Breathing...or Trying, Anyway

The spiritual attack I experienced was so huge, I could barely breathe at times.

I carried my journal with me everywhere, writing in it every single moment of every single day, it felt. I had to keep my Bible not only with me, but open, so I could focus on the Words of Life, because for the first time ever, I understood that my very ability to make it to the next moment came straight from the Throne and nothing else.

Jesus, help me right now. I’m being attacked by Satan – plagued by doubts about whether or not Isaac will come back. Convinced he has moved on to someone else. Someone prettier, funnier, more together. But I know Whom I have believed and am persuaded that You are able to keep that which I’ve committed unto You against that day. My sweet Jesus – help me. Surround me right now. Help me put on my armor. Help me fight this attack. Or fight it for me – whichever You think is best. I heard Your Word. Healed, restored, and brought back. Jesus, protect me. Help me.
(** Side note ** - Tsofah, you asked yesterday in your comments what specific things I'd heard promised from the Lord. This was one of them - that I'd sensed in my heart the very day Isaac told me he was called away into a wilderness - and then I heard it over and over and over again after that. God said he would be healed, restored, and brought back. Perhaps God has worked a healing in his heart, a restoration in his life, that I don't know about. Our lack of communication in recent weeks leaves me unable to answer that. I hope it has taken place, and it's one of the things I still pray for in his life, just in case it hasn't happened yet. But I haven't made sense yet of how that healing, restoration, and returning impacts me in the way I felt God impressing me it would.)
Sometimes I'd just quote verses and recite the promises I'd heard God say to my heart. I have heard that Satan can't stand Scripture, and it made sense to me that he also wouldn't be able to stand hearing God's direct promises to me, so I figured if I stated them out loud, he would go away. So over and over...I'd say the words healed, restored, brought back. I didn't always believe them, but I hoped the mere stating of them would fight the enemy.
One evening, Olivia came over to do a workout video with me. I very nearly collapsed doing it, and I'm not exaggerating. During this particular stretch of the desert, I could NOT eat. I'd try to eat but I just couldn't. During this exact time, I believe I was honestly bordering on malnourishment. The meager bit I could eat each day amounted to probably half a meal. Doing a 30 minute shred workout made me so lightheaded, I almost fell over a few times. But I was determined to make it, and I did.
After we worked out, we sat and talked. (Translation - I cried and she listened.) But even though she's ten years younger than I am, she has wisdom and insight far beyond her years, and even beyond mine.
Thank You for Olivia, her listening, her love, her insight. She reminded me You have chosen Isaac and me for this journey. Chosen. Our hands did not go the highest, but You chose us anyway. She also reminded me that she and I have each prayed for above average marriages, so ours will come at higher costs, though they will be worth it.


I read through the entire book of Ephesians tonight – praying it over him. Jesus, infiltrate him with Your will!

I am having a hard time relinquishing the control. Letting You say the same to him that You say to me. Oh Jesus, I trust You with him. I trust You with him.

Streams says, “Do you find yourself at this very moment surrounded with needs, and nearly overwhelmed with difficulties, trials, and emergencies? Each of these is God’s way of providing vessels for the Holy Spirit to fill. If you correctly understand their meaning, you will see them as opportunities for receiving new blessings and deliverance you can receive in no other way. The Lord is saying to you, ‘Bring them here to me.’ Firmly hold the vessels before Him, in faith and in prayer. Remain still before Him, and stop your own restless working until He begins to work. Do nothing that He Himself has not commanded you to do. Allow God time to work and He surely will. Then the very trials that threatened to overcome you with discouragement and disaster will become God’s opportunity to reveal His grace and glory in your life, in ways you have never known before."