Evil Swimsuit Shopping

Dear guys who read my blog: Sorry about today's topic. Probably an eye-roller for you.

I had to go swimsuit shopping this summer. I say I "had to" because here's how it went down. I sent some pictures from my last lake visit to my family so they could see the fun (read: be jealous). Got a response from my sister that said, "You need a new swimsuit."

What!?!?!? That one is only 2 years old. In Bekah years I've barely owned it five minutes! So I asked her why, and she said I was in a very bad place when I bought that suit...and it was several pounds ago, as well. (True and true. But don't tell her I said that.) I argued that she was WITH me when I got it, so if it was bad...why not say something then? She said she didn't dislike the suit but I needed something more festive.

And apparently, something that fit. (However, I say to you - does spandex really "fit" 95% of the population? NO!)

So I went swimsuit shopping and I made the following observations, which I would like to share with you at this time.

Ahem.

1. Swimsuits are WAY too expensive. I have purchased BEDSPREADS that cost less than swimsuits, and they have 2398472389047294723098% more material in them.

2. The day of the one piece suit (for me) is over. Sure they hide a lot (well. Sometimes. More on that in a later point) but I shoot them down with one scenario: bathroom break. Have you ever tried to reinstall a wet swimsuit peeled off for the ever so brief potty break? Kind of makes you wish you didn't believe the rumor that pool water changes color if you pee.... (Do NOT tell my mother I said that in print.)

3. Purchasing a two piece suit (that matches in any fashion) is nearly impossible once sale season hits. Have you ever noticed there are twice as many tops for sale as bottoms? Kind of makes you wonder what kind of beaches the people shopping in your store frequent, doesn't it?

4. Purchasing suits prior to the ill-matched sale season is just dumb. See point #1.

5. Back to the one piece suit...whatever that style is called where basically the entire mid-section of the one piece is contoured out, leaving it to basically be a bikini with a big knot connecting it in the front and back...is not flattering on most women. And those who choose to wear it are...most women. I saw one at the beach the other day that made me shiver in fright. Did she not SEE a mirror before she left home? Shoot, she didn't even need a mirror. JUST LOOK DOWN!!! IT'S NOT THE SUIT FOR YOU!!!!

6. Solid color suits are so unforgiving. Designs hide a multitude of dimples and rolls.

7. It is actually true that dimples and rolls are ONLY cute on babies and toddlers. It is also actually true that having given BIRTH to babies does not mean you are still one. See #6.

8. Shopping on a fat day is....unwise.

8. Checking out in the maternity section makes you feel much better about the entire experience.

Despite these things...I did find a suit. It is teal with a coral flower, which hopefully redeems me in my sister's eyes from the "dark" suit I was wearing before. I found a top and bottom that seemed to at least coordinate. It was on sale, which means I did not have to take out a second mortgage to afford it.

I'll shop again circa 2018.