A Look Back at February

** If you read this before noon today...I'm speaking at a luncheon and am quite nervous about it. Will take all prayers!! **


I am still baffled by the things I shared with you last week that I learned about my year by looking back at January. So I thought I'd keep the journey going by looking back at February.

February 1 - I reflected on the nine year anniversary of my little niece Carol's death. I said, Funny what you will yourself to remember, knowing there can never be new memories made. And now I realize that statement encapsulates so much of my year. Even though God has urged me not to "pine" (His word, not mine) over what I lost this year, I catch myself sneaking into memories...because I know that's all I have of this season.

February 6 - I was in the midst of a spiritual drought, and I had two very close friends who were going through significant life crises. I wanted to be a help to them but felt so drained in my own spirit, I didn't know how to help. One night, during a fierce snow and wind storm, the garden flag in front of my house blew off the pole and disappeared. I was annoyed with myself for not bringing it inside...I'd noticed it whipping in the wind. The next day, when shoveling out my drive, I miraculously found it, and I wrote My flag! Buried under the snow. Frozen stiff. I could have cried, but I wasn't sure about ice cubes on my cheeks. Silly, I know, but bring on the proof that God cares about everything...all the way down to garden flags. And these are the things that give me the strength to keep on going and keep on giving.

February 7 - I said this about my prayer life: It won’t come as a great shock to you to know I’m not a great listener. FABULOUS talker. Horrible listener. I can listen when it comes to the people around me. But I struggle to listen to God because He doesn’t talk out loud. Listening to Him requires being still. And…well…I’m too wiggly to sit still and listen. Hmm...think God was watching me on that one. I had no idea that in the months to come, He was about to yank the rug from beneath my feet, thereby causing me to sit...and listen. This same day, I also offered this quote from Streams, which today, on the flip side of the silent months, gives me great hope: "I do not believe we have even begun to understand the wonderful power there is in being still. We are in such a hurry, always doing, that we are in danger of not allowing God the opportunity to work. You may be sure that God will never say to us, “Stand still,” “sit still,” or “Be still,” unless He is going to do something. This is our problem regarding the Christian life; we want to do something to be Christians instead of allowing Him to work in us."

February 12 - I titled my post that day Moving Past the Grow-A-Date. I had no idea that in two days, I would receive a literally life-changing email. The one that told me there was a man named Isaac on this planet. Prophetic title!

February 17 - The first day of Lent. I hadn't planned to give up anything, but.... Tonight I was in the car, just singing along like normal, when I suddenly had the urge to turn off the music and pray. So I did. And that's when I knew it. For me, this season of Lent will still be chocolate covered, but it will be silent in the car. The music is off. The moments when I'm not talking to someone else will be spent in prayer. Easter seems so far away...how much will God say to me in this time? I can't wait to find out! Oh Bekah...if you only knew!

February 20 - The day I put the CD containing my manuscript IN THE MAIL!! After one final vacation day...spent in jammies and a pink bathrobe, poring over a Bible while pouring coffee in me...the book is done. I can't edit it anymore. I will go crazy if I try. I have read it countless times...double, triple, quadruple (and on and on) checked it for accuracy...and now it is out of my hands. Literally.

February 22 - Ironically, this was the first day I ever communicated with Isaac. Check out these words. I was quoting Angela Thomas' book, Do You Think I'm Beautiful?...Tonight this part struck me in a profound way. As I made my way through the workbook, I read these words: "Think about being free from the sack of ashes that has come to you through the difficulties of life. Because you are dancing in the arms of God, you don't have to haul that thing around anymore. He wants to make a trade. He'd like to take away your ashes and see you wearing a crown of beauty." And I concluded that post with these words: So why don't I work that hard to be rid of the ash heap of my heart? I think God had a plan in store....

February 26 - I posted about one of my "prayer cards" for Mr. Missing. I haven't posted one since, actually. It became too painful to talk about in the desert. This was the topic of that card: My prayer: The ability to create a safety net for his heart. I hope I did. There are days when I think of things I said or did that probably didn't make him feel safe. Those things sadden me. But I hope when he looks back over the time we spent together, he could say he felt safe with me.

That was February.