Just Thankful

Two years ago on this day, I stood in my kitchen, dragging myself through the steps of cooking dressing for the family meal. With my heart still raw from wounds of the Isaac relationship, I grabbed my phone and texted him to tell him I knew he didn't feel the same way but that year, the only thing I could be thankful for was him.

I had no idea he was already in another relationship. I stood in a kitchen, clinging to the hope he'd want me again and he was already in love. With someone else.

Last year it was just too hard. Too hard to be here with all the memories. So I hopped a plane and flew to Kansas for a wonderful weekend with my sister, brother-in-law and niece. It was so healing. And yet in the wee hours of each morning, I snuggled into my bed and texted friends...the pang of being alone so strong. So strong.

My friend Joey texted me this week and said "I was just thinking about this time last year...you at your sister's for the holiday and so unsure about yourself. But you remained faithful and look at you now!"

My heart overflowed as I saw those words on my phone. He was right. There were days I didn't have the most faithful, grateful attitude, but praise the Lord...HE is always faithful, no matter what. And I'm so so grateful for His faithfulness.

I'm so grateful this man saw something in me and took the risk to ask me on a date.

I'm thankful for the hours of planning he puts into making life special for me - from the very first date. And I'm thankful when things don't go as planned, he's able to make plan B every bit as wonderful as the original.

I'm thankful he walks hand in hand with me through any...and every...day.

I'm thankful he loves coffee and we can enjoy coffee dates all the time.

I'm thankful he asked me to be his girlfriend - a memory I will always, always cherish.

I'm thankful he's the one I'm with when life gets inconvenient...and that we can make even those things fun!

I'm thankful he loves to go to the lake. I'm thankful he gets how I love water. And based on this picture, I'm thankful he loves me without makeup. :)

I'm thankful he embraces my job and enjoys attending events with me.

I'm thankful he encourages me to run - and that he runs with me, even though I'm an exercise liability.

I'm thankful not only THAT he proposed, but that he made it such an amazing day for me. What a gift!!! The words he spoke over me that day were beyond healing and saturated with comfort.

I'm thankful for someone to gallop in the rain with...even if it means he laughs at me. Grateful he loves me when I look like a drowned rat.

Thankful God gave me someone who pushes me beyond my limits and comforts me when I'm afraid.

So excited to have someone to celebrate - and someone who enjoys things like quiet nights at home with a good hot dog roast in a fire pit!

I'm thankful he lets me into his world and includes me (ALWAYS) in the things that are important to him - regardless of how ignorant about those things I might be.

I'm thankful to have a wonderful fiance to dance with. I've always wanted someone to dance with.

I'm thankful he's so tender and loving. Always.

Ryan Shaffer, I love you with all my heart. You are my biggest surprise and biggest blessing this year. I'm so thankful God thought to weave our life stories together. Thank you for taking a risk on an OCD, sometimes-too-dramatic girl. Thank you for calling me beautiful. Thank you for choosing me out of all the girls on the planet you could have picked. Thank you for encouraging me, caring for me, serving me, loving me, and allowing me to do all those things right back. You are my best friend, the love of my life, and  I cannot WAIT to marry you. I'm. So. Grateful. For. You.

~ Love, A.S. ~

The Six Month Prayer Project

The other day I received an email from a friend of mine asking me to pray with her for God to reveal to her something to pray about. Confused? Let me explain.

In her Sunday School class, they were challenged to focus on praying for one thing for six months and at the end of that six month span, to see how God had worked/moved/answered prayer. She wanted to make sure she prayed for something that was God-ordained and she wanted me to pray with her for wisdom in choosing her six month prayer. I promised to do so, and I went on my merry way.

Monday of this week, on Mid-Morning, Chuck Lynch was our guest. This guy is INCREDIBLE when it comes to family dynamics. He has been our guest before, and he talks about parents relating to adult children. His interviews are not just great for parents, but for people like me too – trying to figure out how to change the family dynamic now that I’m an adult and furthermore, an adult bringing a relationship into the picture.

Anyway. As he talked about the HUGE issue of guilt trips in families, he referenced these verses from Romans 12: Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will pay, says the Lord.” (vv. 17-19.)

And it was in that moment that my email conversation came back to me. Pray about something for six months and see what the Lord does.

