The God Moment

I love sharing my God-moments with you because I figure if He goes to the trouble to arrange them, I should at least give Him appropriate acknowledgement for it. But at the same time, some of those moments are incredibly personal...so it's all about finding that fine line between preserving what's personal and sharing what He's doing in my life!

My God-moment at the E-Women conference came right at the end of Lysa TerKeurst's talk. If you've never heard Lysa's story...she's now the head of Proverbs 31 Ministries, which is a huge women's ministry. But before she came to be in charge of that, she was a girl who came from a broken home, was rejected by her dad, abused by a family friend, got pregnant in college, and had an abortion. She talked about letting God take your mess and make it your message.

I knew going into this weekend, that at some point, God and I were going to have to do some business. I wasn't sure when...or exactly what...but I knew it was coming.

You've watched me struggle out loud on this blog to make sense of the brokenness of my last year. Honestly, one of the biggest unanswered questions I had when Isaac left was that God had been SO CLEAR to me that part of our role in each others' lives was redemption. The relationship I understood God meant for us to share was going to redeem a whole lot of brokenness and unfulfillment we had experienced prior to meeting each other. Perhaps Isaac has gone on to do just that in a new relationship, but I've been left to wonder how God would work that out in my life.

Who would fill that on-earth role for me? And how would I get to serve that purpose in someone else's life?

As Lysa talked about letting God turn our mess into our message, I literally saw my entire relationship with Isaac pass from start to finish in my mind. It was just like watching a highlight reel in my head. I actually had to sit down while others stood to pray, because I was so overwhelmed by the flood of memories. The more I remembered, the more I felt tears pressing my eyes. I fought them because, let's face it, this is ridiculous. He's been gone from my life for more than a year. Get OVER it, Bekah!

I could feel my back tensing and then I felt Marie's hand just rest on my back, and I knew she was praying for me, though she had no idea what was going on in my mind.

And as I reached the end of the mental reel, I saw myself collapsed on the cement floor of a shelter house, clad in an ill-fitting flowery Easter dress and pink flip flops, sobbing before the Lord so hard that tears wouldn't even come...literally wailing...asking Him to please tell me what He wanted from me.

He prompted me to remember the quote from Angie Smith's book, I Will Carry You: "continue to worship the Lord, keeping what He has given you until the moment you are called to give it away. And as the glass shatters all around you and you grow dizzy from the intoxicating smell of pure love, get as close to His feet as you can. And know this. It was always meant to fall from your hands. And He is glorified in the shattering."

I thought about that moment...saw myself in my own memory...and then right there in the Coliseum, I heard Him ask me to be willing to do it again. Not with Isaac. But to be willing to walk the same road of stepping WAY outside any preconceived plan for relationship that I'd ever had.

My heart nodded yes before my voice could follow suit, and I felt the tears escaping. I was leaning over in my seat, so the tears fell and ran down my arms, and I thought again of that quote, about God being glorified in the shattering.

That's what the shattering feels like. The moment when your heart says yes.

I felt my back relax under Marie's hand and prayers.

I said yes.

I have no idea what I've said yes TO. But I have great hope that He has a magnificent plan to redeem.