Writing Nate

This is an awkward post, to say the least, mostly because I have no idea if Isaac even knew this happened. Guess he'll know now, huh?

Keep in mind that at this point in the journey, I was still riddled with that fear God wanted me to work on. And one of the ways it manifested itself on Mother's Day was this nagging worry that Isaac would interpret my silence as disinterest in him. I had no idea what to do, so I took a risk and sent an email to his brother. I'm not going to share the whole email with you, partly because I just don't want to, and partly because you don't have that kind of time to read. (Neither did Nate, I'm sure. God love him.)

Meeting your brother has been (not kidding) the biggest blessing I’ve ever had, second to having a relationship with the Lord. I know that probably sounds like some hokey line, but it’s true. He came in to my life at a time when things were going very well for me, and he brought significant blessing and joy to me. To have someone pursue me and not only see my heart for what it is, but choose to appreciate and love my heart for what it is…is something that had NEVER happened to me before.

You asked me that night when I came to meet you, what my intentions were with your brother, and I just turned red and avoided the question. Truth was, I already knew my intentions. I already knew God had put a love for him in my heart, but I hadn’t even told him that yet, so I sure wasn’t going to tell you first!

I have prayed for hours – the equivalent of literal days – and feel certain in my heart that God has ordained this relationship and has asked me to wait for Him to work in Isaac's heart…to heal and restore him. Trust is difficult for me. It’s hard to trust God to do a work I can’t see. It’s also hard for me to trust that Isaac will hear the same thing and follow it. But if this is what God is asking of me (of us) right now, I do want to be faithful to do it.

I tell God often that He picked the wrong girl. That I am not strong enough. And yet I know He doesn’t ask me to do anything He won’t give me the grace and strength to do.

Though I am scared, I also know Isaac is worth waiting for. His heart for the Lord is unlike any heart I’ve ever known.

Because of the way things are right now, I wasn’t sure when I might see you again, and I have never really had a chance to talk to you specifically since that night I first met you guys. Because of that, I just wanted you to know the answer to that intentions question. I love your brother, and I am pouring my heart out before the Lord on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis praying for his healing and restoration, and direction for his (our) future. I believe God does have a future for us, and when it gets here, I intend to support him in any and every way possible. He knows that – I know he does. (You may thank me now for giving you the ABBREVIATED version!)

I closed my day by journaling, Thank You for getting me through today. I struggled so heavily with anger and weariness…wanting to give up. Wanting to do something easier than sitting and waiting for You to work…oh Jesus.

And yet how can I help but praise You…

Oh Jesus, work in my Isaac. Keep him safe next to Your heart. Work in him. Help him. Love him. Heal him, Father.

And in the meantime, give me purpose. Give me a reason to hope and be joyful. Help me to live abundantly.

Streams says, “In this chapter, Abraham pleaded with God for the lives of others. A friend of God’s can do exactly that. But perhaps you see Abraham’s level of friendship with God as something far beyond your own possibilities. Do not be discouraged, however, for Abraham grew in his faith, not by giant leaps but step by step. And we can do the same. The person whose faith has been severely tested, yet who has come through the battle victoriously is the person to whom even greater tests will come.”

My tests overwhelm me. What You ask of me right now seems insurmountable. Help me be faithful.