Fear Not Tomorrow

When I opened Streams in the Desert on January 1, I read the following verses from Deuteronomy 11:

But the land you are crossing the Jordan to take possession of is a land of mountains and valleys that drinks rain from heaven. It is a land the Lord your God cares for; the eyes of the Lord your God are continually on it from the beginning of the year to its end. (vv. 11-12)

I had no idea. Not about the mountains of joy I would experience in falling in love...in publishing a book...in hearing the whisper of my Abba. Not about the valleys of failure...defeat...faithlessness...despair...that I would walk through in my desert days. But as I stand on the last day of a year, I can say with absolute certainty that the eyes of my Lord have not strayed from my path from January 1 until today. He has put up with me, comforted me, loved me, blessed me, disciplined me, carried me, prodded me to walk on my own, wiped away my tears, laughed with me, and never once has He looked away. Even when I accused Him of doing just that.

This year has been so full. My heart overflows with emotions I can't even describe as I think about what I endured, what I overcame, what I enjoyed, and even what I avoided.

In many ways, I hope this next year is "better." I say that completely selfishly. I would love to see prayers answered favorably to my asking. But I've seen enough of His hand at work this year to know that truly, what I want, is more of HIS work and more of HIS will. And if that means more valleys...or rather, since it will mean more valleys...I know that's what I truly want at the core.

I love endings and fresh beginnings. And we're about to get one at midnight tonight.

I leave you this year with a song that I listened to over and over this year. I love its message and I'm honored to say that I can call the song's writer my friend. The main portion of the song was written by a sweet lady named Carolyn Adkins, and she has been such an encouragement to me this year. My dad has played this song on his radio program for years, but this year it gained special meaning to me, and I leave you with this as my anthem:

See...I Did Too Learn!!

Over the month of December, I had a few posts in which I looked back at the early months to see what I blogged about - to see what, from the vantage point of a few months later, God did in my life.



One thing that amused me was the choice of a devotional book. You know I read Streams in the Desert this year. I picked that book because I happened to have several copies I'd purchased on clearance, and it seemed a logical choice. I had absolutely no idea it was much more a divine choice than a logical choice.



But I told myself, as we approached the end of the year, I needed to be selective about next year's devo book. I determined to find the happiest, cheeriest, most uplifting possible book in an attempt to set the course of a new year!



Of course I say that in joking. I want to choose the book GOD wants me to read. It would be great if the book He chose just so happened to be cheery and uplifting, but whatever He wanted!



Earlier this month, I went Christmas shopping with my mom, and we ended up at a little Christian bookstore in Kokomo. I perused the devotional shelf, which really didn't have many choices on it. I picked up one MASSIVE book (y'all, I'm not kidding...it has over 1000 pages!) called Sparkling Gems from the Greek.



I didn't buy the book...but it stuck in my mind. A few days later, I told one of my work buddies about it. (She, incidentally, also read Streams this year!) She loved the idea of the book and now we're going to be devo buddies for a second year.
This book has a word study for every day of the year and I know some of you are saying snoozer!!!! right now, but I'm really excited about it. It appears to be really easy to understand and I think it will be great for me to learn and grow in the Word in a new way!
So...after tomorrow, you're home free from hearing about Streams for a while. But get ready! You're about to hear some GREEK!

Wilderness Wednesdays Conclude

Today is the last Wilderness Wednesday post. God prompted me in the summer to write about the wilderness journey, and I did so. And now He's prompting me to stop. There are dozens - even hundreds - of little "God things" that you won't get to read about (at least in this forum) that continued to happen along the journey, but I think this is a fitting stopping point. What I share with you today happened at the conclusion of the fourth month of knowing Isaac. And it encompasses a tangible (told you I like the tangible!) moment when God held my soul. I love it.

This particular day was a Saturday in June. The one Saturday this year when I had to work...because it was a registration day. About lunch time, I sneaked into my office and checked Isaac's blog. He hadn't updated in days. But that day, he wrote about friends of his who had lost a baby. My heart broke for them...for him. And heartbreak immediately gave way to anger - almost rage.

This was the second time in a month he'd blogged about going through a difficulty that I'd already walked through in my life. WHY didn't he want me there to walk the road with him? Why was God being so cruel? I sat in my office and sobbed for the rest of the work day. My co-workers took over for me and didn't ask me to meet with another student the rest of the day.

