Love does not envy. When I think of envy, I think of a consuming desire to have what someone else has. And aside from the occasional wish to have a newer car – primarily an SUV with a sunroof – I don’t really struggle much with envy. The whole devilish “green with envy” thing isn’t much a part of my life.
But I decided to stick with the thought, because I figured God had something in there just for me. Something I needed to learn.
I turned my thoughts more toward jealousy. In some ways, the word doesn’t seem much different from envy, but for me, jealousy conjures up more of a possessive thought. I’m very jealous of people’s time – I want them to spend time with me and not others. In fact, one of the hardest adjustments I have when my friends get married and have kids is learning to share them with their husbands and children. I still want my time with them. I get jealous at work when I perceive that someone else is more liked than I am. Boy, now I’m starting to sound like a little rat!
But when I looked that word up, that’s exactly what I found. Not a little rat. But the possession factor: “a state of fear, suspicion or envy caused by a real or imagined threat or challenge to one’s possessive instincts. It may be provoked by rivalry…a zealous desire to preserve an existing situation or relationship.” Yep that’s me. Might as well have my picture plastered next to it.
And therein, I discovered, lies my own personal lesson on the love chapter. I’ve noticed lately – not proud about it, but it's true – how fearful I am in loving others. I hate rejection (who really likes it?) and I really am fearful always of people leaving. And not being a fan of change, every time a relationship does take a turn of some sort, I absolutely cringe, imagining – knowing – that it’s over. That I wasn’t enough to keep that person around.
I’m red in the face even admitting how many two year olds I’ve been jealous of, because I felt like I needed to compete with them for the attention of their moms who were MY FRIENDS FIRST. There has to be therapy for this sort of thing.
I can see how the jealousy issue can ruin friendships and cause them to be anti-loving. Where love should be is suspicion and speculation and contemplation and analyzing and worrying and fear. Which brings me to the verse God reminded me of this afternoon: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18)
For me, anyway, a jealousy-free love of my friends is a fear-free love. If I loved without envy (jealousy), I would love freely. I would love with much more abandon and much more joy. I would have more time to devote to drinking in the beauty of my friendships if I weren’t so busy calculating moves and motives that probably don’t even exist.
So I don't know if any of this was the actual reason that little phrase exists in the Bible. But for me, today, it's what it has meant.
But I decided to stick with the thought, because I figured God had something in there just for me. Something I needed to learn.
I turned my thoughts more toward jealousy. In some ways, the word doesn’t seem much different from envy, but for me, jealousy conjures up more of a possessive thought. I’m very jealous of people’s time – I want them to spend time with me and not others. In fact, one of the hardest adjustments I have when my friends get married and have kids is learning to share them with their husbands and children. I still want my time with them. I get jealous at work when I perceive that someone else is more liked than I am. Boy, now I’m starting to sound like a little rat!
But when I looked that word up, that’s exactly what I found. Not a little rat. But the possession factor: “a state of fear, suspicion or envy caused by a real or imagined threat or challenge to one’s possessive instincts. It may be provoked by rivalry…a zealous desire to preserve an existing situation or relationship.” Yep that’s me. Might as well have my picture plastered next to it.
And therein, I discovered, lies my own personal lesson on the love chapter. I’ve noticed lately – not proud about it, but it's true – how fearful I am in loving others. I hate rejection (who really likes it?) and I really am fearful always of people leaving. And not being a fan of change, every time a relationship does take a turn of some sort, I absolutely cringe, imagining – knowing – that it’s over. That I wasn’t enough to keep that person around.
I’m red in the face even admitting how many two year olds I’ve been jealous of, because I felt like I needed to compete with them for the attention of their moms who were MY FRIENDS FIRST. There has to be therapy for this sort of thing.
I can see how the jealousy issue can ruin friendships and cause them to be anti-loving. Where love should be is suspicion and speculation and contemplation and analyzing and worrying and fear. Which brings me to the verse God reminded me of this afternoon: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18)
For me, anyway, a jealousy-free love of my friends is a fear-free love. If I loved without envy (jealousy), I would love freely. I would love with much more abandon and much more joy. I would have more time to devote to drinking in the beauty of my friendships if I weren’t so busy calculating moves and motives that probably don’t even exist.
So I don't know if any of this was the actual reason that little phrase exists in the Bible. But for me, today, it's what it has meant.
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