Conversations with God...

The day after the Gaither concert, I went on a (semi-huge) shopping spree down in Indianapolis to get some clothes that actually fit. I was tired of the work ladies complaining about my baggy pants...but more than that, some of the pants were actually starting to fall down while on me. This is NOT a good thing. Armed with a new stash of fitting clothes, I came home.

But despite my determination to participate in things like concerts and shopping, my heart was never far from conversing with the Lord.

One of the things I struggled with that day was knowing that the following weekend was Memorial Day weekend. Back in the pre-wilderness days, Isaac had invited me to visit him at his parents' home to meet the family over that weekend. Given that we were "wildernessing" and really at that point, not even talking, I was pretty certain the road trip was off. But my heart wanted so much to believe God was about to rock a miracle in my world, I refused to give in to the possibility of anything less.

My heart has ached today, Jesus. Memorial Day is next weekend and my thoughts struggle to accept the reality of not going. I know it is still a week away and perhaps, somehow, You are working to create a way for me to go as planned, but I feel I must prepare also to not go and to trust that if that’s the case, You are still faithful. 

That last sentence stands out to me as I read it now, because that became the core of my struggle in the not-too-distant future. I had to learn how to accept that HE was still faithful as Almighty God even when the miracle my heart knew I'd been promised did not materialize.

Lord, how do I learn to wait patiently before You? 

That's the closest you'll ever get to hearing me pray for patience. :)

Guess what Streams used as a verse that day? Good old Psalm 37:5 - "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this." Psalm 37...the chapter that started the whole journey back in February...surfaced again! Streams went on to say...

“The literal meaning of this verse is, ‘Roll your way onto Jehovah and trust upon Him and He works'...When does He work? He works now. We act as if God does not immediately accept our trust in Him and thereby delays accomplishing what we ask Him to do. We fail to understand that He works as we commit. He works now! Our expectation that He will work is the very thing enabling the Holy Spirit to accomplish what we have rolled onto Him. At that point, it is out of our grasp and we are not to try to do it ourselves. He works! Take comfort from this and do not try to pick it up again. What a relief there is in knowing He really is at work in our difficulty! He works if you have rolled your burdens onto Him and are looking unto Jesus to do it. Your faith may be tested, but He works. The Lord will follow through on His covenant promises. Whatever He takes and holds in His hand, He will accomplish. Therefore His past mercies are guarantees for the future and worthy reasons for continuing to cry out to Him.”

Lord, You and I did have a good talk on the drive home today – in which I know I heard You ask me to stay faithful – to let You love me – to trust You, to be ready for the door to blow wide open…to be prepared to move quickly.
Again...as I read this now, the phrase "to let You love me" stands out. I didn't understand that day what God wanted when He whispered those words to my heart that day!

Oh Father, I roll the burden to You. You see my sweet Isaac. Heal his heart. Love him. Carry him. Set him free. Teach him to love me as You love the church.

Jesus, I do believe Your covenant and I believe You have spoken and You will fulfill. You will be big in our lives. You will restore love and wholeness.