Sunday, March 4, 2007

I am not smarter than a fifth grader. Did anyone else watch that new show this week? I stayed tuned after American Idol just to see how smart I really am. After three nights of questions, I have no idea how I made it this far in adulthood. Clearly I am a stupid woman.

And yet, the show truly proves the point that I tried to make time and time again during school – Why do I need to know this stuff? It won’t ever matter!! Teachers assured me that it would, in fact, matter at some point in my life. I think this week’s quiz alongside some ultra-cute, ultra-personality-laden ten year olds was the first time such knowledge was ever needed.

So I submit to you the following things that make me boldly say, “I am not smarter than a fifth grader,” along with my statements of why that is a-ok with me!

* I guessed right that Columbus Day is in October – only because my Dad’s birthday is somewhere around Columbus Day. In the real world, though, Columbus Day is not a paid work holiday, so why do I need to know when it falls?

* On a total whim, I guessed that polar bears do not feed on penguins. How was I supposed to know that they live on opposite ends of the planet? Hasn’t anyone watched Lost? Polar bears live just about anywhere they want to, whether or not it makes sense.

* If a triangle has an area of 16 square inches and a base of 8 inches, how high are the sides? Well it isn’t 8 inches, I can tell you that. Turns out, it’s 4. About all I know of triangles is that they make the shape of a yield sign on the road – now that is actual useful information – especially if there’s a car coming!

* Red + yellow = orange. I knew that. Brick red + peach - primer = pink. Learned that one the hard way. Also learned that two shades of reddish brown faux-painted over said pink makes a great shade of terra cotta.

* Did you know the sun is a star? It is, and it’s the closest star to earth. I knew that one too, but more importantly, I’d like to know where the sun is these days. I have some snow that needs to melt.

* The lady on the show did not know that Canada’s border with the U.S. is longer than Mexico’s border with the U.S. Apparently the longer border does not speak louder than the trouble-laden border. Another point scored for the squeaky wheel.

* After much thought, I correctly guessed that there are 200 decades in two millennia. Given that my own life span is closer to two decades than two hundred, this hasn’t really mattered to me yet. Two decades can, however, feel like two hundred. Or two millennia for that matter.

* I must admit that I, the writing major, incorrectly answered the question, “How many times does the letter E appear in Pledge of Allegiance?” I guessed five. Turns out allegiance is not spelled allegience. Apparently it does not matter that I actually know the pledge and learned in Girls’ State how to properly position my hand over my heart while reciting the pledge. Probably doesn’t matter that I also know three verses to the Star Spangled Banner.

* The Big Dipper is not in the constellation Orion, but rather in Ursa Major. I didn’t know about Ursa Major. I know that Ursula was a big bad sea villain in The Little Mermaid. Guess that doesn’t matter.

* I did not know that there are 15 teaspoons in 5 tablespoons. I guessed 10. But hey, I can make a mean batch of chocolate chip cookies, proving I know how to actually use teaspoons and tablespoons. Isn’t that all that counts?

* Do you know what element on the periodic table is symbolized with NA? No, I sure didn’t. I passed Chemistry by the grace of God and Mr. McBride. I haven’t looked at a periodic table since. All I know is that sodium is bad for you. Doesn’t keep me from enjoying it.

* I correctly guessed that the largest species of bear is the polar bear. See? That first season of Lost is helping!

So I’m not smarter than a fifth grader. Shoot, on the third night, I wasn’t even smarter than a first grader.

Know what that proves?

All you really need to know, you learned in Kindergarten.