Egypts and Promised Lands

The last two sermons I've heard our pastor preach have had me literally on the edge of my seat. I'm not sure he's preaching to anyone else these days. But he sure is preaching the daylights out of the next to the last row on the organ side.

Sunday he preached about preparing for the Promised Land. My heart stung a little bit. When Isaac and I talked about our wilderness/desert, our goal was always to get to the Promised Land. And I won't lie. I still have an internal struggle wrapping my mind around why that did not happen.

This past weekend was tough for me. Really tough. In the recounting of my desert to you, we haven't yet gotten to the fourth of July. That was the all time low point for me this year. My entire life has literally never hit a lower moment - ever - than it did on the fourth of July.

I thought, though, that Thanksgiving was going to be right behind it. You may or may not have noticed there were no recap posts or pictures of the day. That was because I didn't really want to remember it. I struggled so hard to be thankful. I have, and I'm so aware of it, HUNDREDS of things to be thankful for. I do know it. And I can even list them.

But in the middle of all that, I find myself on the brink of my Promised Land...alone. Alone and terribly, terribly missing Isaac. Missing him and wondering why he wouldn't come with me. Respecting his decision to take another path, but still wondering why he wanted to take that road instead of being with me.

God has been so good to give me little snippets of understanding along the way. Just a tiny piece at a time. And as my pastor preached Sunday about the entry to the Promised Land, he reminded us that God saw the cries and hurts of the people when they were in Egypt.

And I have had cries and hurts. And I've said (among other things) to the Lord, "Do you even see me anymore? Do you even care? Are you even still participating!?!?" And of course, I know He is. Logically I do know that. But you've had those moments. Those times when you just wonder...is He there at all?

And He took me out of my Egypt. He carried me through the deep wounds and droughts of the desert. And He deposited me here in the Promised Land. I've had a lot of fights since I got here. Marching around and around, waiting for victory...finding more heartbreak along the way...waiting some more.

But this I can tell you. Though at times running back to Egypt seems tempting (because at least I know what to expect there) - I do not want to go. I want to stay here and fight for this thing. It's the Promised Land, for goodness' sake. It's worth whatever fight it requires. I want to fight with everything in me and win the promise the Lord has for me.

That was the snippet I learned Sunday. God promised that land to His people. But they didn't keep up their end of the bargain. And as a result, God took away what He'd promised them. Someone else got the blessing instead. I don't want that. I don't want someone else to get my blessing. I want it. I have no idea what I'm asking here, I'm sure. I have no idea how much more fight will be required of me before I enjoy the land of milk and honey. But I will fight. That I know.

Y'all, I'm exhausted. it's been a year. Well, technically not quite, but let's not split hairs. I don't know that I have fight left in me. But if it's wha God asks of me to get the Promise...I'm fightin.

A Look Back at January

Last week, I had a few (very few) spare minutes and decided to start reflecting on this year. It's almost December, and I'm the sort of person who likes to wrap up a year. So I went back and read through my January blog posts.

WOW.
God was setting up the year right and left, and I had no clue.

This is what I wrote on January 1:

And then I remembered this verse...one I learned years ago..."So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10 - God knew. He saw the hurt and confusion and joy all fighting for first place in my heart and head.



I had no clue that would become the theme for the year. But He had a clue. (By the way - this was the verse Grandma Sue quoted to me when she and I first started talking about Isaac.)
From January 3:

In my mind, I can see the potential that is the office-to-be. I can see the book collection lining the yet-to-arrive shelves. I can see the pictures and baskets of desk supplies. It would be pretty tempting to close the door to that room until “reveal day” and then enter with my mug of steaming coffee and my creative mind…and write masterpieces.
Well, I am not sure about the masterpieces part, but I'm thrilled to say the office-to-be is assembled and the book collection looks just as it did in my mind's eye!!
From January 5:
R.I.P., Mr. and Mrs. Mouse. Once I know you did not procreate in my humble abode, I (hopefully) will find a measure of peace myself.
Some things just don't end. I think I'll save that story for later this week.
From January 8:

But mostly, what I have learned about myself is that my well-intentioned goals, resolutions, covenants, and commitments have put me in boxes that keep me from allowing God to be at work in my life. I am a good rule-follower, but if God would happen to want to do something outside what I'd prescribed, He'd be out of luck.