The work day concluded and I declared I could not go home. To face my house would be too daunting, even though I had mostly worked past the days of feeling suffocated by my own home. Retail therapy sounded good, so after a stern self-lecture about the day’s shopping allowance, I went to the gas station, fueled the car, treated myself to a 44 ounce iced tea, and headed out of town for some shopping.

The shopping was a failure, mostly because I really wasn't in the mood for it as much as I thought. But while I was in the city, I went to see a friend of mine. It was an abnormally hot and humid summer day and upon entering his apartment, I learned his air conditioning did not work. Lovely.

We sat on opposite ends of his couch and watched Rush Hour on TV. About halfway through the movie, for no apparent reason, a new meltdown surfaced and spilled over. Not only was it an inexplicable cry, it wasn’t pretty. Giant tears didn’t just roll…they projected. Snot ran everywhere. Hiccupping and gasping began. I was used to such displays in my desert. He just looked over from his end of the couch with wide eyes…what in the world!?

He reached for me, but I waved him away. I gasped, “I’m…okay….it will…will…pass.” He shook his head, scooted down the long couch, and scooped me up in his arms. I pushed away again, but he grabbed me tightly and began rocking me softly back and forth – just like he would rock a baby.

I wailed. I’m sure the people outside, in the parking lot, just beyond the open screen door wondered what was happening. He wisely didn’t admonish me to pipe down for their benefit. I wiped away snot and tears while hiccupping and shaking ferociously. Each time I tried to push back from him, he just pulled me closer and rocked. He never said a word. Just kept his arms around me and rocked me.

When the wailing gave way to just the occasional gasp and shudder, he finally allowed me to sit back. In the sweltering apartment, we were both drenched with sweat and tears, and I mentally chided myself for not bringing the box of Kleenex with me. (And trust me – if there was a box of that to be found in his apartment, it would take an earth mover, and there was no time. Thank goodness for sleeves.)

When I could talk again, he looked me in the eye and said, “Tell me what’s wrong.” I cringed. He didn’t want to know. That’s thirteen kinds of rude. I said, “I am not sure you want to hear this.” He grasped my arms and looked right at me. “Tell me.”

So I did. The whole story tumbled out in a somewhat incoherent fashion, and never once did he even wince as I declared my love for Isaac and expressed my confusion, hurt, and loss over his absence in my life.

He never did say a word. I didn’t realize that until hours later. He never offered a piece of advice. He never said a disparaging remark. He never made a move. He didn’t even wipe away the tears or the sweat (which by that point were so co-mingled, they were impossible to distinguish).

That day, great healing took place in simply being held. In being allowed to cry. In being unadvised. In just being.

The next day I opened my freezer door to get some ice for my tea and glanced at the pictures secured to the front with random coffee magnets. I see those pictures dozens of times a day and had stopped actually seeing them. But that day I did see.

One picture is a close-up of a small granite heart etched with the words, “This is what it means to be held.” I had it made about ten months earlier to be placed on my nephew’s grave on his 21st birthday. He was stillborn when I was ten, and on that significant birthday, I wanted to leave something to remind anyone who might pass by his marker that despite great grief – God holds His children. Kirk’s death was one of the first times I experienced God holding me in a real way.

And as I dipped ice into my glass and looked at the picture on the freezer door, I knew that what I’d experienced the day before was God’s powerful arms holding me. He sent an instrument of mercy to my aid. That is what it means to be held.

Worth More Than Rubies

Remember Proverbs 31?

The chapter every woman finds daunting?

Five years ago almost to the day, I started studying Elizabeth George's book Beautiful in God's Eyes. I really respect Elizabeth's approach to life, the accuracy of her studies, and just her writing in general. And this book was life-changing for me as it made the whole idea of being a Proverbs 31 woman...attainable.

One thing that had always bothered me (am I allowed to say that about Scripture?) about this chapter was verse 10, where it says "She is worth far more than rubies." Why rubies? Why not diamonds?