Here’s the thing.

I have a relationship in my life that has gone…well…down the toilet. I have apparently offended the person and I have beat the daylights out of my brain trying to figure out what I possibly could have said or done to create such apparent hatred toward me – for YEARS now. She won’t speak to me, won’t even acknowledge my existence unless we’re in the same room together and then she’s syrupy sweet in a way that reminds me I’m detested but no one else is supposed to know. She’s quick to buddy up to our mutual friends, which makes her disdain toward me all the more apparent to me.

I won’t lie. It. Hurts.

I’ve tried to reach out. I’ve tried to be loving. And I’ve gone to the other extreme and tried to offer her a reprieve from me by purposely skipping out on events I know she’ll be at because I know she doesn’t want to see me. (And because I know I don’t want to end up sobbing the rest of the day. It’s not worth the heart-hurt to me.)

And Monday, as I sat at the engineering board, with my Bible open in my lap, staring at the verses from Romans 12, I knew what God was asking of me. She’s my six month prayer project. Every day until May 19^th…I commit to praying for her. About her. About us.

I won’t lie. I don’t want to do it.

In fact, that was the opening line in my prayer journal. “Okay. Okay God. I will pray. I don’t want to. I want to sit around and be mad and offended by her rude and unwarranted behavior. I don’t want to pray about it and even worse, I don’t want to pray FOR her. But I will. I do not have a clue what I have done to make her treat me with such disdain. I don’t know how I have offended her. I don’t know why she’s singled me out to treat me this way. But it has to be miserable to be caught up in so much bondage.”

I don’t know what God is going to do in these six months. Perhaps He’ll soften her heart toward me and cause these many years of anger or offense or grudge-holding or whatever it is to melt away. Perhaps He’ll soften my heart toward her so that I don’t develop a fresh ulcer at the mere mention of her name. Perhaps He’ll tear down the massive wall constructed between us and create a bond neither of us can imagine on this day. I don’t know. But I know I’m committing to pray.

And I say this today because maybe you’ll join me? I don’t mean in praying FOR me (though goodness knows I’m not going to turn it down. HELLO!) But maybe you need to do a six month prayer too. For a situation. For a person. For a heart-hurt. Maybe?

Think about it. And if He leads you to…join me.

Grace

I'm just learning about grace. It's not something I excel at...giving or receiving.

I keep an old email in my inbox...a conversation I had with a writing professor in 1999. (Yes. 1999.)

I missed class in the fall of my senior year, which marked the first time I'd ever missed class for any reason in four years of college. In a panic, I wrote to the professor: I want to apologize for missing class today. In four years of college, I have never missed any class for any reason. Today was a first for me. I did not intend to miss, but I had a kind of personal problem that I had to take care of at that time. I'm sorry for missing, and I wanted to explain that I wasn't just taking a nap or something. I talked to Deanna, and I'll get the handout from her. If there's anything else I need to do to make up my absence, I'll be happy to do it. I promise this won't happen again.

The professor had a pretty strict attendance policy, so I waited somewhat uncomfortably for her response. It came a short time later:  You're entitled. Don't think anything about it. We missed you.

What is this?

It's grace.

That was 1999. It is now 2012 and I still struggle to get the grace thing. I get rules. I don't get grace.

This past Saturday, Ryan and I planned to work around my house, getting the yard whipped into shape (his project) and the house whipped into shape (my project) so we won't come back to a big mess after our honeymoon. And we had a service guy coming to the house for an installation.

He was scheduled to come between 8-12 and showed up a little more between 1 and 2. Right when Ryan and I had settled in to eat lunch. I continued scarfing chicken and veggies while Ryan went outside to meet him and give him the unofficial tour. Of course there were a few things he didn't know, so now and then I dashed outside in my socks and hobbled over rocks to deliver information, all the while inwardly grumbling that my house "nesting" project was interrupted.

As I eagerly dove into cabinet reorganization, Ryan popped in the back door, gave me one of those gorgeous smiles and said, "Hey I have to go under the house. The guy can't fit under there. I'll be back."

I snatched wrapping from around the gifts I was unpacking while not-so-silently grumbling that the man should be able to do his job by himself, not with the help of the homeowner.