So this year is His. I'm disciplining myself in the areas of study, exercise and writing, but He takes it from there. If I need to loosen up some of my legalistic patterns, He's got the room to teach me how. If I need to buckle down on something, I have the time for Him to help me make it happen.
Oh Bekah. What were you ASKING!?!!
From January 10:
I think we should look at our situations, even if they’re internal, and decide if they’re worth a dollar of energy…or just ten cents. We need to decide their worth. Not what others would say.
And if they’re worth a dollar…then get in there and spend some energy. Fight. Clean up. Work hard. And if they’re only worth ten cents…then pay the dime and move on.
I think I paid my life savings this year. And I'd do it again - because it was worth it.
From January 15:
I'm hardly an expert. I think if they start a new reality show called The Slowest Loser, I'd make a great contestant.
Didn't expect the weight loss plan I ended up on this year, but after looking at last year's Christmas pictures, I'd say I'd no longer win my aforementioned show.
From January 17:

Planner-people don’t like foggy lives. Anything less than full visibility into the steps ahead is just plain annoying. And yet there are days – like the ones this weekend – when life is full of thick, heavy, choking fog. And while I technically did have a choice about whether or not I was going to drive in it, life does not offer the same option. Life must be lived.

But just like the fog outside my car caused me to occasionally turn down the music and turn up the prayers, the foggy life drives me to my prayer journal and my open Bible. I recognize…more than ever…in those moments that I am dependent…because I can’t see. And I have no power to change that.
Can we say FORESHADOWING???
From January 20:
This is from my quick comment on a new writing idea I had pulled out and begun to research...

And I think it's about to grow. I thought the idea was just going to be a chapter of a larger work. But after I started...I have a feeling it's going to grow and take on a life of its own. Typical with me. :)

Know what it was about? Consecrated time with the Lord. When He sets apart a chunk of time...

From January 23:
I'm still probably on the "high strung" list, but I've mellowed. I think so many years of things not going my way have pushed me to just not insist on having such a scripted way. Make a plan. Know that in all likelihood, it will change. Allow a few moments to work through the alteration. Embrace what really happens. And write about it because it's probably funny.

I wouldn't put this year on the funny list - and probably won't ever put it there. But it sure did mellow me. Yes it did.

From January 24:
This was in response to the reading in Streams in the Desert that day - where the writer talked about how the rests in music are just as important as the notes.

The rests count. And sometimes the rests make the parts that follow all the better.
And I don't mind telling you - this year has been the rest. I'm ready for God to bring on the downbeat.
From January 26:


The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

...Deuteronomy 31:8

Trans-Siberian Orchestra

My best friend, Lynnette, and her husband, Mark, were home for Thanksgiving. (They're the ones I visited in Virginia Beach earlier this year.)

They are huge fans of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. I was first introduced to their music a few years back when Mark, Lynnette, and I went to Frankenmuth, Michigan, after Thanksgiving one year. They played it in the car on the way up and back...and I enjoyed it. So, when they asked if I wanted to hang out yesterday and go with them to the concert, I said sure!

The concert was down at Conseco Fieldhouse. Let the record show this is my second trip there this year!

Lynnette and me. We were FREEZING.

The guys started out on these platforms held up by cables. I would have passed out.

We sat in the snow zone and got snowed on!

Very cool light show...

I prefer this sort of snow to real snow...

Loved it!!

Pyrotechnics. Did I even spell that right?? Sure was glad I'd straightened my hair. No time to be a fire hazard yesterday!!

The vocalists were pretty amazing. I can't sing all that well standing still. Forget jumping around and singing!

I liked this lil shot that my camera did for me...

