Worth It Wednesday #10

Ten weeks ago...okay, so really eleven weeks ago...I sat on the couch with Ryan and told him I felt compelled to do a series of blog posts about worth. I did it partly because I felt lousy about myself and partly because I could tell a lot of you felt lousy about yourselves.

And over these ten weeks together, we've talked about it all - from body image to spiritual worth to just about every other arena. And last week, when Ryan read the Worth it Wednesday blog post, he said to me, "This is the first one in the whole group that you've written that comes from the perspective of someone who is encouraging others rather than still caught up in it herself."

I love his perspective. He sees what I don't, and that's why we're a good team.


I stared at the post on the screen and knew. I'd accomplished what I set out to accomplish with the series of posts. Not that I have begun to ooze with annoying amounts of worth, but I have grown. I do more quickly see in myself what God wants me to see.

And oh, how very much I hope you've done the same. I hope, if you think back to that first post I wrote in this little series, that you've come a long way in knowing, you're worth so much.

Here's the thing.

I'm a girl who likes moments of definition. Like the moment I sat in a chair and went from girlfriend to fiancee in a matter of five minutes. I can point back to that event and say "this happened there."

But some things don't come in a moment like that. Some things are just a slow change and one day you realize it happened, though you don't know when or where or how.

I don't think I've mentioned this on the blog, but about a month ago, I joined up with our morning guys for the last hour of their show, and we hang out together, laughing, talking, and telling stories. {Translation: they pick on me.} {All in good fun.} And yesterday Ryan got to hear part of our show, so we were chatting about it on the phone after work.

He said these words: "Who ever would have thought that all the crazy things that happen to you would be such good story material? The wallflower isn't a wallflower anymore."

Whenever I describe myself in my high school days, the fastest way I know to explain it is: I was a wallflower. I was invisible to a lot of people...and it was hard. Most people want to be at least noticed.

And if you'd told me back then that one day I'd sit behind a mic at a radio station and tell stories and make people laugh - I would have insisted you had the wrong girl. Wallflowers aren't worth microphones and air time.

But somewhere, somehow, sometime, in an undefined moment, this wallflower found her worth. And is continuing to find her worth. A long, hard, slow, occasionally painful road has taken a turn into some beautiful country that is a joy to travel.

And seriously, dear bloggy friends, I hope, hope, hope that it's the same for you. That in this ten week journey, you've taken a turn into some beautiful country - or at the very least, you've gotten on the road in search of beautiful country.

Today is the end of this series. Not the end of the blog - good grief, I talk way too much to quit blogging. But it's the end of the series. God has put something else on my heart to write about and I'll be getting to that next week.

But I wanted to leave you with the encouragement that you are worth so much...and if you still aren't convinced, please keep walking forward, a step at a time, and know that one day, you'll look back and realized that somewhere, somehow, sometime you discovered what God knew all along.

Worth it Wednesday #9

I have a handful of friends who are going through some confusing/frustrating/painful love life seasons right now. Their emails to me and our conversations back and forth have caused me to think back to my own single season, which was not all that long ago, and it's helped me to see a valuable lesson I learned during that time.

And I didn't even realize it until I got all the way through to the other side and looked back.

When I was single, I ached to be married. And not just because I wanted a new last name or someone to help with yard work or a buddy at family gatherings. A big part of the reason I wanted to get married was to feel that I was worth choosing.

Before you jump all over me in the comments and tell me that my worth is found in the Lord and I don't need a man to be worth something, let me add, I know that. But it's kind of a twist on that whole "It doesn't count if Mom tells me I'm pretty. She has to think that. She's my mom" mentality. I KNOW my worth is in the Lord. And trust me...the only reason I made it through 34 1/2 years of singleness was because I DID understand {to varying levels at varying times} my worth in the Lord.

That. Did. Not. Mean....that I didn't also ache for a person to find me worth marrying. And I will be completely honest here and tell you that more often than not, I felt my single status was because I wasn't worth picking. I was too much work. Too much drama. Not worth the fight. And if you were to read my journals, you'd find those very words - possibly smeared by puddles of dried tears.

