoy coffee dates all the time.

I'm thankful he asked me to be his girlfriend - a memory I will always, always cherish.

I'm thankful he's the one I'm with when life gets inconvenient...and that we can make even those things fun!

I'm thankful he loves to go to the lake. I'm thankful he gets how I love water. And based on this picture, I'm thankful he loves me without makeup. :)

I'm thankful he embraces my job and enjoys attending events with me.

I'm thankful he encourages me to run - and that he runs with me, even though I'm an exercise liability.

I'm thankful not only THAT he proposed, but that he made it such an amazing day for me. What a gift!!! The words he spoke over me that day were beyond healing and saturated with comfort.

I'm thankful for someone to gallop in the rain with...even if it means he laughs at me. Grateful he loves me when I look like a drowned rat.

Thankful God gave me someone who pushes me beyond my limits and comforts me when I'm afraid.

So excited to have someone to celebrate - and someone who enjoys things like quiet nights at home with a good hot dog roast in a fire pit!

I'm thankful he lets me into his world and includes me (ALWAYS) in the things that are important to him - regardless of how ignorant about those things I might be.

I'm thankful to have a wonderful fiance to dance with. I've always wanted someone to dance with.

I'm thankful he's so tender and loving. Always.

Ryan Shaffer, I love you with all my heart. You are my biggest surprise and biggest blessing this year. I'm so thankful God thought to weave our life stories together. Thank you for taking a risk on an OCD, sometimes-too-dramatic girl. Thank you for calling me beautiful. Thank you for choosing me out of all the girls on the planet you could have picked. Thank you for encouraging me, caring for me, serving me, loving me, and allowing me to do all those things right back. You are my best friend, the love of my life, and  I cannot WAIT to marry you. I'm. So. Grateful. For. You.

~ Love, A.S. ~

The Six Month Prayer Project

The other day I received an email from a friend of mine asking me to pray with her for God to reveal to her something to pray about. Confused? Let me explain.

In her Sunday School class, they were challenged to focus on praying for one thing for six months and at the end of that six month span, to see how God had worked/moved/answered prayer. She wanted to make sure she prayed for something that was God-ordained and she wanted me to pray with her for wisdom in choosing her six month prayer. I promised to do so, and I went on my merry way.

Monday of this week, on Mid-Morning, Chuck Lynch was our guest. This guy is INCREDIBLE when it comes to family dynamics. He has been our guest before, and he talks about parents relating to adult children. His interviews are not just great for parents, but for people like me too – trying to figure out how to change the family dynamic now that I’m an adult and furthermore, an adult bringing a relationship into the picture.

Anyway. As he talked about the HUGE issue of guilt trips in families, he referenced these verses from Romans 12: Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will pay, says the Lord.” (vv. 17-19.)

And it was in that moment that my email conversation came back to me. Pray about something for six months and see what the Lord does.

Here’s the thing.

I have a relationship in my life that has gone…well…down the toilet. I have apparently offended the person and I have beat the daylights out of my brain trying to figure out what I possibly could have said or done to create such apparent hatred toward me – for YEARS now. She won’t speak to me, won’t even acknowledge my existence unless we’re in the same room together and then she’s syrupy sweet in a way that reminds me I’m detested but no one else is supposed to know. She’s quick to buddy up to our mutual friends, which makes her disdain toward me all the more apparent to me.

I won’t lie. It. Hurts.

I’ve tried to reach out. I’ve tried to be loving. And I’ve gone to the other extreme and tried to offer her a reprieve from me by purposely skipping out on events I know she’ll be at because I know she doesn’t want to see me. (And because I know I don’t want to end up sobbing the rest of the day. It’s not worth the heart-hurt to me.)

And Monday, as I sat at the engineering board, with my Bible open in my lap, staring at the verses from Romans 12, I knew what God was asking of me. She’s my six month prayer project. Every day until May 19^th…I commit to praying for her. About her. About us.

I won’t lie. I don’t want to do it.

In fact, that was the opening line in my prayer journal. “Okay. Okay God. I will pray. I don’t want to. I want to sit around and be mad and offended by her rude and unwarranted behavior. I don’t want to pray about it and even worse, I don’t want to pray FOR her. But I will. I do not have a clue what I have done to make her treat me with such disdain. I don’t know how I have offended her. I don’t know why she’s singled me out to treat me this way. But it has to be miserable to be caught up in so much bondage.”

I don’t know what God is going to do in these six months. Perhaps He’ll soften her heart toward me and cause these many years of anger or offense or grudge-holding or whatever it is to melt away. Perhaps He’ll soften my heart toward her so that I don’t develop a fresh ulcer at the mere mention of her name. Perhaps He’ll tear down the massive wall constructed between us and create a bond neither of us can imagine on this day. I don’t know. But I know I’m committing to pray.

And I say this today because maybe you’ll join me? I don’t mean in praying FOR me (though goodness knows I’m not going to turn it down. HELLO!) But maybe you need to do a six month prayer too. For a situation. For a person. For a heart-hurt. Maybe?

Think about it. And if He leads you to…join me.