The guy in front of me (to the left) blocked my view most of the day. :(

The drummer - he was really good!!

My favorite picture of the night.

Liked this one too!!

Grand finale! That violin player was amazing.

TSO, baby!

Best friends!!!

Great concert...great to spend the day with my friends! Thanks, guys!

Baby Julia

Ohhhh people. Bekah is POOPED.

It's been a long week that has taken me from super excited to super melted down - and everywhere in between. Yesterday I finally garnered the courage to put up my Christmas decorations. Most of them, anyway. I could not manage to get started...it was just one of those things that was hard to do without Isaac.

Had I started earlier in the day like I should have...I would have been done by bedtime. But I kept stalling....rearranging 2 rooms of furniture, hauling furniture to the garage, ironing curtains (!?!?!!?!?! When I start ironing, you know I'm stalling.) So, alas, it is not done.

Meanwhile, last Saturday, I got to meet the newest baby in Bekahland. Baby Julia. She was born earlier this month and was MUCH bigger than her sister had been. Oh her poor Mama!! But big or small, she was all cuteness!

Anna and Julia...well, and Bekah.

We were trying to get Anna to give Julia a kiss. So it started with some asking nicely...

And then she decided to think about it for a while...

Okay....there you go!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm excited to get to watch Julia grow up and I'm sure she and Anna will have MUCH fun together!

Cookie Palooza

You know how I love to stamp?

It's for a reason.

My creative skills (when not prefabricated into a stamp)...are questionable at best. But I will give anything a shot! (Almost, anyway.) So my friend Angi asked if I'd like to go with her to a cookie decorating class at Country Kitchen SweetArt in Ft. Wayne. Well, sure! So Tuesday night, after the big book signing, we headed north to learn all about decorating cookies. (I should add here that Angi is a cake decorator - and a good one, at that. I'm a cake consumer. And a good one, at that.)

It was a really cool class. Three hours, sixteen things to bring home! Even though my results are a little on the embarrassing side...I thought I'd share them with you.


All the cookies had been made for us before we arrived. These two had also been iced with what we learned was "Run Sugar" icing. So we had this blank white canvas to work with. I had to draw Santa's face on him...which was laughable at best because I can't draw. I tried to copy off her cookie, but my pen (we used pens inked with food coloring) had a much fatter tip than the one she had used, so my Santa looked weird. I tried coloring his face peach (to separate it from his white beard) but he ended up looking sunburned with a bit of black outline mixed in. Woops. Oh well. And the ornament was painted with food coloring and water...and the silver part at the top was done with some edible powder mixed with lemon oil.

These were fun. We tried our hand at fondant icing. It was all pre-made and pre-colored for us. We just rolled it out and cut it in the shape of the cookie. We also used big plastic sheets that were embossed with patterns. If you rolled it over the fondant on one side, it impressed down into the fondant (which is what I did on the tree). If you rolled it using the other side, it pulled the pattern out of the fondant (which is what I did on the mitten and snowflake). These cookies were extra thick!!

Up close...the snowflake and the tree. I also used a gold dusting powder over the tree.

The mitten was my favorite. I used a little decorating tip to fluff up the white part to look like fur.

This was my favorite part, I think. We used a run sugar glaze, and it was about my most successful adventure. I was too chicken to try to mix up the glaze, but I used what other people had made to decorate these cookies. I did the white dots on the purple candy cane while the purple was still wet, so it all melded. If I'd had more time and could have let the purple dry before I did the white, the white would have given an extra dimension to the cookie.

I would just like to offer a disclaimer on my gingerbread people. When we decorated the cookies, there were all these different stations to visit and I went to this one last. By that time, most of the chocolate (the features were made using melted chocolate in tubes, not icing) was gone, so I didn't have a lot of options on colors. Plus...the chocolate had started to harden up a bit in the tubes from being out of the heat so long...and the tips were thick, so detail wasn't easy.

As a result...my girl looks like she's wearing meat. Even the instructor agreed. She said it looked like Lady Gaga's meat dress.

