The Staff

The interview with Angie Smith may be over...but God is not done using her book to teach this girl some lessons.

When I walked the desert road, I found the two places (at home) where I heard God best were the rug at the end of my bed and my fat chair. Those were the two places I'd fall in the fetal position to strain to hear His whisper. Today the two places I hear Him best are the shower and in front of the fireplace. Some days I alternate between the two for hours. Shower until the hot water runs out...then to the fireplace to take away the chill...then back to the shower...back to the fireplace.

And so it was that yesterday, as I pressed in to the heat of the fireplace, He brought back something I'd read in the book. A powerful picture.

Angie wrote about Moses, who had a very real fear of public speaking, which just so happened to be the very thing God asked him to do. She talks about the staff God gave to Moses - to represent the power of the Lord he carried with him - to give him the strength to do some pretty difficult tasks.

Angie said "As I consider what God is calling me to do, despite my own misgivings, I need to remember the staff given to me. In the midst of my fear, He hands it to me as a reminder of His great power. I am blessed in using it in exactly the way He instructs, and held accountable for the times I try to claim it as my own. I did not create the staff, nor give it any power. I merely hold it, waiting for further instruction." (p. 74 - "What Women Fear)

If my yard weren't blanketed in snow right now, I would have pulled myself up off that living room floor and marched straight into the backyard to grab the biggest stick I could find and bring it into the house as an out-loud reminder of what is happening in my heart right now.

I know what He's asking. And much like Moses, I desperately want to argue. But He reminded me that what I hold is the staff of His strength. I not only can do this, but I must do this.

In church yesterday, my pastor asked us if we knew what step God was asking us to take next. I kind of wanted to see if he could ask another question instead...one more comfortable. But I do know. I know what He wants of me. And apparently...I do have the strength.

So...as was my daily, sometimes minute-ly prayer in the desert...find me faithful.

It's the Weekly Recap!

*Last Sunday I made a last-minute decision to head north to the church I'd visited a couple of weeks ago, and I enjoyed worshipping with them and spending more time with my new friends. They are sweet and welcoming! When I came home that evening, I made my first ever red velvet cake for Ross at work. (Any cake is possible with the assistance of the talented Duncan Hines. But let the record show the frosting was from scratchety scratch scratch.)
* Monday...well...what can you say? Stressed?

Okay I'm KIDDING! That's just me posing with all of Ross's birthday treats. I was so glad he had a birthday. :) My treat Monday evening was a haircut and color. Only about 6 weeks overdue. Goodness gracious. I'm lucky one of those have-pity-on-her makeover shows didn't pick me up! (And a side note...Monday was when I posted about sending cards, and guess what? I got one in the mail that day! Loved that timing!)

* Tuesday we had spring, fall, and winter weather all in one day! Good grief, Indiana! When I left for work, it was 53 degrees, and I came home in snow. And we had a thunderstorm! It really is true in this state...if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and it will change. Oh - and look who took on the role of Dryer Inspector #1 during laundry that night?

* Wednesday I had another work related pinch me...is this really my life? moment when Lynne and I interviewed Angie Smith for an hour. I was crazy nervous but she was so much fun to talk to. My favorite part was when all three of us were giggling like third graders about life a-la-Anne-of-Green-Gables. We talked to her about her book What Women Fear, and it was powerful for me (chronic scaredy cat). Wednesday evening...I finally put all this away:
* Thursday I had the nicest little commute to work and literally the minute I got there, black ice hit and there were slide-offs all over the road I'd just been on. Because I'd not anticipated this...I did not have a suitcase packed in the car, so I had no choice but to drive home in it. It took me an hour and a half and one stretch of ten or so miles was solid ice, but I made it!


* Friday afternoon we had some visitors at the station! My friend Ben and his parents came by to re-meet Miss Lynne many years after meeting her for the first time. There's a very fascinating story behind this entire thing but I didn't ask if it was okay to post it, so I won't. But here's the official photo: And after that, we all hung out for dinner and a movie...fun evening! (And then I ended up in a hotel AGAIN because of weather!)

* Saturday was supposed to be a very productive day but once I made it home, I mostly laid on the floor in front of the fireplace exercising that whole "pray without ceasing" thing. I was very grateful that God prompted some good friends to call and pray with me. A sweet day, even if it wasn't what I planned.

One Thousand Gifts: I think my favorite gift this week was the night I drove home from work and God urged me to turn off my David Phelps duet and pray...specifically to praise Him. I was not feeling particularly thankful but I tried and before long I found myself in a sincere attitude of praise...a gift!


Organization Confessions: I caught up from the days I missed last week, but I got behind on this week's organizing. I will say, though, that when I put away all the Christmas things,I got rid of quite a few things I've not used. That's good!


Pinterest Inspiration: This week's Pinterest Inspiration came from this pin - a new way to tie a scarf. I tied as instructed, though you can't really tell in my picture, because my scarf has kind of a "busy" pattern to it. I did, though, add the clip and loved the way it dressed it up!

