A Desert at the Beach

To see the "vacation recap" of my trip to Virginia Beach, you can go back to my May archives and read through them.

But back in May, you didn't know about my desert...so today I want to share with you the flip side of the trip.

The heart-side.

As you can probably tell from the last post, the day I arrived was emotional and exhausting. I'd driven on the interstate the night before my flight, in order to get to my sister's house. You know how I feel about interstates! That particular night, I was flipped off by a driver and missed my exit, so you can imagine my spirits upon arrival at Julie's. Add to that the lack of sleep due to nerves, a full day of flying...and I was just one tuckered mess.

Our first order of business was to visit the Norfolk Botanical Gardens, which I loved, but one of the sights we saw was the stunning terrace where weddings are held...and that was the last little bit my heart could take. When we arrived back at Mark and Lynnette's apartment, I collapsed in her lap and cried. She was the perfect best friend that day. She cried with me (every girl knows that is a must), she didn't try to fix it, she listened with great sympathy, and she told me that in her heart, she knew he was the right one for me. And she promised me I'd make it through this.

And two glasses of sweet tea and a decent portion of a chicken quesadilla later, I believed her.

Lynnette took such loving care of me that weekend. She made sure we had places to go and sights to see...and when my heart became overwhelmed, she let me have my moments to sit and ponder.

I didn't have a lot of time to journal while I was there, but I did sneak in some words to the Lord over the course of the weekend...

The final hours of being 31...not how I imagined them at all...alone and yet in a relationship…I want to release it. I want to be still. I want You to work. But I don’t know how to let You. Oh Father, redeem my birthday. You redeemed Valentine’s Day in a mighty way. You redeemed the 25th. Be big in my life, Lord, and redeem my birthday. I beg of You. I BEG.

(Side note...God did not "redeem the day" in the way I thought He would. In the way I longed for Him to. But He did give me a GORGEOUS day to spend at the ocean, and He gave me a best friend who made the hardest birthday the best I've ever had.)

Thirty two. Thirty-two and not the birthday I would have imagined. In so many ways…a beautiful day. Oh how I loved seeing the ocean. Loved dipping my toes in it and walking the beach and feeling the sand and savoring every second. I did not take it for granted. Not a moment.

My heart is starting to feel defiant. Everything reminds me of him. Everything. Mark and Lynnette call each other Babe and I can hear his voice saying it to me. Everywhere we went tonight, we saw people holding hands and I can feel him reaching for mine. Everything, God.
And even while my heart breaks at the silence, I still feel You pressing me to step back and let You work in him.

Streams says, “Remember, clouds are always ahead of God’s cleansing wind.” God, I DO NOT understand what You are doing.

I read this the other day – Ezekiel 22:13: “Will your courage endure or your hands be strong in the day I deal with you? I, the Lord, have spoken and I will do it.”
(Side note: This verse was a direct warning from God, and I knew it. Through these words, He was asking me to wait even when it seemed impossible, and to be QUIET and let Him accomplish what He'd spoken to my heart. You'll soon see I struggled significantly with that part of the order.)

Jesus, help me. Am I too messed up? Do You have the wrong girl? Am I capable of enduring this desert? I kept thinking of Luke 1:38 today – “I am the Lord’s servant. Let it be to me as You have said.”

Father God, I believe You made me for Isaac. And I believe he was made for me. I do not see how this can be mended. But be big, God. Be big in our story.

Sunday was particularly tough for me. I went to church with Mark and Lynnette and my heart stung. I sat in a church that was part of his very denomination – and missed him. I went to lunch – and missed him. We went to a state park and walked around – and I missed him. We went to Norfolk and looked around the ships – and I missed him. He loves history. He’d love that trip. We rode a ferry – without him.

That night, I wrote, Today was tough. To be in that church – and know it’s his church.To hear the song Blessed Be Your Name and know I’ve got to praise You even when it hurts.

Streams says, “Many prayers of believers are hindered by Satan. Yet you do not need to fear when your unanswered prayers are piling up for soon they will break through like a flood. When that happens, not only will your answers flow through, but they will also be accompanied by new beginnings.” Oh, Jesus, please don’t let Satan defeat us. Break through. Be big – HUGE – in our lives.
Final side note: I've posted the song Blessed Be Your Name below. Remember yesterday when I talked about flying out to Kansas for Cassie's graduation a couple of years ago? Her graduation was on the one-year anniversary of the tornado, and the church service that morning was a community service held in a huge tent in the park. I distinctly remember standing in that service, while we sang this song, and I just cried, because I knew was standing in the company of people who could sing that song in a way I could not. When we sang "Blessed be Your Name on the road marked with suffering...though there's pain in the offering...blessed be Your Name...You give and take away...my heart will choose to say...Lord, blessed be Your Name..." I knew I couldn't really say those words. I hadn't walked a road marked with suffering. Not like all those people around me who had just lost everything they owned and were starting to make a new life out of rubble. I didn't know what it meant to have what was given taken away. I'd never had to choose to say, "Lord, blessed be Your Name."
Until that Sunday. And standing in that church in Virginia Beach, with my stupid sunburned-swollen feet making cankles over my sandals, I cried again during that song because this time I knew. I knew the road marked with suffering. I knew the pain in the offering. And I was choosing to say "Lord, Blessed be Your Name."