Yep.

We also tried our hand at using buttercream frosting...which I think I could perhaps come to sort of master...if I could try again. But alas...it was my first time with the decorating tips and bags...so...um....

The tree looked like something out of Monster's Inc.

The snowman crossed the line into inappropriate in a couple of ways.

And my poinsettia looks like a fire.

We dipped Ritz crackers in chocolate and then placed these little squares of plastic over them. They had some sort of edible design on one side and after the chocolate hardened, we pulled off the plastic and the design was on the cracker!

CUTEST project ever. These were snowflake cookies on sucker sticks that we dipped in blue chocolate. After it hardened, we piped white chocolate on it to make the detail. After THAT hardened, we dusted it with silver dust and stuck it down in a flower pot and covered the sticks with blue and white M&M's.

I think I might just try one or two new things at the Christmas baking festivities this year!!

IWU Bookstore Signing

Happy Thanksgiving! I think it's pretty appropriate that I have pictures to share with you from my last book signing...because the book is one of my greatest blessings this year. It has been a bright spot in the middle of the heartache!

This was the first time I saw my book on a shelf with other books...so exciting!

The IWU Bookstore offered a signing to me - which I really appreciated! It was over a couple hours at lunch on Tuesday - and they put me right there at the entrance at a little table!

I had a bunch of visitors - some already had books but just came to support me, which I absolutely appreciated! This is Angi (remember her from the crafting weekend?) and her husband Greg. He works in my office. He was a good boy and wore his nametag that day. I was a rebel. Anyway. They brought me a frappe to energize me. Oh WOW was it good. The most carameled frappe I've ever had!!

Another work buddy - and great support to me this year especially! This is Kristin. She happened to have the day off and was able to come through town to see me! Thanks for making the trip up, Kristin! I miss you this week at work!

This beautiful lady was my second grade Sunday School teacher! It was in her class that I learned to look up Bible verses. She was also a HUGE support to me as I grew up - really a champion for me at church. I appreciate her so much!

Jonathan dressed up for the occasion. Okay that's a lie. He had a recital. :) But doesn't it sound good to say he dressed up just for this? He, by the way, wins the prize for being the first person to ever buy my book! He ordered it online the minute I told him it was live and ready!

These lovely ladies are my work buddies. Sandee and Tammy work next door to me in the Business Office and believe me - they put up with a LOT of stories and drama.

I love this girl! This is Judy, my work neighbor. She already had a book, but she wanted me to sign her hand and she said she'd never EVER wash it. LOL!!!!!

My Dad was manning the front door to the bookstore throughout the signing and when the IWU President wandered by, he ended up inside buying my book. Dad SAYS he came in of his own accord...goodness I hope so! :)

Speaking of Dad...here are my parents with me. The book is dedicated to them! They sacrificed significantly so I could go to college to learn this craft!

Pat Travis...who works down in our Registrar's Office...and is a SWEET friend of mine. She was running behind in getting to the signing and actually called the bookstore to make sure I would stay until she got there. :) Love her!

My work has been beyond understanding this week while I've been out on book stuff. They're great and I'm so glad I had the chance to do a signing right there where I work!

Wilderness Wednesday

I said on the radio Monday, when asked about my blog...that writing about the wilderness was opening my eyes to things I couldn't see in the moments they were happening. This is just such a moment. I remember this day with frightening accuracy...and yet now I see it in a whole different light.

I was still in Tennessee...

Isaiah 8:17 – “I will wait for the Lord who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob. I will put my trust in Him.”
I did feel like God was hiding His face from me and I had to verbally remind myself to keep my trust in Him even when it hurt.