Caramel Surprise Brownies

When I was a litle girl, there were three things my Aunt B made that I could not possibly love more. Lasagna, cream puffs, and caramel surprise brownies. When the rest of the family asked for birthday lists every year, the only thing I wanted from her was one (or three) of those things. YUM.

I've never asked her for any of the recipes because I wasn't sure she shared them (signature pieces, you know), so alllllll these many years later, I've just savored any morsel of them she offered. Come to find out...the caramel surprise brownie recipe was in the church cookbook the whole time! Good grief.

Earlier last year I made a "almost" version of these brownies and it's good...but this real version is SO worth the effort. You will not be sorry.




The Recipe
1 German Chocolate Cake Mix


1 package of caramels UNWRAPPED (Important)
2/3 cups evaporated milk
1 cup chocolate chips
3/4 cups melted butter

Preheat oven to 350. Add 1/3 cup evaporated milk and melted butter to cake mix. Spread 1/2 of the batter in a greased 9x13 pan. Bake for 10 minutes at 350. Melt caramels with remaining 1/3 cup of evaporated milk. Pour on top of cake and sprinkle on chocolate chips. Add remainder of cake batter and bake for another 15 minutes.


I used milk chocolate chips in this just because I wanted it to be richer. (As if it isn't by itself.)
Cut the butter into chunks and melt in the microwave.

In case you don't know what melted butter looks like. :)

Add the butter and the evaporated milk (half of it) to the dry cake mix.

The batter will be very thick.

Unwrap the caramels. A tedious but important step.

Put them in a saucepan along with the rest of the evaporated milk.

Pat the batter into the bottom of the pan (just half of it).

Keep an eye on the caramel so it doesn't burn.

The batter spreads out as it bakes, so don't worry if in the pre-bake look, there are some holes. They will fill in!

Pour the melted caramel mixture over the baked cake half.

Sprinkle on the chocolate chips.

This is the trickiest part. The batter is thick enough to handle (like soft play-doh) so I just pulled chunks of it out of the bowl and made little pats of it.

And then I piece them together on top of the baked mix.

Bake!!! And ENJOY!!

I'll warn you...it's super rich! So pace yourself! Best when consumed with milk or coffee. Or both.

Names and Such

My mother loves my name. (As well she should. She picked it out. Or had input on it anyway.) "Tall letter, short letter, tall letter, short letter, tall letter, short letter, tall letter" she always says.

Well it may be an OCD girl's aesthetic dream but it's a nightmare to explain. "Hi, I'm Rebekah." Oh...Rebecca? "No. Rebekah. R-e-b-e-k-a-h." Interesting!

Interesting until you try to buy something personalized. And then it's NOT going to happen. Pair Rebekah with a last name like Freelan, which is always changed to either Freeman or Freeland and it's just a tough life for a kindergartener (through senior in high school).

A few days ago, I was talking to my friend Whitney about names (she has the best names for her kids...I love them!) and she told me about this name website, where you can look up all sorts of popularity stats.

So I just checked it out. If you can believe what you read on the internet, in 2010 there were 787 babies named Rebekah and 2250 named Rebecca. Sigh. We're so underpopulated...we Rebekahs.
In positive news, though, it's been half a dozen years since someone named her son Rebekah, whereas just a couple of years ago, five little boy Rebeccas entered the world. (Seriously??)

After the debacle of my tall letter/short letter name - I vowed with everything not in me to NOT do this to my kids, should I ever have them. I would not give them a name they couldn't find on a personalization kiosk.

So um...Braeya? Well, if you can believe what you read on the internet, and I quote, "No matches were found." Seriously? Since 1880 no one has thought of Braeya??

So if you need a little bit of a time waster this weekend...check out the site and find out all the stats on the popularity of your name. Fascinating info!

What a Difference a Year Makes

Okay, so I wasn't going to write about this because I feel kind of star-struck-annoying when I talk about some of the opportunities I get because of my job. But then...I remembered part of what I want to preserve on my blog is a running memory of what happened in my life, so I changed my mind and decided to write about it.

Yesterday, Lynne and I interviewed Angie Smith.

Shut. The. Front. Door.

There are a handful of women whose writing I so deeply admire - and were you to line them up and examine their writing styles, you'd give me a very puzzled look and say "They sound nothing alike. How can these all be your favorites?" Well, because. :)

What I love about Angie is that she is hilarious - and yet deeply profound. I alternate between giggling and underlining when I read her books. Another thing I love about Angie is that she's so Bekah. When she wrote about meeting Beth Moore....well....this is virtually the same reaction I had to speaking with her on the air.

Angie's first book, I Will Carry You told the story of her grief and joy as she prepared to give birth to the daughter she knew would die, and though my circumstances were different, the lessons and insights she shared in those pages carried me through my desert.

Her new book is called What Women Fear, but let me tell you: even if you're not a woman, you can benefit from this book. Powerful biblical principles in that book!

I sat at the board and stared at my notes in front of me, listening to her share about her debilitating life-long battle with fear and how the Lord was transforming and redeeming that struggle to bring glory to Him, and I closed my eyes to soak in the moment.

