The Saturday Six

One.
Ready to organize another corner of the world? Contact list week!! Whether you keep a paper address book or an online contact list...time to peek through it. Delete, update, consolidate...whatever you need to do! I tend to forget this chore until Christmas card season and then I'm scrambling to find where someone moved...a year ago. This is a great week to gather all that up and simplify the mess that might comprise your current system. Happy streamlining!


Two.

Source

Last week, I told you how Beth Moore celebrated 20 years of publishing Bible studies with Lifeway. Did you guys see this piece of artwork they gave her as a gift? It's made from the pages and covers of her books. I cannot imagine anything more amazing to receive as an author!

Three.

Source

It's been five years since I stumbled through the bleakness of the desert, struggling for breath and hope. I have asked God not to let me forget the desperation of that season, even in the new seasons in which I celebrate. Every day on Mid-Morning, I hear phone calls and read emails from people who are there NOW. Deserts are relentless and merciless. This post: so well stated. Worth the read.

Four.

Source

It's possible I may need one of these shirts. I'm not kidding. {If you watch Fixer Upper, you'll understand.}

Five.

Source

And because you can't possibly talk TOO MUCH about Fixer Upper, {at least I believe}...this tour of Chip and Joanna's real life house is pretty amazing. I would like the coffee bar please.

Six.

Source

If you crochet...you might like this website, recently launched by my friend, Rebecca. It's called Crochet Trendy, and it's a directory of free patterns for all kinds of crochet fun...from hats to scarves and more. I think it's a pretty amazing resource!!

Thankfulness, Part 1

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I wanted to spend today and tomorrow sharing some things that make me extra thankful. I'm thankful for much more than these two lists say, but in honor of Thanksgiving, I wanted to share these this week!

1. Ryan's big family.

I grew up in a pretty little family. My dad is an only child, and my mom only has one sister. And I'm the caboose. So our holidays gatherings were pretty small - and even smaller once my grandparents died and all the cousins scattered across the U.S.A. So you can imagine my joy when I married into a family full of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, and nephews! This picture is probably a quarter of the whole crew - and I do think I've learned everyone's name now - but it's a joy to be part of a big family! 

2. The desert.

It's been four full years now since I walked the desert road, and while it was a long, hot, dark, and exhausting season of my life, I remain thankful for it. I'm thankful for the dependence on the Lord it taught me, I'm thankful for the strength in me it uncovered, and I'm thankful for the way it taught me that God can redeem even the most desperate, hopeless times. I am the girl I am today because of that desert, and I am thankful for it. 

3. The long home sale journey.

Ryan and I never DREAMED, almost two years ago, when we put his house on the market, that it would be the ordeal it has become. We put it up for sale on our own and immediately got a bite and we believed that family would make it their forever home. A year later, they'd moved out, and we were heartbroken and burned by the debacle it became. We spent months cleaning and repairing the damage and put it back on the market. A few months in, we got an offer and had no idea it would take FOUR MONTHS to close on the offer - and that is HOPING it actually happens within a few days like we've been promised {again}. This has been the longest, most exhausting, faith-testing walk of our marriage, and we are tired and so ready to be done. But I'm thankful for the hard season, because it's showed us both what the other is made of in a trial. And for the man my husband is in a trial - I'm grateful. 

4. My book.

In the past couple of weeks, I've had orders come in for the book I published four years ago - in the heart of that desert. I'm still so thankful for the opportunity to publish that book and thankful that I still hold to the words I wrote. I'm thankful for the lessons I learned in the writing and the waiting, and I'm always grateful to hear from others what the book has meant to them. This book has been a blessing to me, and I'm glad its words have reached out to bless others too! 

5. Answers yet to come.

There are so many areas of life that remain a mystery to Ryan and me. And by so many, I mean all, and by life, I mean our immediate future. We pray long and often for answers and direction...and I know they will come...in time. Clearly not in MY time, but in time. And so for these mysteries of the future that are elusive to us right now - I'm grateful. 