Grace

I'm just learning about grace. It's not something I excel at...giving or receiving.

I keep an old email in my inbox...a conversation I had with a writing professor in 1999. (Yes. 1999.)

I missed class in the fall of my senior year, which marked the first time I'd ever missed class for any reason in four years of college. In a panic, I wrote to the professor: I want to apologize for missing class today. In four years of college, I have never missed any class for any reason. Today was a first for me. I did not intend to miss, but I had a kind of personal problem that I had to take care of at that time. I'm sorry for missing, and I wanted to explain that I wasn't just taking a nap or something. I talked to Deanna, and I'll get the handout from her. If there's anything else I need to do to make up my absence, I'll be happy to do it. I promise this won't happen again.

The professor had a pretty strict attendance policy, so I waited somewhat uncomfortably for her response. It came a short time later:  You're entitled. Don't think anything about it. We missed you.

What is this?

It's grace.

That was 1999. It is now 2012 and I still struggle to get the grace thing. I get rules. I don't get grace.

This past Saturday, Ryan and I planned to work around my house, getting the yard whipped into shape (his project) and the house whipped into shape (my project) so we won't come back to a big mess after our honeymoon. And we had a service guy coming to the house for an installation.

He was scheduled to come between 8-12 and showed up a little more between 1 and 2. Right when Ryan and I had settled in to eat lunch. I continued scarfing chicken and veggies while Ryan went outside to meet him and give him the unofficial tour. Of course there were a few things he didn't know, so now and then I dashed outside in my socks and hobbled over rocks to deliver information, all the while inwardly grumbling that my house "nesting" project was interrupted.

As I eagerly dove into cabinet reorganization, Ryan popped in the back door, gave me one of those gorgeous smiles and said, "Hey I have to go under the house. The guy can't fit under there. I'll be back."

I snatched wrapping from around the gifts I was unpacking while not-so-silently grumbling that the man should be able to do his job by himself, not with the help of the homeowner.

As I happily stacked my newly stocked containers in the cabinet, I heard the two of them laughing and exchanging conversation in the backyard. I glanced out the window to see Ryan leaning on the rake talking with the guy who was standing in the middle of the leaf disaster.

The Martha in me overtook the Mary and I grumbled about waning daylight hours and how much work Ryan planned to get done and how it would bother him if it didn't get done...

I looked up from my organizing on the kitchen floor to see Ryan's face peeking in the back door again. "Hey do we have any coffee? He could use some. It's a little cold out here." I rolled my eyes in the direction of the coffee pot. There was about a cup left.

I tried to have a good attitude about it as I made a fresh pot and went back to my organizing. At last, Ryan came in and I thought everything was about done...but apparently not. Apparently they'd moved to the indoor portion of the festivities. I looked at the leaf-covered backyard, with the rake abandoned and became (in my opinion) righteously indignant. I pushed the last of my nesting aside and rather noisily donned my hoodie. Trying to even my tone, I said, "Honey were were planning to mulch or bag the leaves?" He said, "Oh we can bag them later."

Probably in not nearly as nice a tone as I intended, I pointed at the imaginary watch on my left wrist and said, "Well we don't have a lot of daylight left. I'll go rake."

And y'all, I punished the HOOEY out of that yard, angrily raking leaves into enormous piles and shoving them deep into leaf bags. All the while, hot tears rolled down my face and I caught short, sharp breaths between my silent sobs. This was not fair. I was not supposed to be out here doing yard work by myself while Ryan helped the service guy do his own job.

Oh Bekah.

Grace. Grace.

After he left (which probably wisely took place after I departed to shop for more leaf bags), I handed Ryan a Coke and a Reese peanut butter tree (my meager attempt at a peace offering) and dissolved into tears in his arms. And that wonderful man, without one single ounce of condemnation in his eyes or voice, gently wiped away my tears and explained that the man had a very long day, and had another job yet to go to after leaving us. That crawling under the house had been Ryan's offering. That the coffee was just a nice gesture he was happy to give.

Grace.

I need to learn it. And I'm so glad to walk through life with a man who gets it.

Work Shower

Can you handle ONE more shower recap? Last one, I promise! The ladies at my work threw the most lovely shower at a little tea room in Fort Wayne. It was so darling!! They worked so hard on all the little decorations...which were just lovely!

 I received lots of beautiful gifts...and here's a sampling. Jeri made us a collage of our engagement photos. Sigh of happiness. :)

 A classic Bekah face. :) This is a lighted table runner. I'd never seen such a thing before and CLEARLY mask surprise so well.

 Just in case you've not seen one either....

 Ryan and I are both a bit...ahem...OCD...so we were elated to receive TWO sets of these pantry organization sets. (Now if I only had a pantry!!)

 These ladies made it IMpossible to get into the gifts. IMpossible.

 His and Hers coffee mugs. Ahhhh how cute we'll be at church. :)

 Lynne prayed for me. :)

 And because we'd not gotten pictures like this at my other showers - a picture with the mama.

Had such a fun night - so appreciated all the hard work that went into the showers!! Thanks, WBCL!!!