One year ago (per my blog post last year at this time) I'd spent the week fearing for my safety at work because of some angry words a parent of one of my students spewed at me over the phone. It was the first time I'd seriously wondered if the parent would get in the car, drive to campus and go on a shooting spree. I never would have dreamed that one year later I'd be sitting at an engineer board giggling with Angie Smith about junior high French braids and finding an Anne of Green Gables-esque buddy.

Who knew??

It proves my year's verse right: His ways are far beyond what I could imagine!

Dunes and Lighthouses

I've done a couple posts before about vacationlets I hope to someday take...one to Mackinac Island and one to Chicago.

Perhaps it was the springlike weather we had yesterday morning (hello 53 degrees in January!!) or perhaps it is that last year at this time I was planning an escape to Florida...but I have the itch to take a trip! And since that isn't on the horizon...I can dream, right?

So here's one of my little destination dreams. Kind of silly, maybe, but true.

I've never seen a lighthouse in real life.

You think I want to take a trip to a lighthouse because I want to have a ridiculous photo shoot, don't you?


Guilty as charged!


But it's not just that. I think they're beautiful - and I can only imagine the view from inside one. Oh yes. I think that should happen this year.


And...while I'm at it...never been to any sand dunes either. And though I have no good reason (other than photo shoots, which are a given) for wanting to go...I just want to.

So let's bring on the pretty days so I can road-trip my way to a couple of fulfilled dreamlets!

He Knew

Once upon a time, I thought I wanted to write fiction. I was wrong. (Watch...now that I've declared that, I'll be wrong again!)

I wrote fiction(ish) in college and was fairly decent in the craft, but I determined that juggling all the simultaneous story lines and full character development were just not my forte. My gifts were elsewhere.

My friends Jody and Sarah write fiction, and I've come in contact with many other fiction writers through work, and I have a newfound appreciation for how much labor goes into each piece they write.

The one thing I read frequently is how writers are surprised (sometimes) to see where the story lines go. They fully expected a character to go left, but when they sat to write...he totally veered to the right and surprised everyone, including them.

The other night I lay curled up in bed, sporting my fuzzy pink bathrobe and an equally fuzzy princess blanket...and a trail of mascara down both cheeks. I poured my heart out before the Lord and hoped my words were seeping through the ceiling, out the roof, and up to Heaven.

Late at night, my friend Bob called out of the blue (he never calls) - and as I shared my heart-confusion with him, he said many profound things, but the one in particular was this:

Bekah, your Daddy knows. When He was forming you...when He was shaping you inside your mama, He saw this night. He saw this hurt. This doesn't surprise Him. He knew it was coming. Your Daddy knows...and He knew it then.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. - Psalm 139:16

God is no fiction writer. My life's random twists and turns (and there have been many) haven't surprised Him. He knows. He always knew. He knew every giggle and every sob before they formed within me. He knows all the ones ahead.

I knew that somewhere in the core of me...you know, from second grade Sunday School or something...but there was something comforting and reassuring about hearing it it phrased just that way while beneath the pile of pink fuzzy and dried mascara trails.

So in case today is your day to have heart confusion, can I just tell you? He knows. He always knew. He knew THIS day. And He knows tomorrow. Your Daddy knows.

Encourage Each Other

Junior high is unkind to most and I didn't escape that. Big hair...bigger bangs...who-let-me-out-dressed-like-that clothing...and the ongoing struggle to outgrow my baby chub just didn't make for a fun time in life.

One week a boy who was as cursed by junior high as I was (except he didn't have big bangs) visited our Sunday School class. Mercifully I have forgotten the exact scenario and the words that accompanied it, but he said something to me in response to something I had said to the group....that was, well, jaw-dropping rude. No one had any idea how to handle it, because no one wanted to be rude to the visitor...but wow. It was OUT LOUD.

The next day I came home to a card in the mail - from my youth pastor's wife, the lovely Jody Hedlund. I still see it in my mind...cartoon drawn front, cut out in the shape of a heart, and inside, words that confirmed that I was special. Beneath the printed message, she wrote that she wanted me to know how wrong and how rude the visitor had been and that she didn't want me to doubt my beauty and worth in the eyes of the Lord.

Lo these many years later, I remember her card. I actually still have it.

I was in college when God called me to be an encourager...and I launched into it mainly through letter and card writing. Jody's card meant so much to me...and I wanted to pass that on to others.

After all, who doesn't love getting non-bill, non-junk mail that says Hey. You're special. I'm thinking about you!


For years, I made my own cards. Then I fell off the card-making bandwagon, first through the lack of initiative in the desert days and then through the busyness that is now my life.

But the time has come to send cards again. There are people surrounding me on all sides who just flat out hurt.

They need something that says they're loved.

For a while now, I've been reading Holley Gerth's blog posts and I come away saying, That's what I would have said if I'd have thought of it.

Holley also writes for Dayspring, and when I found out about their card link up posting day, I knew I wanted a pack of her cards, because she would say to my friends in need what I would say to them if I had the ability to be concise. (Which, you well know, I don't have...)

