God is up to something. I’m not really sure what – but He’s up to something. I feel like I’m following this trail of crumbs, and I can’t quite tell what I’m headed toward, but I can tell I’m headed for something. And I wonder not only what I’m headed for, but when I might expect to arrive.
Last night I wanted to quit. Ever feel like that? I did. I texted Marie and told her that I felt very out of the God loop and my own personal path seemed much easier. I have a path. It seems like an exciting path – or at least it’s exciting in my daydreams. Somehow I have a feeling if it were to scoot over into reality, I wouldn’t even recognize it. And down in the bottom corner of my heart, I can hear God saying “That’s not really what you want and you know it. You’re just grasping and that’s the best you can do. Wait ‘til you see what I can do!”
So last night when I was journaling, I said, “My faith isn’t feeling so well right now…This that You ask of me is so much bigger than I am. I’m not sure how to approach it. Are you just waiting for me to throw my hands up and give up? Is that what You need so You can be at work?” I think it’s good to be involved…but my involvement shoots into just plain interference without warning. That can’t help whatever it is He’s trying to do.
I figured it couldn’t hurt to toss up the old hands and say “Okay fine. My way clearly isn’t going anywhere, so You do it Your way.”
Funny how He loves that.
I opened up devotional book number one (I have several) –this one is written by Joyce Meyer. It’s a morning and evening devotional in one, but I’d not yet read the morning part, so I started there. She quoted Psalm 25:1 and said, “…it gives you the answer for your whole life: give it to the Lord…It means bringing Him your entire existence and everything it entails. Grasping that truth will set you free from weariness and a feeling of wanting to give up.” I just shook my head. This is what I’ve come to expect and love about God. When I’m truly at my wit’s end – He kicks in with a fury I wouldn’t have bothered to see if I had any wit left.
I flipped the book over and read the evening devotional. Among other things, I found, “So no matter what you see today, believe that God is working on your breakthrough.” Well I certainly hope so! I need a breakthrough before I break my head trying to figure it out.
Putting Joyce aside, I moved on to the next book, God Calling, and found this under yesterday’s date: “I am teaching you…My way of removing mountains: the way to remove mountains is the way of praise.” I seemed to remember a time – probably 3 years ago – when God taught me very specifically how to pray by praising. I didn’t understand it then, but I did it. And the outcome wasn’t quite what I’d envisioned (okay, nowhere near), but I did learn that my praise brought an answer. Just because it wasn’t the one I had my eye on didn’t make it less real or less powerful to the person who benefited from the joy that came.
I went to bed, sure that God was done talking for a while. WRONG.
Let me just kind of explain to you what I like to call the alarm clock adventure. You know I hate mornings. I have to ease into them. Gently. So I set two alarms. The clock radio goes off first. It goes off every nine minutes when I hit snooze, so it goes off twice before the obnoxious beep of the cell phone begins. It rings every five minutes when I hit snooze. I put the radio on one side of my head and the cell phone on the other side of my head, and then between turning left and right to hit snooze, I wake up. Well, and Kaegan generally wakes up with the first alarm and leaves his sleeping post behind the bathroom door to stand beside my ear and offer pitiful meows until I finally get up. Then he nestles down in the warm bed I just left. Cats. What a life.
I said all of that to say that it’s usually about 40 minutes into the alarm clock adventure before any of the noise registers with me. This morning when the first coherent radio alarm went off, I heard the following chorus – “God will make a way, where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see; He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way.” I rolled over (catching the cell phone alarm) and said “God, it is Sunday. It’s not even 8:00 yet!” Then whoever was talking on the radio (must have been a church service) said, “Say it with me. God will make a way.” So there I was, pushing away a cell phone alarm on one side and a morning-cat on the other side, mumbling “God will make a way.”
Once I was awake, I thought it was a nice gesture for God to send that as my wake up call. I went to church and somewhere about halfway through Sunday School, someone mentioned the song we were going to have at the end of the service. I’d never heard of this song before, but they told me the title was “O for a Faith that Will Not Shrink.” I grabbed my bulletin and looked for the sermon title. It was called Doubting God! I moaned and said “People, I gotta go home!! This is too much for a Sunday!”
But it wasn’t too much for a Sunday. It was a perfect Sunday to follow a perfect Saturday night. I still am no closer to knowing what He’s doing. But I’m closer to knowing He’s working, He doesn’t need my interference, and He does need my trust.
Last night I wanted to quit. Ever feel like that? I did. I texted Marie and told her that I felt very out of the God loop and my own personal path seemed much easier. I have a path. It seems like an exciting path – or at least it’s exciting in my daydreams. Somehow I have a feeling if it were to scoot over into reality, I wouldn’t even recognize it. And down in the bottom corner of my heart, I can hear God saying “That’s not really what you want and you know it. You’re just grasping and that’s the best you can do. Wait ‘til you see what I can do!”
So last night when I was journaling, I said, “My faith isn’t feeling so well right now…This that You ask of me is so much bigger than I am. I’m not sure how to approach it. Are you just waiting for me to throw my hands up and give up? Is that what You need so You can be at work?” I think it’s good to be involved…but my involvement shoots into just plain interference without warning. That can’t help whatever it is He’s trying to do.
