What is Happening?

I knew Sunday was going to be the first in a series of difficult days for Isaac. I knew it would be hard for him to say goodbye to the people at his church, and I could envision it all the more, since the Sunday before, I'd worshiped in that church with him.

I thought I would hear from him several times throughout the day, as he had breaks in between meeting with people, but I didn't hear much. And the knot in my stomach grew larger with each silent moment. In fact, that evening, I spent about three hours pacing the width of my bedroom, alternating between thinking out loud and praying out loud, trying through either method to grasp what was happening in my suddenly not-so-perfect world.

At last, I paused, sat on the bed, and pulled out my journal: My heart overflows with emotion, Jesus. This weekend was harder than I ever expected it to be. It was not the date I planned. I felt I did not live up to the expectations I have for myself as a girlfriend (perhaps therein lies the key phrase) and I feel scared. Satan has come after me with a vengeance. Protect me. Thank You for getting him through this day. Please watch over him wherever he is right now. Keep him safe and bring him back home so we can talk. I miss him. I wish I had real words to convey the rest of what my heart feels. Help me.
He didn't come home until very late, and bless his heart, even though he was perfectly exhausted physically and emotionally from the day, he logged onto Skype without hesitation and we began to talk. I asked him what was wrong and though he tried to assure me he was okay, I knew he wasn't. I knew his heart and I knew it was breaking. Finally, he shared that he felt he was unable to offer what I wanted...what I needed...what I deserved...in a relationship.

Most of my heart expected that response. But the part of my heart that loved him so and knew how stress-filled his life was in that moment couldn't bear to let him walk away. I've heard over and over that you should never make major life decisions during times of major life change. He was moving. Leaving his job. Starting a whole new life that in that moment was largely saturated with complete unknowns. It made sense to me that he wouldn't feel able to offer a relationship what it deserved. After all, relationships are about commitment and provision and forward-thinking. It's hard to do any of those things when your entire world is in upheaval.

The three or more hours I'd spent thinking/pacing/praying prior to our Skype call had certainly prepared me for this discussion. I managed to talk with him calmly and I didn't cry...which was just...well, it was a Christmas miracle.

After a couple hours of talking, we agreed that for the time being, we wouldn't make any changes. We wouldn't break up. We wouldn't even "take a break." We weren't Ross and Rachel. :) We would just take life one day at time and in a couple of weeks, when our next scheduled date arrived, we would see how things were going.

The next day, I journaled in pure desperation,

I can’t even bring myself to relive the past 24 hours. The doubts Isaac has had, the worry I’ve had that he is breaking up with me – oh wow. This is a bump in the road I did not envision. This is heartache and pain. And yet I don’t’ want to give up. I want to hang tight. I want to keep trying.
(Reminder...this next part is pivotal because Psalm 37 was the chapter that God had pressed on my heart way back in February as I was first hearing about this man named Isaac...)

How I should be reading Streams these days! I don’t remember the last time I did…

…and yesterday’s verse came from Psalm 37! Verse 5 – “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this.” And it says, “I once believed that after I prayed, it was my responsibility to do everything in my power to bring about the answer. Yet God taught me a better way and showed me that self-effort always hinders His work. He also revealed to me that when I prayed and had confident trust in Him for something, He simply wanted me to wait in an attitude of praise and do only what He told me. Sitting still, doing nothing, except trusting in the Lord causes a feeling of uncertainty, and there is often a tremendous temptation to take the battle into our own hands…often we fail to give God an opportunity to work, not realizing that it takes time for Him to answer prayers.” Wow. How true and how opposite of this I have acted!

And today’s: - Exodus 14:13 – “Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today.” It says, “The Master’s Word to me is ‘Stand firm.’ And the best thing I can do at these times is to listen only to my Master’s word, for others will come to me with their suggestions and evil advice. Idleness will come, crying ‘Get up and do something!’ To stand firm and wait is sheer idleness. Why is it I must think I need to be doing something right now instead of looking to the Lord? He will not only do something – He will do everything.

Jesus, waiting is not my forte. I know the passion of my heart and desire to marry Isaac. But help me to keep my eye focused on You. Jesus, this work You’re doing in me is excruciating. I hurt in ways I couldn’t have imagined. And yet I welcome the pain because I know You are at work in it.