When they arrived, I ripped them open and read every one...and I had tears in my eyes because I needed those words myself.
"The Lord has given you all you need and made you all you need to be for victory."

"You're welcomed, held, cherished just as you are and encouraged to embrace all He has for you."

"And that thing that you're worried about? The One who made you is going to make it okay too."

So as much as I wish I could hang all these cards in my bathroom and look them over every day to be reminded of words of truth...

...I'm going to send them out. One by one...to friends who might feel like big-haired teenagers sitting across from mean-spirited boys with loud mouths. To people feeling like failures and losers.

Maybe you've been like me...too busy, too preoccupied...too whatever. But maybe someone needs a card? Check out Holley's line over at Dayspring and see what I mean!

** Dayspring provided my sample cards, but all the opinions are mine and are true! **

It's the Weekly Recap!

* Last Sunday morning, I had the chance to visit Mt. Etna Wesleyan Church where my friend Brian Holland is the pastor. (Brian is the one who baptized me last summer.) He recently took this church and invited me, along with several others, to visit for the day and see what God is doing there. After church, I needed some time with the Lord, so I drove to the IWU athletic fields, parked by the pond and sat there for three hours trying to pray.
* Monday evening I tried my hand at a brand new cooking experiment: making a gluten-free, sugar-free carrot cake! Diane, one of my work buddies had a birthday on Tuesday and requested it as her treat. A vegetable in a cake still counts as a serving of them...right?

*Tuesday evening I had my inaugural visit to the Flat Top Grill, which my friend Doug described as the Build-A-Bear of stir fry. That kinda cracked me up. Have to say - it was pretty yummy! Anytime someone says "go ahead and add as much meat to your plate as you want..." I'm happy. Ahhh the life of a meatatarian.

* Wednesday I had the privilege to speak with Lisa Harper on the air during Mid-Morning. I was petrified I'd do something overly humiliating but I did not...and she was such a delight to talk to that I just wanted to keep her the whole hour! And here is some random proof that my job is the best in the world. An afternoon spent wrapping books in raffia? Yes, please!
*Thursday the weather forecast came true. It never does. They gear us up for these storms every year and they never happen. ButI got a text Thursday afternoon that the roads were getting slick and I would be wise to stay in Fort Wayne, so I drove to Lynne's and hunkered down with the fuzziest blanket on the planet. Pizza, iced tea, scrapbooking, journaling, reading, TV...not a bad night, I must say.

* Friday evening I was supposed to hang out with the lovely Julie Crandall, but the weather gave us other plans. I ended up staying in Fort Wayne again...got a hotel room! There's something of fun about hotel stays! Too bad I didn't remember to take my suit...they had a hot tub!!
* Saturday I finally made it home and I had Christmas (yes - CHRISTMAS!! - don't judge us!) with Marie. We never had time to do it before! Look at my new present...a tote for my car! (To keep for weather emergencies.) We had homemade pizza for dinner and watched a movie on Hallmark. Fun evening!!

One Thousand Gifts: I've already written about some of them this week, but I think one of my favorites was the way God showed me how ordinary places can be very hallowed ground. Lately I've been praying often in the shower and one day I actually took two showers just to have more time to pray. I know there's nothing magical about the shower, but for me, it provides holy ground.

Organization Confessions: Got a little behind on this since I wasn't home for three days, but I am so glad my fridge has been cleaned and my can shelf has been oganized. It's the little things...I love weeding out!

Pinterest Inspiration: This week, my Pinterest creation came in the form of a blog post. I found a list of questons, pinned by Yessenia Maldano, to ask your family around the dinner table, so I adapted it some and wrote this post!

72 Gifts

One thousand gifts...and as of today, I'm seventy-two documented gifts richer.

Looking for these gifts absolutely overwhelms me. I know all these things happened before I started counting, but I never noticed.

How much I missed!!

Here is just a sampling of the beauty God has sent my way since January 1:

2. Seeing a familiar verse in new words...a wash of love.
14. Praying in dark and stillness on the commute.

20. Pudgy baby fists reaching for soft books.

30. Butterflies in my stomach.

45. Lists made by a dear friend...to remind me of my worth.

59. Soft roar of a heater.

61. Finding an email that asked me to write a new Bible study.

68. Nestling in bed while wind beats the window.

70. Knit caps snug on my head. 72. The smell of new boots.

Thank You, Abba.

Warm and Safe

Warning: this post contains life lessons learned in the presence of my cat and should not be construed as pathetic. :)

Until this summer, Braeya had only ever known life in a two-cat home. She came to live with me when Kaegan was five and for the five years they shared, she did her best to amuse and entertain him and he met each effort with a blink and a turned head. In the days since his death, she's really had to work to find a new normal. It hasn't helped that he died the same month I started a new job that takes much more of my time than the old one.

I do feel sorry for the poor girl.

She sleeps in my bed every night (although in her mind, I'm sure it's that I sleep in HER bed...) and usually when I get up in the morning, she gets up too. Yesterday she kept sleeping. (Must be nice.)