Elizabeth explained:

"The rich red ruby is truly a unique gem, and because of their rarity, large rubies even surpass diamonds of equal weight in value!...Each of these sparkling jewels is quite rare and valuable. Each is hard to harvest and few are found. And that's the imagery our young prince's mother uses to impress upon him how extraordinary a woman who is beautiful - in God's eyes - would be. Once found, she would be of inestimable value!" (pp 22-23)

I so loved that explanation that I determined to buy a ruby ring to wear on my wedding ring finger - to remind me of who I already am in God's eyes and what I hope Mr. Missing will someday see in me.

As I began to research rings, I found their price and my budget did not match. But because God is good and cares about things like ruby rings, I found one I could afford, and I purchased it. I wore it until a year ago when the ruby fell out while I was on vacation and I didn't know it...until much too late to try to find it.

And ever since, I have been without my ruby ring.

This year, as I dated Isaac and as he saw my heart and chose to value it, I began to believe in a new way that I really did have worth, not just to God, but to someone who would love me. And when our relationship ended, even though Isaac specifically said to me "You have nothing to regret - you were the Proverbs 31 woman to me," I couldn't believe it. If I really had been that woman, he would have wanted to stay. Because he was able to walk away, I felt I had failed in being of "inestimable value" as Elizabeth said.

As things often do, it got worse before it got better. Not too many weeks after Isaac and I separated, I found myself in a conversation with another person who had somehow managed to capture my attention. As he and I had the "defining" conversation and he told me he was choosing to pursue someone else, he said to me that the person he was choosing was "too amazing." He also looked me straight in the eye and said, "You're amazing, too. You need to know that."

And I looked right back at him and said, "When someone says about me what you just said about her, I'll believe it. Amazing keeps her man. I lost mine."

Despite the 2.5 heartbreaks I had in 3 straight months, God has been working gently and softly beneath the surface of the heart shards. And He has been pushing me to revisit the ruby ring. I'm one of those girls who does better with the tangible. Seeing a ring on my finger is a constant reminder to trust who God says I am over who any person does or does not say I am.

And so, with the Christmas gift I received at work:

I have a replacement!

Everything - down to the very day this ring was delivered - has been so wrapped up in God's orchestration. It's unbelievable.

So I'm headed into 2011 with my new ring - acutely aware that HE finds me valuable. And that, my sweet friends, is growth.

What Are You Doing With Your Gift?

I told you last week that I was in the church Christmas play. (Sans the aloha shorts.)

The play was yesterday and went immeasurably better than rehearsal. Paula (who was in charge of the whole thing) said to me after it was over, "You were so much more relaxed!!! Was it the mic that helped?" Oddly enough, it was. All during rehearsal, all I heard was "We can't hear you!" Must be my soft little voice. HA! Anyway. Since I was in all five scenes, they let me wear the "Britney Spears mic" - and knowing I didn't have to worry about volume was HUGE.

Thought you might like to see the day!

This is me mentally rehearsing lines - yes DURING church.

The theme of the play was what are you doing with your gift? I was the person who moved among all the scenes, seeing what people had decided to do with their gifts. Stop one: my brother's house to see my mysteriously unsupervised nephews. They were playing with their toys - but they'd not opened their gift because it looked like too much work.

After I left their house, I went on to scene two...the return counter at Meijer, apparently. (That's where the bags were from.) There I ran into Lisa and Ann, who were returning their gifts because they just didn't work for them.

From there, I stopped by work. I'm a supervisor. (Pausing here for your laughter...)

My two smarty-pants employees were hiding their gifts under the desk so they didn't get in the way of their own agendas. (These two guys were stinking HILARIOUS!!! Hard to keep a straight face!)

And finally - to round out the day - a football party!!!

In between much football jargon (which I did not understand, but look at me fitting in!!!) we managed to discover that these guys put their gifts in the closet and they'd get them out on a need-to-use basis.

The concluding scene...check out the mic! :) I went home to journal before bed. I do not always look so pained when I journal.

Nor do I always look so loopy. Seriously Bekah!?!?!?!?!?

The point of the journaling (which I did without a pen because they forgot to leave me one! LOL!!) was to tie the previous scenes together. Loved it.

It wasn't as scary as I thought it might be. And the mic stayed on until right after this scene, when it fell off in my lap. WOOPS!

It's Christmas!!

It isn't Christmas without the traditional post of what we did...right?

