Disorganized Beginnings

I'm sure it's my OCD tendencies, but I do so love very organized beginnings to new months. In fact, last year I took a day off work either the last day or first day of each month to sort of get everything in its place.

So I was NOT amused today to go flying out of the house without pouring the coffee I'd made (no time), not opening the curtains (no time), and skidding into work at LITERALLY the last possible minute.

Tonight I had a meeting I don't normally have on Mondays, so my evening routine was out of whack...you get the idea.

Having said this, I would like to pause amid the disorganization for a moment to remember...

...my kiddo.

Not mine by flesh and blood, but such a part of my heart. Little Miss Carol, the first baby whose birth I ever witnessed, left this earth to be in Heaven with Jesus. No warning. No time to plan or prepare, although how does a person ever prepare to say goodbye to such a sweet and tiny life?

I remember the phone call at work. I remember paging my ex-boyfriend over and over, not caring that we were exes...only knowing I needed him right then. I remember going into my neighboring counselor's office and crying on her shoulder. I remember being sent home but not being able to go home. I remember going to another friend's office and sitting in her cubicle until her staff meeting finished.

I remember wanting so much to go be with Carol's family but not feeling right about it since I wasn't family. I remember her mom calling me and asking me to come because she needed me. I remember sitting helplessly in their living room, feeling like I should know what to say because I'd walked that road before...years earlier...and yet not knowing what to say.

Funny what you remember.

Funny what you will yourself to remember, knowing there can never be new memories made.

I miss Carol. Nine years doesn't make that go away.