When I got out of bed and stumbled toward the lamp to turn it on, I tripped over this pile:
I started to say "BRAEYA!!!!" but when I turned around, she was so angelic there on the end of her bed with one paw stretched out and one tucked under her chin...which is how she always sleeps. I couldn't yell at her for leaving her toys at the end of the bed when she looked that cute.

Then, because I'm learning to reframe, you know, I looked at this pile of toys and thought to myself, It's not like she put them there TO trip me. She put them there because that's what she does when she goes to bed. She brings her favorite toy from that day...carries it in her mouth like she's a dog...and deposits it right by where she plans to sleep so that it will be ready for the next day. It's her house too, and she knows it. She's warm and safe here. Safe to leave a pile of toys at the end of the bed.

Warm and safe. Isn't that a good feeling? Since I've been counting 1000 gifts, I've been very aware of the simple blessings. Things like warmth and safety. Not everyone has that, you know.

This girl has it.
Even if it means taking a nap on my shirt before I iron it.

Or confiscating my fat chair for (imagine it) another nap.

But my favorite is when she curls right up ON me and snuggles for a while. She's not a lap cat, so those moments are rare. When she drapes that one little paw on me...I know she feels the warmest...and she knows she's safe here.

When I backed out of the driveway to go to work, two cats sat in the drizzle, hiding under cars for shelter. I glanced at them, thinking about Braeya sacked out on my bed, with her toys at hand, all warm and safe.

Not everyone knows warmth and safety.

I'm blessed.

Passion

Remember that line in You've Got Mail where Kathleen says that whatever else anything is...it ought to begin by being personal?

A few years ago I adapted that just a bit for my own life and declared that whatever else anything is in my life, it ought to begin by being passionate. I don't like to attack things halfway. If I'm going to invest in something, I'm going to invest in something.

Of course that's brought its own share of heartbreak now and then, but that's okay. I may hurt, but I don't look back and regret not giving it my all.

Yesterday, Lisa Harper was on Mid-Morning for a few minutes, and Lynne and I had the chance to talk to her about a young lady named Marie. Marie is a crack addict and is 6 1/2 months pregnant with a baby girl that Lisa hopes to adopt. If Marie can't stop using, the baby's life will be in greater danger than it is right now.

Lisa, if you don't know, is a Bible study teacher whose ministry resume is impressive. She's written a number of (fantastic) books and Bible studies, she's toured with Women of Faith, she's worked at Focus on the Family...but she's also felt God's call on her life to work with girls battling addiction. She gets right in there, rolls up her sleeves, and crawls around in the muck with them. And now she's wrestling this beast of addiction not just to become a mom...but because she genuinely desires to see Marie delivered from the grip of drugs.

Lisa was on our show to talk about "Marie Mondays," a campaign she created for prayer, fasting, and encouragement to try to save these two lives in particular. She put out pleas on Facebook, Twitter, our show, and any other avenue she has, because she's that passionate for these lives. That passionate about this ministry.

Made me think.

God hasn't called me (today, anyway) to run straight into a crack house, help girls get clean and adopt their addicted babies. But He has called me to other things. Am I putting as much passion into those things as I possibly can? Am I encouraging others every time I have an opportunity? Am I listening and retaining information so I can follow up later? Am I writing? Am I putting every ounce of my being into my job (which IS my main ministry)? Am I running with every bit of my soul into the Throne Room every day to soak up time with God?

Whatever it is He's asked me to do...it ought to begin (and end) with passion.

A Little Q & A

I feel like all I've done for the past few days is think. My brain is tired. So today...I'm answering a random smattering of questions. :) Little known (and probably not even necessary) facts about Bekah.

1. If you could have changed your name as a kid, what would you have been named? I desperately wanted to be a Brittany. I think it was part of my quest to be among the popular bunch. (Now I'm glad to be a Rebekah, though I still hold to my conviction that a middle name of "Cranky" would be easier to live up to than "Joy." HA!)

2. Who was your favorite Disney Princess? I'm a Belle girl all the way. Side note - UNBELIEVABLY thrilled that Beauty and the Beast is coming back to the theater. I never got to see it on the big screen the first time around, but you can know I'll be there this time! Can't wait!

3. Which character in a book would you have wanted to be? Growing up (as in my teen years) I adored the Love Comes Softly series of books by Janette Oke. I wanted to be Marty. In fact, I used to memorize parts of the book like a script in case they came out with a movie. Then they DID come out with a movie. Katherine Heigl played Marty. Something tells me I couldn't have beat her in an audition.

4. What punishment did you receive as you grew up that you felt was unfair? Hands down - the saga of the peaches. Have I told you that story? It was a battle of the wills between the Mama and me and she was determined to win. She did (as she should have) - and to this day I won't eat peaches because of that event!

5. Were you neat or messy as a kid? I was a HORRIBLE slob as a kid. I had a tall plastic shelf in the corner of my room and I once piled so many things on it that it toppled over and I had to run out of the room to keep from being pelted by shelf debris. After that I started making an effort to be neat(er).

