From My Heart

I hesitated to post this, but it's been heavy on my heart this week, so I want to talk about it.

You all have been so good and patient to listen to each step of the book journey and I've loved sharing it with you. I've also loved hearing people's reactions as they've started to read the book.

But their comments make me so aware of my faults.

I received one message this week from someone who admitted in his email that he's a cynic when it comes to matters of faith. He thanked me for making the Word understandable to those who struggle.

And I loved reading his message because that's exactly what I hoped to accomplish with what I wrote. I hoped that those who grew up reading the Word would find something new in the perspective from which I wrote. I hoped that those who didn't spend much time studying the Bible would be drawn to do so. His message told me I'd accomplished everything I'd hoped to accomplish...as a writer.

Wednesday night, someone at church told me she loves reading the book, because she sees new things (as I just said I hoped would be the case) as she studies. But she said she's intimidated, too, because she doesn't feel as deep as I am.

In both these pieces of feedback, I felt encouraged as a writer, but I shivered a bit as a person because I so hoped they didn't think I wrote those words with the intention of making them or anyone else think I've got it all figured out. That I'm extra holy.

This Advent book was born out of a Christmas season when I was spiritually far from the Lord. When I couldn't find Him. When I needed to know He was still here and still arriving in the hearts and lives of real people. People who hurt. People who fall down. People who struggle. People who sin.

I am that person.

I have fallen so much this year. I have hurt myself. I have hurt people I love. I have not been a good ambassador for my Abba. I haven't been a good witness. In short, I've sinned.

And those sins grieve my heart just like I know they've grieved His.

It both moves me and petrifies me that He would choose to use my words for good...when I see my struggles. And yet how many of those people I wrote about...struggled too? All of them! We are all the people He came to love and save and transform.

So that's my heart. I'm thrilled and honored to have put words on paper that are pushing people to explore the heart of the Savior. But I want to be honest about my faults and failures. I have both in my life. I've tried my best to make amends with those I've hurt. And from there I have to leave it in the hands of the Lord to believe He has forgiven me and will use me.