SSMT: Verse 10

Yesterday was a new SSMT verse day again. Seriously. Where did the first half of May GO!?!?!!? I am late in posting this here because, of course, yesterday was weekly recap day.

My life, right now, is in what I like to call pleasant upheaval. Nothing bad is happening. I'm fine. (Please do not call my parents to see if I'm okay. I really am.) But so much is happening and I can barely make sense of most of it. I've long given up trying to figure out what God is doing as He moves. So right now, my MO is to hang on for dear life and fly through each day.

This verse came to me this week as I was actually studying another verse around it. But when I prayed for a new verse to focus on right now, God drew me to this:

Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed,

you would see the glory of God?"

John 11:40

I have to tell you why this verse means so much to me right now.

Last summer, I read Angie Smith's book, I Will Carry You. God ordained it that I would read that book right around the time my relationship with Isaac crashed for the final time. And to be honest, there were a lot of things about that ordained time that I still don't understand. But I learned to trust that in HIS time, He'd reveal the answers.

This week I encountered a devo that brought me back to the account of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, which is the section of Scripture Angie's book also follows - as she tells her own story of grief. She talked about this particular verse, and God urged me to believe Him for the healing and restoration of my relationship - which I did.

With everything in me.

Even when I stood alone.

Obviously, you know Isaac chose to walk away, and I was left - have been left, all these months later - to wonder what God meant for me when He urged me through the words of Angie's book - to believe that His glory would be shown.

I think He's beginning to show me.

Jesus said right away Did I not tell you?

Um....Jesus said that to me this week. I have to say, it's not particularly a phrase I like, because I know it's offered as a gentle (yet loving) rebuke. And yet better to be rebuked by the Creator than not have a relationship with Him at all.

A week ago today, as I drove home from my outing with Kristin, I was pouring my soul before the Lord, and He said this to me. (This is my first act of bravery to write this, as I have no idea if Isaac still reads my blog and this is one of those things that makes me nervous for him to see if he does. But I can't change that it was impressed upon my heart this way, so I can't withhold it out of nervousness. Here goes.) Stop saying "When I lost Isaac." You didn't lose Isaac. Isaac lost you. And you need to start looking at it that way. And furthermore, you need to take care that your own actions don't cost you a similar loss in your future.

Gulp.

And as would be the case in the land of Bekah-can't-possibly-learn-the-easy-way, by Friday night, I was sprawled out on the bed before the Lord, confessing that my own Bekah-ness...my own actions...my own decision to succumb to paralyzing fear and Satan's schemes...had very possibly cost me a good friend. One thing I've learned from my mentor, Lara, is that you have to learn to own what you do. Don't blame it. Own it. So I pulled out the journal, and with tears on my cheeks, I wrote, "I hurt over the apparent loss of a good friend. I'm sorry, Father."

And I heard, Did I not tell you? Yes. Yes You did and You were right.

He did tell me, but He was also merciful to me, and a short time later, I was able to have a conversation with that friend and find out that I hadn't ruined everything. Don't think that I take the second chance lightly.

So I know the did I not tell you is reliable. And because of that, I have to believe the rest as well. If I continue to believe Him, I'll see His glory. I have much that I need to believe Him about right now. Many questions. Much uncertainty. He's not asking me to figure it out. He's not asking me for a spreadsheet with solutions and timelines. He's asking me to simply believe. And in return, He promises I'll see His glory. Maybe not in the way I thought I would. But I'll see it. And I need to know that.