Doubtful that any of this information will make you a Jeopardy champion, but thanks for reading the random of the randomest!

Reframing

I told you yesterday I have trust issues. And let me tell you. Yesterday it felt like God and Satan were having a tug of war and I was the rope.

If you think I'm kidding, check this out: I skipped lunch. That's when you KNOW it's serious. I don't really believe in skipping meals.

Typically I call my mom on my way home from work and we talk for most of the commute. I worked over Monday evening and figured she would be worried when I hadn't called a half hour after I normally do. As I pack-muled my way out to my car with all my work luggage, I half-groaned, God, I really would rather talk to You on the way home. I'm a mess.

I lovingly arranged the luggage in the car, crawled in the front seat and pulled out the phone to call Mom. I could tell when she answered that she was in the middle of dinner at a restaurant. "Can I call you later?" she said.

I hung up and felt the God-tap on my shoulder. You got it, Baby Girl. We have a whole commute together.

Unsure of how to begin...I sort of stuttered, and then I finally blurted out I need You to tell me what You want me to do because I can't do this.

Never before have I felt the car become such sacred ground, but it was yesterday evening. I did my best to say out loud all the things that weighed on my heart, and finally I heard God say Baby, do you remember the day you learned to stop flailing and be still in my arms? Yes. Yes I did.

Do that.

I tried. I tried to put myself back in that sweltering living room and imagine the strong arms that pressed me tightly until I stopped fighting.

Then I heard Let's review what you know to be true. And for the rest of the ride home, He reminded me of what is true about me. He whispered truths I needed to hear. He helped me see my world from a different point of view.

He reframed it for me.

I'm all about the tangible, you know. And I know that while this battle is already won, there might be a fight or two yet to face. So to help, I picked this up last night.

(Sorry the picture is blurry and I do plan to one day make the word a little classier looking. But this works for now.) I'm taking it to work with me, and when I start to flail and fight and lose sight of the truth, I plan to pick it up and move it to the other side of the desk.

Reframing in action.

Trust

"God and I, we've long had trust issues."

Ann Voskamp opened chapter 8 of One Thousand Gifts with that sentence, and I'm not going to lie - I gasped a little when I read it. Are you allowed to say that out loud? Isn't it sort of...not nice to say about God? (Like in The Best Christmas Pageant Ever when Alice said it wasn't very nice to say the baby Jesus had colic.)

But I have to admit...if I'm to be honest today, God and I, we've long had trust issues.

Nothing tastes more bitter than admitting that out loud.

Yesterday I sat at the athletic fields at IWU, the sun keeping me warm through the window of my car, and I called dear, sweet, patient Ronda, who has so graciously put up with my out-loud ramblings during and post-desert...and with hot tears rolling down my face I said, "The bottom line is I just don't trust God to take care of this and I know that's not even nice."

We talked some and finally concluded it wasn't so much that I didn't trust God as it was I didn't trust people to listen to God and do what He said.

I finally came home and crawled in bed, sporting the olive green sweater I'd worn to church, my pearl necklace, and white flannel pajama pants with all manner of pink, purple and turquoise hearts all over them. (Those are the ensembles that just invite a house fire.)

When I got up, I made my way into the shower, because sometimes I hear God better near water and in the absence of owning my own beach, I thought the shower might help. I sat on the floor, with water pelting me until no more hot water flowed...and I tried to squeak out some prayers. With my head resting against the wall of the shower, I heard God say, "Remember your song? Day by Day? He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure gives unto each day what He deems best? You do know that those gifts are sometimes GOOD things, right?"

Uh. Maybe I forgot?

When the hot water stopped, I crawled out and went back to bed, where I opened Ann's book to the trust issues chapter again. I skimmed through to see what I'd underlined. "What if I opened the clenched hands wide to receive all that is? A life that receives all of God in this moment?"

And "The full life, the one spilling joy and peace, happens only as I come to trust the caress of the Lover, Lover who never burdens His children with shame or self-condemnation but keeps stroking the fears with gentle grace."

So that's where I am today. Learning to uncurl my clenched fists to receive the goodness that is His love.

It's the Weekly Recap!

* Last Sunday I kicked off the new year by driving to Ft. Wayne to attend a service at The Pointe Church. My friend Doug met me there, because one of his friends preached there that morning. Really good sermon and time of worship! I spent the rest of the day with Doug and his friend's family, and they just welcomed me right in as one of their own. We ate lunch at Smokey Bones and went back to their house to hang out, talk, look at pictures, watch TV, and watch The Help, which I had never seen before. Thanks Doug, Mitch, Kim, and Ben for making my first day of 2012 so much fun!

* Monday was SUPPOSED to be a very busy work day at home. In reality - I was a total bum! I did spend quite a bit of time with the Lord, which was good, and I finished my Pinterest inspiration piece for the week. Here's the before picture:
I was grateful to have the day at home, though, because apparently we got some black ice overnight and my work route was full of slide-offs. I was thrilled to be comfy in my bed instead of shivering in a ditch!