I figured it couldn’t hurt to toss up the old hands and say “Okay fine. My way clearly isn’t going anywhere, so You do it Your way.”
Funny how He loves that.
I opened up devotional book number one (I have several) –this one is written by Joyce Meyer. It’s a morning and evening devotional in one, but I’d not yet read the morning part, so I started there. She quoted Psalm 25:1 and said, “…it gives you the answer for your whole life: give it to the Lord…It means bringing Him your entire existence and everything it entails. Grasping that truth will set you free from weariness and a feeling of wanting to give up.” I just shook my head. This is what I’ve come to expect and love about God. When I’m truly at my wit’s end – He kicks in with a fury I wouldn’t have bothered to see if I had any wit left.
I flipped the book over and read the evening devotional. Among other things, I found, “So no matter what you see today, believe that God is working on your breakthrough.” Well I certainly hope so! I need a breakthrough before I break my head trying to figure it out.
Putting Joyce aside, I moved on to the next book, God Calling, and found this under yesterday’s date: “I am teaching you…My way of removing mountains: the way to remove mountains is the way of praise.” I seemed to remember a time – probably 3 years ago – when God taught me very specifically how to pray by praising. I didn’t understand it then, but I did it. And the outcome wasn’t quite what I’d envisioned (okay, nowhere near), but I did learn that my praise brought an answer. Just because it wasn’t the one I had my eye on didn’t make it less real or less powerful to the person who benefited from the joy that came.
I went to bed, sure that God was done talking for a while. WRONG.
Let me just kind of explain to you what I like to call the alarm clock adventure. You know I hate mornings. I have to ease into them. Gently. So I set two alarms. The clock radio goes off first. It goes off every nine minutes when I hit snooze, so it goes off twice before the obnoxious beep of the cell phone begins. It rings every five minutes when I hit snooze. I put the radio on one side of my head and the cell phone on the other side of my head, and then between turning left and right to hit snooze, I wake up. Well, and Kaegan generally wakes up with the first alarm and leaves his sleeping post behind the bathroom door to stand beside my ear and offer pitiful meows until I finally get up. Then he nestles down in the warm bed I just left. Cats. What a life.
I said all of that to say that it’s usually about 40 minutes into the alarm clock adventure before any of the noise registers with me. This morning when the first coherent radio alarm went off, I heard the following chorus – “God will make a way, where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see; He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way.” I rolled over (catching the cell phone alarm) and said “God, it is Sunday. It’s not even 8:00 yet!” Then whoever was talking on the radio (must have been a church service) said, “Say it with me. God will make a way.” So there I was, pushing away a cell phone alarm on one side and a morning-cat on the other side, mumbling “God will make a way.”
Once I was awake, I thought it was a nice gesture for God to send that as my wake up call. I went to church and somewhere about halfway through Sunday School, someone mentioned the song we were going to have at the end of the service. I’d never heard of this song before, but they told me the title was “O for a Faith that Will Not Shrink.” I grabbed my bulletin and looked for the sermon title. It was called Doubting God! I moaned and said “People, I gotta go home!! This is too much for a Sunday!”
But it wasn’t too much for a Sunday. It was a perfect Sunday to follow a perfect Saturday night. I still am no closer to knowing what He’s doing. But I’m closer to knowing He’s working, He doesn’t need my interference, and He does need my trust.
7 comments:
I have so had those days...I wish I could have had one today. I am wondering why God has me at one place when I desperately want to be at another. But I will obey him, even if it kills me :). I really appreciated your post! Thanks for writing :).
Llita - It's nice to have company in my boat. :) I hope God sends you a little trail of answers to get you through the icky days.
I have been struggling with something similar myself. Feeling like my prayers are bouncing off my ceiling, feeling restless, not knowing what to do, etc. I keep asking God for his guidance and letting him know I'm open to whatever he has for me. Sometimes I wish he would just drop an angel in front of me with a neon sign saying what he has planned for me. So far, that has not happened. It would be cool if it did, seing Gabriel or Michael staning before me. Anyway... I keep asking God to open my ears to hear his still small voice. I don't want to miss what he says because it is not what I expected. My comment is turning into a small novel. All this to say you are not alone and I appreciate how you share with us.
Tina - the angel dropping would be nice, but I think He retired that alongside writing on walls! Unfortunate, huh? But I'm sure He uses just as bold of messengers now - if we recognize them for what they are. Like preachers on alarm clocks...sigh.
I guess it all goes back to this little sign Marie gave me for my desk - "bloom where you're planted." He isn't gonna move me until I learn to love this flower bed! :)
I like the sign from Marie. Are we allowed to decorate the flower bed or move it around? :O)
Yeah I definitely think we're not allowed to move the flower bed. Just sit in it if He moves it???
Your last paragraph sounds a lot like Job (a good thing). The point of the book of Job is not to explain why good people suffer. It's stated in five words, "God is greater than man" (Job 33:12). And that's basically the conclusion you come to with:
"I still am no closer to knowing what He’s doing. But I’m closer to knowing He’s working, He doesn’t need my interference, and He does need my trust."
Good on ya! God bless.
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