Another Chance

Remember last week...when I told you about my modified obedience? {aka...disobedience??}

It was a warm evening in May – one year after my failed attempts at the Tuesday prayer assignment - that I curled up on the couch with my journal, my pen, and Lisa Bevere's book, Out of Control and Loving It. I had the out of control part down. I was hoping to learn how to love it.

I read these words and conviction poured over me:  “We need to stop trying to conceal our inward condition and instead allow God to heal us.  He already knows our true conditions, yet He loves us.  Untangle yourselves from the superficial and embrace the supernatural.  It is urgent that we consecrate and separate ourselves, not by rending natural garments, but by tearing the hidden veil from our hearts.”

I had not only tried to conceal my inward condition from everyone around me – including my accountability partner – but I’d even tried to conceal it from God.  I knew He knew – but there was something about seeing that reminder in print that made it real to me.  I had a big veil in my heart and I knew some rending needed to take place.  Yet I was already in the middle of another rather significant spiritual exercise, and the thought of taking on more made me want to curl up and quit.

In response to those thoughts, I wrote in my prayer journal, God, I know that this is why it’s not time for me to find my husband yet – I need to work on inward adornment  Wow.  So much work – and at times very discouraging.  Very much so.

Suddenly feeling very heavy in my heart, I closed Lisa’s book and moved on to my Bible reading for that evening. In the way that only God could ordain, my Psalm reading that day was from Psalm 102:

“Lord, hear my prayer!  Listen to my plea!  Don’t turn away from me in my time of distress.  Bend down to listen and answer me quickly when I call to you.  For my days disappear like smoke, and my bones burn like red-hot coals.  My heart is sick, withered like grass…Because of my groaning, I am reduced to skin and bones…I lie awake, lonely as a solitary bird on the roof…” (NLT).

Well, I couldn’t relate to the skin and bones part, but the rest of it described my feeling that day.  Loneliness overwhelmed me.  I stared at Lisa’s book on the floor nearby and thought again of all the inward rending and mending that needed to take place before I could even think of being ready for a husband.  I turned my attention back to Psalm 102 again and made it my prayer.  I was just so lonely. 

In the way that God does with me, I felt prompted to open the devotional book God Calling. This book was the precursor to the popular Jesus Calling...and was written by two missionary women years and years ago.  I’ve found that often the words within speak to my heart almost as much as Scripture, and this day was no exception.  The words on the page that day read:

“Delay is but the wonderful and all-loving restraint of your Father – not reluctance, not desire to deny – but the Divine control of a Father who can scarcely brook the delay.  Delay has to be – sometimes.  Your lives are so linked up with those of others, so bound by circumstances that to let your desire have instant fulfillment might in many cases cause another, as earnest prayer, to go unanswered.  But think for a moment of the Love and thoughtful care that seeks to harmonize and reconcile all your desires and longings and prayers.  Delay is not denial – not even withholding.  It is the opportunity for God to work out your problems and accomplish your desires in the most wonderful possible way for you.”

Delay.  I knew about that.  I wonder…had I obeyed and taken the Tuesday prayer assignment seriously…would I have him by now?  Would I at least be closer to finding him?  Why didn’t I do it the way God asked?

And then I heard that Still Small Voice once again:

Tomorrow is Tuesday…