True or not, healthy or not, it's the way too many girls feel. {And probably guys too - but I can only speak for the gender I know best.}

And I see my friends wading through the thick of it right now. Feeling unworthy when love passes by without a glance, or worse, after a glance.

And in that season of longing to be found worthy in the eyes of a man, I did all sorts of things to prove my worth. I bought new clothes, I grew my hair, cut my hair, changed its color, went to events, avoided events...you name it, I did it. Anything I thought would make me good enough, I maneuvered {read: CONTROLLED} in an attempt to be found worthy.

In the end, the one who chose me was not the recipient of any of my carefully manipulated efforts. He wasn't someone I chased. He wasn't someone I did anything for. He was my friend and nothing more.

BUT.

While I was just busy living, doing my thing, not trying to impress him, he observed my character. He saw the worth. He wasn't looking for love, and at that time, those things didn't draw me to him in a romantic way. But when God's time was right, he knew he wanted a chance with me because he remembered the character he'd seen in me along the way.

And he found that worthy.

So I say....

If that's you today...if you feel like you don't have worth because you're not chosen, despite all the effort you're expending...I say hold tight. Hold tight and dive farther and farther into the love God has for you {though it might feel like the last thing you want to push your energy toward} and just live. Just live your life. Whatever it looks like. Live it. Heartily. Love Jesus, go to work, take care of your body, pursue your passions, get some rest, schedule some fun, and love Jesus some more.

Obviously I have no idea how {or if} God plans to bring love your way. His details are different for each person - so completely and beautifully tailored. But be you. You never know when someone - perhaps a person you never expect - might be seeing you just living and being you. And one day, that might be the very thing that displays your worth the most fully.

Worth it Wednesday #8

I ran across this on Pinterest this week:

Source: twothingsincommon.blogspot.com via Rebekah on Pinterest

Did you catch it??? If not, read it again. Maybe a third time just for good measure.

This week has been an interesting week in my heart. And by interesting, I mean that God-thoughts have been flying all around faster than I can capture them and certainly faster than I can comprehend them.

I texted Ryan one day and said, "God is up to something." His response to me was, "Are you okay?"

That wasn't the answer I expected, but I think it was perfectly timed. The Bekah of old used to squirm and wring her hands when God was up to something. {Because, you know, it often involved change and  perhaps stepping outside my comfort zone.}

But that day, I stared at my phone and answered quickly and sincerely, "Oh yes."

He's up to something and I'm okay with it.

What does this have to do with worth, you ask? Or the quote for that matter?

God is up to something. I don't yet know what it is, but I know He's up to something...and when He reveals that to me, He needs me to report for duty.

And the Bekah who needs to report for duty is the Bekah who believes {unwaveringly} that she is worth being chosen by God to do this task. To believe I was chosen, created and breathed to life by God Himself - for such a time as this.

I have to believe...to my core...that quote.

I have to believe...with all my heart...that I'm worth being chosen.

If I don't believe those things, I won't be free to be to take on the yet-to-be-named task.

You are called, too. He might not be stirring up things in your life the way He is in mine...but He still has a call upon your life. Do you, really really really in the middle of your heart...believe you're worth that call?

Worth it Wednesday #7

I remember learning this story from Beth Moore...and I think I heard her tell it in a teaching video, rather than reading it in one of her books...but either way, it stuck with me. She was telling about a time her daughter was in love with a guy, and if I'm not mistaken, everyone was sure he was the one...and then the relationship ended. Beth told how her daughter was so devastated by the loss that she was in bed for days and Beth and her husband took turns sitting with her, watching movies, and praying her heart would recover.

If I could remember the exact quote, this story would be so much better, but one day Beth asked her husband if he thought things would ever improve for their daughter and he said he was confident they would...that their daughter had the strength of a lion and one day, she would roar again. And sure enough, in a fleeting glimpse, the day came when Beth and Keith heard the tiniest roar from her....the tiniest bit of the daughter they knew...and their hearts were comforted that she would be okay.