As I happily stacked my newly stocked containers in the cabinet, I heard the two of them laughing and exchanging conversation in the backyard. I glanced out the window to see Ryan leaning on the rake talking with the guy who was standing in the middle of the leaf disaster.

The Martha in me overtook the Mary and I grumbled about waning daylight hours and how much work Ryan planned to get done and how it would bother him if it didn't get done...

I looked up from my organizing on the kitchen floor to see Ryan's face peeking in the back door again. "Hey do we have any coffee? He could use some. It's a little cold out here." I rolled my eyes in the direction of the coffee pot. There was about a cup left.

I tried to have a good attitude about it as I made a fresh pot and went back to my organizing. At last, Ryan came in and I thought everything was about done...but apparently not. Apparently they'd moved to the indoor portion of the festivities. I looked at the leaf-covered backyard, with the rake abandoned and became (in my opinion) righteously indignant. I pushed the last of my nesting aside and rather noisily donned my hoodie. Trying to even my tone, I said, "Honey were were planning to mulch or bag the leaves?" He said, "Oh we can bag them later."

Probably in not nearly as nice a tone as I intended, I pointed at the imaginary watch on my left wrist and said, "Well we don't have a lot of daylight left. I'll go rake."

And y'all, I punished the HOOEY out of that yard, angrily raking leaves into enormous piles and shoving them deep into leaf bags. All the while, hot tears rolled down my face and I caught short, sharp breaths between my silent sobs. This was not fair. I was not supposed to be out here doing yard work by myself while Ryan helped the service guy do his own job.

Oh Bekah.

Grace. Grace.

After he left (which probably wisely took place after I departed to shop for more leaf bags), I handed Ryan a Coke and a Reese peanut butter tree (my meager attempt at a peace offering) and dissolved into tears in his arms. And that wonderful man, without one single ounce of condemnation in his eyes or voice, gently wiped away my tears and explained that the man had a very long day, and had another job yet to go to after leaving us. That crawling under the house had been Ryan's offering. That the coffee was just a nice gesture he was happy to give.

Grace.

I need to learn it. And I'm so glad to walk through life with a man who gets it.

Work Shower

Can you handle ONE more shower recap? Last one, I promise! The ladies at my work threw the most lovely shower at a little tea room in Fort Wayne. It was so darling!! They worked so hard on all the little decorations...which were just lovely!

 I received lots of beautiful gifts...and here's a sampling. Jeri made us a collage of our engagement photos. Sigh of happiness. :)

 A classic Bekah face. :) This is a lighted table runner. I'd never seen such a thing before and CLEARLY mask surprise so well.

 Just in case you've not seen one either....

 Ryan and I are both a bit...ahem...OCD...so we were elated to receive TWO sets of these pantry organization sets. (Now if I only had a pantry!!)

 These ladies made it IMpossible to get into the gifts. IMpossible.

 His and Hers coffee mugs. Ahhhh how cute we'll be at church. :)

 Lynne prayed for me. :)

 And because we'd not gotten pictures like this at my other showers - a picture with the mama.

Had such a fun night - so appreciated all the hard work that went into the showers!! Thanks, WBCL!!!

It's the Weekly Recap!

* Last Sunday, Ryan and I spent the entire day (after church of course) at my house working on wedding stuff. We were so busy! We had to sort and put away the shower gifts, write thank you notes, finish the wedding program, and much more. We didn't get as much done as we wanted, but I think we stayed plenty busy, and it was just so nice to have an entire day together!! And here is a picture of our hard-won burger that evening. We decided after trying two separate locations to get it, it was photo worthy!

* Monday evening was a chore palooza...cleaning up gifts, writing more thank you notes, working on wedding stuff...you name it. I hated not seeing Ryan. That's never a good night. But it was a productive night. AND...got my new Bible...for the marriage season. I love new Bibles for a new season. And in true Bekah fashion...the bigger the Bible, the closer to God. (Not true, but I say it anyway.)

* Tuesday we had the chance to celebrate at work, because my good friend Sheryl had a birthday!! She brought in quite a spread of food and we had little treats all day!

That evening I went over to my friend Marie's house for wedding makeup coaching. If I were getting married here, Marie would be doing my makeup on my wedding day. But since I"m flying the coop, she taught me to do it myself. Think I can remember it for the next two weeks?

