Throwback of the Heart

About a month ago, Ryan and I started reading Beth Moore's David: 90 Days With A Heart Like His for our morning devotions. I had started this book once before, but never finished it. There are places in the book to journal, and on my first run-through, I journaled the daylights out of the pages I read. (Is anyone surprised?)

I'm guessing based on context clues, that this took place about ten years ago, and it has been very eye-opening to read about the state of my heart and faith a decade ago.

In short, I was a mess. (Is anyone surprised?)

Single, losing hope, struggling to believe for a beautiful future, feeling utterly useless at work, and lost in a sea of friendships where everyone seemed to fit in except me.

Beth had written a prayer in the devotion Ryan and I read yesterday. In part, it said, "I will trust in You at all times. I will pour out my heart before you, for You will hear me and answer in your perfect time." (p. 126)

And after that, I had written,

Ahhh...the perfect time. The part that is so hard to wait on. And yet You have offered me these very verses before as a shred of hope about my love life. Even just tonight, I cried out in loneliness. Doing laundry for just me...baking cookies alone...eating at a TV tray...exercising with no one to appreciate the results...it was hard. And yet I believe You heard and You will answer. I'm trusting You because I know in Whom I have believed.

I read that little section aloud to Ryan and shook my head at the direct, specific answers in which I now live.

I'm not even kidding when I say that every single time I do our laundry, I'm thankful the load is twice as big. I'm thankful for every pair of socks and scrubs I match, fold, and put away. I'm thankful for every extra towel on the bar. I know every single girl has her own specific trigger for loneliness, and for me, laundry was a big one. I wanted double the laundry because of the person it would represent, and now, as I live in the answer, doing double the work brings double the joy.

I still bake cookies alone, but I don't eat them alone. (Although I confess there are still days when I could put away the whole batch by myself.) And the principle true of laundry is true of cookies as well. Whether it's actually a batch of cookies or some other dish, cooking for someone brings every bit the amount of joy that I long ago imagined it would. I love planning our meals, making our grocery list, and cooking for the two of us...

...Which leads to the TV tray comment. We've nixed the trays, but we do eat in front of the TV almost as often as we eat at the table. Old habits die hard. But eating in the company of one another is a blessing we don't take for granted. On the rare days when we do have to eat a meal alone, it just feels weird. Incomplete.

As for exercising with no one to appreciate the results, I told Ryan that back then, there weren't any results to appreciate, so I'm not sure what I was saying there. But although I don't exercise solely for Ryan's appreciation, I am always encouraged when he acknowledges the hard work I put into working out and eating well. It helps motivate me on the days when I just want donuts and naps.

I'm grateful that on some random day, a decade or so ago, I committed my specific dreams and heartaches to paper. I'm thankful I clung to a delicate thread of hope. And today I offer words of praise for the answers God eventually brought to me.

Some of you are still waiting for your Mr. Missing. Some of you are still waiting for something else that is dear to you. The words of Beth's prayer are true for you, too. May you chronicle your longings so you can one day see His answers. (I don't know what the answers will be, but I believe an answer of His choosing will come and He can open your eyes to see it!)