Obviously I've done a poor job of relaying the story the way Beth told it {and really, who can tell a Beth story except BETH?} but what I've always remembered from that illustration was that strength begins with a small roar. And it grows from there.

And I'm so excited to say that whether or not you can see this from your vantage point in my life, I've heard a tiny roar. I've seen improvement in my heart. And that makes me unbelievably happy. Still a long way to go in fully grasping worth...but it's there. It's rising up.

And here's how I know.

While perusing my Pinterest boards this week, I ran across this list that I pinned a long time ago:

Source: theaccidentalexecutive.tumblr.com via Rebekah on Pinterest

I glanced at it and my heart surged...because I could answer the first six suggestions positively. Obviously this is a generic list that doesn't center on the Lord, but I've modified some of the measuring sticks to better fit my own life. And here's what I've observed:

1. Know Yourself. The last seven weeks of walking this road with you have pushed me to get to know...me. To do a full examination of my heart and mind, to uncover, discover, sometimes rediscover what God has created me to love and why.

2. Understand What Makes You Feel Great. Right after my trip to Cincinnati earlier this month, I marched right in to the salon and said, "Chop it off." I'd been growing my hair to try to look younger and because every guy loves long hair, right? I think Ryan loves whatever hair doesn't make me stand in the bathroom every morning shouting "I HATE MY HAIR!" What made me feel great about myself was a haircut I could manage in under an hour...and the old one wasn't cutting it. So I cut it. Same thing has happened with some of my clothes lately. If it doesn't make me feel great, I don't wear it.

3. Recognize Things that Get You Down. And I would add to that...change them. I recognized that my eating and exercising patterns were getting me down, making me frustrated, and not helping me feel better about myself. So I changed them. And since I've changed those habits, I've felt much better physically and in turn, felt much better about myself.

4. Set Goals to Achieve What You Want. Well, for me, the modified version is setting goals to achieve what I feel God calling me to do. I've been a longtime fan of goal setting, and I do love doing it.

5. Develop Trusting Friendships that Make You Feel Good. Of course there are friendships that challenge you and push you - and those are good too. I appreciate my friends that aren't afraid to give me a gentle kick in the seat of the pants, but I also have had some friendships that were just...toxic. People whose words and decisions pull me down. And I've begun to learn that you can be kind and loving toward those people, without inviting them into your inner circle of life...and it's okay to hold them at bay. I've been so fortunate to have so many relationships that have lasted years and years - and even though I don't get to see or talk to those friends as often anymore, they're still great influences, and I treasure the times I do get with them. And I'm blessed to get to make new friends along the way, too. I used to feel a sense of obligation to keep all friends in an intimate circle of knowledge, but I've been learning it's okay to let the unhealthy ones sit back a bit.

6. Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help. I balked at this for years...mostly because I believed I wasn't worth bothering other people. Being married to Ryan has been a huge source of God-ordained healing in my heart in this area, because he's made it safe for me to ask for help. And when he reaches out and helps me, he builds confidence in me that I'm worth helping and it's okay to admit my need.

As for the rest...well...those need some work. But I hear the tiny roar of being over halfway through a list upon which, I used to scored a 0%. God is working and moving! And I love it.

And for you, my worthy-of-love friend, how are you doing? Do you know you're worth these things? Do you know the strength is in you and if you listen closely...you might hear a tiny roar?

Worth it Wednesday #6

A couple of weeks ago on Worth it Wednesday, I gave myself an assignment...to work on developing a mission statement and a bio that I could potentially use for speaking engagements. And the second {and perhaps more gulp-inducing} portion of the assignment was to decide how much I might charge to speak.

Baby steps.

I sat down with the intention of writing a mission statement and discovered...I wasn't sure what it would be. Rather than becoming discouraged by my apparent lack of natural mission, I moved on to the bio.

And that's when I decided the bio should come first. You learn a lot about your mission in life when you write your bio.