We headed to the pool that morning, but I wasn’t feeling well, so I stayed on the side of the pool and prayed, read, slept, and wrote:

This is hard. I’m at the pool now and struggling. Fear not…for I am with You...Do not be dismayed, for I AM YOUR GOD. I will strengthen you and help you and uphold you with my righteous right hand. I trust You, Jesus. Trust You with my man. Trust You to love us both. Trust You to work in both of us.
I came home from the pool and misery so engulfed my heart that I absolutely panicked. I excused myself to the front porch and tried to call Sue Ann. (Remember Grandma Sue?) She didn’t answer, and I believe now it was because God had another divine appointment all lined up. I called Julie Crandall, since she had just been emailing me…and she answered. I sobbed in her ear as I confessed my contact with Isaac the night before (he had been online and we chatted for a while even though God had told me to leave him alone) and my absolute inability to let go of him even though I knew it’s what I should do. She offered to pray for me and to keep me accountable in my time of trouble.

Once I stopped sobbing and hiccuping, I went back inside and retreated to the shower again. While I was in there, this hymn came from “nowhere” to my mind: “But we never can prove the delights of His love until all on the altar we lay; for the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows, are for them who will trust and obey.” I had to look up the words to that hymn, because I’d not heard it forever. And when I did, I found this verse I’d forgotten: “Not a burden we bear…not a sorrow we share, but our toil He doth richly repay; Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross, but is blest if we trust and obey." And I told God I would trust Him in all things – even as Isaac taught me to pray. (He almost always said that at some point in his prayers with me – “We trust You in all things.”)

And I journaled, …oh how precious our time earlier on the porch. My heart broke with the disappointment and the enormity of it all.
And I know I won’t even be able to recall it all, but You met me there on the porch – so beautifully and asked me again to trust You. To BELIEVE that my sweet man will come back to me, choose me, marry me, love me. You asked me to leave it with You and to trust You completely. Lord, let the sacrifice of my love for him on the altar delight You. Be glorified, even now in this, oh Father.
(I will admit that looking back on this prayer, I see that the end is very different. I've made peace with the reality that he chose NOT to come back, choose me, marry me, and love me. I do still believe that was God's plan for us. But I will say - and you will eventually see the struggle that got me to this statement - that I do not believe God was lying to me, nor do I believe He was unfaithful because this did not happen. But in those moments, I was called to believe it would come to pass, and I did it. And I'm thankful I stuck to that conviction, even when people told me to walk away from it.)

Sweet Holy Spirit, hold us both. And help me withstand the fire – the refining fire. And I can tell you from this side of the journey - God did that. He helped me withstand the fire.

Holy Father, I’m just tired. Help me to rest in its embrace. You are my Jesus. I choose You. Even in this pain.


It had rained some in the afternoon, so we stayed in that evening, playing, packing up to be ready to leave in the morning…having fun. After the girls went to bed and Faith and I retreated to our computers, I decided to pull out Beth Moore’s Get Out of That Pit book. I had packed it in case I felt like reading, though I highly suspected I would NOT feel like it. But in that moment, I did, so I pulled it out. I could not write fast enough. I share this part with you because it wasn't just a "good quote" for that evening. This particular excerpt reshaped the way I viewed the desert.

This made me cringe. She quotes from Psalm 78 – “In spite of all God’s wonders, they did not believe. So he ended their days in futility. – Here’s the important part: They did not believe in God or trust His deliverance.” Oh precious Savior – DON’T let me go there.
I like this: “If we approach God humbly for instantaneous deliverance, knowing good and well He can give it, yet He chooses instead to use the wagon of time, He’s writing history with each ponderous turn of the wheel and you’re riding shotgun. Good stories don’t jump on a page. They toss and turn, ebb and flow, rise and fall, just like the heaving chest of Adam as God first breathed that soul into his brand new corpse…we may have to wait for deliverance while the vehicle of time jolts and lurches, but we never have to wait on God Himself.” I love that. Thank You.