6. Ryan.

The fact that he's #6 on the list is in no way a reflection of his importance in my heart. I am so crazy grateful for this man and the fact that he showed up on my porch and in my life. I'm thankful for the way he loves me, prays for me, supports me, and does life every single day with me. For all the people who told me that I needed to know that marriage wasn't really like I dreamed, I present Ryan. He has proven that marriage can be a daily joy.

7. Loves who said no.

Yeah. You'd LIKE a picture on this one, wouldn't you?? I liked a lotta guys in my day. Some never knew it, some didn't return it. And you know what? Some of those guys were really great, upstanding guys with good jobs and a wonderful heart for the Lord. And I asked the Lord OFTEN why He was withholding a yes...because it wasn't like I picked a bunch of deadbeats! But looking back, I'm so thankful for all the guys that didn't work out. Because of each no, I got my very best yes.

8. Heritage.

As thankful as I am for Ryan's big family, I'm also thankful for my own heritage. My siblings and parents and niece and grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins who all, in their own way, contributed to my life and laid a foundation for me. So thankful for the heritage I call mine.

9. Grace.

When I think about what I actually deserve for some of my past choices, actions, and sins, I'm so grateful for grace. Grateful for God's grace and the grace of those around me. Those who allow me to be a human who sometimes messes up. Those who are willing to look past my blunders to see my heart. Oh how thankful I am for grace.

10. Friendships - Forever and Seasonal.

I used to really beat myself up over friendships that changed or ended. I love all my friends, and feel somewhat like a failure when something changes. But God has been teaching me that some friendships are intended to be permanent life-gifts, and others may just be there for a short season, but both are poignant pieces of my life. I am who I am today because of all the friends I have had and still have...and I'm thankful for each one.

Starting Out Thankful

I told you a couple of days ago that I'm taking this "thankful challenge" throughout the month of November. I won't make it the focus of the post every day, but today I will. Just as a starting point.

Three years ago, during my desert, I survived on McChickens, lime chips, frappes and prayer.

Not kidding.

Wouldn't recommend the diet - though it's the only time I ever lost weight quickly! - but the prayer...the prayer....it created the most pivotal, life change INSIDE to match what was happening OUTSIDE.

I spent hours in prayer, and I know that went a long way in changing me, but I also had great friends who bathed me in prayer. All of them deserve kudos for walking so faithfully by my side in a season I'm sure they felt would never end.

But one in particular always stands out to me.

His name is Jason, and we met in college. Through the magic of Facebook, we'd reconnected, and he gathered from things I said in status updates that I was struggling. One day he sent me a private message, simply telling me he was praying for me.

And nearly every day after - for several weeks - I would open Facebook and find a message from him. Sometimes he sent song lyrics. Sometimes a verse. Sometimes words of encouragement. But he always reminded me he was praying for me. Most days I didn't have the strength to even hit reply, but it didn't stop him from writing again the next day so I would know he was praying.

He never knew what was wrong. Many weeks passed before I divulged the real issue at hand. But he was faithful to pray, and faithful to TELL me he was praying.

To this day, I know I got through that season because of the prayers of many people - but among them, the prayers of a friend named Jason.

He was my prayer warrior for that season. He was an instrument used by God to sustain me in brokenness on my journey to wholeness.

 So today I'm thankful for Jason...who carried me in prayer during the darkest days I've ever lived. Because of his faithfulness and God's work through him, my heart was kept safe and was able to heal to be ready for this life today!

Thankfulness, Day 1: Who has been a prayer warrior in your life? Maybe for a small season, maybe for a specific event...maybe from the moment your life began until now. How can you thank him or her today? You are here today and who you are today because of the prayers offered up. Reach back in thanks!!

I Still Believe

I told you yesterday that I went to the Jeremy Camp concert this past weekend. And while the length of that post might leave you amazed that I have more to say...I have more to say.

If you don't know Jeremy's story - his first wife died of cancer just a few months after they were married. He has since married again and has three children, but he still tells about the pain he went through, losing his young wife so soon after marrying her.

