Permission to Fail

Jody posted a blog about vulnerability in writing. I've been thinking about that since I read it yesterday morning. It scares me sometimes to think about my unknown blog readers. I try to be smart about what I post so I don't get myself in too much trouble. But at the same time, I think writers have a certain obligation to be transparent in some ways. Readers want to know they're not alone.

And so in that spirit, I bring you today's Bekahland flaw. You can judge me if you want. I know it needs work.

I've never given myself permission to fail.

Ever.

At anything.

Please don't interpret this to mean that I haven't failed. I have. Many times. I'm the girl who had to call her economics teacher father during college midterms to report she was failing economics. I'm the girl who nearly didn't graduate on time because she did not have a pass in a pass/fail elective class her final semester of college. (Ironically in history...another of Dad's specialties.) I'm the girl who can still tell you the NAME (first, middle AND last) of a student whose aid she messed up ten years ago when she first learned to process aid. Please note that information will not actually be divulged, in the interest of privacy laws, but I'm just saying it still lives on in this brain.

There are many more examples, but in order to preserve a bit of self-esteem, I'll stop there.

Today I made a mistake. Or rather, I was informed of a mistake. And people, let me tell you. Grace and mercy went flying and I actually had tears in my eyes. Not tears of embarrassment or disappointment. Tears of flat out anger. I self-lectured for several minutes on the utter ridiculousness of this situation. I was momentarily interrupted by the person who found my mistake and I explained I was in the middle of some self-discipline. She laughed and said, "Of all people, I knew I didn't need to say a word to you. You will be beating yourself up for this for days."

It's true.

I don't love it when other people mess up, but I normally extend some compassion. But I sure struggle to do so when I'm in the hot seat. Not proud of it. But it's true. Gotta learn to grant some permission to fail.