* Wednesday night, Ryan and I graduated from premarital counseling. And our pastor said he envisioned a very happy marriage for us. SWEET! That's what we like to hear! It was so great to be able to spend the evening with Ryan. We didn't get to see much of each other this week (we HATE that) and we really treasured that time.

* Thursday evening was my work bridal shower. Can't wait to show you the full realm of pictures from that one. It was a household shower and we got some REALLY cute stuff. SO excited. I'm overwhelmed by how generous my friends are and how many new, beautiful things Ryan and I get to begin our married life with!!

* Friday morning I was late to work because of this little interstate mess:

ICK!! But in a year and a half or commuting, that is the first time I've gotten stuck in traffic on the way TO work. Not a bad deal!!! Friday evening I FINALLY got to see Ryan and we even went out for a blizzard! (Shared.) (And I ate less than half.) (Sigh. Must fit into a dress.)

* Yesterday my attitude was putrid. PUTRID. I think I had, in the words of my former secretary, reached my saturation point. For the record, this had nothing to do with Ryan. He was actually quite wonderful about the whole thing. I appreciated that. But anyway, I got so annoyed I actually voluntarily went into the yard and raked leaves (a chore I swore about 3 years ago I'd never do again in my natural life) and bagged them. Oh how I will regret that later. But on the flip side, I did some serious pre-marital nesting, including filling these FABULOUS new organizers I got at my most recent shower:

Pinterest Inspiration: I am sorry to report I was unable to fit in a Pinterest Project this week. But I assure you I was not absent FROM Pinterest.

Bachelorette Party, Part B!

And now...the conclusion of the matter. After we finished dinner, sparkling grape juice toasts and presents at the Dash In, we moved on to our next adventure! We planned to visit DeBrand Chocolate for dessert. They happen to have 3 locations in Fort Wayne, and as we were en route, we discovered that some cars were going one place and some were going another. WOOPSIE!! So we did some fast thinking and tried to route everyone to the same place.

In case you're not familiar with DeBrand....

Oh be still, my beating heart. Lovely, lovely chocolates. Many lovely chocolates. I ended up buying a little smattering of truffles to share with Ryan. (Oh my goodness. How in love am I? I'm sharing CHOCOLATE!!!!)

As we waited for everyone to gather in one location, we did a little photo shoot outside. :)

The location we ended up at was too small for all of us to fit in there and eat dessert, so we had to find a plan B. There HAPPENED to be a Coldstone Creamery there and it HAPPENED to be open late...so....

There's Faith with her cup-o-goodness!! (And a banner growing out of her head!)

They only have little round tables, so everyone sat in little groups around the store, which was really busy since it's next to a theater and apparently a movie had just let out. :)

Finally we were all just pooped (it had been a very long and full day for this bride-to-be!) so we headed out. On the way out, we borrowed someone outside the theater for the official full group picture:

Thanks, ladies, for making it such a fun evening for this girl!!!

(And by the end of the night, my feet hurt SO badly that I really couldn't even feel them anymore. Lara snapped this picture of me limping back to the car, along with Sara, who walked with me - either because she felt sorry for me or because she hurt just as much!)

Bachelorette Party, Baby!!

One of the reasons my best friend came home for the weekend was because we were going to have a bachelorette party! She planned it from a great many miles away and did a FANTASTIC job. Want to peek into the evening? (Warning: some gift pictures may be left out because...well...you know.)

I spy a gift table!! :) My friends are so generous...really appreciated their many gifts that night. Not only these in the bags, but also their gifts of time spent with me...words of encouragement...and just all they've invested in me over the span of time I've known them!

We started out at The Dash In - a little quaint cafe/coffee shop in downtown Fort Wayne. They have a back room where we gathered for the party. It wasn't a private room, so toward the end, there were other customers in there. I'm sure they appreciated our hoopla. :)

Anyway, here are my girls!

And here is the bachelorette!

We ate dinner first (I did the old soup and salad trick so I could enjoy dessert later!) and then they toasted me with sparkling grape juice, which is one of my most favorite things in life! And I wore the tiara and sash the whole night. Was I embarrassed? No way. Loved it. The girl behind me in the picture cracked me up. If you look at all my pictures really fast, you can nearly see her entire conversation in hand motions. I seriously don't think she knew we were there - the entire time.