And out of that pain was born this song:



He sang this song Saturday night, and as I leaned against the wall, listening, I really focused on the words:

I still believe in Your faithfulness...I still believe in Your truth...I still believe in Your Holy Word. Even when I don't see, I still believe.

I closed my eyes and could see...words from my journal from the desert days:

Why are you asking this of him? Of me? What have we done that warrants this? It feels like punishment. I know, I know. The Lord disciplines those He loves. But oh, Jesus. This is the worst pain I've ever felt. 

To write my heart's thoughts right now, Lord, even to You...is gut-wrenching. The ache and misery I feel even committing these words to paper is more than I feel I can take. One month ago, he told me he loved me. And today, silence. Oh Jesus. Precious Jesus. Hold me now. Meet me in this pit of anguish. 

Fill me, Jesus. I cling to You now. I miss my Isaac terribly. Long to talk with him. Long to be comforted. My heart is overwhelmed by a combination of grief and hope. Restore life where Satan has destroyed it. Give me joy and peace. I believe. Help Thou my unbelief. Help me to have childlike faith. How do I do this? How do I live with such an ache? How do I move past the hurt and into life again? How, my Jesus?

Help me to be faithful. Help me to hang in here with You. Learn YOUR lessons. YOUR love. God, my heart breaks. Why doesn't my love want me? Why does he push me away? Why doesn't he come to claim me? Help me. I call this to mind and therefore I have hope. Oh Jesus. Be big.

I opened my Bible to Isaiah 35: "The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy...strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with weak hearts: 'Be strong and do not fear. Your God will come. He will come with a vengeance; with divine retribution, He will come to save you...' Oh, Jesus, do it!!!

I have dozens of pages from my journal from those desert months - when love left me - that read just like the ones above. Days when I couldn't breathe because I hurt so deeply. When it seemed life would never be okay again.

Days when my faith seemed to drown in doubts, but each time I rose to the surface, I said to my Jesus, I choose You!

I still believe.

Even when I don't see. I still believe. 

And so it was, that night at the concert, with Jeremy singing that song from the very depths of his soul on the stage, I leaned back, tears falling from my eyes, and found myself caught up in Ryan's strong arms.

The love God sent to redeem me was there. Right there behind me with strong arms and a soft kiss against my cheek.

God had indeed come with a vengeance and with divine retribution to save me. Not in the way I prayed He would.

In a way far greater than I could ask or imagine.

One Big Truth

I was reading Kelly's blog the other day and found this link-up that I want to participate in - and you can read the details of it here, if you'd like.

Most of you who read this have been lurking around my blog for a while and you know the story. You know where I was and how I hurt and how God has wildly redeemed the pain and loss.

Last week I got an email from a reader I've never met...and her story moved me to tears, because as she shared her life with me in that email, I read my own story, with slightly different details. I nodded over and over as I read - because she's walking down the very path I took not all that long ago, and she said reading through the archives of this blog is giving her hope that God is good and He can redeem.

She's not the first person to say those words to me, but each time I hear them from one of you, my mind is absolutely blown...because...

...when I was in the throes of that hurt, I didn't particularly want to read about other people's happiness. With all due respect, it kind of got on my nerves. I'd read and think, "Well, yippee for you that you have everything all patched up and happy in life. Meanwhile, I still hurt. My heart is still broken. I'm not seeing any hope at the end of this thing."

It amazes me how many people are able to read our story - all of it - and find hope in it.

When I was in the hottest, most painful part of the desert, I remember crying out to the Lord, asking Him to find me faithful in the journey - and to make the pain worthwhile. To not waste it. I firmly believed that if He trusted me with such incredible pain, He had a reason. And if I could help someone - anyone - in his/her pain, then it was worth it to me to walk the path.

It was in that season that God directed me to these verses in Deuteronomy 6:

And when the Lord your God brings you into the land that he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give you - with great and good cities that you did not build, and houses full of all good things that you did not fill, and cisterns that you did not dig, and vineyards and olive trees that you did not plant - and when you eat and are full, then take care lest you forget the Lord, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. (vv.10-12)

And I asked Him never to let me forget.

