30 days of You and Me: Day Twenty-Eight

I've been looking forward to this post ever since I found the 30 day post idea...you know...a year ago.

Advice for my 15 year old self.

Do you remember 15? Sometimes I wish I didn't, but it's burned in my memory. And by burned, I mean 3rd degree burn. I remember that girl...that in so many ways I don't even know anymore, but I remember she felt hopeless (not in a life-ending sort of way...just in a dejected sort of way) and very alone. If I could talk to that girl, I would say...

Hey Bek. Yes. Bek. You know how you're not allowed to have a nickname right now and for some reason it's the one thing you want more than anything? (Well, almost anything.) One day you'll get to go by Bek. And you'll remember that you always wanted a nickname...and you'll be duly grateful.

I'm you, in 18 years. And you just need to know, it's going to be okay.

You're going to learn to drive. And truthfully - you're going to hate it and be completely crippling-scared of it for several years. But one day you're going to fall in love with a guy who lives four hours away from you and sheer love is going to override fear of the open road, and you'll wonder why it ever bothered you. And though he won't choose you in the end, you'll get many good gifts out of that relationship...driving being one of them.

You're going to be single for what seems like forever. (And you know - it may BE forever. Because in 18 years the jury's still going to be out on that situation.) Sometimes it may feel like that lack of love is going to kill you. But I can promise that at least for the next 18 years, it won't. It'll come close once or twice, but it won't kill you. And that whole line about what doesn't kill you will make you stronger...is actually true.

In more positive news, you will have a magnificent story for your first kiss. You're going to love it. Every first kiss should have a good story. You're going to have an equally amazing story for your first "I love you." (Same guy.) You ALSO are going to get the surprise of your life when someone you love nearly more than life itself turns out to like you back. I'm not going to tell you who, because that'll kill some of the joy of that day when it comes. But let me just tell you, it's going to heal a whole lot of that loser feeling in your heart when HE kisses you. Oh yes. He's going to kiss you.

You're going to graduate from high school (and you won't fall when you walk across the stage), and you'll go to IWU just like you think you will. You'll get a degree in writing and end up with an office job, just like you think you want. It's not going to be your favorite thing and you'll cry a lot of tears over that job. You'll find out the hard way that people who serve the Lord aren't always nice, but you'll grow up so much and you'll need every lesson you learn in the walls of that office to move on to the next adventure. And you'll have enough money from that job to buy a house. THAT is going to scare you to death because home ownership really is as huge as it sounds. But you're going to love that house (and the story of how it came to be yours) and every day, you'll think how amazing it is that you're on your own...and how great it is to NOT have homework.

You're going to make amazing friends in college - that really do stay with you after you graduate. They'll invite you to be in their weddings...to go on vacation with them...to attend their childbirths...to be an honorary aunt to their kids...and every day, you'll remember right now when you wonder if you'll ever have more than 5 friends, and you won't take them for granted.

You're going to mess up in ways you swore you never would. You're going to hate yourself for it and learn, in the end, that's how God shows up in mercy. You're going to be devastated by people you trusted. You're going to end up in counseling and find it to be the best thing you ever did. You're going to be the victim of other people's behavior and wonder if you'll ever heal. It'll take way more time than you wish, but you will. You'll also be the victim of your own behavior and wonder if you'll ever heal from that. And again...it will take time, but you will.

You'll be the science project of your college roommates and find out you can be YOU in a pair of jeans, short hair, and purple nail polish. You'll discover the miracle of a flat iron, grasp the art of makeup, finally stop playing connect the dots with your face, lose some weight, and learn that you have an affinity for chunky jewelry and weird nail polish colors. You'll accidentally dye your hair orange, you'll go gray way too early, and you'll spend the rest of your life being chemically dependent on hair color. In short, one day you'll look in the mirror and actually NOT hate what you see. It'll take you a long time to love what you see, but start with not hating.

You'll write a book, get addicted to blogging (which is a term you have never even heard at this age - but it's good) and in 18 years....you're going to get a job in radio. Yes, you. You who won't even make eye contact with anyone. You're going to actually think of meaningful things to say. You'll think of funny things to say. And you're going to shake your head in marvelous disbelief every day.

You think you love Jesus now...and you do, in the best way you know how, but it gets SO much better. The kind of love you'll have with Him in 18 years is a whole lot more about relationship and a whole lot less about rules. You'll stop timing your devotions and learn to just talk to Him all the time. It'll take devastation to get you to the level of intimacy you'll have, but then again, you're the one who sang the song "Whatever it takes to be more like You...that's what I'll be willing to do."

So you hang in there, Rebekah-soon-to-be-plain-Bekah. You curl those poofy bangs and slap some concealer on that face. Go to school and hang onto that faithful set of friends (because every single one of them will still be dear to you in 18 years too) - and do your best to enjoy the ride. (Partly because it deserves to be enjoyed and partly because you'll need it for writing fodder.)

It gets better. I promise.