Bits for Sunday, September 13, 2009

Yesterday I went clothes shopping. It’s truly not my favorite thing to do. But I have a couple of concerts coming up, and I needed new options. I said that to my Dad a while back, and he said, “Why does it matter? They haven’t seen your clothes anyway.”

Dad’s a guy. I expect as much.

Then I said the same thing to Mom and she said, “Why do you need new clothes? They haven’t seen what you have now.”

MOM!!!!!!!

So I went in search of concert clothing. And sales. And new black work pants that do NOT double as a magnet for cat hair.

I went shopping in Kokomo, which still has some of my favorite stores. My first stop was Fashion Bug. I love Fashion Bug. And the Marion one closed…leaving me crippled in clothing choices. But yesterday was my lucky day. Armed with a coupon, I strolled into Fashion Bug…

…just in time for their annual fashion show. Bored-looking dads and boyfriends loitered beside the main aisle while doting moms and understanding friends stood poised with cameras. A line of girls cluttered up the cash register area while the store manager announced what they were wearing. They pranced down the main aisle and scurried back into the dressing rooms (all of them occupied with this thing) for a wardrobe change. Shoppers were encouraged to applaud and asked to keep the aisles clear.

Are you KIDDING me? I drove over here to shop and I have to keep the aisle clear so Kokomo’s Next Top Model contestants can parade through the path? No worries. I can shop on the side aisles.

Except there was a tiny problem.

Everything was marked plus size. I thought perhaps they’d swapped the sides of the store. Always before, I shopped on the left side of the store. But if I’ve learned anything from Wal Mart, it’s that change is good, so why wouldn’t my stuff be on the right side of the store now? So I slid across the aisle, carefully watching the models-to-be so as not to clutter their path, and again…all the signs said plus.

WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?

That’s when I learned they’re all mixed in together. 6 to 30 all in a row. No problem. I can handle that. Takes some adjustment, but I can do it. And I had plenty of time because they were only on the first round of the latest and greatest fashion over there on the runway.

About that time, I got the phone call that my friend Kari was home and ready for me to come over for our belated birthday fest. I scrambled to get out of the store between rounds one and two, and I went back a few hours later, after an afternoon of birthday fun. I went in prepared this time…prepared and in search of concert clothing and black pants.

And that is when life got comical.

I found a whole row of black pants. The tags had yellow squares, red triangles, or blue circles. I vaguely remembered reading about the “new line” of clothing, so I thought it might be worth checking out. The sign said yellow was straight, red was slightly curvy, and blue was ultra curvy. I picked red. Then I started looking at sizes. They went from one to eight. Seriously!? One to eight? Why odd numbers? Why stop at eight?

I finally concluded this must be their own sizing system, and I set about to find some comparison chart that would tell me what I really am. What I found were instructions to take a measuring tape and measure my waist. Okay, well first of all, how did I manage to forget to take my measuring tape shopping with me? (Insert eyeroll here.) And secondly, I go to great lengths to NOT know any measurements about myself, so how should I know?

There was a chart that gave waist measurements in comparison to this mysterious sizing thing, so I picked three sizes that I thought might be close and headed to the fitting room.

I took the first pair off the hanger and blasted a huge laugh right out loud there in the fitting room. You ever notice how stores fold in the waists of pants and skirts to make them all look like a size six from the hanger? Well this one unfolded…and unfolded…and unfolded. That thing was like the “before” pair of pants from a weight loss picture. I just stood there, cracking up and not even caring what the lady down the way thought, because she was on her cell phone, and I already thought she was weird.

Out of sheer curiosity, I came home and measured my waist. I’d guessed NINE INCHES too big.

Woops!

After consulting the Fashion Bug website, I learned that this particular line of clothing is all plus size clothing. That might explain my troubles. And wouldn’t you know – that is the ONE rack of clothing that did not say plus. Sigh. Come on, Fashion Bug! Meet me halfway!

I did, however, find pants that I hope will be non-magnetic for cat hair. And a very cute shirt for one of the concerts. Sweet.