This week I want to introduce you to a friend of mine who has been part of my life for about the last twenty years. Her name is Kristin Hand, and I met her when we were students at Indiana Wesleyan. Over the years that followed, we spent some time attending the same church, working together(ish) in Financial Aid, and even being part of the same Bible study. Fun fact: Kristin was one of my friends who made the 1100 mile journey from Indiana to Florida to attend our wedding in person! (She's also a HUGE part of the reason I made it through my desert journey of seven years ago with any kind of sanity intact. I'm actually surprised she has sanity left after dealing with me in that season.)
Kristin and her husband, Bill, have been foster parents for the last four years. In that time, they have welcomed fifteen different children into their home, and actually that number might be a bit higher if they hadn't taken a nine month break during that time to prepare for the adoption proceedings of one of their foster children.
I knew nothing about foster care before they began this journey, but I have learned so much from Kristin's Facebook posts, that I asked if she would tell me the top three things she wished people knew about foster parenting. She's a true kindred spirit, because limiting the information to three bullet points was impossible. So here are her top five things she would tell you about walking a mile in her shoes!
(Bill and Kristin Hand on adoption day with their daughter, Michelle)
1. Foster parents do what they do knowing they will eventually have to say goodbye.
The goal of foster care is for the children to be reunited with their parents (eventually). If circumstances prevent that goal from being met, the foster plan can change to adoption. Bill and Kristin, like many foster parents, feel called to foster, but they don't have nearly enough space to adopt every child who enters their home. (God did make a way for them to adopt one of their foster daughters, Michelle, and that adoption was finalized earlier this year!) Because they don't have the space to take every child permanently, sometimes their job as foster parents is to help transition the kids into a forever home with someone else. As you might imagine, it's an extremely emotional process for everyone involved, but Bill and Kristin take comfort in knowing the kids are going to homes where they will be loved and kept safe.
2. Foster parents face the same struggles as any other parents.
Kids are kids, Kristin says. She and Bill have the same issues with foster children as other families have with their biological children. Foster parents, though, have a steep learning curve with each child. Sometimes they receive no background on why the child has been placed into care, and they have to spend many hours figuring out the underlying reasons for the behaviors they exhibit. That is stressful and takes a toll on the family!
3. Simple things from the "village" are so encouraging.
Kristin says she and Bill can feel the prayers of those who have rallied around them in this journey. They get excited about things like gifts of paper plates, respite care providers, and a meal train when they receive a new placement. One of their current foster children is likely autistic, which creates additional care needs. Bill and Kristin's church has responded by scheduling a "buddy" to hang out with him on Sundays so they can serve and worship without worrying about their child and the distractions he may be causing in his class. These little things have a huge (positive!) impact.
4. Positive life changes can happen.
Bill and Kristin have had children stay with them for just a month, but placements have also lasted as long as three years. These kids come to their house scared, angry, and confused (and not necessarily in that order)! Thankfully none of the kids have ever left their house feeling those emotions.
Kristin said their last placement involved a sibling group, and the oldest child had been described by her previous foster home as a "demon child." She never smiled, and she didn't like hugs. The pictures Bill and Kristin have of her from this past Easter show an unhappy girl in a pretty dress. Six months later, a school picture showed a smile so big, her eyes nearly squinted shut. The girl was sad to leave their house, because she wanted to keep going to church with them. She went from being a "demon child" to wanting to be a church teacher when she grows up, because she loves Jesus so much. Bill and Kristin's own adopted daughter was a scared child when she first showed up at their house, but this past spring, she was baptized.
Whether the kids are there forever or just a few weeks, they grow in Bill and Kristin's loving care, and they attribute that to the transforming work of Christ!
5. Anyone can help!
Not everyone is called to be a foster parent, but anyone can help! Foster parents need prayer and support. If you have a few free hours, and you feel led, volunteer to take a foster child to the park so the parents can breathe for a while. If you have a bulk store membership, pick up paper plates or plastic silverware, and gift them to a foster family.
If you aren't sure how you can be the most effective help, just ask! If you don't know any foster parents personally, call your local DCS office to ask if there are any donations they could use to help kids who have to sit all day in the office awaiting a placement home.
Regardless of where you live, it seems there's always a shortage of foster homes. If you feel like this is something you may want to do, but you have more questions about what life is like with full time foster kids, Kristin would be happy to talk with you about it! (I can connect you to her if you'd like.) Even if you don't think you want to foster full time, you can become licensed as a respite parent to help foster families with short term care so they can take a vacation, travel for an emergency, or just have a weekend of refreshment.
I have tremendous respect for those who foster. From the posts I've read on Facebook from Kristin and other friends, I know it's a hard, often thankless job, and I'm grateful for Kristin's wisdom today in helping me understand even more what it's like to walk in a foster parent's shoes!
6 comments:
I am loving this series and what a wonderful friend and person she is1!
I didn't know anything about being a respite parent to help foster families. That's interesting... Thanks for all the info. Foster parents are so giving and it sounds like your friends are exactly that.
This post was so timely, as my husband and I just began fostering last month. I echo everything she said and would encourage everyone to get involved in some way in foster care...even if that is just a card of encouragement to a family who has children in their home. I have told people that getting a foster child is a bit like having a baby except nobody gives you cards, makes you meals, does your laundry, or watches your child so you can get a nap. It's a huge adjustment for everyone and having a strong support system can make such a difference.
The needs, challenges and joys of fostering are the same from coast to coast--and everywhere in between. I have a colleague (here in California) who is a foster care parent and he and his wife can attest to the statements and suggestions that Kristen made. Thanks for sharing and reminding us all of the HUGE opportunities there are simply related to helping kids have a safe environment in which to thrive. Lois
One of my friends is a guardian ad litem and was talking with me the other night about some of the foster parents that she has observed. Apparently, at least in our area, there isn't enough funding to give foster parents the stipend they are supposed to receive to help take care of these extra children. So, that means that all of their bills, including major things like daycare, are falling solely on the foster parents. I have incredible respect for foster parents and the work that they do. Loving children as if they were their own, even knowing that they will eventually have to say goodbye.
Tamar - She is wonderful!
Maria - Glad you could pick up some new info today!
Anne - What perfect timing! You are so right - foster parents need and deserve the "new parent" treatment, too! Same work, and in some ways, even harder!
Lois - Yes! Thriving is the key - loved Kristin's story of that!
Erica - WOW! That is too bad that the funding isn't there. Kudos to those who add even more sacrifice!
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