I can look back on that season now without searing pain gripping my heart - and that is something I wasn't sure I could ever say. My heart isn't tugged and ripped with each memory. God has healed my heart and my mind, and I'm grateful.

But I have not forgotten. I've not forgotten how it DID hurt. How it DID cripple me. God's COMPLETE faithfulness. And His unmistakable, undeniable deliverance from that dry, dusty desert.

It's why I'm compelled to share my story...our story...every chance I get. God is good and faithful and I praise Him for bringing me into the promised land.

Beautiful Endings

I know many of you out there who read this blog are hurting from lost love and waiting for new love. I speak especially to you today.

Three years ago today, I awakened to an email from my dear friend, Julie Crandall, who was one of many God-ordained friends who walked that dark desert journey with me. After answering {very well} some questions I'd asked, she closed with these words: Relax. The outcome of this situation is not on your shoulders. It is in God's hands. "The one who calls you is faithful and HE will do it." - 1 Thessalonians 5:24...Lifting you up...Julie

I opened the devotional book I clung to with great dependence that year, Streams in the Desert, and read these words: Habakkuk 2:3 - "The revelation awaits an appointed time. Though it linger, wait for it; it WILL certainly come and WILL NOT DELAY." The devo that followed said, He will use His refining fire to burn away our impurities and will then gloriously come to our rescue. Do not grieve Him by doubting His love. Instead, lift up your eyes, and begin praising Him RIGHT NOW for the deliverance that is on its way to you. Then you will be abundantly rewarded for the delay that has tried your faith.

Then I sat with my journal and penned these words: I have to trust You for the amazing journey of crossing the river into the Promised Land. I have to trust You to speak to his heart...I have to trust You to calm his soul enough to know he is capable of love. Capable of leading. Capable of being desired and served. I want to wash his feet. I want to humble myself and bless him by washing his feet. Quiet my soul so I may wait for YOUR ending. Your beautiful ending that You've written just for me.Make this journey a beautiful picture of Your grace, Jesus.

You see, when Isaac came to me and said he needed to go away alone into a wilderness to work on his heart, I felt God leading me to believe that we would be healed and restored by the 4th of July. You have to understand. I'm not a girl who senses things like specific dates or specific ANYTHING when it comes to prayer. But that time, I did, and it was unmistakable. So from that night in April...all the way through May and June, I just ached for July 4th to roll around because I just KNEW that on that day, he would come back to me in a grand display that would surpass any fireworks show in the nation. 

I knew it. 

That last hour of July 4, 2010 was beyond excruciating. I sat by the front door, awaiting the sound of footsteps on the boards…awaiting the sound of the phone ringing with a call or text. I ached for God to bring about some movie-like ending. And I had no idea what would do if I went to bed and awakened the next morning...still alone.

And that's exactly what happened.

July 5th dawned bright and hot, and my phone lay silent beside me. He hadn't stepped onto the porch to ring the doorbell. He hadn't called. He hadn't texted. 

And that ending that I ached and prayed for never came.

Many of you read this blog right through that time and know how I struggled with the loss of that love and how deeply my faith was shaken in the way he did not come back as I felt certain God said he would.

But I say this to you today, July 4, 2013, three years later, after having just celebrated seven months of marriage to Ryan, 

God. Answered. Every. Word. Written. Above.

 The outcome of the situation was not on my shoulders. It was in God's Hands. And He brought to me a man named Ryan to claim what Isaac would not.

He will use His refining fire to burn away our impurities and will then gloriously come to our rescue. I am not the same woman I was in 2010. God used my dark, hot, lonely desert to burn away impurities on every side from my life and then gloriously came to my rescue by bringing me into a new career and making me ready to receive real, true, abundant love.

Then you will be abundantly rewarded for the delay that has tried your faith. You got that right.