Perhaps an odd picture to post but this one is safe! :) One of my gifts was this big 31 bag, which was filled with things for our honeymoon...for on and off the beach. GREAT idea! And the bag has our names on it, which I also loved!

Here's another gift I can show you - and a great idea for a shower gift! It's one of those vinyl wall sayings. LOVE IT. Can't wait until we have our new house and can put it up! And as you can see, the girl in the back is still chatting it up.

Getting married has allowed me to move from princess to queen...and now I have the chocolate to prove it!

Picture from Faith - of the two of us this past New Year's Eve, when we had our little Hawaiian luau for two! And in the back...mystery girl is now a maestro.

SUPER cute picture frame filled with a beach scene that includes our names and wedding date inside some hearts drawn in the sand. SO cute. Perfect!!!

And there were many, MANY more well-loved gifts that I just can't show you!!!

New.

Before I tell you about the bachelorette party...thought I'd share this from my heart.


I had scarcely made sense of the alarm and the snooze button when I heard Him.

Abba's Voice...the one that had seemed so silent for so long. Certainly more for my lack of listening than His lack of speaking.

His predawn words to me were so simple. But so needed. So craved. He whispered to my soul the words of Philippians 4:13: I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

I snuggled deeply into the bed that will be our bed, but that morning I lay alone in the middle, pulling the covers tightly around me, and I whispered, Can I? Can I really do this? This wife thing? This meshing of lives and supporting of dreams - can I do it? Not for a lack of desire to do it, because I ache to be his wife. But do I have what it takes?

His gentle Voice spoke again. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

And I know. I can. I can love Ryan as he needs to be loved. I can run beside him in pursuit of his dreams. I can honor him. I can serve him. I can humble myself before him. I can laugh and cry and create memories and everything - anything - else God pushes into my path because He strengthens me.

After more whispered words and several more bouts of the snooze button, I got out of bed. And after a full day, I crawled back in and stared at this:

The new Bible.

I like a new Bible for a new journey. And I would say marriage qualifies for a new journey. It rested on the edge of my bed, pages still crisp, cover unmarred, and filled with words I know by heart, yet they await, fresh and unread from that page.

I opened the front cover and saw this:

I saw a blank for a name. My name. My name that in 2 weeks will be brand new. Brand new because I claim the name of my love.

The pages after...for marriages and births and deaths...also blank. I wonder whose names will fill those blanks in this journey? No way to know. No way to know anything that lies ahead, but it's enough to know that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

The Bible is new. The name is new. The journey is new. Who knows what will transpire in the time I use this Bible? Who knows what promises I'll cling to and truths I learn as I walk, hand in hand, with Ryan?

I don't know.

But I know this:

And Then There Were Presents

Now that game time is over...thought I'd show you some pictures of the shower gifts. Some will...ahem...not be on the blog because they were not as family friendly. But they were definitely loved! :)

Okay this first picture is blurry, but I have to share it anyway. Not sure if I've shared this on the blog before, but here's the story. My Mom has always said, anytime she sees someone wearing something a bit low cut... "That needs a dickie." Do you even know what a dickie is? It's like a mock collar you tuck in under your shirt.

When I tried on dresses, she kept saying "It needs a dickie." So one of the first gifts I opened - from Mom and Julie - was a dickie. I was SO cracked up by this thing!!!

Apparently I was still laughing from the dickie...for this one.

Cute little 31 bag (that I already have multiple plans for) and some REALLY cute slipper boots. That leads to another embarrassing story. Sunday night, Ryan and I were watching football and working on wedding stuff and we got the biggest craving for a burger. So we spontaneously went in search of a burger. The first place we tried had broken registers and couldn't sell food. The second place was right next to the Walgreens that had a picture order ready for us. And guess who (thinking she was only going to a drive thru) was out running around in polka dotted jammie pants and these boots? Oh yes. He found that MOST amusing.


LOTS of Victoria's Secret - and this is the one that is blog-friendly.

I was so excited about all the VS stuff. I've actually never owned lingerie from there and now feel that I have arrived. I love pretty stuff like this, so I'm really really excited to wear it!


