Desert Sands

The earliest days of the desert were filled with deep grief and confusion. I learned as I made my way through the desert that it always seemed to be changing. I would just grow accustomed to the way God seemed to be teaching me, and then I'd hit another phase, and I'd have to adjust to a new way of learning.

Those earliest days are hard to blog about because they are so raw and personal. I held nothing back from the Lord as I wrote to Him each night, but I am going to hold parts of it back from you because I don't want to be quite that vulnerable, and I also don't want to hurt Isaac's heart.

However, I do want to share a bit of the journal with you because I do want you to be able to see how I approached my confusion. I've had people ask me before how I pray. I pray just like I talk to anyone else. I just say what's in the deepest places of my heart. Here's an example of one of those early nights:

Jesus. Oh how I love You. You’ve gotten me another day closer to the Promised Land. Thank You for giving me the grace to work today…for giving me things to do to occupy my time after work…and for the assurance that You are at work in my Isaac's heart.

Help me to be faithful. Help me to hang in here with You. Learn Your lessons. Learn Your love.

Help me. Fear. Trust. Control. I call this to mind – and therefore I have hope. Healed and restored. Healed and restored.

Work in my Isaac. Work in his heart. Heal him. Speak to him. Love him. Open his heart to the possibility of risk. Help him to see what You’ve said to me. Oh Jesus. Be big.


That night I "happened" to open the Bible to Isaiah 35. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, but this is what I found on the page...and it was the beginning of such "happenings" in the way God spoke to me in the desert. “The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy…Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; Say to those with weak hearts, ‘Be strong, do not fear. Your God will come, he will come with a vengeance; with divine retribution, he will come to save you…”

Oh Jesus. DO IT!

The next night, I wrote again, and I find this part especially interesting now, given my current position in this journey.

Oh Jesus…Thank You for getting me through today. You asked a hard thing of me. Would I be willing to trust You even if Isaac called and broke up with me entirely? Wow. What a hard question! I have no choice, but I know I would be broken if he did. I know, I know. Healed and restored by the fourth of July. I know.
That day, I happened upon another verse that seemed to so perfectly fit my place in life:

Habakkuk 2:3 – “For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.” Oh Jesus, reveal it to him. Show him what You’ve shown me.

Thank You for giving me the peace to do something tonight. Thank You for holding me and giving me strength.

Give me grace for this night.

Another thing that began to happen in the early days...and continued to happen throughout the journey was the list of invitations. As I alluded to in the last desert post, I was barely functional at this point. I had no desire to make plans to do anything fun - or just anything at all. In fact, this girl who could never be found apart from her pretty pink day planner, closed the thing, put it in a bag, and it stayed there until the end of August! I didn't care if I had plans or not, and I certainly didn't care if I remembered to attend any plans I may have made.

But God knew that staying home alone all the time was a bad idea, so He sent person after person my way to drag me out of my house (literally at times!) and force me to participate in life.

Here's how it began:

A good friend of mine, Olivia, has a younger sister named Payge. She was going to prom, and called to ask me if I’d do her makeup. I actually laughed out loud when she asked. I’d barely WORN makeup in the last month, and she was soliciting me to beautify her for a night immortalized in pictures? She assured me that a makeup artist was exactly what she needed, so that Saturday, I packed up all my makeup and drove across town to apply eyeshadow and eyeliner. I have never before (or since) been asked to do makeup, but that day it killed an afternoon, and I was grateful.


Even as I did her makeup, I worried about how I would survive a long night at home alone. God was already ahead of me. My friend, Phats, texted to see if I wanted to go with him to the choir concert at our old high school. I had no good reason to stay home and sitting, listening to music, seemed something I might be capable of doing, so I agreed. When I got in the car with him, I told him the briefest possible version of my drama – just so he’d know, in case I burst into tears at some song. (I did not, by the way...even when the girls choir sang about wanting somebody to love. I hear ya, sisters!)

Such simple things. Little verses randomly noticed on the pages of the Bible. Friends who called out of the blue to arrange things completely out of the ordinary. These were the sandals that protected me from the hot desert sands.