I have to trust You to speak to his heart...I have to trust You to calm his soul enough to know he is capable of love. Capable of leading. Capable of being desired and served. I don't know what went on in Isaac's heart as I prayed these prayers, because he never told me. But I DO know that God spoke to Ryan's heart and calmed his soul to know that he was capable of loving, leading, being desired, and being served, and he lives that out every. single. day.

I want to wash his feet. I want to humble myself and bless him by washing his feet. Isaac never could accept that gift from me, but Ryan did - including the morning of our wedding, when we washed each other's feet on the same sand where later that day, we promised our lives to each other.

Quiet my soul so I may wait for YOUR ending. Your beautiful ending that You've written just for me.Make this journey a beautiful picture of Your grace, Jesus. It wasn't the ending I expected that day, but it was the ending He wrote...and what a picture of His grace it turned out to be. 

And so it was that on another day, in another year, I heard steps on the porch...and a man named Ryan said he was interested in me....and in a movie-like ending, he pursued me unmistakably, told a radio audience he wanted to claim me to be his for life, and in a sunset wedding, he offered me his forever and promised to care for me for the rest of my forever.

Today, I celebrate that. Today I embrace the joy that God took a date on the calendar that was so broken in my life...and He has healed and restored. Not in the way I expected.

In a way far better.

Coffee Chats

I admitted yesterday that my posts were likely to be fluffy this week, due to my reception brain...but this one might be a little less floofy than the rest. My heart is so heavy to talk about this, so we're just gonna talk about it right now.

Lately, I've been getting some emails from Bekah's Bits lurkers who have poured out their own stories of desire for marriage and for morning to come...and my heart is just breaking knowing that there are so many of you out there who hurt like that. The hurt I remember SO MUCH. So today I want to talk to you. And because I love coffee, I'm just going to call this a coffee chat. Feel free to pour a cup for yourself while you read. Chances are good that wherever I am while you're reading - I've got my own cup.

Let me say this to you. This picture, taken of my sister, Julie, and me was taken in May 2010. I had just turned 33 and I was just over a month into my desert season after Isaac walked away {initially} from our relationship.

I was smiling but my eyes were dead that night because my HEART was dead that night. I was brokenhearted, swimming in rejection, and wondering when God was going to heal Isaac's heart. I had to talk my way through every activity every day - from getting out of bed to getting ready to going to work to paying bills {you get the idea}. And honestly, if I'd known this night that Isaac wouldn't ever come back, I would not have had the will to go on.

Our ignorance is God's gift.

In that season, He carried me, He taught me to push on with grit and He showered me with His grace. And in that season, He prepared me to be Ryan's wife, though I had NO idea that would be His answer down the road.

Ryan and I are amazed that there are so many of you out there who have stories like mine. We're amazed at how many of you email and say our story gave you hope. We love that part of it.

So today, if you're hurting about love - for whatever reason, wrap your hands around your coffee cup and let me say this to you.

* God wastes nothing. Even if your season right now is dark and feels hopeless from all directions, HE IS STILL WORKING. You might not see or feel it now - but one day - at some Divinely appointed time down the road - you'll see how He was working. And such gratitude will pour over you on that day...it will be such a gift. In the meantime, this season you're living is not wasted. He'll find a way to use it.

* Sunrise can come so quickly. Ever notice {especially in the winter} how long it's dark? From 5 in the evening until 8 in the morning, it's dark out. But when the sun comes up - it goes from the horizon to the sky so quickly. And your morning might come on that quickly too. I had no idea last summer that I'd be married by Christmas. NO IDEA. But when God began to move in our love story, He moved at a very fast pace.

* Push. Like I said earlier, there were some days that the only reason I got out of bed was because I had to go to work. The only reason I did anything fun in that season was because my friends came over and dragged me out of the house. But though I felt like hiding under the covers, pushing myself to go to work or go out with the aforementioned friends was so good for me. So if you don't feel like doing it - try anyway. It'll be good for you.

* Pray. Hours and hours and hours of driving...pacing...walking outside...and curling up in the fat chair in the living room were coupled with deep groans poured out to the Lord. I was just honest in that season. Whether I was grieving, angry, confused, or something else, I told Him. No hiding it. He heard every ugly emotion and He proved faithful.

