Wilderness Wednesday

I said on the radio Monday, when asked about my blog...that writing about the wilderness was opening my eyes to things I couldn't see in the moments they were happening. This is just such a moment. I remember this day with frightening accuracy...and yet now I see it in a whole different light.

I was still in Tennessee...

Isaiah 8:17 – “I will wait for the Lord who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob. I will put my trust in Him.”
I did feel like God was hiding His face from me and I had to verbally remind myself to keep my trust in Him even when it hurt.

We headed to the pool that morning, but I wasn’t feeling well, so I stayed on the side of the pool and prayed, read, slept, and wrote:

This is hard. I’m at the pool now and struggling. Fear not…for I am with You...Do not be dismayed, for I AM YOUR GOD. I will strengthen you and help you and uphold you with my righteous right hand. I trust You, Jesus. Trust You with my man. Trust You to love us both. Trust You to work in both of us.
I came home from the pool and misery so engulfed my heart that I absolutely panicked. I excused myself to the front porch and tried to call Sue Ann. (Remember Grandma Sue?) She didn’t answer, and I believe now it was because God had another divine appointment all lined up. I called Julie Crandall, since she had just been emailing me…and she answered. I sobbed in her ear as I confessed my contact with Isaac the night before (he had been online and we chatted for a while even though God had told me to leave him alone) and my absolute inability to let go of him even though I knew it’s what I should do. She offered to pray for me and to keep me accountable in my time of trouble.

Once I stopped sobbing and hiccuping, I went back inside and retreated to the shower again. While I was in there, this hymn came from “nowhere” to my mind: “But we never can prove the delights of His love until all on the altar we lay; for the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows, are for them who will trust and obey.” I had to look up the words to that hymn, because I’d not heard it forever. And when I did, I found this verse I’d forgotten: “Not a burden we bear…not a sorrow we share, but our toil He doth richly repay; Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross, but is blest if we trust and obey." And I told God I would trust Him in all things – even as Isaac taught me to pray. (He almost always said that at some point in his prayers with me – “We trust You in all things.”)

And I journaled, …oh how precious our time earlier on the porch. My heart broke with the disappointment and the enormity of it all.
And I know I won’t even be able to recall it all, but You met me there on the porch – so beautifully and asked me again to trust You. To BELIEVE that my sweet man will come back to me, choose me, marry me, love me. You asked me to leave it with You and to trust You completely. Lord, let the sacrifice of my love for him on the altar delight You. Be glorified, even now in this, oh Father.
(I will admit that looking back on this prayer, I see that the end is very different. I've made peace with the reality that he chose NOT to come back, choose me, marry me, and love me. I do still believe that was God's plan for us. But I will say - and you will eventually see the struggle that got me to this statement - that I do not believe God was lying to me, nor do I believe He was unfaithful because this did not happen. But in those moments, I was called to believe it would come to pass, and I did it. And I'm thankful I stuck to that conviction, even when people told me to walk away from it.)

Sweet Holy Spirit, hold us both. And help me withstand the fire – the refining fire. And I can tell you from this side of the journey - God did that. He helped me withstand the fire.

Holy Father, I’m just tired. Help me to rest in its embrace. You are my Jesus. I choose You. Even in this pain.


It had rained some in the afternoon, so we stayed in that evening, playing, packing up to be ready to leave in the morning…having fun. After the girls went to bed and Faith and I retreated to our computers, I decided to pull out Beth Moore’s Get Out of That Pit book. I had packed it in case I felt like reading, though I highly suspected I would NOT feel like it. But in that moment, I did, so I pulled it out. I could not write fast enough. I share this part with you because it wasn't just a "good quote" for that evening. This particular excerpt reshaped the way I viewed the desert.

This made me cringe. She quotes from Psalm 78 – “In spite of all God’s wonders, they did not believe. So he ended their days in futility. – Here’s the important part: They did not believe in God or trust His deliverance.” Oh precious Savior – DON’T let me go there.
I like this: “If we approach God humbly for instantaneous deliverance, knowing good and well He can give it, yet He chooses instead to use the wagon of time, He’s writing history with each ponderous turn of the wheel and you’re riding shotgun. Good stories don’t jump on a page. They toss and turn, ebb and flow, rise and fall, just like the heaving chest of Adam as God first breathed that soul into his brand new corpse…we may have to wait for deliverance while the vehicle of time jolts and lurches, but we never have to wait on God Himself.” I love that. Thank You.

Oh God! She says here, “As you read the Psalmist’s description of having ‘waited patiently for the Lord,’ Don’t get the idea that he sat around in the mire, sinking deeper every minute, telling God to take all the time He needed. The phrase ‘waited patiently’ is translated…expect…He postured himself in absolute expectation. He had a goal, and his shoulders would not slump till he saw it fulfilled. His Deliverer was coming, and on His way, fighting battles and blazing paths somewhere beyond the Psalmist’s gaze.” I am impassioned by that description.
She also says the word means “to lie in wait for someone…to expect, await, look for patiently, hope; to be confident, trust, to be enduring…adopting a watchman’s posture. After we’ve cried out to the one and only true Deliverer, we are exhorted by Scripture to exercise unwavering and daily confidence that God is coming to our rescue….Anticipate your absolute, inevitable deliverance.” YES!

Sweet Father, thank You! Please inspire me to wait in hope before You. Help me to bless You and delight You with a spirit of eagerness. But I need your help to live in it. Jesus, I want to honor You! Bless You! Glorify You!