The bio {for me} is still a work in progress, so I'm not ready to formally publish it yet, but I wanted to share with you some of the things I learned along the way.

* The thing that used to be my greatest hangup is now the opening to my testimony. My life was a total surprise to my parents, but I was completely and divinely purposed by God. I cannot even begin to tell you how much the whole "surprise child" description used to wreck my mind. So many questions. So many tears. So much confusion. And one day, God set me free from those hangups and He began to instill in my heart that being purposed by Him trumps human planning any old day. And the transformation is so great in my heart that what used to define me for evil now defines me for good.

* The answers to the greatest desires of my life have been so intricately intertwined that I couldn't begin to separate them if I tried. When I could only see what was directly in front of me, God was weaving a story, and its details formed some of the greatest highlights of my testimony.

* God has already given me some very distinct areas of passion...and I'm sure He has many other areas He's still developing. {You know...I am still awfully young!} But when I looked at the list of things I've already written about...spoken about...taught about...I'm in awe of what He's laid on my heart. Amazing what you learn about yourself when you write it down!

There was one other little part of the assignment...the photo. Pretty sure if I were putting together a "real" bio kit...I'd have pictures taken. But I found a few from the last year or so that at least capture something that to me...shows a girl who feels worthy. And that's what this assignment is really all about. So I share these with you...from moments when I felt most like a girl completely and divinely purposed by God.

I can tell you with all sincerity that if you'd showed me any of these pictures back when I was in high school...struggling to believe I had worth...I would have cried with relief that I would one day turn out normal. Better than normal.

That I would be a girl who would laugh...genuine laughs...and have love sparkle in her eyes.

That I would have strength and courage and desire. That I would be chosen and loved.

That the stigma of surprise would be pushed away by purpose and I would begin to grasp what was true all along: He called me worthy.

Worth it Wednesday #5

Last week I gave myself an assignment...but I confess I have yet to complete it. Between speaking twice this past weekend and being caught up in birthday fun, I didn't get to sit down and really marinate on the things I assigned to myself.

And I certainly don't want to slop through it. So I shall wait until next week for that.

Meanwhile.

Fred Littlefield was my pastor from about sixth grade through my junior year {or so} in high school. A wonderful man of God, Pastor Fred led our church out of a season of serious hurt and he led this girl in a time of serious personal growth. In all those years when God was forming a personal, Heart to heart relationship with me, Fred preached truth and love...and I absorbed.

After leaving our church, Fred and his wife, Naomi, moved back to Kansas, and I actually had the chance to see them during a visit to my sister...not long before Pastor Fred died. This picture means so much to me:

One of the things he said in a sermon...that has stayed with me all this time...is this: If we put Scripture in our spiritual memory bank, God will pull it out at just the right time.

And it occurred to me that the same principle works for worth.

 When people share words of encouragement with me...words of worth...I try so hard to store up the strength of those words for the day when that one insensitive person says that one insensitive comment and I fall apart.

It's true, you know. A hundred people can say something nice to you and one person {and usually a person who is not even that close to you!} can say one ugly comment and it wrecks everything. One hundred lost pieces of love and one magnified wound.

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was a day of much love-tank-filling in Facebook land. Friends left comments, virtual smiles and hugs, and I felt worth it. Worth their two-to-ten seconds to type a message that let me know they paused to reach out my way.

The same happened here at the blog. Much love from you...some of you even that I've never met in real life! And it made me feel honored that you'd spend time here, reading...and then pausing to write me a note.

There are dozens of other examples, but let me give you three.

My husband set the alarm for 4:00 in the morning, to make sure he was up by 4:30, so I could enjoy this start to my birthday:

Pancakes with faces...coffee...fruit...candles...rose...and I felt worthy.

And last night, after dinner, he took me for a walk in the park and carried the tripod and orchestrated {not begrudgingly agreed to, but orchestrated} a birthday photo shoot for me because he knows how I love photos.

And I felt worthy...of his time...of his love...