* Trust Him. There was a time in that desert when I said to God, "I'm not sure I trust You anymore. You didn't keep your promise." Not the nicest thing to say to God, but He helped me see that HE was trustworthy - even when people are not. So if you're in a place where you feel like you just can't....let me tell you He IS trustworthy. He is. Always.

If you'd like to come out of the lurking shadows to share your heart with me {and Ryan} - but you don't want to leave a comment for everyone to see - you're welcome to email at readingrebekah at yahoo.

Know that you are SO LOVED by our Abba!!

Morning Has Broken

Yesterday morning, I sat in the front pew of our sanctuary, scribbling in my journal while the worship team practiced on the platform. Now and then I'd glance up and swap smiles and eyebrow raises with Ryan...and then back to journaling I'd go.
 
During one of my forward glances, I caught the fiery glow of the sun crashing through the stained glass window behind the organ. I love it when the sun bursts through that window, reminding me of His presence right there with us. Worship songs washed over me and I sat in prayer, savoring the moments.

Church began and I sat alone in my pew while Ryan and the praise team sang...and after the first couple of songs, I noticed Ryan was still holding the microphone. He began to speak and I thought, Well that's a nice surprise. I didn't know he was doing the call to worship today.

He talked about our story and how so many of you here on the blog have left comments about how it's given you a measure of hope. He talked about how on Mid-Morning this year, we're focusing on the theme of how God writes our story...and how we all have a story.

And then he talked about a little song...one I've written about before here and here. Josh Wilson's song Before the Morning. He talked about how it had ministered to both of us in our respective places of hurt.

And then he sang it. 

I had no idea. I had no clue he was singing a special in church and that it would be just for me - was...well...it was the first time anyone has done that for me before. 

I sat in my pew, squeezed my eyes shut to hold back tears, and listened to him...and I remembered the day I first heard it.

Memorial Day weekend, 2010, while I was in the car with my friend Rachel, driving back home after a strawberry shortcake at Ivanhoe's. My desert was in full swing and I could barely breathe. I knew when she dropped me off at home, I was stuck there for three long, torturous days. Most of my friends had left town for the holiday and Isaac, the one man I loved more than anything, had planned to introduce me to his family that weekend, but instead he told me he wasn't ready, and I should stay home.

So I did. I stayed home and felt the searing pain of his rejection...his decision to hide me from his family...and I had little hope in my heart that the words of Josh's song were true. That I would ever forget the pain and that morning would ever come. And in that relationship, morning never did come. Isaac walked away, and I thought I'd never be loved again. But then God brought Ryan...

...And yesterday morning I sat in a pew, not only hearing the words of the song, but hearing them from the lips of my own husband specifically dedicated to me in front of an entire congregation of people. God's redemption of my pain showed up yet again...taking away the shame of being hidden and replaced with the healing of being publicly acknowledged and chosen.

Maybe you're where I was on Memorial Day weekend, 2010. Maybe you're wondering if the pain that you've been feeling could possibly be the hurt before the healing. If healing really will ever come.

Sweet friend, it really is the dark before the morning.

And when morning comes - in whatever way it comes for you - and your story will look different from ours -

It will be two things.

Unmistakable

and

Magnificent.

The Words I Never Thought I Could Say

I'm so anxious to share with you about our first date and to catch you up on that fun side of things, but I cannot move on to that without first saying this.

For those of you who knew me and most of all for those of you who walked beside me during the desert days, I need you to hear these words.

I would not trade that heartbreak for anything, and I can absolutely see why I needed to be so devastated...and I am so grateful for that season of my life and the purpose it now serves.

Wow. Never thought I would be able to say that and mean it.

When I wrestled through those dark months of rejection and hurt and anger and sadness (and you could insert about 10,000 more feelings right here), I knew there was no possible way this would ever be a good thing in my life. I knew it would always be the season that just went horribly wrong. The time when Satan got a foothold and God had to scramble to find something to do with me because Isaac had chosen to mess up the plan God intended.

