Coming Home

After a couple of days off, I think I'm ready to resume reliving the desert. Even typing that sentence reminds me of a particular part of the desert (that we're actually almost to...) when I would have paid a great sum of money for a two day reprieve. Isn't it hard when you're facing something in life (whether illness or loss or unemployment or anything that brings challenge) and you just want a two day vacation, and you can't have it?

When I arrived home from Virginia Beach, I actually got back to my house pretty late at night. I was able to go to bed and fall asleep. But I knew that when I awakened the next day, I would still have to face the first of two remaining vacation days - neither of which held any plans. I had no idea what I would do for two whole days.

The minute I woke up, I started journaling.

Jesus. Be so powerful in my life. I long to be found faithful – even in this storm.

Yesterday’s Streams says, “Often the Lord calls us aside from our work for a season and asks us to be still and learn before we go out again to minister. And the hours spent waiting are not lost time.” And as I sat in Lynnette’s apartment yesterday and cried out to You, I knew that’s what You were asking of me. To be still. To trust You. To understand that You are at work.

I would like to break into my journaling reverie here to say that looking back, I see that from the moment I walked into the desert, and all the way through it, I never doubted God was behind it. I didn't like it. It hurt. No one around me understood it except Isaac, and he was the one person I couldn't share it with. But I knew God had ordered it for me, and I was fiercely determined to be faithful to the very end of it. Now back to journaling about Streams.

And it goes on to say, “Quite often, God will ask us to wait before we go, so we may fully recover form our last mission before entering the next stage of our journey and work.” Oh God. I know You must need this of us, but Holy Father, how desperately I miss my sweet love. How I miss his gentle words of love.

And today. How I hurt. How I long for the day to be like it was 2 months ago when we met for the first time.

Today’s Streams says, “The pressure of difficult times makes us value life…Some people have a shallowness about them with their superficial nature. They lightly take hold of a theory or a promise and then carelessly tell of their distrust of those who retreat from every trial. Yet a man or woman who has experienced great suffering will never do this. They are very tender and gentle and understand what suffering really means…Trials and difficult times are needed to press us forward. They work in the way the fire in the hold of a mighty steamship provides the energy that moves the pistons, turns the engine, and propels the great vessel across the sea, even when facing the wind and the waves.”

Maybe I am shallow. Maybe I need this time to understand deep despair for later in ministry.
Jesus, I’m sorry I’ve struggled to trust You so much. It must grieve Your heart. I’m sorry I need so much work. I’m sorry I look down at the waves when You ask me to look to You.
Do you remember that old hymn Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus? That day, as I journaled and tried to search my heart in front of the Lord, one of the lines of that song came to me...Oh for grace to trust You more, sweet Father. Fill me. Please bring me forth as gold. Please, Jesus. Empower me to be the Bekah You intend.

Eventually I got out of bed and tried to get ready. Tried to unpack a few things and open the stack of mail that had come in and do other “home from vacation” chores. That afternoon I couldn’t take the suffocating silence of home anymore and I went out to get a tea to drink. While I was out, I stopped by Nate's mother-in-law's office to see her. She told me she was headed down to Nate's that night to watch the baby – and she invited me to go along.

The thought of being back in their house – with all its memories of Isaac– pierced me, but I knew I needed to go. Needed to be back in the place of those comforting memories just as much as I needed to overcome them. So I rode down with her. She played with the baby, and I sat huddled on the couch with my journal and Bible. The same couch where Isaac sat with me just a couple of months earlier now felt strangely comforting as I wrestled with his absence.

Being here – at Nate's – is hard. This couch…where we sat. This room, where he sang to me. Upstairs – where we had so many talks. But I praise You, at the same time – for the chance to be here. The chance to get through this healing “first.”

Jesus, please hold my precious Isaac tonight. Please work a healing in his heart. Teach me how to love him – and how to let go in this time, when that is clearly what You want from me.
I have to turn him over to You. I have to let him go into Your arms and trust You to do a powerful work in the both of us. How do I do it? How do I release the one my heart loves to Your altar?

And yet I know there’s no safer place for him to be.

Jesus. I need You. I need Your arms around me. I need Your comfort to overwhelm me. I need Your strength to carry me.
Then I got out my new study Bible and began to study. Right there in the middle of the babysitting.

Hold me, precious Father. Teach me to love You. To delight in You. To trust You.
Psalm 37:3 says, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.”

Trust means “to attach oneself, confide in, feel safe, be confident, secure. Denotes a confident expectation. The folly of relying upon any other type of security is strongly contrasted with depending upon God alone.” Jesus, I want to attach myself to the word I know I heard You say. Keep me safe and confident in the words I know I’ve heard from You. Help me to live confidently. Help me to place my trust in You alone, not in what Isaac says or doesn’t say.

Isaiah 25:9 – “In that day they will say, ‘Surely this is our God; we trusted in him and he saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.’” Oh Jesus, hasten that day. Bring us together and make us aware of Your presence and guidance.

Isaiah 26:3 – “you will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.”

I wondered what Nate thought when he saw me that evening. I’d already lost quite a bit of weight and I was sure the heaviness of my life showed on my face. I wanted him to see I was okay – but I also wanted him to see I was not okay.