My best friend mailed my birthday gift a week or so ago, and against my impatient nature, I put the box on the table and waited until the morning of my birthday to tear into it. And it was not yet 6:00 in the morning before I rushed into the den like a 4 year old on Christmas and ripped the box open...and found this:

I wept. I wept because I need these words. I need to see them on my wall and let them infiltrate my mind. I need them on days when that one person is rude...and I feel worthless. The perfect gift at the perfect time.

And finally...

When I got home from work yesterday, I found a stack of cards awaiting me...and one was from Ryan's grandpa. I've known him since I was a kid...long before I even knew Ryan...and always thought he was a sweet man. But look at this card:

Inside, he wrote me a sweet message and signed it "Grandpa" - followed by "That's what Ryan calls me." I cried right there in the hallway where I read it. My own grandparents all went to Heaven when I was in high school. None of them saw me graduate from high school or college. None were at my wedding. And sometimes I miss being a granddaughter.

And he just adopted me in as his own. Not "To my grandson's wife," but Granddaughter.

Worthy of being family.

Ahhh....these are the moments I need to cling to when people speak without thinking. When their ugly words unglue me and give Satan a voice to say "you're worthless." These are the moments I need to pour into my memory bank to be pulled out at the right time - much like the Scripture Pastor Fred urged me to memorize.

My husband finds me worthy. My best friend finds me worthy. The words on the wall art say I'm worthy. I have a Grandpa who called me worthy.

Clinging to it.

Worth it Wednesday #4

I wanted to move away from focusing solely on the whole "looks" part of feeling worth it - partly because I think there's a whole lot more to both being worthy and struggling with worth than just looks.

A few weeks ago, I was invited to speak at a church for their morning service. The church was about an hour and a half from home, so I had to think about gas mileage as part of the adventure. I sought some advice from Lynne {who speaks often} about how to handle things like costs and honorariums when arranging speaking engagements.

She said this to me: Bottom line: you have to figure out how much you're worth for something like this, set a price, and don't be afraid to stick with it.

Yeah.

That's the face I made too. How much I'm worth? I have no idea! How can I say {to a church, of all things} that I "charge" this much money to come and share? Especially when I consider the mere invitation an honor and a trust?

For me, the money isn't the issue. For me, the issue is the hard swallow over realizing I really do have to sit down and determine "what I'm worth" for speaking engagements. Lynne explained to me that when I speak, I'm spending time in prayer, study, and research to even write my talk, and then there's the writing and the reading/learning/rehearsing of the thing...the time out of my day/night/regular life/marriage to travel to the event and present the material. She said I shouldn't feel bad charging for my time, my heart, and my words, because it's what I have to offer.

So why do I?

Why do I feel like it's easier to say to churches and organizations...Oh, you can just pay me whatever you think is fair...instead of confidently standing up and saying, Thanks so much for the invitation! Here's my charge for an evening of speaking...

HUGE gulp.

So...I decided the best starting place in figuring out how much I should charge is to back up and do a little research.  Here are a few of my findings.

* Found this blog post by Rosetta, who is an established speaker, and one thing she talked about was her personal mission statement. {She talked about times she speaks for free or for a greatly reduced cost - and she's willing to do it because the event fits in with her mission statement.} I'm not gonna lie. I am not a fan of mission statements. I think they are wildly overdone and somewhat a waste of time, but in this case, I have to wonder...if I were to sit down and make a statement, it might teach me something about what I feel I'm worth and what I have to offer.

* Found this blog post by Chris, who talks a lot about creating a bio kit so people get to know you and what you have to offer. And you know what? If you know what you have to offer someone else, you might just learn a little bit about your worth.

* I loved this one by Dan - because in my bigger-picture project I've got going on here of actually figuring out what I want/need to charge when I'm invited to speak, it helps me know important things to factor in that might make mores sense on a situation-to-situation basis.

* And I loved this one by Sheila, from a Christian speaker's perspective...because it addresses how to make these kinds of decisions through the lens of prayer and the Spirit's guidance.