And. I. Was. So. Wrong.

That season probably had many more purposes than I'll ever know on this earth. In my life at the time, it changed me into a new person. I learned that if I could survive that, I could survive anything. Nothing had ever physically, emotionally, and spiritually rocked me like that time. And at the end of it, I was 4 dress sizes smaller, a whole lot braver, and deeply in love with my Abba. That alone made the devastation worthwhile.

But now, on the other side of things, I see how necessary that darkness was. It has helped me understand Ryan's own hurt in a way I never could have if I'd not walked through it. It helped me know what things to say and what things not to say.

Genesis 50:20 says "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

I heard a pastor once say that the word intended in the original language means to weave.

You wove to harm me but God rewove it for good to accomplish what is now being done...

And that is how I view that season of my life now. While I still don't think Isaac is malicious and set out to break my heart, he did break my heart. And that weaving did devastate me. Deeply. But God rewove it and turned it into a beautiful platform for me to stand on...to accomplish what is now being done in my life.

And. I. Am. Grateful.

Thanks for reading along this week for the abbreviated version of how I came to be asked out on a date...which I'll tell you more about tomorrow!

When You Stop Bossing God Around...

If you've been on the blog for a couple of years, you will remember my desert journey. If you're new...you'll have no idea what I'm talking about. So let me recap ever so briefly.

2 1/2 years ago, I was set up with a guy I'd never met before. We started talking, first online, then on the phone, and then in person. (Note...I did not MEET him online...we were set up through mutual friends. We just started talking that way.) We fell for each other pretty quickly and he told me early on that he wanted to marry me. Though we were never engaged, my mind was already convinced that this was my forever-relationship, and that's why I was utterly devastated when he told me God was calling him away into a wilderness to deal with some issues from his past - and he had to go alone.

For months, I waited, because I believed he would come back to me and we would move forward with our relationship. Furthermore, I felt God was calling me to wait...to be faithful even when everyone else was telling me to dump him and move on.

In the end, Isaac called me and told me he was not coming back and I should move on with my life. About a month later, I found out he was dating someone else, and they got married last year.

After he left, I told God in no uncertain terms that I was not interested in love ever again. I was positive Isaac was His best for me and if I couldn't have His best for me, I didn't want any settled-for second best.

People. It is not smart to boss around the Creator of the Universe. Let me just tell you that. Okay?

As my heart began to heal and especially as life began tumbling into the "Season of Suddenly" I talked about last week...with my new job...I began to ever-so-cautiously entertain the idea of new love. I went out on a few dates here and there, and every time I just knew it wasn't right. Either I had zero chemistry with the guy or I just knew it wasn't the right thing...or I got my heart broken again. The last heartbreak was so rough that it landed me in bed for an entire weekend, completely unable to get up to even eat. After that, I said it would have to be a clear sign from God if I was going to pursue a relationship again. Because otherwise it was just flat out TOO PAINFUL.

So...several weeks ago, I got a text from a friend of mine named Ryan. He and I actually went to high school together, and while we knew of each other back in those days, we weren't friends. (Not that we were enemies...we just didn't know each other well enough to be friends.) I got to know him better when I started attending the church I go to now...because he goes there as well. In the months that have passed since I went through my desert journey, Ryan went through a really tough relationship loss of his own, and it was after that...I received a text.

He said he needed to talk to me, and in my heart, I knew. I knew that although he had told me he had the same mentality toward finding a new relationship that I did (way too hard, so no thank you!!), he was a great guy and somewhere along the way, some girl was going to capture his heart and he'd rethink that decision. I knew it.

So I knew what the text was about. He'd found someone and he needed to curb his friendship with me so it wouldn't get in the way of whatever relationship he was about to begin. I told him he could come over and talk to me, and when he arrived, I was curled up in a ball on the floor of my living room, under a fleece blanket, shivering and trying not to cry.

He sat down on the floor beside me and began a detailed story (he's quite a good story-teller and includes ALL the details). I interrupted after about a sentence and with my eyes half-closed in pain, I said, "I know what you're here to say, so just say it."