* And speaking of that, my commute on Tuesday took an hour and a half (and I was late - ICK!) after I slid on a bridge on the interstate. Got right off of THAT thing and took a back way from that point forward. But from there, the day vastly improved, with the most exciting moment being the chance to participate in the interview with Ann Voskamp. I think that will always be one of my most treasured memories. And when I came home, I assembled (with great wrestling and calorie-burning) this storage unit as part of my new organizational calendar commitment!
* Wednesday was a combination of a test of trust...and a feast of beauty. The perfect mix for my 1000 gifts challenge! Among other things...this gorgeous sight on the way home from work. (Focus on the sky, not the house, although it's a cool house!)

* Thursday hailed the return of Grey's, so it also meant...time for Rachel to come back over for our standing TV date! Since she had a birthday this week, we had a little party...cupcakes (with candles of course)...and we exchanged Christmas gifts a little late...and she got her birthday gift. And then I cried over Grey's because that's what I do.
* Friday afternoon, on my commute home, I drove past about 5 miles of cars (literally) backed up on the interstate (opposite direction of my traveling path) who were stuck behind a pileup from a car hitting a semi carrying cows...and the cows got out. I yelled at the cars as I drove past, "Hope y'all didn't just drink a large iced tea! You're gonna be here a while!"


* Saturday was SUCH a fun day. I trekked north to the Goshen Fire and Ice festival, which I'd planned to attend the last two years and we had ice storms both times. Not this year! Gorgeous outside - and I had a total blast the entire day. Here's something that's NOT a blast. Seeing this at 1:30 a.m. when all you really want is bed:
One Thousand Gifts: In the first week I totaled 38 gifts...a long way from 1000, but 38 moments of seeing God actively working in my life...I'll take! Wanted to share this one this week. I got an email signed "hugs" and as I read the word, I imagined myself being hugged (because they are one of my favorite things in life). It occurred to me that there are people who don't know what it's like to be hugged. No one hugs them. I can't imagine a life without hugs. The comfort of being held...is a gift.

Organization Confessions: Love my newly assembled donation station! And it already has some donations in it...courtesy of the day my assignment was to clean off the top shelf of one cabinet. Given that I'd not used those things in about two years...I decided to evict them.

Pinterest Inspiration: I found this wreath on Pinterest courtesy of Whitney Scarborough and thought it was JUST darling.
I knew I had one grapevine wreath in my garage, left over from not selling at the yard sale this summer. So I went to Hobby Lobby to buy two more wreaths, a can of spray paint, a hat, some sparkly felt to make a ribbon on the hat, and some faux fur for a scarf. Found the "button" ornament on sale at the Gaither store - though it is hard to see against a red door - and made this myself!
Loved it! And that's been the week!

To Those Abandoning Resolutions...

It's January 7th. Time to declare defeat against new year's resolutions...right?

I'm a structure girl. That's why new years work so well for me. They are a defined fresh start. But I've been learning in the post-desert life to mellow a little bit where that whole structure thing is concerned. I've not perfected it. When I was creeping along a four lane highway that had been reduced to a mere two non-snow-covered-tracks and I watched the counter on my GPS lose another minute, declaring I'd be a full eighteen minutes late on the first day back in a new year...I was not mellow.

But in general, I'm doing better. And I'm here to tell you...if you're annoyed (angry, disappointed, fill in the blank) with yourself over failing to live up to the expectations you declared over this year, take heart. Do not give up.

* I wrote two pages of resolutions, and then my computer restarted and auto-save...didn't. Nothing like losing the proof of your resolutions before you even get to execute them.

* I injured my leg on the first day of the new workout DVD, sitting me out from that workout for the next three days.

* The first meal I prepared from the SkinnyTaste blog (resolution to cook from there twice a month) freaked out my stomach (which is not used to eating anything gathered from any source labeled "skinny").

* My first official Pinterest project was a craft...which proved difficult when I realized the glue gun is one of the few things officially packed. Like under a well taped box.

It doesn't always go perfectly. But that's no reason to give up. I did crunches while my leg healed. I'll keep eating the health food...eventually my stomach will realize it's not just a cruel hoax. And surely someone has a glue gun I can borrow that will better hinge the darling thing I made. Double sided tape just wasn't the miracle.

I'm determined to keep going. 2012 is a year of cultivation. Not a year of perfection.

Keep going with me?

Forsaking Fear

Hi, my name is Bekah, and I struggle with fear.

My fear used to be utterly paralyzing. Remember when I told you about my fear of the rapture? After that, I moved on to fears of many other things...and many of them are things I'm still not wild about to this day, but that gripping, heart-stopping terror has subsided.

The desert helped with that. It was my then-worst-fear come true. To be chosen and promptly rejected. And I lived through it. Other things don't seem so bad now.

Usually.

In a couple of weeks, the lovely Angie Smith is planning to be on Mid-Morning to talk about her new book, What Women Fear. So this week, I started reading the book, and I knew...I knew...reading that book would bring to the surface some of those remaining fear-wounds that so rarely sting anymore. I prepared myself. It'll get worse before it gets better, I said to myself. It'll hurt but you need to hurt so you can keep healing.