So...all that said...here's the assignment I am giving myself for the coming week.

Sit down and work on a mission statement for why I speak {and write} - and create a bio that forces me to look at who I am and what I have to offer. And then...using those things, create "the charge" - and be confident with the number I land on.

You might not be a speaker. You might not need this assignment to actually hand out - but you do have something to offer. Have you ever thought about what you're worth for what you offer? Make your own list - for what you'd say in a job interview - or any other setting that applies to you.

Seriously.

Try it with me?

Worth it Wednesday #3

I can't get my mind off what I wrote about last week...and God's been using the words my friends {and husband} spoke over me to work in my heart.

Hands down, I think the most interesting thing about what they said was this: when I asked them to describe me, their focus didn't land on things like my hair color or eye color. My scar and widow's peak were lost to them. No one commented on arm flab or big pores. They said things like this:

Her eyes are so expressive and she can speak through them.

Her smile and laugh are contagious.

Her eyes are compassionate and tuned in when she looks at others.

Her eyes are bright and expressive.

She has a wide smile.

One thing that sticks out right away is her huge, beautiful smile.

Her eyes are so big, so kind, so loving, so beautiful.

I had no idea that when people see me, they see my eyes and my smile - and not because my eyes have some out-of-this-world clear color about them or because I have perfect teeth. They don't see the physical elements. They see me. Do you get the difference there?

Here are some other observations I made this week as I marinated on their words:

* The other night, Ryan and I were talking about Song of Solomon...you know...the book of the Bible that is the eternal cause of so much giggling for youth group participants and so much perplexity for adults who overanalyze it? I glanced through its words because the whole book is filled with descriptive language. {And I thanked Ryan kindly to never tell me my hair looks like a flock of goats - even if that's the truth.} The book is actually quite breathtaking if you read it in the context of the day - and one of the best studies I ever read on it was written by Lisa Harper - so check it out.

Anyway. Though throughout the book the woman's lover describes her {granted, oddly, for our world} as beautiful in every way, from head to toe, and though she even seemed to realize her own beauty, there was one point where she said, "Do not gaze at me because I am dark, because the sun has looked upon me." {Song of Solomon 1:6} Boy, wouldn't she have loved to live in our day when people bake in tanning beds to get a bronzed look. But in her day, it was the fair and dainty look that was in, and because she was out working in the sun all day, she didn't fit in. And she didn't love that about herself.

Finding your flaws isn't a new thing. It goes back to the days of Solomon and beyond, I'm sure. But what a love story was hers...and what a love GOD had for her, too.

* All this made me think of the verses in 1 Peter 3...."Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." {vv. 3-4}

I love it that when people were describing what they noticed about me, they focused first on the things that come from within - my expressions in my eyes and my smile - before they mentioned things like what I wear or my makeup or jewelry. WE are the ones who have put all the importance on flat stomachs and straight teeth. GOD puts the emphasis on the inside.

* One more thing - and then I'll leave you to think on these things this week. Ryan and I watched the movie "Parental Guidance" on his birthday. If you've not seen it...Billy Crystal and Bette Midler play a couple who go to visit their high-strung daughter and son-in-law, to take care of their kids while they go on vacation. The daughter, played by Marisa Tomei, is SO ANNOYING. About halfway through the movie, Ryan turned to me after I'd muttered yet another complaint about her, and said "You REALLY don't like her, do you?"

At the end of the movie, we watched all the outtakes, and I noticed that in the scenes that contained her, once she broke characater and laughed and joked as herself, I liked her. Not one thing changed about her looks. Her hair and makeup were still great. Her clothes were still nice. She LOOKED the same. But she became beautiful when she ditched the attitude and became genuine.

And I would do well to work on that myself. I want to be known as this girl:

 Not this girl:

For you, my friends...can I just encourage you to do last week's challenge if you didn't already? And if you did...spend this week thinking about that whole inward/outward thing. I think you'll be surprised what God puts on your heart!