We normally go to my parents' house for Christmas, so that's where the festivities took place this year. (I took macaroni and cheese. I know you wanted to know.) Lori, Jeff, and Cassie couldn't come home, so we were a few people short.

Julie and me...sisters!!

I was SO excited about this present. The only Colts gear I own is Super Bowl related, and since I'm trying to be a "real" football fan, I thought I needed a shirt to back it up. I'm EXTRA excited to have this since I needed it for the Christmas play at church today. Whew!

My sister, Lori, as you know, is from Greensburg, Kansas. They finally have enough stores rebuilt in their town post-tornado that she was able to do all her shopping in town. She was so excited! So this was one of my gifts. A super-cool (super chunky! Love it!) bracelet from Greensburg.

We all got Greensburg T-shirts, too. This one is Julie's....

And this one is mine! We can be TWINS!!!!! (You know, if I were tan like she is...)

Dad was excited about his Greensburg tornado book. We learned a few years ago that if you're going to give Dad a book, you should give it to him late in the gift game. Once he gets a book, he gets engrossed in it right away and then you've lost him.

Another Greensburg gift...garden flags for all of us! Mom thought this one was extra perfect for me, and I agree. I love all things homemade - including happiness! :)

Julie cracked up over this sign. It says "No husband has ever been shot while doing the laundry." Good work, Lori. Winner!!!

I gave several signs this year. I thought after all the home improvement projects I've asked Dad to do...this was only appropriate....

Julie opened her sign from me, which says "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you." She laughed and laughed until she saw that TOM had a sign too. Then she got nervous. His says, "I"m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?" Ohhh do I know these two or what!??!"

Praise the Lord. This represents five extra minutes of sleep every morning.

Dad was digging (literally) into his new razor. I thought he was going to maim himself. It could happen, folks. When I was little, he dropped a chain saw on his hand while cutting down a tree.

My brother-in-law, Tom. AVID golfer. Happy golfer now!! :)

A new Mary Poppins bag para mi. And it's PURPLE. Yes please!!!

The official fambily photo. (Fambily is what we call family. It's not a typo.)

Me and the parentals. The parentals and me? Whatever. I have a free day from grammar.

There you have it!!!! A Freelan Christmas! It was a great day. LOVED my presents. Loved the food. Loved the fam.

And now I'll have to love me some EXERCISE!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas!!

Dear Bits Readers...


Merry Christmas!!


Matthew 7:11 says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"


Today is a day to celebrate a great and precious gift God gave to the whole world hundreds of years ago...in the birth of His Son.


But oh goodness...He hasn't stopped giving. He still arrives to us every day, bringing with Him gift He wouldn't have to give. Gifts we (more often than not) don't deserve. But He gives because it delights Him to see our smiles. It brings Him joy to watch our hearts overflow with pleasure.


I am so thankful for the gifts He has piled on this girl this year.


* He gave me freedom in exchange for a heart that had always been enslaved by fear.


* He gave me the opportunity to be loved, if even for a small season. It is not lost to me that some people go through years...even entire lifetimes...without knowing they're loved. I'm grateful to have experienced it.


* He gave me not one, not two, but three chances to take a vacation where I could create memories, celebrate with friends, and find healing for a wounded heart. (Best of all...a large portion of all three vacations were free!)


* He raised up friends and prayer warriors to carry me through the darkest months of my life. They hugged me, cried with me, drove many miles just to sit with me, lifted me before the Father when I could not pray for myself, encouraged me when I felt I might die, dragged me out of my house when I didn't have the strength, and even brought me food because I could not bring myself to arrange for my own meals some days.


* He kept me healthy when my eating/sleeping habits were so bad that I should have been sick. And even in the months of being unable to eat, He somehow kept me going physically.


* He preserved my job even in months when I was so broken I was incapable of doing it well. And in a world where so many struggle to find work, I do not take for granted the employment I have!


* He spoke to my heart in ways I've never experienced before, bringing me out of months of spiritual drought I'd been experiencing and affirming to me that I'm loved and worthy of His refining fire - even when it hurts.


* He blessed me with a dream come true in the publicaton of my book and has made that entire journey beautiful. I've loved hearing the way others have found His arrival in a new way through its words.


