Tug of War

I've taken a few days off writing about the desert, so I could share with you about my class reunion weekend. To be honest, I wasn't sure I could come back to desert writing for a while, because in those off-topic days, I had a phone conversation with Isaac in which I had to face anew the reality that this journey has ended. In that conversation, I asked him how I am supposed to make sense of some of the very specific things I heard God say to me during the desert months, when those things unquestionably concerned him alone.

Because of that question, I wasn't sure I could come back to writing about the desert just now. But perhaps, more than ever, this is when I need to write about it. Perhaps determining to find God's hand still active in my walk is what I need to do. So I make no promises about this next batch of posts...they may be very flounder-y, but I hope I'll learn as I write.

I told you last week that back in May, I went through a time of intense spiritual battle. It was something I didn't understand at all. I'd never experienced it before, and in all my times of study, I'd also never really researched it. But it certainly felt like a tug of war. Satan would throw at me all the heartache...and God would remind me of all the promises...and I'd vacillate between the two, completely torn.

For example...this was in my journal...

This morning, You reminded me the dreams we dreamed together are not dead, but simply deferred. Keep me faithful to remember them and hope in them. And uphold my precious Isaac today. Carry him through this leg of the journey. Comfort him, teach him, open his ears to listen and discern, instill in him a love for You and a desire for me. Be big in our story. Be glorified and magnified.

I look at that prayer today and wonder how God used it. (Or perhaps is using it.) I can only assume that God did, in fact, uphold, carry, comfort, and teach Isaac in that time. And I can only continue to pray that as the current days of my own life unfold, God will be glorified and magnified through the time we shared. It's not the way I thought it would be. It's not the way I hoped it would be. But even in my disappointment and ache, I still choose to trust God to be big through the reality that we did have a story.

People, at this point, were somewhat curious about what was going on with me. They knew something wasn't right, but they didn't know what, exactly, was wrong. One day I received a message from Jody (sidebar blog link), and I sent her an email briefly summarizing my desert.
She wrote back a sweet message, including a reminder of the words of Ephesians 3:20. I looked it up and found this whole section to be yet another way I wanted to pray specifically for Isaac.

I remember YEARS ago, You gave me Ephesians as my marriage book and now twice this week You have prompted me to pray from it. Starting in 3:16 – “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of Christ. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever! Amen!"

Precious Holy Father, I pour out those words as a prayer over my sweet Isaac. Gracious Lover of our souls….strengthen my Isaac. Rise up around him and strengthen his soul. Make a beautiful picture of grace out of the hurt and brokenness he feels. Root him deep in You and establish in him a love for me. Inundate him with You as you have been doing with me. Fill his heart full of You and strengthen him to love me.

Your plan is more than I could ever dream. Blow my mind. Work in us and restore us in a beautiful way, my precious Jesus.

God's plan is still more than I can ever dream. He can still do abundantly more than I can ask or imagine. I have absolutely no clue where He plans to take me from here. I have no idea who He has for me or if He has anyone for me. But I believe He can still blow my mind. I believe He can still work in us and restore us. If not as a couple, then as individuals. It's hard to pray this way. My heart still wants to pray for our collective restoration. But even if God never does that for us, I still love Him. I still trust Him. I still want to see what He has.