Worth it Wednesday #2

I shared this video on my Saturday Six post - and hopefully you've seen it. Very powerful message of how we see ourselves vs. how others see us. I've been thinking about it all week.

Too bad we don't all have a forensic artist friend, huh? In the absence of such a friend in my life, I created a similar activity - which ended up being pretty interesting!

First I asked myself...if I had to describe myself to someone, as the women in the video did, what would I say? Here's my list. On any typical given day, this is how I see myself. These are the things that stick out most to me. The neon signs that say "Here comes Bekah!!"

* Attitudinal hair - sometimes curly-ish, sometimes straight-ish, brown with gray roots too much of the time - a little past my shoulders.
* Big forehead with a widow's peak.
* Hazel eyes.
* Big nose.
* Scar across left cheek.
* Almost straight teeth.
* Tiny fingernails.
* Not flat stomach. {We won't talk about the stomach.} {Except I almost always talk about the stomach.}

Those are the things I see first/most when I look at myself. Now...let me say this. When I blogged last week for Worth it Wednesday, I said this lack of physical self-esteem was something Ryan couldn't fix for me. This is something I have to do for myself. My very wise friend, Kari, said this to me: "You are correct in saying that Ryan can't help you with this but his stability is an awesome resource for you."

SO. TRUE. People can't fix this for us, but people sure can encourage us. People sure can give us perspective. So this week I did a thing that felt silly and kind of embarrassing - but I did it anyway. I emailed 3 people plus Ryan {not that Ryan isn't a people...but he's in a different category because he's my husband} and I asked them how THEY would describe me. Here's some of what they said:

* Her skin is smooth.
* Her cheek bones are well defined.
* Her nose is straight and in good proportion to the size and shape of her face.
* Her eyes are so expressive and she can speak through them.
* Her mouth speaks without saying anything.
* When her hair is curly, she's tired. When it's straight, she's feeling pretty good.
* Her smile and laugh are contagious. The laugh's my favorite.
* She covers her stomach when she gets her pictures taken
* Her eyes are compassionate and tuned in when she looks at others but hurting and insecure when she talks about herself.
* Her nails are always perfectly manicured
* Her hair is always freshly colored
* Her eye makeup is great
* Her clothes are trendy, yet classic
* Her jewelry is always slammin'
* Overall: One beautiful girl!
* Her eyes are bright and expressive
* She has a wide smile
* Real eyebrows {as opposed to the complete lack of them}
* Cute dimples

Those comments were all from the girls. Now, for what my husband said:

When I look at Bekah, one thing that sticks out right away is her huge, beautiful smile. It will light up a room right away and let others know they are welcome....she does her hair in several different styles that always look good and oh-so-cute. No matter the situation, she can make you laugh by her little quirks or wittiness. She always speaks to me with words of encouragement and strength, making sure I know how much I am loved. And I see her do the same with others who share her same struggles. Then there are her eyes: so big, so kind, so loving, so beautiful, never judgmental. She is such an amazing woman whom I love more every day, and who shows me a love without limits. I thank God for her daily, as I can't imagine life without her. I still can't believe this is my life, and my wife is Bekah - complete Awesome Sauce.

{Awesome Sauce is his nickname for me.}

Things I learned from this experiment are as follows:

* While I see my hair as attitudinal, frizzy, temperamental, and going rapidly gray, others see my hair as fun and versatile - and interestingly enough, freshly colored. {Tip: don't try a scented marker in a pinch. It will fail you. Not that I know this.}
* Not one of them, even my husband, who knows me the best and sees me in the closest possible way, mentioned a widow's peak or the scar on my cheek. They don't see that.
* Not only did the big nose go unmentioned...one said my nose is in correct proportion to my face. And I don't think she meant I had a big face. :)
* The only one who mentioned my stomach only did so in the context of saying she noticed I wasn't comfortable with it.

And this was THE most interesting thing of all:

All of them mentioned my eyes/smile/laugh first and foremost. And every one of them mentioned it not just as a physical feature, but as a deeper feature. Not one of them mentioned the color, but all of them mentioned my eyes were expressive...kind....compassionate...something along those lines. And when they see my smile, they don't see "almost straight teeth" - but they see something joyful and expressive.

