My Little Adventure

I haven't talked about this too terribly much here on the blog or on the podcast, but I've been on a bit of an adventure for the last couple of months: a clean eating/intense exercise adventure.

Quick background: I've struggled with my weight all my life. While I've never been particularly obese, I've also never been thin, except for one time in my childhood when I spent a summer swimming at the neighbor's pool and one time in my adulthood after my boyfriend broke up with me.

I declared, after the breakup weight loss, that I would NOT gain it back. And truly, for several years, I held pretty steady. But then I started working at the radio station and the combination of two hours in the car every day, inconsistent workouts, and the stunning amount of snack foods circulating through the break room meant that slowly pounds reappeared.

And then I got married. And we liked to eat out and have dates and treats. And Ryan, of course, gained nothing. I, on the other hand, began getting quite fluffy.

So toward the end of last year, Ryan and I knew something had to change. He wasn't upset with me or repulsed by me or anything of the sort, but he did hate it that I had not only ZERO self-confidence, but actually NEGATIVE self-confidence. He was eager for me to try something - anything - that would help me get on a healthy track for not just my body, but my mental well-being.

One of my Facebook friends, who at that point was more of an acquaintance than a deep-friendship-level friend, had been posting for several weeks about her experience with the BeachBody program. Initially I hadn't paid much attention, because I figured the name alone disqualified me. LOL! But her posts were so sincere and I could tell that her journey to lose post-pregnancy weight was much more than just "getting skinny" for her. It was revolutionizing her mind, her heart, and even her family.

Sarah was actually a runner in the 5K that Ryan and I ran last October, and we talked for a bit at the race that day. And with much embarrassment, about a month later, I sent her a hem-hawing email, asking if we, you know, could maybe, I don't know, talk about this program.

I wanted to cry a little bit when she wrote back, because she was completely non-judgmental, entirely encouraging, and obviously eager to help me in any way she could. And one day later I signed up for this program called the 21 Day Fix.

Committing to this was something I had to just close my eyes and DO, because I knew if I thought about it too much, I would find a thousand reasons why it was a bad idea, an impossible feat, etc.

November 30th, 2015, TWO DAYS before our third anniversary, I stood in our dining room, mortified out of my HEAD as Ryan snapped my before pictures and took measurements of body parts I've never measured in my life. And then I covered my eyes and stepped on the bathroom scales we borrowed from my parents, and he wrote down that awful number. Not the heaviest I'd ever been in life - not by quite a few pounds, actually. But the heaviest I'd ever been in our marriage. Humbling doesn't begin to cover it.

And then he went to work and I sat with my dozen papers and portion control containers and stared at the workout DVDs and wondered what in the world I'd just gotten myself into.

For three weeks I counted out food groups and stumbled through workouts and longed for Blizzards and chocolate cake. I timidly took sweaty selfies and posted them to the online accountability group and bravely checked in with how I'd done in workouts and nutrition that day. I emailed Sarah to ask her exactly how one survives PMS without unlimited reserves of chocolate. I took my own food to family dinners and passed up delicious treats at parties. And sometimes I flat out passed up the parties entirely, because I knew sitting in close proximity to chocolate just wasn't safe.

{If you didn't catch it, my 21 days fell in the first twenty days OF DECEMBER. The heart of Christmas season. What. Did. I. DO????}

At the end of 21 days, I climbed on the re-borrowed scales and covered my eyes again. What if I hadn't lost? What if I had {gasp} GAINED??

At the end of 21 days, which included our anniversary, a birthday party, the first family Christmas and three weeks of straight up holidays, I had lost seven pounds. Seven pounds! I was thrilled!

I immediately committed to a second round of the Fix, but it wouldn't start until January 4. The two weeks in between carried a host of Christmas celebrations, New Year's Eve, meetings with friends...whew! Determined not to undo what I had done, I continued the daily workouts and stayed as close to the eating plan as I could while still allowing myself to enjoy a measure of Christmas.

When January 4th rolled around, I covered my eyes again, and Ryan looked at the number on the scales. Down 1.6 more pounds. {I told him that really equaled five, because we all know everybody gains at least three pounds over Christmas, and if I not only DIDN'T gain, but in fact, LOST, it was like pound credit! He didn't understand that, but if you're a girl,  I bet you will!!}

Today I weigh in for the end of my second round, so tomorrow I'll tell you how I fared. To be honest, I'm scared!! I told Ryan I can tell I've built a lot more muscle during this second round, so I'm freaked out that the scales will not show a loss because of that.

I tell you all of this not for back-patting, but to tell you that this for me {for us} is not a diet. It's a lifestyle change. It's about being consistent with workouts and watching portion control and not having dessert portions {multiple times a day} that exceed my real food portions.

While it's about much more than pounds lost, I have more pounds to lose, and will do more rounds of this program until I reach a good and healthy weight for me. After that, sure I can have a few treats and such. But I am also learning to retrain my mind to crave things that are better for me. Healthier for me. And I can tell it's working. I'm starting to see tone and muscle in places I never have before, and I won't lie - it's exciting!

I also won't lie that I still regularly crave Blizzards and burgers and pizza. But the intensity to which I believe I must have them or I will DIE is lessening. Little victories, people. Little victories. {Case in point: last night, Ryan had some friends over to watch football, and this was what I sat next to the entire night - and I did not cheat. That's more than a little victory, my friends.}

That girl who loved herself and didn't hate what she saw in the mirror is coming back, and Ryan is seeing her for the first time. I love that most of all.