I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
~ Psalm 27:13-14 ~
According to my Bible, my sweet Julie Crandall sent me this verse on June 16th, 2010, when I was smack in the middle of my desert. I haven't consulted the journal to see what happened that day, but I know that was right about the deepest, darkest time, and I was rapidly losing hope that God even saw, heard, or cared for me anymore.
So the verse is colored yellow in my Bible with her name and the date written next to it. But this past Sunday, God used the verse in a big way to remind me of new hope and a new future for me. My pastor read all of Psalm 27 right before our time of open worship at church. (Open worship is a quiet time where you can just sit and commune silently with God...and if you feel led to share something with the congregation, you can.) As the words of these verses soaked into my heart, I whispered to the Lord that I needed some goodness right then. I needed to know that something good could come to me despite the hurt in my heart. And boy did He ever give me that right on the spot. He is AWESOME!
So...while saving the extended version of that story for another time...here's what I have learned about this verse.
I am still confident of this: The word confident means believe, trust, stand still, be enduring. Hmmm. Stand still. Not my best gift, but certainly one God has been teaching me in desert (and post-desert) boot camp. The verse doesn't say I can be cautiously optimistic of the good things. I can count on them. I can trust. I can believe. And I can be so trusting that I can even stand still and wait for Him to move. (Gulp.)
I will see the goodness of the Lord: Goodness means beauty, excellence, prosperity. I will be honest...I love the inclusion of the word beauty. Sunday night I called Ronda to spill the great God story, and at the end, she told me she loved God's attention to detail in my life...and frankly, so do I. I love the beauty He throws into every day...every adventure...every step of my journey. Even the painful steps. And I love being able to sit here and say (genuinely!) to you today that I AM confident that God is still good in my life. Even when life totally fell apart and I wanted to die. PRAYED to die. He kept right on being good.
...in the land of the living: Our pastor talked specifically in his sermon about how it's great to have the hope of eternal life, but we also need to remember God isn't done being good HERE. I think this phrase might be one of the reasons Julie sent me this verse in the first place. I needed to know that God still had use for me on this earth.
Wait for the Lord: Wait. Isn't it a fun word? (Insert eyeroll here.) But I have learned that the words wait and hope in Scripture usually mean to expect. Not optimism. Not crossing fingers. EXPECTATION. And so as I sit in the confidence of God's goodness, I can expect He's cooking up some good, good things for me.
...be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord: The phrase be strong means to be courageous, to encourage, to preserve, to make firm, to strengthen, to conquer. My sister told me in a letter once that I'm stronger than I know. I didn't believe her then, but after the desert, I agreed. I had no idea I had quite that much in me. My job right now is to buck up. To find that courage God has placed within me, and to push forward.
And did you notice that part about encouraging? It's true...when you feel you're just a mess, you sometimes have no idea who is encouraged by your mess. Some of my desert cheerleaders told me over and over (as I apologized profusely for my constant tears and questions) that they were so encouraged in their faith by watching me struggle - and find victory - in mine.
So, friend, be strong! Take heart. Expect good things. And know that He is still good - right now.
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