Bridge

I wanted to offer this post as a bridge between the scary post of yesterday (which I'm still terrified that I posted) and the important-lesson post coming up. I want to begin by responding to the great point Tsofah left yesterday in my comments. It is true that as you've read over the recent desert posts, you've seen a very broken Bekah who was desperate to have her life as she knew it restored.

Remember that the time you're reading about was back in May. I've done a lot of growing and changing since May. I don't want to misrepresent myself. There are days still...now...when I struggle with anger and disappointment and that crushed feeling inside. I say that because I don't want you to think I'm perfect or some super-saint who figured it all out on cue and without any snags.

Quite the opposite.

I'm pretty sure that throughout the course of this journey, I hit the highest high I've ever known and I sank into the deepest low I've ever known, too. I dealt with the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional effects of my circumstances...

...and it was all necessary. I don't entirely know why it was all necessary. Not yet. But I know that each lesson and...well, really each moment led to something that I'll use along the way in the life God has written for me. There were moments that I didn't handle well. You've already seen some of them. There were moments when I failed significantly. There were also moments when I succeeded wildly in ways I couldn't even see until someone pointed them out.

My friend Marie used to tell me that when God desires to accomplish something in your life, He'll accomplish it. You can let Him do so by submitting to His way, or you can fight Him and run the risk of learning the hard way. (Think of Saul's blinding conversion!) Either way, you'll learn. And unfortunately, because I'm stubborn, I had to learn the hard way. A few days ago I posted a link to Selah's song Draw Me, Lord. That's the part you're reading right now. How He allowed me to find such deep brokenness that I deeply desired to draw near to Him in a way I'd never done before.

Right after Mother's Day, I prepared to leave for my birthday vacation to Virginia Beach. I'd waited 32 years to see the ocean and yet that week, even the ocean held no appeal for me. But the ticket was purchased and my best friend was expecting me. So I determined I would go, desire or no desire.

That week, I also began to struggle with real anger for the first time since the wilderness/desert began. It was hard to read his online updates and see that he seemed to be doing just fine (key word, I think, was seemed) and I was visibly weighed down with such brokenness. I didn't want to live in anger, so I tried to curb it, but at the same time, I understood that working through the anger was part of the process, so I tried to give myself permission to feel it, process it, and move on from it.

One night, I wrote: How You spoke to my heart today…about seeking You first. Jesus, I do want to. I want to follow hard after You and watch You be big in my life – in my life with Isaac. In Isaac's life.

Jesus, I really am starting to get excited about my trip. The suitcase is packed. My bed is strewn with the guts of the carry-on...

...And, precious Jesus, help me be faithful to him. Help me to encourage him. Help him to accept it and be soothed by it. Hold me up in Your love, Holy Father.

He is my blessing from You. My good and perfect gift. My treasure. Protect us, Jesus.