So I took a deep breath, plunged in, and read.

Check out these words: It is so easy to fear we have ruined something beautiful. So easy for us to believe that we held the keys to what was supposed to be and now we are destined to live among the ashes that remain...We are powerless in changing it, but paralyzed by the sense that we have tainted the greatest canvas of our lives...You weren't made to walk through life with the stack of missed opportunities pressing you into the ground. (...from What Women Fear, pp. 24-25)

I underlined those words and pondered them in my my journal. That was me. That still IS me, some days. The days when I think Bekah if you'd just been more, he would have stayed and you would have had the promise. Now you get ashes.

No.

Because I serve a God who trades beauty for ashes.

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. - Isaiah 61:3, NLT

I went to bed after reading that chapter and I didn't just cry myself to sleep. I sobbed myself to sleep.

Good sobbing. 1000-gifts-worthy cleansing sobs. I am not destined to live in the ashes that remain from a broken relationship. I am destined to live in the beauty of whatever lies ahead.

If only I can let go of the fear it doesn't exist. It's not an overnight fix. But I'm thankful it's healing come to life in this girl's heart.

Brilliance

This week has been more about thoughts than the days in Bekahland. That is partly because laundry and organization make for semi-boring posts and partly because a side effect of a new year (for me) is time spent in deeper-than-usual thought.

As per my organizational calendar instructions, I trudged forth to Meijer Monday evening to purchase a donation station (mine is a variation...room for more than just donations). And Tuesday evening I settled in with the Biggest Loser and the storage cube box, which loudly declared (meaning bold font) that no tools were required and easy assembly could be accomplished in under thirty minutes.

CLEARLY the manufacturer has never met me.

I was pretty excited about the no-tools-required part. Once, when I assembled a shelf that required tools, I left a significant chunk of the side board's finish on the floor of my freshman dorm hall...after becoming slightly overzealous with the hammer. But in this assembly, I quickly learned that "no-tools-required" was code for "better-have-muscles." Well, I do have them. Much more so than ever before in my life, actually. But not enough to wrestle wire cubes together in perfect angles.


It was comical, I'm sure. Braeya was probably laughing from her perch on the back of the fat chair. Girl vs. wire. Who will win? Well let me tell you this. I did not win in under 30 minutes. Granted I kept it close to 30...but not under. Nevertheless, it did turn out fairly stable looking:


Okay, now enter the life lesson. In sharing this adventure with one of my friends, I received the following reply: "Just remember it's not how much time it takes to build it that counts...all that matters is how long it stays together."

The moment my eyes fell on those words, they ceased to be about a wrestling match with a wire cube. That's a wildly profound life lesson right there. Brilliance on a screen.

I just told you my God-prodded "theme" for life this year is cultivating. And I believe He just entered lesson number one into my view.

These friendships...these relationships...this job I'm still learning...this practice of finding and unwrapping love-gifts...this relationship with Abba...it's not how much time it takes to build it that counts. All that matters is how long it stays together.


This cultivating. It's life-work. It may be the year's theme, but it's life-work.

"One Thousand Gifts"

There are days you know you'll always remember. Pivotal sorts of days. I know this is only the fourth day of the year, but I'm fairly certain I've already had more than one of those days in 2012. And one of them (for certain) was yesterday.

Lynne and I kicked off our 2012 live shows with Ann Voskamp. I was unspeakably nervous about that interview. Not because I worried about Ann's ability to hold her her end of an interview. (After December's blooper reel, I was highly worried about my ability to hold my end of an interview...but I digress.) I was nervous because it's been several years since a book (other than the Bible) touched my soul as profoundly as One Thousand Gifts. And I did not take lightly the opportunity to exchange words with the author.

My pilgrimage through the book was slow, but so worth the extra time it took to digest what she said. (Because it was that good.)

And yesterday I sat in front of the engineering board for the first time in a week and a half, and listened, mesmerized, to her words. Listened to her careful, deliberate delivery, which I'd grown to love from the book and her blog, and then smiled and listened when her words tumbled out in great excitement as her passion for the thankful life couldn't be contained.

What do you say to Ann Voskamp when you have the chance to ask her a question? Among other things, I wanted to know how long it took her to get to 1000 gifts.

Eight weeks. That's it. In a mere eight weeks, she opened 1000 gifts from the Lord and chronicled them in her journal. And she didn't stop. She kept counting. Kept unwrapping love, as she calls it.

Lynne and I are taking the 1000 gifts challenge this year. Keeping our eyes open to the ways our Abba pours love into our lives. Writing down the beauty that is His love. Looking for love in the beautiful. Looking for love in the heartbreaking.

Unwrapping 1000 gifts. Looking back over the list and finding ourselves back in those places, washed with that love again. And when we've reached 1000, we'll go for 2000. 3000. On and on.

We would love for you to join us. I'm listing some of my gifts in each week's recap. Some of you may already be keeping track...but if you aren't, want to come on the journey with us? And even if you have, start again? Ann said she would. Proof that there is always love to be received from His hand.