Wilderness Wednesday

What I'm about to share with you was a typical day in the wilderness. This is raw, honest heart coming at you. This is how I talked to God in those days.

Struggling, truthfully, to stay ‘silent’ in prayer today. How to step back and truly be able to stop with “You do it…” when I so desperately want to implore with tears. (Silent was my assignment from God at that time...)

Yet I believe You see the desire of my heart and arrogant as it sounds (I don’t mean for it to -) I believe You are pleased with me and desire to bless. YOU DO IT! ("You do it" was what God had spoken to my heart that I needed to pray when I felt the need TO implore with tears.)

That night was a particularly hard evening. I wrote, Oh how I’ve been struggling this evening. I can’t do this. I know this isn’t Satan attacking, but he is tempting. Or maybe You’re testing. I’m not sure. Either way, oh how I miss my love. The ache to be with him right now. He’s at a game with his dad. Makes me wonder if he even remembers we were going to go to a game. Sweet Jesus. I don’t want to be disrespectful toward Your way and plan. I don’t want to be rude. But it’s not fair. I just want my Isaac. I just want the answer. I don’t want to keep fighting and hurting. I don’t want HIM to keep fighting and hurting. I don’t understand why we have to go through this. Why can’t we just be enjoying our lives. I am sorry, Jesus. I don’t mean to be a disappointment. I just feel the need to be honest about my hurt. (On our last date together before his wilderness began, I told him I'd never been to a "real" ballgame before and he promised to take me to one. It was just hard to see that he got to fulfill the dreams we were going to do together.)

My heart is somewhat calmed, but still, I need You to reassure me. I know that I should be reminded by Mike getting a job today – when his unemployment ended last week – and Faith finding a house to make an offer on – when she needs to move right away…that You do provide – and often in the 11th hour. But it’s hard to believe.

I have been told over and over, as recently as today, even, that Your work in me is encouraging to others – and I’m glad. Yet I also kind of don’t care. I’m sorry, God! I know it’s horrible to say! But my heart hurts in such a way that today I’m less interested in being an inspiration and MORE interested in healing and redemption. I’m an epic failure.

I should have paid more attention to Streams today: “If a person allows it, he can find something at every turn of the road that will rob him of his victory and his peace of mind. Satan is far from retiring from his work of attempting to deceive and destroy God’s children.” Amen to THAT. How derailed in fear did I get today? It goes on: “God is still on His throne and He can turn defeat into victory in a split second if we will only trust Him."

Father, I do not understand this trial – and today I DO NOT LIKE IT EVEN. Oh Jesus. Help me to have the strength to submit to Your refining fire.

You are able to accomplish that which concerns me. You are able to do abundantly more than all I can ask or imagine. Settle it upon my heart, Father. Help me. Oh God. Seriously help me.

I got Beth Moore’s book back out again and the next chapter said these things: “Was it worth it? Was it worth not just accepting the…status quo but believing God for a better way? A healthier way? Was it worth being misunderstood?...Sometimes the biggest favor you could ever do for your loved ones is the hardest….Cooperating with God through painful relationship transitions may be the hardest work of all in our deliverance from the pit. Persevere with Him and trust Him – not just with your life, but also with their lives…Just as you waited upon God for your own deliverance, wait upon Him for theirs.” Help.

That paragraph would come to mean even more to me weeks down the road…when others began to encourage me to accept the status quo. When others misunderstood my deep desire to stay faithful to the Lord. And waiting for deliverance…well…it was excruciating.