A Look Back at April

You know I've been looking back over the year...and I was interested to see what I said during April, because I began the month absolutely in love and ended the month still absolutely in love but having lost Isaac to his wilderness.

My own words surprised and convicted me.


April 1 - Many days recently have found me on my knees or just flat out on my face before the Lord, and I love it. I love the peace He gives. I love the whispers to my heart. I love the acceptance of my prayers...which have ranged from screechingly giddy to deep cries. My heart is full of joy and hope. God is good. He has been good to walk this journey with me, to meet me at each turn with just the strength I need. Just the calm I need. I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day. - 2 Timothy 1:12 I had no idea that I had just begun to hear the whispers to my heart...and I'd not scratched the surface of deep cries and needing calmed.


April 3 - God has blessed my socks off in recent weeks. Never really thought about it until I started to type this sentence, but I think I've been able to see more of the fruit of His Spirit in me now than ever before. My heart overflows with joy and there's absolutely no other aura I'd rather show than the joy and peace He's placed in me. And while I know letting go of fear is going to be a process, it's one I'm ready to tackle with open hands. Again - I knew nothing of the fear that would soon stare me in the face and how God would ask me to tackle it.

April 13 - I know that I know His Voice. And in these past few weeks, I've been more sure of it (in many ways) than I've ever been. But Satan loves to attack me in this area of my life. He knows if he can just get me to doubt a little...fear a little...he's got me and he's got me good. This was just days before the wilderness/desert began. I had no idea the attack that would plague me in just a few weeks. But I know God was teaching me His Voice for those very moments.

April 17 - Heart growth can create a "pain" too. Sometimes hurt...sometimes just stretching that leads to inexplicable emotion. But I'm so thankful for it. My heart wells up with joy this evening because while I am exhausted from the stretching, I'm thrilled to go to bed tonight saying "I've learned something today." And while I'm subject to stumble over it again in the future, I can wake up tomorrow and say, "I'm doing better than I was yesterday!" Honestly, I'm not sure I would have said this if I'd know how much heart pain I was about to experience. But this was the day before the desert began, and I was still eager to learn.

April 20 - Today I spent time in the prayer chapel at lunch and I asked God to shower me with His peace. I asked Him to do a work in my heart. Reveal to me whatever I needed to know. Y'all, that is like praying for patience. Don't ask it if you don't mind boot camp.
April 23 - Sometimes the Lord leads in ways I can't understand. Sometimes growth is not only challenging, but it's achingly painful. Such is the road I walk right now. Deep sorrow and yet deep hope that underlies the sorrow. I can't explain it. The verse that was in Streams from the Desert yesterday was from Job 13:15 - "Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him." I have great hope in my God and the words I know I've heard from His heart to mine. And though this journey may not be what I would have planned, it's not one I would miss. He is leading me to the land He has promised me. I will walk with Him. My first admission on the blog...that something was terribly wrong. I will admit that right now the "great hope" is not as strong as it was that day. Hence the conviction.

April 25 - He has heard my cries and seen my tears. He has held me. He has comforted me. He has spoken words of assurance and love. He has given me glimpses of hope when I think I have none. He has disciplined me when I start to stray from the path. He has sent songs into my path…verses to my mind…all as a reminder that He is at work. He will receive the glory for the things that surround me right now. Feeble though my attempts seem, I am praising Him for this storm and the sorrow it has brought to me and those I love. I am thankful for the way it has drawn me to His side. I am thanking Him in advance for the growth it will bring in my heart and walk. It's been eight months now, and weariness has set in where thankfulness once ruled. More conviction.

April 26 - He is doing a work. It's a work I cannot see right now, but it's a work I trust. And I rejoice in the hope He has placed in my heart. I rejoice in the work He is doing. I felt flutter of excitement in my heart today...because I know He's up to something good. And I can't wait for Him to unveil it. I still await the unveiling. I pray every day that He'll bring it.

April 27 - Tonight there's been some wrestling in this house. It began the moment I walked in the door and has continued through the evening. And as soon as I hit "post," it will continue. I am determined to hang on until the blessing comes. I'm determined to wrestle until God delivers and heals. I remember that night of wrestling...my spunk has been beaten down, but I still believe God will deliver and heal. I have to believe it.