He looked at me with surprise and said, "You do?" I nodded miserably and said, "Just SAY it. Just get it over with."

He took a deep breath and said, "Okay...I've started to have feelings for you."

(Insert stunned silence here, followed by a squeaked "huh?")

I'm telling you...when you stop bossing God around....

Morning

I have to tell you...for NOT being a morning girl, they sure do hold a lot of significance for me!

My desert journey took place when Josh Wilson's song Before the Morning had just released, and I heard it dozens of times every day. The lyrics were so timely for that season of my life that often I could do nothing but pray "Abba, please bring my morning. Please bring my morning."

Even after the desert had ended (and I knew it had....) I didn't feel like morning had truly arrived. I craved it.

Then I went to Florida and God hinted that morning was breaking. I wrote this post about the way God spoke to me through a sunset and a sunrise I witnessed on that vacation.

It was less than a month later that I found out about the job that is now mine and as I've commuted this past year, God has used the dozens of sunrises to remind me that it's just the dark before the morning.

I took the back way to work yesterday to capture this stunning sunrise. (Back way so I could stop the car and take pictures along the way without disrupting the flow of traffic.)

 God is doing amazing works of healing in my heart. He's teaching me to be brave. He's asking me to trust. He's weaving and re-weaving what others meant for evil into something good. He's writing furiously. He's bringing the morning.

 And for all those times I wrote to you in deep hurt...for all those times I said I was going to grit my teeth and get through that desert if it killed me (and I sure did think it would a few times)...for all the ache I felt...I feel like I can't say enough now how grateful I am for a morning.

It bursts forth in ways that surprise me...but I'm so thankful.

If you're hurting...can I just tell you that it's true? It really is the dark before the morning.

Promised Lands

Do y'all ever read anything by Holley Gerth? She's a writer for Dayspring and I really enjoy her writing style.

Yesterday she wrote this post, which I think would be worth your time to hop over and check out. As I read it, God used her words to do a little heart-work in me. (And I am not gonna lie to you...I've been heart-work-project-number-one this week. I'm POOPED!)

This was the part that got me: "It always takes a step of faith to get to the Promised Land. Always. And if you wait until you’re unafraid, you’ll never cross."

When I was dating Isaac, and he told me he had to go into his wilderness alone and I couldn't come with him, one of my first questions was "Are you planning to come back for me so we can go into the Promised Land?" (Because we had already talked about getting married and we'd begun planning our forever life together.) He said yes.

During the conversation we had when we broke up, he told me he couldn't go into the Promised Land with me - but he hoped I would find my Joshua who would go with me.

Not exactly what a girl wants to hear.

But, months later, when my heart began to calm down from the excruciating pain of being left - of knowing someone else was chosen to fulfill the role I'd been promised - I began to pray for Joshua. Began to pray that God would indeed send a Joshua who wouldn't be too afraid to enter a Promised Land with me.

And in all those prayers, it was always about Joshua. About praying for God to prepare HIS heart to find me. To lead me. To love me.

It never once occurred to me that I should spend some time praying for myself. That after the hurts I've been through, I might end up being too scared to take a step of faith toward the Promised Land.

Isn't that exactly what happened to the Israelites? Moses lost his privilege of taking them into the Promised Land...he raised up Joshua to be equal to the task and then OH WAIT!!! The nation chickened out. Sure the land was everything they'd hoped of and more...but did you see those obstacles? Yeah it's too scary. We'll stay here. Thanks!

I still believe the Promised Land will be mine someday. I'm excited about it. But in the meantime, I've switched up my prayers a bit...praying for the courage to take whatever steps of faith are necessary to get there. That I won't spend so much time waiting to be unafraid that I just never cross at all.

I don't know what your Promised Land is. But I do know getting there will require facing some obstacles. None that can't be overcome with the Lord's leading. They aren't obstacles to Him, you know. They're opportunities to display His glory.

But don't be so afraid that you miss the bounty of the promise. It's so worth it.