Oh God! She says here, “As you read the Psalmist’s description of having ‘waited patiently for the Lord,’ Don’t get the idea that he sat around in the mire, sinking deeper every minute, telling God to take all the time He needed. The phrase ‘waited patiently’ is translated…expect…He postured himself in absolute expectation. He had a goal, and his shoulders would not slump till he saw it fulfilled. His Deliverer was coming, and on His way, fighting battles and blazing paths somewhere beyond the Psalmist’s gaze.” I am impassioned by that description.
She also says the word means “to lie in wait for someone…to expect, await, look for patiently, hope; to be confident, trust, to be enduring…adopting a watchman’s posture. After we’ve cried out to the one and only true Deliverer, we are exhorted by Scripture to exercise unwavering and daily confidence that God is coming to our rescue….Anticipate your absolute, inevitable deliverance.” YES!

Sweet Father, thank You! Please inspire me to wait in hope before You. Help me to bless You and delight You with a spirit of eagerness. But I need your help to live in it. Jesus, I want to honor You! Bless You! Glorify You!

Radio!!

I am SO EXCITED to tell you about my trip to WBCL! Of course, because I live for such things, I have pictures for you. :)

Here's a little tour of my day. First of all...I got to see my name on the weekly schedule. That was pretty exciting! (Yes, I took a picture of the screen. Come on...you know you love my quirks.)

So yesterday morning, I left home about 8:00 (vacation days don't always equal sleep, you know) with a big mug of coffee and my attempt at a trendy outfit. Yes, I know it's radio and it doesn't matter what I wear. But you know you can do a better interview when you feel festive. It was my first time with a sweater dress. I was nervous.


The radio station was just a little over an hour away from home - and I could have done a phone interview, but I really wanted the whole experience. And my boss told me I had to go. Had to do it in person. No argument there! So I drove up...no Larry the GPS this time. Also no printer ink at the moment, so I had my hand-copied googled directions in my lap. The bad thing about that operation is the paper doesn't say TURN HERE. So I definitely missed the turn and had to do some hunting. But I found it!!

The Mid-Morning program was actually already underway when I arrived at the studio. I was probably 3 miles away from the station when it began and I heard Lynne, the host, say my name as a guest. I screamed in the car. Yes. I did.


When I arrived, they took me back to the studio, and I got to sit right here:

Jamie, the producer, brought me a water bottle and I put on the headphones and listened to the other guests, who were all call-in interviews. I especially enjoyed the author right before me, because she also wrote a Christmas book! (She's the same author who wrote The Christmas Shoes...) And then it was my turn.

Gulp.

The only technical glitch was that my microphone wasn't turned on when I started talking. So if you listened on the archive and wondered what you missed...it was "Good morning." There. Now your day is complete.

This is Lynne, who interviewed me...

She was SO gracious. When it came time for me to talk, I seriously considered throwing up, but I just turned my chair to focus on her and it really felt like it was just the two of us having a conversation without the hundreds (thousands?) of people out there listening. She put me right at ease. She'd very kindly emailed me a list of possible questions the day before the interview, so I had some time to formulate responses that hopefully excluded the word "um." I really enjoyed the talk - and even though I got some extra questions I hadn't known were coming - I felt right at home answering them!

This is Jamie - who felt just like a kindred spirit. Since I was the last interview of the morning, we stood around talking for a while after, and I just loved sharing with both of them! They were so encouraging...about the interview...the sweater dress experiment...my writing...my current story in life. (Lynne asked me to share a bit about the blog, so I was excited about that!)

It was so fun, after it was over, to see all the texts my friends sent to encourage me - and I had a bunch of notes on Facebook, too, so that was fun! I worry so much about over-Bekah-ing everyone this Christmas. Really do not want to do that. So to feel so loved and supported was great. (Apparently my office buddies all tuned in at their desks and got some simultaneous laughs over some of my Bekah-lines.)

It was just the best possible day. I loved being there with them, I loved the feedback they gave me, and I loved knowing God was and is at work behind the scenes of even a radio spot!

This radio station is very near to my heart. You know the six a.m. serenade?? Yep - this station! It was very special for me to be able to talk about the book on their airwaves. Thank you so much, Lynne and Jamie, for being gracious hostesses! You made my day!