* He has given me great hope that although this was, in many ways, a year the locusts have eaten (with great lip-smacking, I might add), He will repay me in ways I cannot even imagine.


Oh yes. He still gives good gifts to His children.


And YOU are all a gift to me. Thank you for reading along with me this year. Thank you for praying for me. Loving me. Encouraging me. Leaving me comments to let me know you're there. (And Merry Christmas even to you lurkers. You're loved too.)


May He bring great joy to you today as you celebrate His birthday!!


Much Love....


Bekah

21 Years Ago...

My eleven-year-old dreams came true, and my sister had a baby GIRL.

Mom, Dad, and I had just walked in the door after church on Sunday morning when the phone rang (there were no cell phones in those days...at least for the commoners) and my brother-in-law told us they were at the hospital! It was baby day! So we scurried right on over to the hospital (missed lunch and everything!) to meet this cuteness:
(The cuteness in the pink hat, not the red dress.) Yes. I really looked like that.


In honor of Miss Cassie's 21st birthday, I thought I'd share some pictures from her early days. I took pictures of the pictures in my scrapbook, so the quality isn't superb. My apologies. (There are also some VERY comical shots of yours truly if you're in need of a laugh.)


My sleeping beauty.

Isn't she a cutie pie?

Playing at my other sister's apartment.

Evening wear...and a snack. Goodness, Lori, didn't you give her any food? ;) Just KIDDIN!

Concert by Cassie.

This is NOT the one I wanted to post. This is the one that I thought she'd still speak to me after seeing....

This was NOT sideways in the computer album. Why is it sideways on here? Anyway. This was in my room back in the day at my parents' house. She LOVED hanging out in my room. (And why wouldn't she!?!?)

ALSO not sideways in the computer. This was on my parents' porch. See the cat asleep in the swing? She loved our kitties.

This may be the worst picture of ALL of us (not to mention too blurry). Let's just walk through this left to right, okay? I was in a "poof my bangs as high as they would go" stage in an attempt to look like I was from a Janette Oke novel. (I'm not kidding.) The Native American necklace was a touristy souvenir I'd purchased on the visit to see Cassie. The rest of the outfit was just unfortunate. AND I was sick. Cassie was either sick, or tired, or both. Hence the slump. And LORI!! Those JEANS! Love em!!!!

This is not me. This is my OTHER sister, Julie. But she was about my age (okay she would have been a little younger than I am now) when this was taken. We kinda look alike don't we? Don't ask me why I remember this, but this was taken at a family dinner at my aunt's house. Mom took a crock pot of chicken and noodles to that dinner and my job was to keep an eye on it during the ride over. I failed to complete my task, the crock pot spilled, and I ended up wearing hot chicken and noodles on my feet (which were in canvas shoes). Can we say BURN!?!?!!?

Look - sideways again! RRR! Anyway. I love this picture of her. That's Julie again.

Seriously annoying with the sideways thing. Cassie - you started cooking early. :)

Her first steps (well...the steps were her Dad's, but you get the idea) into her home!!

Cassie and Jeff (my brother-in-law...also known as her dad) during a family lunch for a holiday. This is now my house. It looks very different. VERY different.

Look what's sideways again! This is Cassie hanging out in my room again. Please make a note of a forbidden cat inside the house.

This is probably how she's feeling right about now looking at all these pictures!

It's a What Not to Wear special!! (Me, not her. WHO LET ME OUT LOOKING LIKE THAT!?!?!!?) But love that little baby!!

Me and my girl. We were inseparable. (And the hairbrush had apparently not yet been invented.)

I remember this. We were doing an "ice skating" routine and this was our finale.

I miss print dresses. (okay maybe not.)

One of my favorites of her. Mom and I spent the night to take care of Cassie so Lori and Jeff could get away. I took the morning feeding. Yes, you read that right. MORNING.

I won't even say it. About the sideways thing. Won't mention it.

Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's. Which is now my house. And it sits right side up.

Reading with my girl.

Cassie, I am in complete denial that you are TWENTY ONE. It's mathematically impossible. But I know that I love you very much - and I'm SO GLAD you're my girl. You made my dreams come true by being the best niece ever. I miss you. I don't miss poofy bangs. I do miss you.

Hope you have the happiest of all the birthdays.

Hugs!