Wilderness Wednesday

The next morning I was in trouble before I even got out of bed. It was the first of the four red-shirt registration days and I was not at all motivated to go to work. I wasn’t sure how I could work like I needed to when I felt so depleted.

Before I even got out of bed, I wrote: My faith feels shaky this morning. Are You here? Can You hold me? I ache for Isaac to hear what I’ve heard – both for his own deliverance and for the sake of my faith. Sweet Father. I need You now, more than ever to help me – to sustain me – through this part of the journey. Don’t let me down. Please come through for me in a mighty way. Please help. I am weak. I need Your strength.
And at lunch, I had to write again. I feel so alone. So unsure of what You’re doing or if You will come to my rescue. I’m sorry my faith is SO WEAK. I believe – help Thou my unbelief. Oh Jesus. I long for my Isaac. Long for his love. Will he ever love me again? I know You said he will…but Jesus, I’m struggling. I feel like my faith is actually worse now than it was when I was being attacked by Satan. I don’t want the attack again, but Oh Jesus – how can I find faith for this part of the desert?

After work, I was exhausted, and I retreated with my journal. Oh man. We got through another day. My own heart is numb now and it scares me. I don’t like silence. I don’t like NOT knowing what’s going on with him. I don’t’ like wondering if he’s cheating on me. (Clarification...he was not. But my mind ran wild with a thousand thoughts during those days of silence and I thought he surely must be.) I don’t like wondering if I have what it takes to be faithful. I don’t like wondering if I’m a fool. I don’t like the massive ache.

The blind, raw trust feels like apathy and I despise apathy. I want to be passionate. And I can’t when I feel so rejected.

Streams brings me back to Psalm 37 again: “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.” Oh God. Find me faithful. Find me faithful. You do it. You do it.
Streams also says, “It’s all that ‘supposing’ that’s making you so miserable. You’d better give that up and simply trust the Lord.” Oh Jesus. It’s the SIMPLY part that I complicate.
Okay Jesus. Transparency.

I love Isaac. I didn’t expect to. I expected the setup to be an epic fail, as all other setups have been for me. I committed the thing to You from the start – told You I was tired of pursuing and if this is not Your plan – send him to me. And if it’s not, stop it before it starts. And You sent him. And with every sentence, I found a beautiful and unexpected love growing from deep within. Nothing scared me. You placed in me the ability to love and trust him with an abandon I’ve NEVER experienced before.

You took my Isaac away and I don’t understand why. He won’t pursue me and it hurts my heart. You’ve asked me to be quiet and I don’t want to. What do You have up Your sleeve? I’m curious and yet exhausted.

I want to love him. Oh God. You have broken my heart. Help me.