On May 4th, 2007, my sister and her family lost their home, church, and town in the F5 tornado that hit Greensburg, Kansas. I stole this picture from my brother-in-law's Facebook page. This was all that remained of their home. If you want to see more of my take on the tornado, just peruse back through my archives in May 2007.
I mention this simply because Tuesday, May 4th, was the three year mark since the tornado that destroyed the buildings of Greensburg. And I say this with much respect for the people who endured what you see pictured above...my heart felt a bit like that house.
May 4th was also Braeya's 4th birthday. (She's one of my two cats if you are new to reading and haven't met them yet.)
I didn’t really have the energy for either observance, but both weighed heavily on my mind.
That night, I wrote, I mowed the yard tonight and it took me back to three years ago when I mowed the day after the tornado. I remember feeling so guilty for making my yard look nice when they had nothing. It was hard to mow tonight too – but because my heart was breaking. Oh how I miss him. Oh how I long for his healing and restoration. And while I know it’s okay for me to hurt and such, I do long to show him that I am okay. I am still happy. I can bring him joy.
Oh God, please free me. Please allow me to have joy in my heart – first and foremost for my own well being but also for him. God, please be at work.
I distinctly remember this next part. As I willed myself to move up and down the yard until it was completely mowed, I remembered a piece of the familiar verse in Lamentations...the one about God's great faithfulness. When I came inside the house, I practically tore apart my new Bible getting into Lamentations to find these verses:
Lamentations 3:21-24. “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’”
I cling to it. I call it to mind that You have spoken. I will choose to live in hope rather than despair. You can be trusted. I will wait for You to work.
I remember reading these verses. I was looking for the part where it said God’s compassions never fail, when I noticed the first part – about calling it to mind. I set my jaw in great determination and through gritted teeth, I declared that I would call this to mind. I would be purposeful about it. I would. If it killed me.
Literally for the rest of the night (Braeya's pathetic birthday party excluded), I paced around the house, repeating those verses over and over. Sometimes I said them calmly, and sometimes through bitter tears, but always with great determination to see this thing through to the end.
One of the biggest blessings of the journey was the way a particular and unsolicited group of friends began to rally around me. One such friend was Kari. I met Kari through her mom, who is a co-worker of mine, and for the last several years, she and I have gotten in the habit of emailing back and forth every day. She had been eager to hear the stories of Isaac along the path of the early, gushy-love days. But, being far from a fair-weather friend, she was also willing to stay an active participant in the painful days as well. And on May 5th, she emailed me this, which was a point I'd never considered:
You can only love Isaac as much as you love yourself. Are you loving yourself? The Bible says to love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. We should love God first, ourselves second, and others third because we can’t love others unless we are loving ourselves. So love yourself...love yourself a whole lot right now and when the time comes, you will be ready to love Isaac the way you are supposed to and the way he needs you to.
Funny, since you always hear that others are supposed to be second and you are last in line. But I thought she had a great point. I wasn’t eating or sleeping. I was barely showering. There was no way I could love others because I didn’t have any love for myself at all.
That night I wrote, Lord, I know You’ve started a healing work in me. I can feel Your calming presence. I can feel desire again. Desire to live and laugh. Jesus, please don’t let it be too late for me to show this to Isaac. Please let him want to see the joyful Bekah again. Allow me the opportunity to let him see my joy and peace. Anything other than heaviness and tears.
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