Discipline

It seems that since I've started the SSMT journey, I only write about verses on those days. Today is not such a day. Today I just want to share with you the details of the lesson God taught me a few days ago; the lesson that was my favorite moment with Him that week.

Here is the verse that sprang to mind as I was living that moment:

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.

Later on, however, it produces a harvest

of righteousness and peace

for those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:11

As you know from the last couple days of reading, last year was particularly painful for me as I went through the whirlwind journey of falling in love and then watching as Isaac walked away from me, leaving me to wonder what God possibly had for my future and if I could ever trust again. (And I'm not just talking love. I'm talking any sort of relationship...friendships, coworkers...even family.)

This year has been a beautiful season of re-entering life. My appetite has returned, I can sleep again, and I have thoroughly enjoyed the beauty that has been this year. (Minus that one stupid ice episode in February.)

And in the middle of all this re-entry to life and such, I've settled back into routines that have teetered on trying to control my own life. Again. God gently reminded me of the dangers of that when He introduced the come undone theme to me during Lent. And it's just gone in a million directions since then.

One of the beautifully scary things that has happened to me this year has been the introduction of new friends to my life. They've wandered my direction in a variety of ways. Some were planted there...some were accidental encounters...some were discovered as paths merged. And I've cautiously reached out, deeply desiring new friendships to enrich my life but so afraid that each one will end up hurting me in some way, or worse...leaving.

One eveing, I went out to walk and while circling laps, I had a chat with God about this dilemma of my life. Because I become too bold for my own britches, I informed Him that I was not interested in trusting if trust was about to lead to hurt.

He responded with This is where I need you right now. This is a purposefully ordained friendship. You two need each other right now. This is your assignment from me.

In sheer panic, I shot back, I don't like those words right now. I've been hurt too much. If my friends are not planning to stay forever, I can't do it. Please don't make me.

And He said, sternly but with that gentle Abba love, How arrogant of you to say You don't want an assignment I have for you. How arrogant to think I can't sustain you in ways you can't fathom, if your friends move or choose to leave.

Ouch.

I confessed my wrong attitude right there in the middle of my workout.

Okay, Jesus. You made this heart of mine. You know how it wants to hang onto every friend its ever made and love everyone who comes near. But if You see fit to move friends in and out, I trust You. I trust You to bring comfort when I ache. And for now I commit to being the very best friend I can be. Even if it's just for right now.