Sunday Afternoon Outside

The Sunday before Memorial Day weekend was absolutely gorgeous. Sunny, not too hot, not too cold, a slight breeze. GORGEOUS. So after I came home from church, I took my laptop and my journal and headed outside to my little patio table to enjoy some fresh air. (Being inside my house was still too hard for me.)

So I sat and wrote from my heart to my Jesus...

You are moving in ways I can’t grasp. What must You be doing in Isaac?

I never thought healing in my heart was possible. I never thought I could breathe again. Never thought I would laugh again – at least until he came back to me. I never dreamed I would care about my own life again. And that I would have any reason to hope or live. And yet I feel some zest for life creeping back toward me.

As I sat there, I read from Ephesians. (I have a set of verses...one for every letter of the alphabet...that I've been praying for my Mr. Missing husband for several years now. One of the verses comes from Ephesians, where it talks about how husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. That was what I read as I journaled this next part...)

Even so, Jesus, how I miss my sweet boy. Lord God, I want to pray a new prayer over him. You’ve told me You’ll bring him back healed and restored and better able to love me than before – and today as I read one of my husband verses in Ephesians, I realized this whole CHAPTER is pivotal, or this whole section, rather:

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-24)

Help me to submit to You in this time – even while I pray that You will be at work in him in such a way that I can safely submit to him when You bring him back to me. Make him into the husband I can trust. The one who is head over me in a way that honors YOU.


“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” (Ephesians 5:25-27)

Lord, teach him now, in this wilderness, how to love me. Lift him up, precious Jesus, and give him worth as a leader. Open his eyes to what he’s capable of doing. Plant in him a desire to love me as You love me. Let our love be tender and let it point to You in all things.

As I read those prayers now, the hurting part of me wonders if those were moments wasted, but the logical part of me knows they weren't. If Isaac ever chooses to marry, I hope those prayers I prayed for him will make him a better husband for his wife. And I don't know whether or not anyone will choose to marry me, but if so, I hope the prayers I prayed for myself in those moments will make me a better woman for that role.

Jesus, THANK YOU for this storm. Thank You for this wilderness. Thank You for taking a risk on me. Thank You for seeing something in me I couldn’t/can’t see. Thank You for holding me. Thank You for getting me out of bed every day and pushing me to work and to exercise and to feed the cats and to do laundry.

Thank You for crying with me, interceding before the Father, and for giving me hope.

And Oh, God, how I wish I knew what You were doing in Isaac right now. How I wish I understood Your ways – and yet I know they are so beyond me.

This is consecrated time. Of that, I am sure. Jesus, help me to redeem the time. Help me to not waste it. Help me to be uplifted and help me to trust You in this wilderness.

Life is good, Jesus. Sitting here on the back porch, at my table, feeling the breeze against my arm, drinking chai, chatting online with Angela, looking out at green grass and sunny skies with a hint of clouds. My pitiful rosebushes are blooming. The weeds are alive and here I am – actually enjoying this life.

Well God, I’ve reached the end of another prayer journal. The end of another piece of the journey I share with You. I was in a drought when I entered this book and I’m leaving it in a desert. But, my precious Jesus – Blessed be Your name...when I’m found in the desert place... though I walk through the wilderness...blessed be your name. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say: BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!

Psalm 40 – Oh Jesus, hear my cry. Lift me – lift ISAAC– out of the slimy pit. Set our feet on a rock and put a new song in our mouth. Let our story – our lives – be a testimony to others. Bring about the wonders You have planned in our lives – in our relationship.

I do desire to do Your will. I know Isaac desires the same. Let us speak of Your faithfulness.

Save us. Save our love. Be big in our lives. Be our magnificent obsession.

Oh, do not delay, Father. Work a mighty work. Be glorified.

And Jesus, as I start a new journal, I take with me the cry of my heart – oh may all who come behind me find me faithful. Jesus, keep me faithful to YOU. Keep me faithful to my sweet Isaac. Keep me faithful in this journey. You know the way that I take. Please keep me close to Your side and bring me forth as gold. Hasten the Promised Land, sweet Jesus. Be glorified.