Worth the Wait?

I love it when my friends ask me questions that make me think. Seriously love it. And this week, this was the question sent my way:

If and when I finally get married, will I be able to say "he was absolutely worth the wait?" I know what people mean when they say that, but I don't know if it's completely true, or at least if it will be for me. Yes, I can absolutely say that my spiritual life is miles beyond what it would have been if I hadn't had to walk this journey. So in that sense, of course it's worth it. But will I ever be able to say that I don't wish things would have been different and I don't wish I had met him ten years earlier so I could have loved him ten years longer? I don't know if I will ever get to the point where I feel it was worth all the missed experiences we didn't get together. I would love your thoughts on it...

No one has ever asked me this before, and I loved thinking it over. I'm not sure my answer is universal, but it is the truth of my heart, so I thought I'd share it with you today.

I fully expected I would get married right after college, and I was 21 when I graduated from college. I think back to the girl I was at 21, and I was kind of a mess. I had no idea {still!} who I really was, and for as strong as my foundations were, my personal foundations needed some serious stabilizing. I believe 100% if I got married {to anyone!} at that age, I could have ended up having a very happy marriage, but I also believe there would have been a lot of hurdles and obstacles between the wedding and truly happy, simply because of who I was at that tender age. And honestly, I fear I might not have enjoyed marriage in general as much as I did from the start of my married-at-34 story.

Ryan has told me a bit about who he was at 21, and while he was still very much a good, loving, godly man, he has been transparent to me about his rough edges. I fear had we met and married at that time, we would have endured a lot of head-butting that we have not had to contend with by getting married as older, more mature versions of ourselves.

So that's the first part of my answer. It was - for us - worth waiting because the more grown-up versions of who we are are so much better than the 21 year old versions of who we were.

BUT.

For me, the girl who ached to get married, singleness was so hard. And I would be lying if I said there hasn't been a bit of a grief process in letting go of dreams for milestones and moments that we are unlikely to ever know because we got married "so late" in life.

For example, I have always wanted to hit the 50 year mark in marriage. And we still could. But we'll be in our mid-80's, so the chances of us being able to enjoy that milestone to the fullest that I once dreamed I would are slim. Who knows!? We could be that spunky old couple that charges ahead right on into our 80's. But we could be the cranky old TV-watching couple, too! Either way - our 50th is not as much of a "sure thing" as I thought it would be dreaming as a teenager. And for me, that is a very real grief I've had to come to terms with.

While this isn't something we long for, those who marry later and desire to give birth to biological kids have to mourn the loss {or potential loss} of that dream. Sure, they could still have kids and be older moms. Sure, they could adopt. But the typical motherhood dream they always had must be grieved when they get "so far" past the age they always thought they would be when they got married.

I talked about all this with Ryan, and I told him in some ways I feel like it could be approached in a similar way to any other lost dream: a child who died or a spouse who died or left home. There are things that will just never be. Dreams left unrealized.

And that is what I love about God's love stories. They are redemption. Ryan and I have losses suffered prior to meeting each other, and those things make us who we are. We have had to grieve the losses that never can be, both with the lives we thought we would have and even the losses that never can be within our own story {see aforementioned golden anniversary adventures}.

But overriding the loss is God's great redemption. A love story that IS worth the wait but in no way takes away from the pain of the pre-wait. Those years mattered. Those years hurt and wounded. Those years grew me and shaped me, for sure. I am richer for them. But they still hurt. And that hurt needs to be recognized. It doesn't need to be pushed away or discounted just because the end result is as wonderful as it is.

I think we have this need to sweep under the rug anything the preceded the beautiful end to any part of a story. And I don't think that's the right thing to do. I think our whole stories deserve to be given their place. Some have a place of grief and some have a place of joy, but they all have a place. I think we need to recognize where we came from, what we went through, what we lost, what can never be - and allow ourselves to experience all the emotions that go along with them. And certainly we need to give the joy of a beautiful ending its rightful place too, and Ryan and I do just that.

Yes, Ryan was "worth the wait" as the cliche answer goes, but that wait was long and hard, and many times no fun at all. And it's okay to say and grieve that, too.