Little Kaegan James 3/11/01-7/23/11

My sweet boy is gone.
I didn't put it in the weekly recap because it felt wrong to just throw that into the list of what happened last week.

He's been sick for about a month, and I knew last week especially that his days were numbered. Several asked me if I had taken him to the vet, and I didn't. Kaegan had to go to the vet often in his younger years and had some experiences there that traumatized him (NOT the vet's fault) to the point where the doctor said the mere act of bringing him in put him through so much stress that it wasn't good for him. When I realized he was sick this time, I knew taking him to the vet would only put him through the same type of trauma again - and I didn't want that for him. I'm sure some are judging me for that decision, but I stand by it. I knew him better than anyone and I know it was the right thing.

He didn't seem to be in pain...he never cried or flinched when I touched him, but he just got progressively thinner and weaker.

Last Thursday night, I sat beside him on the floor, just petting him and talking to him. I told him how much I loved him and that I hoped I'd been a good mom to him. Sometimes I worried I wasn't. He had such a quirky personality. He didn't like to be held....he only liked to be touched on his own terms...and he wasn't social at all. A good day in his mind was hiding in the closet...or behind the bathroom door...or under the fat chair...only coming out for food and bathroom breaks. I respected his loner personality but sometimes wondered if he felt neglected. Probably not. He was, after all, a boy.

I found him Saturday when I came home from the dress fitting. I knew even as I drove home, that when I got here, he would be gone. Seeing him...and knowing...was so hard. I called my Dad, and he and Mom came over right away. Dad wrapped him up in one of my well-loved hair dye towels and put him in a box I was supposed to use for packing up the house...and took him to their house to bury him. I told Dad he could pick the place.

So now I'm here...with Braeya sitting beside me. I'm not sure she gets it yet. She's not acting any different. They weren't terribly good friends, which used to bug me, but now I'm kind of glad. Maybe it will be easier for her this way.

Though so very anti social, Kaegan was my sensitive cat. He always knew when I had a bad day, and he'd nuzzle up next to me and purr while he rubbed my face with his nose.

Sure could use one of those right now.

Goodbye, my sweet boy. I will miss you terribly. Love you.