My mind is tumbling...and I fear if I keep processing out loud to you right now...this post will become book-length. So I think I'm going to continue to ponder for another week and bring some of my conclusions and lessons learned to you next week.

But in the meantime, I encourage you who struggle with your physical image {and let's face it...who out there doesn't struggle with SOMETHING about yourself?} to be brave and ask a handful of friends to be your "forensic artist." It will feel awkward, but seriously - try it. Make a list of how you see yourself and THEN - after you've made the list - ask four friends to describe you. Then put all the lists side by side and see how others see you in comparison to the way you see yourself.

And as you do this, read with an open mind. Ask God to saturate your heart with His truths about the person He knit together in your mother's womb. {Psalm 139:13-16)

Worth It Wednesday #1

Last week, I shared with you my own struggle to feel...worth it. It's a deep-rooted struggle I've wrestled with my whole life, and the truth is, no matter how wonderful Ryan is {and he is wonderful}...he can't fix this one for me. This one goes way into the core of my heart.

And I invited you to share this journey with me. To take a look within yourself...in the areas where you don't feel worth it...and make a commitment to change. So here we are, my friends. Worth It Wednesday, week one.

Remember last week when I told you that I stared at the ceiling in the bedroom and whispered into the darkness, Will I ever be better? And Ryan's answer to me was If you choose to be.

I've been stuck on that this week. If. You. Choose. To. Be.

All week, I've been working on  choosing to be worth it. Here are my thoughts, and I invite you to take these and bend them around your own feelings of unworthiness...adjust them in ways that will help you choose to be worth it...however that looks in your life.

* Embrace my weakness as a vessel for His strength. I told Ryan earlier that what I did not want this journey to become was one in which I focused on becoming strong. I do not want to look back at the end of this thing {whenever that comes} and say, "Hey look what I did! I'm great! I figured this out." NO. I want to look back at the end and say "GOD did this. It was 0% Bekah and 100% God." I've seen way too many people who took credit for being amazing, instead of crediting God's amazing grace.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 talks about how Paul had a weakness that he begged God to take away from him...but God said no. God said "My grace is sufficient for you...my power is made perfect in weakness."

Source: likesjesus.org via Katya on Pinterest

* Choose - if even through gritted teeth. This week I struggled to feel worthy as a wife. It was nothing Ryan did or said...it was my own expectations. I felt unworthy in my own skin...seeing only ugly in the mirror. I felt unworthy in friendships...as though that picked-last-for-dodge-ball girl had resurfaced. And in those moments, I had to CHOOSE worth. I clenched my jaw and said, "I choose to believe I'm a good wife. I choose to believe I'm a good wife." I didn't believe it, but I said it out loud anyway.

In Matthew 4:1-10, Satan came after Jesus, and Jesus refuted his lies out loud. There's power in the spoken word. Whatever lie the enemy is using to torment you, counter it out loud. Choose, out loud, to be worth it.

* Document the choice. I'm a tangible sort of girl. I learn things so much better if I see them...every day...out loud...in front of me. For me, this week, it came in writing. In journaling the words so I could see them and have them as a document of the journey.

Preacher Jonathan Edwards said this: "I made a solemn dedication of myself to God, and wrote it down; giving up myself, and all that I had to God..." There's power in a tangible declaration. 

In Deuteronomy 6:1-9, God urged His children to write His commands on the doorposts of their houses and on their gates. Right out there where they could see them. No way to forget what's right there in plain sight. What if we did that too? What if we wrote down words of worth and truth?

* Let another Voice be louder. When you don't believe you are worth it...and when Satan screams...listen to truth. This song says it so perfectly:

Think about it this week...and do more than just think.

Do. It.

This is your chance. Your chance to start a journey to believing you're worth it by choosing to believe you're worth it.

I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life...

 ~ Deuteronomy 30:19 ~