Asking Mom if this one is modest enough...

This one was cute too! I did ask for some pretty lounge-wear for the house. Most of mine is leftover from the fat era and much of it has also been sweat on profusely in workouts of days gone by. Attractive for a new husband, no???

This one is also so appropriate, as Ryan is a morning person and I am not. Prayers appreciated.

Got lots of lotion and body spray - and I love that! The really fun stuff that I would be unlikely to spring for on my own because I'm too cheap!!

Also got LOTS of candles and I'm excited about those too. It's how I heat my house in the winter!!! :) Good thing Ryan and I have similar thoughts on a too-hot house.

Lingerie from the Emperor's New Clothing Line. Hee hee hee.

Really cute picture frame - it's a shadow box with shells in the front. Perfect for beach wedding pics, no?

This little pillow was from my sister and niece out in Kansas. It was probably the hit of the shower. The pillow says "When she opened her eyes, she awoke to her dreams." Melt.

At the end - a visitor!!!! I'd asked him to stop by after work so he could meet some of my friends. He looks so good!!!! Man, I'm so proud of him!!!

And this picture is just flat out awful of me, but I adore it of him. I love the way he looks at me. This is how he always looks at me. With such love. :) So thankful to be marrying him!!

Hope you enjoyed visiting the shower! Next up: the bachelorette party! :)

Wanna Play a Game?

Since you're attending my bridal shower by blog, I thought you might like to take the game offered. Answers are provided at the bottom - but DON'T YOU CHEAT!!!!!

HEY! I said stop it! NO CHEATING!! (Ryan - I'm especially interested to hear how you did on this quiz.)

Tell me how many you got right and you'll win an invisible prize. HA! :) And if you had any especially funny answers, tell me those too.

READY??

1. What is Bekah's given name?

2. What is her favorite color?

3. What is her favorite food?

4. What is the name of the book Bekah wrote. (STOP cheating!)

5. What is her least favorite household chore?

6. When is her birthday? (My mom got this one WRONG! Can you believe it?)

7. What is her favorite movie?

8. How tall is Bekah?

9. What is her shoe size?

10. How does she like her coffee?

11. Where does she like to get her coffee?

12. What does Bekah like to do in her spare time?

13. Where did they go on their first date?

14. How did Ryan and Bekah meet?

15. What would Bekah say is Ryan's best feature?

You thought I was going to put the answers RIGHT HERE after so you could cheat, didn't you?

People. Not my first blog post.

So while you ponder.....

Okay. Now for your answers:

1. Rebekah Joy Freelan. Always told Mom that Rebekah Cranky Freelan would have been a lot easier to live up to.

2. Purple. (Poor Ryan. He's so graciously moving into my purple palooza bedroom. And he hasn't complained.)

3. Pizza. I had several complaints that the answer wasn't chocolate. Chocolate is a great answer. But I was trying to think of the one food I could eat every day for every meal and never get tired of it - and that is pizza.

4. His Advent: Still His Greatest Gift

5. Dishes. I would rather throw them away and buy new ones than wash them. And I may or may not have done that once or twice in my lifetime. Don't judge me.

6. May 14th. Born on Mother's Day. Made her work on her own holiday.

7. Where the Heart Is. Has Natalie Portman in it. Movie about the Wal-Mart baby. Ironic that anything to do with Wal-Mart would land on my favorites list, isn't it? :)

8. 5'6"

9. Size 8. Or 8 1/2. Or 9. Depends on how the shoe is made.

10. With cream and sugar. Another great answer given at the shower was "all the time." LOL!!!

11. Starbucks - or really anyplace that sells it. Not a coffee snob.

12. Scrapbook. Or kiss Ryan. But my mom was at the shower, so I went with scrapbook.

13. It was an all day date, so acceptable answers included: White River State Park, the Canal, the zoo, and Red Robin.

14. Technically we went to school together throughout elementary and high school but we really didn't know each other until we met at church.

14. The real answer? Hiney. And let me tell you the expression on my mother's face when I announced THAT to everyone while standing in a church. (I'm SORRY! It's TRUE!!!!) So I quickly changed it to smile.

How did you do?? How many did you get right?